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| "Youth of the Nation" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFARG cont
Reviewed By: Sidhe (Sisi) On: June 16, 2005 16:29 CDT
Comment/Review:
Relena bashing offends me in my old age. She's not that way. You've gone way too far into Fanon for this to be funny. You may probably be able to go further into what Trowa knows about Quatre earlier in on the story. Also. Quatre does not use the word Allah all the time, it's never even been fully answered to weather or not he is actually a Muslim; highly unlikely in my mind. As far as I can tell you need to work on your character description in this more than anything else because your grammar is acceptable and so is your spelling. Your last line was confusing because I know you wanted to work the song more into the story (Which was one thing you did a marvellous job on) but all five boys came from different colonies and nationalities. You could just do without it. It's just a bit cheesy and takes away from what you have.
| Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Sidhe (Sisi) On: June 16, 2005 16:28 CDT
Comment/Review:
First bang off, I'll have you know that contrary to popular belief Wufei's automatic response to anything mildly offensive, is usually not 'Stupid onna' and using other languages in your fics, even though the character is native to that language, is not always the best of ideas. I try to avoid it. He also isn't pissing and moaning about injustice all the time. You also don't need to use character names as much as you do. Overall you really only need to use the name of your character when your reader would have trouble discerning who is being talked about or who is thinking. You shouldn't place 'cough cough' in dialogue, that should go on into narration as "Duo coughed" I also don't know where you are in the story but Relena doesn't find out she is a Peacecraft until at least half way through. You need to fully describe how your characters are feeling and why they're feeling. You can't go from Wufei and Duo treating each other like crud without a pleasant thought in there to Wufei caring about Duo without explanation. Rather than "Aughhhhhh" A better way to describe Wufei's rage is 'A cry of mourning and anger ripped through the air." Or something of that effect. The option of suicide was way too quick. It's not as if people just up and: "My kippers! Life sucks. Well let's go blow my brains out then!"
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