Title: Heyla!
Reviewed By: Toboe LoneWolf [MediaMiner Member] On: July 25, 2005 19:38 CDT
Comment/Review:
...Yeeesss, so I'm about...two months late...but hey, I made it, sometime or another. XD Hmmm...comparing this chapter and the original on ff.net, I'd say this is a pretty hefty rewrite. Here on mm.org, it's only about...one-fourth of the ff.net version, lengthwise; and you totally cut out everything on ancient egypt. *blinks* Probably a whole plot rewrite as well...it sounds like you're dumping the duel-monster-world arc and straight into Guardian's Mind. *grins* Well then goody, 'cause I liked Guardian's Mind better than The Guardian. Djanil: Oi. Now there's something on tact and bluntness. Toboe LoneWolf: ...Whoops. ^^;;; Sorry. Alright, onto zee story. IMO, this is getting into the action...really really fast. Names are just flying everywhere. It's like, the character is just there, hi, how are you, what's happening, oh there's-really-big-hullabaloo-starting-up. (XD In the most extreme and driest terms.) Especially with an OC, characterization is big. *shrugs* But perhaps this is merely supposed to build up suspense, in which I am kinda jumping the line here since I've read "ahead" so to speak on ff.net. I really like your dialogue, though -- I can automatically tell who's speaking just by his speaking pattern -- but I think basic description of location and what's happening could help a bit. One thing I've noticed...almost every single paragraph begins with dialogue. You might want to space it out a bit, or reverse the pattern. Add stuff in the middle. [Random fac |
