|
| "Balloonazation! Poor Pooko-chan's Bad Day" Reviews/Comments [ 6 ] | Title: FFRG review 3rd chap
Reviewed By: ElvinYouko [MediaMiner Member] On: September 30, 2005 15:16 CDT
Comment/Review:
Hilarious! This is absolutely hilarious! The plot seems well-thought out, and lots of fun too. Your writing is also very good. One thing that I noticed is that you tend to put in commas instead of periods, and omit commas when they would be useful. This makes your writing drag just a bit. It helps if you treat writing like speaking and put periods where you take a breath; at least, that's what I do to solve this problem. One other things is you alternate really long sentences with really short ones; alternating is good, but it can be a little jerky. Maybe puting some details from the long sentences into the short sentences would help with that. Other than that, everything looks great! Keep up the good work.
| Title: FFARG review Ch2
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: August 16, 2005 19:47 CDT
Comment/Review:
The first thing I noticed about this chapter was that you don't put double spaces between your paragraphs, you should, it makes it easier to read and easier for the reader's eyes. As to what a Lemures is I don't know, and you should put a slight description in just to clear things up for someone who is but isn't very familiar with the series. You should clearly explain in the beginning just how undressed Pooko is because 'like that' is not clear enough to give the reader a good image. The image you put in was put in too late and I was properly confused before that. It was a short chapter and you don't have many grammar problems other than perhaps putting a comma before your character's thoughts. Like this "Chibi and Mamoru she thought, 'Well I'd better revive these two and get them home'" Your sentences are almost all simple sentences and you could change that with the use of some commas or semi-colons, BUT I wouldn't suggest that if you don't know how to use them because I'd rather see someone using periods correctly than using commas incorrectly. I like your idea for Pooko and she's a good character. Good work and keep going, thank you for submitting to the FFARG.
| Title: FFARG Review Ch 2
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: August 16, 2005 17:46 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting this fic to FFARG. Although you have an original idea here I noticed your grammar is slipping terribly in this chapter. You used "an" before a word beginning with a consonant when "a" is the proper word to use there several times. I've noticed several instances where you misspell words. You also need to separate your speech from your action. You also slip in and out of calling Sailor Moon Usagi a lot leading the reader to believe she is changing in and out of her Senshi uniform during the chapter. It would be helpful to stick with one way of calling her. Plus, I've noticed that you're treading close to creating a Mary Sue here with your original character. As for the other characters in this chapter Sailor Moon wouldn't get buddy buddy with a Lemure so soon after a battle with her. You need to give her some mistrust when dealing with the Lemure. Having her instantly become friends with her so soon makes your original character in danger of becoming a Mary Sue. You have a long way to go with this chapter and I would strongly recommend getting someone to beta this story. Once again thank you for submitting this fic to FFARG.
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Dumas1 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 14, 2005 14:41 CDT
Comment/Review:
Not bad; not great, but not bad. You tend to overdo the description just a bit, I'd suggest trying to combine sentences together into a more general description or spread it over several paragraphs in bits and pieces. It's enough to give the reader a general idea of what a character looks like and give more details later. Since when was Sailor Moon named Usako? You only do it once, but it should never have happened at all. I'd suggest that you read over everything you post before submitting it to check for mistakes like that and the ones the previous reviewer noted. Or get someone to do it for you. Writing a fic from the monster's point of view is an interesting choice, particularly one that makes the monster human, more than some ravening beast out for blood or energy or whatever.
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: July 10, 2005 15:03 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your piece to FFARG. You have an interesting premise with your story that lends itself to a lot of comedic moments. Not too many stories are done from the monster's point of view in Sailor Moon and I commend yo for that. However, I noticed in some places your chapter seemed to drag on a bit. You may want to break up larger paragraphs into smaller ones to help the piece move at a better pace. Plus, you have the habit of lumping action with speach. It would help the story flow better if you put your speach into seperate paragrpahs. There are also instances where you are missing a comma. When beginning a sentence with a word like "Meanwhile" you need a comma after it. There are also times where you use words that sound the same but mean different things like using "there" when the proper word "their" should be used to show possession. And when writing out the time of the day "o'clock" is used when you write the alphabetical form of a number not when using the numerical version of time such as "2:00." It would help your story if you had a second pair of eyes read it over before submitting chapters to catch anything you may have missed in your own editing. You have a very good idea that can be made even better with a little bit of help. Once again thank you for submitting this piece to the FFARG.
| Reviewed By: devildice708(forgot to login) On: July 09, 2005 23:44 CDT
Rating(s):Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
So far, this is a pretty good story. Though I don't know much about the Sailor Moon fandom, I enjoyed it! Keep writing!
|
|
|
