Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction / Saiyuki Reload Fan Fiction / Saiyuki Reload Gunlock Fan Fiction ❯ Episode1: Truly,Madly,Deeply ❯ Poison ( Chapter 8 )

VIII. POISON/DELICIOUS DISHES

 

(Voiceover)

 

“In which we digress yet again with another pointless story of a woman whose steamy buns spell death for youkai… (wink-wink)… death by desiiiiire…”

 

THWAK!

 

“…Er, whose STEAMED BUNS spell death for all youkai…”

 

“Baka erogappa…”

 

“Hehehe…”

 

 

A.

 

Nighttime. On the road.

 

“Ne, Hakkai… can't we go any faster? I'm starving!” Goku wails. An audible growl from his stomach accompanies his plea.

 

“Dammit, don't say that! It doesn't help my stomach any…” *growl* goes the kappa's stomach too.

 

The jeep gives a hiccup.

 

“Daijobou, Hakuryu?” asks Hakkai worriedly.

 

“Oi, oi, don't you dare! We're too weak to walk…” grumps the kappa.

 

“That's right! You stop and I'll EAT you!” threatens the saru.

 

Hakuryu collapses.

 

The ikkou bend over her in concern… then Goku whips out his knife and fork.

 

“OI! I'll take a drumstick, if you don't mind!” Gojyo elbows Goku away. “You want white meat, or dark meat, sweets?” he asks Sanzo.

 

“'Ch. She won't taste too good raw,” sniffs Sanzo.

 

“I don't care… lemme at `er!” cries the monkey.

 

“OI!” Hakkai fingers his limiters.

 

“Hehehe…”

 

“J—just kidding, Hakkai…”

 

“'Ch…”

 

 

B.

 

At Meichin's place, Goku lies in bed, recovering, after taking a bite from one of Kourei's steamed buns.

 

Sanzo mutters. “Stomach-for-brains bakazaru! After you'd already seen with your own eyes that the buns are lethal to youkai… Of course you collapsed, you nincompoop!”

 

“Ha—harahetta…”

 

Meichin brings in a tray of food. “Please help yourselves! Eat a lot, okay!”

 

The ikkou fall to eagerly, minus the monkey.

 

Hakkai stops eating when he notices Kourei staring at Gojyo.

 

“Grrr…”

 

Hakkai kicks Sanzo under the table. “Put away the harisen, silly! She's staring at Gojyo eating Meichin's dishes, she's not staring at Gojyo himself!”

 

“Oh.”

 

“H…hara…hetta…”

 

 

C.

 

Kourei threatens the naughty kids playfully.

 

“She's quite cheerful, isn't she?” observes Gojyo.

 

Hakkai makes up his mind. “Go on ahead without me… There's something I have to do…”

 

Gojyo shrugs. Then calls after Hakkai. “You sure do miss kindergarten, ne, Sensei?” He bungles a nursery rhyme. “The kappa and the priest-sama went to sea, on a beautiful pea-green boat…”

 

“Oh, just fly on back to your Sanzo, why don't you…”

 

“Hai-hai, Sensei…”

 

Hakkai attempts to teach culinary cuisine to Kourei, showing off his moves ala Iron Chef. Kourei sweatdrops. “Can—can we just start with the basics?”

 

Kourei produces a dish. Hakkai samples it. His face cracks. Literally.

 

He awakens to find himself in bed, and the kappa in a chair beside him nursing a cigarette.

 

“Will-you-stub-that-filthy-thing-off!?! Yare yare… Have some manners in someone else's home!”

 

“Gomen nasai, Sensei…”

 

“Er… wha' happened, anyway? Why are you here?”

 

“My sweetie pie sent me after you. He demands to know why you're on strike again.”

 

“I'm not! … I wasn't… but now I'm not leaving until I get that woman to cook a palatable meal! I have my pride, dagnabit…”

 

“Why, Hakkai-san! Was that a swear-word?”

 

“You bet your freakin' tush…”

 

“My, my…” Gojyo grins. “Let's hear you say one that's rated higher than PG-13, then.”

 

“You just might, Gojyo, you just might…”

 

 

D.

 

“Please try again, Kourei-san,” Hakkai requests with a pained smile.

 

“Demo—“

 

“I'll taste it this time!” Gojyo puffs out his chest.

 

Kourei blinks.

 

“Aw, go on. Gojyo likes to show off around women.”

 

The kappa yelps in denial.

 

Hakkai sniffs. “That's what your `sweetie pie' has you in therapy for, don't forget…”

 

Gojyo mutters darkly. “Can't I just be an honorable guy sometimes?”

 

“Um,” Hakkai ponders for a millisecond. “Nope.”

 

“Traitor!”

 

“Yare yare… Let's just get this over with before your jealous Sanzo comes stomping in here… You know how he gets when you're in close proximity with a woman…”

 

“Fine,” Gojyo sniffs. “I'm dying to get back to him anyway… each second apart is pure torture…”

 

“Er…” mumbles Kourei.

 

“You two are worse than the corniest high school sweethearts! You're demented… no, retarded for each other!” Hakkai declares. (Thus coining the phrase that Gato repeats in TMD.)

 

“Yup, we are!” Gojyo beams happily.

 

“Done!” Kourei sets the dishes before the two best friends. The two best friends who were roommates together, who are now traveling together, look out for each other, tease each other, take care of each other, argue with each other, fight youkai and kami together… and collapse together.

 

“Oh no…”

 

E.

 

“I'm speechless.” Sanzo shakes his head, absent-mindedly bopping the monkey over the head as Goku tries to sneak a sip at his drink.

 

“Sumimasen…” Hakkai murmurs, from one bed. The kappa carries on like a big baby in the other.

 

“Just how brainless are you!?” Sanzo continues. “I'd expect it from the kappa, but not you, Hakkai.”

 

“Oi, oi…” Gojyo protests weakly.

 

Hakkai sniffs. “McArthur Park is melting in the dark… I don't think that I can take it, coz it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe again…” he warbles.

 

Sanzo softens and walks over to stand over Hakkai. “'Ch. It's okay… I'm sorry.” He clumsily pats Hakkai's head. “I'm sure Kanan is smiling down at you and your efforts…”

 

“Arigatou…” *sniff*

 

“Oi… how about some TLC over here, cupcake? I collapsed too…” Gojyo sulks.

 

“'Ch. Serves you right… playing the macho martyr… OI!”

 

Gojyo reaches out and jerks Sanzo to him. The priest sprawls on top of the kappa.

 

“Everything I do… I do it for you,” Gojyo croons in his turn.

 

Sanzo scrambles off him to perch on the bed instead. “Baka! Have some manners in someone else's home!”

 

“Hakkai's rubbed off on you, huh?”

 

Unnoticed, Goku gulps down Sanzo's drink. His eyes bulge, remembering too late that Sanzo takes his coffee black.

 

Meichin walks in. “You really shouldn't eat Kourei's dishes. They're for killing youkai, not for eating!”

 

“You really mean that? The truth is she wants to cook delicious dishes for you, Meichin,” Hakkai informs the clueless, hapless man.

 

Meichin gulps. “Eat… her dishes?” he blinks, and sweatdrops.

 

“If you really love her, you'll eat it,” Gojyo drawls. He reaches up to fluff Sanzo's bangs. “Look at me, I've eaten Sanzo's ramen with mayonnaise, and I'm still alive…”

 

Twitch. “Not for long, erogappa…”

 

“Yosh!” Hakkai staggers to his feet, swaying drunkenly. He clutches his head. “Let's do it! Kourei-san, one more time…” he calls weakly, but a deadly determined light glints in his eyes.

 

“Ever the schoolmaster…” Gojyo declares proudly.

 

“OC, that's what he is…” mutters Sanzo.

 

“Ohw… see?” Goku inquires.

 

“Obsessive-compulsive, bakazaru,” Sanzo illuminates.

 

“O, I C!!!” Goku grins.

 

Meichin winces at the horrible pun.

 

Meanwhile, Hakkai has substituted a chopstick for a ruler and is rapping impatiently on the table. He calls attendance.

 

“Son Goku!”

 

“I didn't do it! I didn't do it!”

 

“Sha Gojyo!”

 

“Mmmm…”

 

“Sha Gojyo! No flirting with your seatmate while class is in session! … Meichin!”

 

“Er…”

 

“Hakuryu!”

 

“Kyu!”

 

“Good girl, you're my star pupil… Genjo Sanzo!”

 

Twitch.

 

“Yare yare… Answer in words, please, not with twitches or a raised eyebrow or glares or swats with the fan…”

 

“You're delirious, Hakkai,” Sanzo bites out.

 

Hakkai ignores him. “Kourei-san, step up! Show the class what you've learned!”

 

“Hai-hai!”

 

Kourei cooks, the youkai barges in, Sanzo orders Kourei to pour soup over the demon, and reveals Kourei's true talent: she cooks spirit-ascending dishes!

 

While Kourei and Meichin celebrate, Hakkai beams, patting Kourei's shoulder and preening like a proud sensei. Meichin is eager to sample some more of Kourei's improved cooking, but the monkey bares his teeth and snaps at Meichin's hand, as Goku makes up for lost time.

 

“Er…” Gojyo murmurs in Sanzo's ear, his arms wrapped around the High Priest from behind. “I think it's time for Hakkai to enter therapy, don't you think?”

 

“Hmm… You're right, baby… He definitely needs treatment for OCB, that makes two of you now…”

 

“You should talk, Mr. Anger-Management Case No. 106…”

 

“Yare yare…” Sanzo sighs. “And with Goku undergoing treatment for his fixation to food, too; and the dragon for chocolate addiction**… This will definitely be pushing the credit limit on the AnEx card.”

 

“Huh. Hang the expense! Let Her Holiness the Goddess of Mercy take some damages, for once… this crazy divine mission is enough to drive anyone batty…”

 

Up in Tenkai, Kanzeon Bosatsu shoots Jiroushin an icy glare. “What are you laughing at, you impertinent fool!”

 

“N—nai…” Jiroushin chokes out.

 

“Huh. Make yourself useful and go get me some more Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, you worthless critter…”

 

Jiroushin scurries off.

 

The Goddess turns back to the lotus pool. “Darn you guys… You'll turn me into a basketcase too, with all your lunatic antics…”

 

**A/N: See Saiyuki Boys, Bared