Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Crappy Poem Theater ❯ Ode To an Ass ( Chapter 11 )

Crappy Poem Theater

Slow zoom to a lemon shaped satellite orbiting the earth. Emblazoned on the main entrance door is a large pink Cherry Blossom flower, with feather quills crossed over it like a coat of arms. You enter the satellite to be immediately confronted by a strange recording of Masterpiece Theater Theme played on a kazoo. You step into the main room where you find a girl sitting on a deep red beanbag chair, smoking a pipe and reading a book.

Cherry Blossom: ::looks up:: Oh, hello minna! Welcome back to the Satellite of Cherry Blossom for……THE TENTH EPISODE OF CPT!!!!

::crash of thunder and lightening::

Cherry Blossom: ::sighs:: Teo-chan you were suppose to fix that…

Matteo: Sorry.

Heero: ::grumbles:: I can't believe I'm stuck here again. I though we got rid of her for good when she went to Europe.

Cherry Blossom: Yeah, well you can't have everything.

Heero: More like I can't have ANYTHING.

Duo: Aw, quit your whining.

Heero: ::glares::

Snowgoggles: ::over the intercom:: We're running into some rough space out here. I've got a bunch of meteorites showing up on radar.

Cherry Blossom: Well do what you can to steer around them and I'll work on creating a shield of some sort. Don't worry. If worst comes to worse I can always zap us out of here.

Wufei: ::snorts:: Yeah, like that makes us feel really comfortable.

Cherry Blossom: ::glare:: Hush, or I'll sic Jez on ya. ::points to the lethal looking cat the size of a German shepherd with a red stripe up the middle of her forehead::

Jez:: ::licks her lips::

Wufei: ::backs away, slowly:: Aheh heh…nice Jezebel…good kitty…

Cherry Blossom: Anyway…let's go right to Reviewer's Corner!

Reviewer's Corner

Vid-cam zooms in on Cherry Blossom sitting at a desk with Matteo with a whole lot 'o letters spread around them. The G-Boyz are sitting beside the desk in comfy leather chairs stolen from Grand and To….uh….someplace.

Cherry Blossom: Since I've been getting these awful cramped fingers from writing out all these reviews and since Teo-chan's throat has been really sore lately…

Matteo: ::downs some Halls::

Cherry Blossom: I've decided to put all the reviews into a draw and pick which ones get aired on the show randomly.

Trowa: You know, if people would just stop reviewing we wouldn't have this problem…

Cherry Blossom: ::whaps him with the back of her hand:: Shaddup clown boy!

Trowa: …ow…

Cherry Blossom: Bring out the hat!!!

Matteo: ::brings out an ugly looking felt hat with a faded blue ribbon tied around it. The rustle of paper can be heard from inside::

Cherry Blossom: ::sticks her arm in the hat. It disappears to about shoulder length before she pulls it out and brings forth the letter::

Matteo: Our first reviewer is TrowasGirl who writes…

Hi! How's everyone doin'? Hey lookie Cherry I got my own zapper! *Zaps in a huge crate of Pockey* Cool eh? I got it for my Birthday! *Suddenly Looks mad* Hey none of You showed u for my Party! Blah! and it was a month ago!

Cherry Blossom: Uh…sorry but, the Pope wanted my advice…you know how it is.

Trowa: ::rolls eyes::

Cherry Blossom: And don't you say anything!

Whatever! *Zaps everyone by a huge pool, with nice comfy chairs by the edge* Dosn't it look nice here? Well i gotta Go! Buh Bye! Oh Yeah *Slaps Wufei For the H.E.L.L Of It* Sorry Wufei! Just so Tempting!

Wufei: ONNA!! YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS INJUSTICE!!!!

Duo: Whoa, just chillax Fei.

Quatre: Chillax?

Duo: Yeah, mellow out, cool down, take a chill pill, be smooth, have a java, take a ride on the slow train, do the easy breezy…

Everyone: O.o;

Duo: ^__^

Cherry Blossom: Yeah…next letter!

Matteo: Dark saviour writes,

I don't really like reviewing

Quatre: ::gasps:: No!

but this was sooo funny I nearly fell of my chair. But now my arm hurts.

Duo: My heart bleeds for you as we speak. No really, it does! Look at the blood!

*sigh* I like everyone except heero. Muhahahaha

Heero: Is that supposed to be funny?

Trowa: Now, now Heero. Maybe if you just try a little harder you'll have fans one day too.

Heero: Trowa, omeo o korosu!

Cherry Blossom: Guys, it's too early for this.

Matteo: Neo Queen Serenity of the Luna writes,

funny funny funny

Cherry Blossom: Short, efficient, to the point.

Duo: But where's the imagination?

Heero: I like it.

Duo: You would.

Matteo: Goldberry writes,

YAY!!! CHERRY'S BACK!!! I missed you, Cherry-chan!! And the G-Boys, too!! Here, have some pocky!! Oooooooh, I'm so happy!! Yay!!

Cherry Blossom: ::scarfs pocky:: Oh yeah, that's the stuff right there.

Duo: I declare this Pocky Party Day. Where's there's pocky, there's a party!

Matteo: Tina says,

YOU......ARE A GENUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!I LOVE ALL YOUR STORIES!!!! HOW DO YOU EVER COME UP WITH THESE THINGS?????!!!!!!!

Wufei: Onna! Control yourself!

Cherry Blossom: All the poems I have MSTied I must give credit to the poor fools who wrote them. This program would not exist without their crappyness.

Trowa: And wouldn't that be a tragedy.

Duo: Starting early today, aren't ya Tro-man?

Matteo: Ryuuko Megami writes,

you continually amaze me with the crap people write... *walks out dazed*

Quatre: I know just how you feel.

Matteo: Aisha writes,

I LOVED THIS!!!!!! You've gotta write more!!!!!!! You've gotta make the Gboys suffer through more!!!!!!!! TORTURE!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wufei: Sadistic onna!

Heero: Oh will we never be free?

Cherry Blossom: nope ^__^

Matteo: Next is Chaos Earth who writes,

CPT Rules! *~Chaos is forever. . .*

Duo: ::confused:: But I thought diamonds were forever.

Heero: Baka. That's just a stupid ploy used by the advertising companies to sucker poor husbands into giving their girlfriend's diamonds.

Duo: Does it work?

Cherry Blossom: ::hides her diamond eternity ring and pendant set:: Uh…no.

Matteo: Thunder Dragon writes,

Wow I finally got the guts to review! I've read every chapter of CPT even the one cleckmoon did and I love them all! U rule Cherry Blossom - Matteo - and of course you rule to Wufei!

Wufei: ::preens::

Heero: ::rolls eyes::

Matteo: CIM wtites,

Walking away with too much information...

Duo: Don't you just hate it when that happens?

Matteo: Lady Lye writes,

LOL! Luved it as always!! *Lady looks @ Trowa* Poor guy... You're the smartest one here, aren't you?

Wufei: ::chokes:: Barton?!! The smartest one here?!! You must be joking.

Trowa: ::glares::

*gives him a sympathy hug- it's ok, TrowasGirl! Nothin like that!* But

CCHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! It's MAY! MAY, I tell you!!

Duo: Uh…actually it's June.

Cherry Blossom: It is? Damn.

This las chp is from FEB! *tearfully* How did this happen? Only one solution- write more! Quickly! O yes... Lotus Eaters are from- THE ODYSSEY!!! *thunder & lightning in background* You REALLY outta do that one... It'd be SOOOO funny. Course, I don't actually recall just whut the lotus eaters did... *pops out to check sparknotes.com* Damn. Didn't find it. I do remember that it was VERY related to drugs tho...

Heero: ::nods wisely:: It's all about the drugs.

Wufei: How the hell would you know?

or mebe that wuz just the symbolism... Hey, who needs morphine when you're a fanfic author w/ pocky? *smile* O yes- to make Cherry feel better IMMEDIATELY and write another chp- *reaches into cyber-space and retrieves her personal copy of Zechs (this is just the easiest way to make every1 happy... I hav a copy of Zechs, you have a copy of Zechs, and we can both do whut we like witht hem) He's dressed in a very sexy outfit, unbuttoned shirt etc.* Lady: Now DANCE!

Zechs: No, please...

Lady: C'mon I've been nice to you so far! I'm not making the boys dance cuz I already hav a whole fanfic of that and besides, Cherry likes you best.

Zechs: *takes a deep breath. We're all zapped to Lady's Karoke Bar and the music for 'I'm too sexy' begins to play* I'm too sexy for my mask/ too sexy for my mask/ and too sexy for my ass/ I'm a pilot/ you know what I mean/ and I do my little turn on the catwalk/ yeh on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah/ I shake my little tush on the catwalk. *he runs away, terribly embarrassed. Lady allows Cherry to pull him back and hang onto him for a few hours.*

G-Boyz: O.o

Quatre: Scarred for life.

G-Boyz: ::nod::

Matteo: This feel like déjà vu to anyone else here?

Cherry Blossom: ::cuddles her sexy Zechsy:: Thanks Lady!

Lady: Your welcome. *looks pointedly @ the boyz* ANybody else want to sing that again? I can do that, ya know. *enjoys seeing them back away in fear* Anywayz, Luv this stuff, Cherry! Feel better! Write more soon!! -Lady

Matteo: Next is Lady Serena who writes,

Konnichiwa! Er... Long time reader, first time reviewer. My bad? I need to atone don't I?

Duo: Yup.

*throws pocky all around**blows kisses to the G-boys, Teo-chan, and Dilly**throws Dilly her used ACT study guides and old fic outlines**smuggles in some morphine for Cherry-chan* Knock yourselves out! Hmm... Croodlin' doo... croodlin' doo... *mutters* I'd like to croodle Trowa's doo...

Heero: O.o

Duo: O.o

Quatre: O.o

Wufei: O.o

Cherry Blossom: O.o

Matteo: O.o

Trowa: ///_-

O.o! *whacks herself* Bad Serena! >.<

Wufei: I should say so! Hentai onna…

Matteo: Uh…Duck-K writes,

~singin~ Duck Duck bo-buck bannana fana fo fu- ~realizes where this is going...~ Ummmm... yeah.... Ex-cellent fic Cherry! CPT & MTS-ing ROCKS! But CANADA ROCKS MORE! GO Canada!

Cherry Blossom: You know Canada Day is coming up soon. We'll have to do a special CPT.

G-Boyz: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go every province in Canada except my baka home province of Alberta. So there Ralph K. HAHAHAHA! ~Looks back at review~ Yeah..... ANYWAYWRITEMORE. The supreme master of Duckness herself commands it. (Oh, BTW, Dilly, BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

Dilly: ::pops in with a nice flamethrower:: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRNNNNNN!!!!!!

Cherry Blossom: ::tosses him her overdue library fines:: Here, knock yourself out.

*the fines frrrrrrrry*

Cherry Blossom: He's just so damn useful.

He he. GO crappy poety.

Heero: Yeah go. Far away from here.

Duo: O.o Heero made a joke…

Quatre: Scarred for life-

Wufei: Oh will you stop that!

Matteo: blue blue rhythm writes,

Poor, Poor Hee-chan

Heero: Pity me.

Duo: We already do, trust me.

Heero: -_-

Duo: ^__^

Matteo: Lyssa writes,

*Mmph*...*Mmph*...

Trowa: Don't try to keep it in, you'll hurt yourself.

Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!

Trowa: There you go.

Matteo: Rebecca the Great writes,

Oh my. O_O; This is stating the obvious, but you have LOTS of reviews, dearie.

Quatre: No shit sherlock. ::claps a hand over his mouth:: Where did that come from?

Duo: Ya know, this does feel like déjà vu.

So I'll keep this short. ^_~ I loved it! Wonderfully funny - ::pauses to beat back her brother with a stick::

Wufei: Back evil sibling from HELL!!!

Cherry Blossom: Don't knock the evil siblings from hell. I am one ^__^

- and I haven't got much time. My dear brother is stealing the computer from me again. And I've got a secret :: leans in conspiratorily:: I'm a closet hippie too! ^_^ Bye!

Heero: Noooo! They're taking over!

Matteo: And the last review for today is from…Treize & Co.

Wufei: ::dryly:: Ah yes. What would Reviewer's Corner be like without the input of that group?

Cherry Blossom: Please keep in mind that Treize's letters are often rated R…for RACY. All impressionable young otakus should leave the room now.

Matteo: Trieze and Co. write,

(Trieze:)*blinks* A land where everything is always the same? How.......boring! Ah well, it appears it is our turn to help mock the next criminally horrendous poem. *hands her a rose* I look forward to being with you, Lady Cherry. *smiles at Wufei* And you, my Dragon.

Wufei: ::inches towards the exit, then remembers that they're in the middle of space:: Smeg!

(Zechs:)Yeah, with Noin busy, looks like I'll have to have you, Cherry-chan!

Cherry Blossom: ::smiles and blows a kiss::

(Une:)By the way, what IS Noin doing?

Trowa: I have a feeling we don't want to know.

(Noin:)*voice coming from behind a closed and locked door* Oh god! God, yes! Hilde!! Oh my god! Ah! Ah! Ah! (Hilde:)*from behind door as well* DUUUUOOOOO!!!! *screams which could either be of pain or pleasure, or both can be heard*

G-Boyz: O.o

Wufei: ::nosebleeds::

Cherry Blossom: O.o

Matteo: O.o

Quatre: Scarred for life…

Trowa: I told you we didn't want to know.

(Zechs:).......O.o.....

(Treize:).............*raises eyebrow*.....

(Une:)......that's just KINKY......

Duo: How come they always scream MY name?

Everybody else: O.o;;;

(Trieze:) *Ahem* Well, apparently Noin is occupied for the time being with Hilde, but perhaps they shall join us later....I look forward to it, Cherry!

Cherry Blossom: Well come on over baby and get ready to do some MSTing!! Whoo hoo!

G-Boyz: ::groan::

Cherry Blossom: Where's the enthusiasm?

Matteo: It left with the kazoo player.

Cherry Blossom: ::sigh::

Jezebel: ::purrs and cuddles up next to Cherry's chair::

Cherry Blossom: Well let's get to it!

Snowgoogles: We got CRAP-SIGN!!!!

Duo: ::begins to freak out and run amuck as the theater doors open::

::door sequence::

(5) A manhole. You take off the cover and slide down into the next room.

(4) A rose garden. You pick a rose and continue on your way.

(3) General Septum. You ponder the fact that he's not dead since you know that Une killed him in the earlier episodes but then decided that it doesn't matter since you kill him again with your scythe anyway.

(2) A rubik's cube. You try to figure it out but get frustrated and throw it at the wall which opens up to reveal…A tapestry displaying a scene of all five gundams standing beside their respective pilots under the full moon. You pull it aside and enter…

The Theater

Crappy Poem Theater (for real this time)

Cherry Blossom: Well here we are.

Duo: ::looks woozy:: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Cherry Blossom: Not on this carpet you won't!

Treize: I must say that was an interesting ride.

Wufei: ::"eeps" and jumps away from Trieze:: What are you doing here?

Trieze: Mistress Cherry invited me. ::hands her a rose::

Cherry Blossom: That's right. Be polite Wufei.

Wufei: POLITE?!

Lady Une: Is there an exit to this theater?

Heero: ::unhappily:: No. Believe me, I've looked.

Zechs: Do we at least get popcorn?

Cherry Blossom: ::jumps into Zechs' lap:: Zechsy!

Zechs: ::blushes:: Uh…

Cherry Blossom: You can have all the popcorn you want. ::zaps him up a box::

Duo: ::pouts:: Where's my popcorn?

Trowa: Let's just get on with it. I don't want to be here longer then I have to be.

Cherry Blossom: Fine with me. Matteo! Roll the first poem!

What is Liquid?

Trowa: Ah, the question that has been plaguing mankind for centuries.

Quatre: This is going to be bad…

Duo: Who writes this crap anyway?

By: Margaret Cavendish, Duchess of Newcastle

Wufei: Well that answers your question.

Trieze: ::shakes head:: I would have thought that people of noble birth would have better things to do than write crappy poetry.

Duo: Well you were wrong.

All that doth flow we cannot liquid name

Duo: Why not?

Or else would fire and water be the same;

Quatre: But fire doesn't flow. It-

Dilly: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Quatre : …yeah.

But that is liquid which is moist and wet

Duo: ::opens mouth::

Cherry Blossom: NO BAKA HENTAI!!!!

Duo: ::closes mouth:: You never let me have any fun.

Fire that property can never get.

Heero: ::sighs:: The syntax is killing me…

Zechs: I wondered what it would take to do that.

Heero: ::glare::

Then 'tis not cold that doth the fire put out

But 'tis the wet that makes it die, no doubt.

Trieze: ::pause:: That was stupid.

Duo: You're catching onto the way this whole things work aren't cha, Trieze?

Cherry Blossom: Next poem!

Matteo: It's a long one.

Everybody: ::groan::

To a Young Ass

Wufei: Well what do you know? It's about you, Maxwell.

Duo: >_<

its mother being tethered near it

Une: And we care…why?

By: Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Duo: NOOOOOOOOO! Not that guy!

Quatre: Do you know him Duo?

Duo: …no. But does it matter?

Quatre: Guess not.

Poor little foal of an oppressèd race!

Cherry Blossom: Power to the mules!!! Hell no, we won't go!

Heero: -_- I don't know her.

I love the languid patience of thy face:

Une: I wouldn't exactly describe a mule's face that way.

And oft with gentle hand I give thee bread,

And clap thy ragged coat, and pat thy head.

Cherry Blossom: I have the feeling he's just going through the motions now.But what thy dulled spirits hath dismayed,

That never thou dost sport along the glade?

Duo: Well maybe it's a lazy ass.

Cherry Blossom: ::whaps him:: Watch your language!

Duo: What? What'd I say?

And (most unlike the nature of things young)

That earthward still thy moveless head is hung?

Duo: Yeah hung like a-

Cherry Blossom: ::glares::

Duo: …mule. What? What'd you think I was gonna say?Do thy prophetic fears anticipate,

Meek Child of Misery! thy future fate?

Zechs: For God's sake it's a DONKEY! Who gets melodramatic over a donkey?

Treize: Apparently, Samuel Coleridge does.The starving meal, and all the thousand aches

"Which patient Merit of the Unworthy takes"?

Quatre: Why's that last line in quotations?

Cherry Blossom: Dunno. Maybe he's talking outloud to himself.

Heero: Sure sign of insanity.Or is thy sad heart thrilled with filial pain

Duo: What does "filial" mean?

Quatre: ::pulls out dictionary:: Um…obedient.

Une: Obedient pain?

Wufei: Don't you just hate those disobedient pains?

To see thy wretched mother's shortened chain?

Duo: Hey! Don't talk about my mom that way!

Trowa: But you're an orphan.

Duo: ::blushes:: Oh yeah…

And truly, very piteous is her lot --

Chained to a log within a narrow spot,

Cherry Blossom: SET THE DONKEY'S FREE!!! MWAHAHAAHAHHAAHHAHA!!!!!

Heero: She's cracking…Where the close-eaten grass is scarcely seen,

While sweet around her waves the tempting green!

Zechs: Uh…sure…

Poor Ass!

Wufei: ::opens mouth::

Duo: Don't you dare say a word!

Wufei: ::closes mouth::thy master should have learnt to show

Pity -- best taught by fellowship of Woe!

Trowa: Riiiiight.For much I fear me that He lives like thee,

Quatre: ::confused:: Wha?

Half famished in a land of Luxury!

How askingly its footsteps hither bend!

Duo: Oooh, not only do the footsteps bend, they bend hither.

Heero: Someone's on an acid trip.

It seems to say, "And have I then one friend?"

Une: I'm sorry but with a poem like this, you have no friends.

Innocent foal! thou poor despised forlorn!

I hail thee Brother -- spite of the fool's scorn!

Duo: ::snickers:: Ha! His brother's an ass!

Cherry Blossom: I can relate…And fain would take thee with me, in the Dell

Of Peace and mild Equality to dwell,

Une: Well whoopdy-freaken' doo.

Trieze: ::quirks eyebrow::

Une: ::blushes:: I'm sorry sir. It's just the poems…

Trieze: I quite understand my dear lady.Where Toil shall call the charmer Health his bride,

Duo: Health you charmer you, snatching up the bachelors…

And Laughter tickle Plenty's ribless side!

Duo: Speaking of which… ::tickles Heero::

Heero: NO! Stop…heheh…you…ahah…s-stop…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAAAHAHA!!!!!

How thou wouldst toss thy heels in gamesome play,

And frisk about, as lamb or kitten gay!

Quatre: Leave the homosexual kittens alone, dammit!

Everyone else: O.o

Quatre: ::blushes::Yea! Wufei: I see nothing to cheer about. and more musically sweet to me

Thy dissonant harsh bray of joy would be,

Trowa: Guy's got weird taste in music.Than warbled melodies that soothe to rest

The aching of pale Fashion's vacant breast!

Duo: ::open's mouth::

Everyone: NO BAKA HENTAI!!!

Duo: ::glares:: Sheesh, I wasn't gonna say nothing. You guys are so uptight…

Cherry Blossom: That should do for tonight.

::doors open::

Duo: All right!! ::runs like a bat out of hell::

Cherry Blossom: ::pouts:: You don't have to be so enthusiastic about it.

-SOCB-

Treize: Well that was certainly…interesting.

Zechs: ::looks ill:: That's not quite how I would put it.

Cherry Blossom: Here's some pocky to soothe the pain. ::distributes the magic snack::

Duo: ::dives on the pocky:: GREAT!! I was starving!

Heero: ::rolls eyes:: Baka.

Cherry Blossom: Well, see you guys next time.

G-Boyz: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

::room shakes a bit knocking Cherry over into the arms of Zechs::

Heero: What the hell?

Cherry Blossom: Not that I mind at all Snowgoogles, but what was that?

Snowgoogles: Just a little turbulence. I think the shield needs a bit more juice.

Cherry Blossom: No prob, just give me a sec to get my zapping finger ready…

Trowa: Oh no…

Cherry Blossom: Relax, I had it fixed. It works perfectly now, trust me.

Trowa: ::flatly:: I feel so much better.

Cherry Blossom: ::glares at Trowa, then makes a little motion with her finger and red sparks fly from the tip:: There, that ought to do it.

::the shaking stops::

Cherry Blossom: See? Nothing bad happened.

Wufei: AUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! MY PANTS!!! THEY'RE PINK!!!!

Cherry Blossom: Aheh heheh…bye bye! ::dashes off::

Wufei: COME BACK HERE ONNA!!!

Cherry Blossom: Sic him Jez!

Jezebel: ::growl::

Wufei: Uh oh…

Matteo: ::sigh:: Just review. And send crappy poems to chibicherryb@hotmail.com

Wufei: Bad kitty! No! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

Cherry Blossom: Serves ya right.

::zoom to outside the satellite which floats peacefully along, unlike it's inhabitants.::