Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ How to Write a Fanfic Review, GW Style ❯ Chapter 7

How to Write a Fanfic Review, Gundam Wing/AC Style

Part Five, as of September 16, 2002

Note: There's a slight hole in the plot due to the fact that Treize never died and was never an OZ general. Work with me, and play along.

===

The door, figuratively and actually speaking, never saw it coming.

Often enough times, it got shaken up a bit if it was slammed too hard. Sometimes his braided tenant even caused its hinges to jingle. However, the last thing it expected was to be face down on the floor with two boys on top of it, attempting to pull each other's hair out.

Perhaps if it had happened to any other door, it wouldn't have minded. Or perhaps if it were more weathered to unspeakable acts of violence, as were some of its neighbors - particularly its wooden brethren belonging to the oh-so kinky blond one and the oh-so unibanged sir. Unfortunately, this door was a rookie in these sorts of things, and could only pray to The Great Pine in the Sky™ that someone would remove these two from on top of him and hopefully put it back where it belonged.

All the inner musings of the abused piece of wood were ignored, however, as Duo and Heero continued to brawl. Neither was really sure what started it, and probably were both totally out of line. But both boys could give less than a rat's ass, as they attempted to wail each other into next Thursday.

The Great Pine, who had watched all these goings-on continued to ponder exactly how these humans got to be the way they were. So he consulted some of his godly friends, and they, too, could not give him answers. Not The Maple, nor The Cedar - The Arbutus, nor The Birch. All the gods of nature couldn't fathom why their children had to suffer so at the hands of man, and this was just the icing on the cake.

Now the other gods in the skies had a little more of a clue, thank goodness. They had watched as two boys stared each other down, cobalt versus violet, neither wanting to budge or reveal anything. Or in the case of the braided wonder boy, reveal anything more.

As one might recall from our last installment of HtWaFRGWS… G-boys three to five had abandoned Duo and Heero to their own devices under the premise that the two were allegedly supposed to be consummating. Unfortunately, for the Goddess Yaoi, and the God Ecchi, this was not to be so. In fact, 'Death' had stepped on too many of the Soldier's toes, which resulted in a rather heated chase around the private barracks of said soldier. To their realization, and mutual embarrassment, the two boys assessed what their friends were trying to insinuate about their relationship… However, somewhere along the line, the two found themselves in Death's room facing unspeakable social and moral peril.

In short? Someone 'up there' screwed up, and no one - god or otherwise - wanted to fess up.

But as the innocents, for all intents and purposes - that means you, are sitting at the edge of their seats wondering how we got from the commotion that began this episode to here, let us pick up where we left off… the clock was ticking, and Duo was so eloquently thinking:

'Ohshitohshitohshit…' the boy gulped audibly. He was currently making a futile attempt to read Heero's expression. This was mildly problematic, seeing as Heero didn't really have many, other than the varying levels of ice and glare combinations… So the look on his face as it stood was baffling Duo to no end. It looked as if Heero's face didn't know whether to be pink with blush, or red with anger. The corners of his lips were twitching as if he were about to say something, but it never reached the surface, and his eyes… were swimming. Duo could see the boy was standing right in front of him, but there was nobody home. So what does any intelligent person do in this situation?

Goad and taunt - what else?

"Yeah it's a funny thing about those stories - I mean, honestly, you'd think you'd keep something like that to yourself rather than on the internet for the whole wide world to see…" There was a nervous chuckle, interrupted only by the sound of cracking knuckles. "Not to say any of it was BAD per se - quite flattering really -"

Still wondering about that inexplicable look on Heero's face? Well, turns out that while Duo's tongue was rolling, the gears in Heero's head were turning. There were a few little details he had failed to notice, and was currently berating himself for missing the obvious.

He'd left his laptop unattended for an extended period of time.

Leaving ANYTHING alone in a house where a certain braided baka had the general tendency to wreak havoc out of sheer boredom alone… Heero had avoided the obvious answer.

'Duo.' It had been Duo the whole time. All of these… feelings that he'd been having were all because this boy decided to pull a few strings. The suspect was currently grinning like a buffoon whose hand got caught in the cookie jar. Of course, this was all a joke to him. The perfect soldier could never have any feelings to speak of, so it was perfectly alright to yank his chain. Lead him on. Tease him. Perpetually cast him into the throws of ridicule.

This had all been some big joke.

Heero was a joke. Everything Heero wrote was being turned into a joke. Every fantasy, whim, and subconscious desire that he masterfully penned in secret was a joke to the only person whose opinion would've mattered.

Coincidentally, this was also the last person that Heero wanted to find out about his little hobby. But lo and behold, there was Duo, waving his hands like a madman, stalking back and forth in the room rambling unheard defenses and conclusions. So enraptured in his own babbling, the boy in question failed to notice Heero slowly stalking towards him.

"… was I supposed to know? Honestly, Heero, if you had just kept your stupid bedroom door cocked - er, locked, not to say I couldn't have broken in if I damn well penis - ack! Ple~ased... yes, pleased… If I damn well pleased!" Duo was starting to feel a little hot under the collar, "But that's besides the boy - point! I mean POINT!..." As Duo spun around to continue pacing, he noticed that the room he had to do so had… shrunk. Namely because the terminal point, Heero, was moving closer to him. "Now hold on there, it wasn't MY fault that your door was open, or that your laptop was on, or that you write yaoi about me and the guys!"

Who knew Death could dig his own grave, huh?

"So you admit it," Heero said plainly. He could've continued, but for fear of breaking his word quota for the day, he kept to a bare minimum. He could've broken out into a rant about justice. About the fact that Heero wouldn't have had to have left his computer had SOMEONE not eaten the required elements for the sandwich he had wanted at that given point in time. Perhaps he could've pointed out that an open door did not translate into: 'Come right in and read my personal thoughts and feelings for you, by all means.'

Duo looked right, and faked left. Wait a minute… wasn't he supposed to be pissed? He decidedly stood his ground. "Hell yeah I admit it! So what if I saw what was on your stupid laptop! It's available on the good ol' World Wide Web! Anyone could've seen it!... It would've only been a matter of time till I found out it was you!" Or at least in theory, so Duo reasoned. Honestly, he would've never even looked for fanfiction.net, nor would he have ever guessed Heero wrote for it, had he not found the stories on the laptop. "And if I recall we were talking about you and me not me and your laptop!"

Heero seemed to think this over in his head.

For zero point thirty seven seconds, at which time his hand - of its own accord, snatched the front of Duo's t-shirt and hauled the boy off the ground. Heero had a rather not-so-happy scowl on his face, and looked like he was about to go through with his age old death threat. But the other boy didn't seem to relent, or whimper, or attempt to run - no, instead, Duo curled his hands around Heero's wrists and kicked at the other boy's midsection.

Now, say you're Heero. You're infamous for being a killing machine, and often intimidate anything that decides to look upon you in the wrong way. Imagine someone openly admitting to having wronged you, and you're serve justice. Would you even fathom them retaliating?

And this Heero, the only Heero, had not.

"Fuck you, Heero Yuy!" And he didn't mean literally. Duo hadn't managed to reclaim his shirt entirely, but at least his feet were back on the ground, and holding. "So what's it gonna be? You gonna pound me?! The bed's over THERE, dumbass! Or didn't you read volume two, chapter four?!"

"You had no right!" Both boys were now yelling at one another, almost spitting at each other from less than a foot away from one another.

"It was my ass on the line!" Pause. "Well in those lines, anyway, so I sure as hell have a say! After all, every great soldier needs a gracious reviewer! -No matter how much of a son of a bitch he is…!" Duo punctuated the sentence with a shove, but Heero's hands were unyielding. Both boys stumbled back, but instead of the usual PWP ending, they did not end up in a sexual position… rather, Heero instinctively went to flip Duo and cause bodily harm, but the other boy wasn't going to take that.

There was a string of curses, in both Japanese and English, and the whirlwind tumbled and tossed and spun and banged and crashed… eventually landing on the innocent door you were introduced to in the beginning of this chapter.

The ruckus, by then, had erupted down either hallway, and the other inhabitants of their home sweet home had been trying extremely hard to ignore what was going on. It had been presumed they were killing each other before, and then it was concluded that they had been 'consummating'… It was now the other way around entirely. No one dared interfere with an intimate encounter between Death and the Perfect Soldier.

However, as the resident pacifist, everyone's lovable blond, Quatre, decided to poke his head out. This was much to the distress of his lover, who lay strewn on their bed half naked as they had been 'inspired' by their fellow ex-pilots. The little peek turned into an all out speechless gape, as the blonde watched while the door that was (legally) his was crushed. The innocent door! Screw dinner plans, this was serious.

"STOP!! Stop this right now!" Quatre marched out of his room, none too pleased. Standing there in his lily pad boxers, which matched his lover's eyes, he sought out a manner to break the two boys apart. Half way towards the battling pair, he saw Wufei at the other end of the hall in a state similar to the one Quatre had been in a moment ago. Silent hand signals

went back and forth:

'You take Heero'

'No YOU take Heero'

'No, you!'

'You!'

Eventually the two both dove for Duo in a 'first come, first serve' mentality. Wufei 'volunteered' Quatre to cover Duo and fend off Heero, while he held him back. It was difficult, seeing as he was threatened to choke to death by a chunk of Baka Braid™. With any hope, Heero wouldn't cast Quatre aside like a rag doll, out of sheer common logic:

Quatre was just too cute.

"What in the name of Nataku is going on?! When we left you two were-" Pausing to prevent unnecessary bloodshed - namely from his nasal cavities, he reiterated. "… doing just fine. What the hell did you do, Maxwell?!"

"FINE?! He tried to kill me!" Duo bellowed, awkwardly shaking a fist at Wufei, "Why's it always me?! If that pig-headed pompous soldier boy over there would just pretend to be a member of the human race I wouldn't want to wrap my hands around his throat and-!!" Wufei's arms were under Duo's, holding them back well enough, but his hands were still pantomiming choking the stoic boy who had collected himself on the other side of them. Heero was still glaring daggers, but hadn't said anything. 'Oh no, can't say anything - heaven forbid the guys find out what he's been up to!' This train of thought only served to infuriate Duo further. Not only was Heero not willing to admit his feelings, he was ashamed of them, too?! With that in mind, Duo really wished he had something explosive handy.

Quatre's hands pushed down on Duo's shoulders, to help Wufei hold him steady. The boy was practically trembling with anger. Quatre was not liking the way Duo was growling… or was it Heero? Or both? Although in the right setting, with the right lighting, and with a few choice whips… the primal grunting might have been quite arousing - Quatre shook those thoughts out of his head, for now. He needed to delve into his diplomatic recesses to find an answer.

"Dammit Yuy! What happened?!" Wufei was still pleading for some answer, some reasoning. As it was, Wufei didn't quite have the same breeding and natural diplomacy as his blonde comrade. How had Heero and Duo gone from rough sex to just being rough? He suspected that one or both boys might have their own kinks, but this obviously had nothing to do with sex… or Duo wouldn't be still fighting him. There was a brief moment where he thought he would be able to let the braided boy go; Duo had stilled and his breathing grew heavy. Turned out, he was just playing possum for Wufei and Quatre to ease up and leap at Heero - so they resumed their positions and held steadfast.

Heero's nails were digging into his hands till they bled. The humiliation he felt right now… could not be expressed nor compared. So currently, he heard nothing, and saw only red where he should've seen violet. He wasn't even sure why he was mad anymore… if at Duo, or himself, or both, or his traitorous laptop... he just knew he was plum-loco pissed.

Duo's patterns of rational thought were almost completely abandoned. The only logical thing he was considering was not hurting Quatre. That would've just been needless and stupid. Not to mention that boy had a wrath that could blow up a colony - no pun intended. Then again so did Heero… but that boy deserved a beat down! Shinigami is nobody's uke!

"Oh thank Allah, Trowa DO something!" Quatre called over Duo and Wufei's shoulders. Heero didn't look, but even he might've laughed at what he saw. There Trowa was, hopping over in nothing by a loin cloth, with his arms bound behind his back with scarves… They suspiciously looked like the never-endingly long scarves that circus clowns do tricks with. To add to that, his ankles cuffed together with a short length of chain… his jaw working to slip off a scarf that was functioning as a gag. And need we mention the various red marks that resembled teeth impressions on various parts of his exposed anatomy? Trowa looked back at his imploring lover. Under normal circumstances, he'd do a Clark Kent, and save the day, but… he was tied up and in a loincloth.

What exactly did Quatre want him to do? Hop them into submission?

As funny a fanart as that would make, Trowa only shook his head… mostly to help get the gag off… which it did. Although, now that it was off, he had no idea what the hell to say. Frankly, he wasn't in the position … figuratively or actually, to say a damn thing.

"Wu-man! You let me at him! Thinking he's all high and mighty, well we'll see about that when he's pasted to the end of my foot!" Duo was breathlessly struggling now, working his muscles beyond that of what they had been accustomed to in this post-war era. "He broke my damned door!"

"That's MY damn door! And I demand an explanation from both of you!" Quatre piped up. Actually, he nearly hollered, which caused Duo to shut right up and still. Everyone did. Heero was still seething, and so was Duo… just silently now. Heero took no step closer, but made no move to leave… perhaps out of shock at Quatre's outburst. "I've had enough of this, enough! Everyone in this place has been acting weird and I think it's about time we did something about it!"

"… Winner. Exactly what the hell do you propose we do? Send Maxwell to military academy and Heero to finishing school?" Wufei Chang, of the clan of Chang, had spoken oh-so prophetically. Then again, those meant uniforms… Duo and Heero in uniforms… mmm … "KISAMA!" Duo was squirming again.

"Quatre's right," Trowa's uncharacteristically timid voice chimed in to support his love. "Heero, Duo… even you, Wufei. You've all been acting strangely. I mean, what is it with all those trips to the counselor, Wufei?"

Forgetting his burden, Wufei spun around to yell at Trowa, and promptly did a fish imitation. This was NOT a topic he wanted to be talking about… especially not with Barton dressed like THAT. The lips moved, but no sound came out. A few seconds to collect himself and he spouted, "Oh, and I suppose Tarzan of the circus is just the image of normalcy!"

Quatre was left alone to fend off Duo, the blonde was stronger than he looked - and wasn't doing a half bad job. It helped that his friend nearly exhausted himself in the brawl and cursing thus far. And then a little light bulb appeared over head and shone brighter than the sun on a clear winter's day.

"I've got it!" Everybody froze. Winner wisdom was at work.

There was a pregnant pause… which is a fancy way of saying everyone shut up for a second or two. Since, of course, natural physiology dictates the probability of any core characters in this plot of becoming pregnant are in the 'when pigs fly' category of existence. But after all, the phrase finds seems to work its way into fics far too often then not… We might as well stick it in here, too. Anyway, onto Quatre's climax:

…

"Group therapy!"

Insert simultaneous jaw-dropping here, with a side order of incredulous expressions. Quatre blinked at the reaction, thinking he sounded perfectly reasonable and logical, and still looked damn cute. His lips pursed, and he ventured sheepishly, "… what?"

"What. Are. You. Smoking." As out of character as it was, that was Heero… just before he swiped a hand over his face. With an indignant snort, his footing shifting as if honestly tempted to relinquish any qualms about pushing the blonde aside. Then he finally took a glance at Trowa, who had obviously fallen victim to another one of Quatre's brilliant ideas. And that moment, Heero knew then that they were screwed. He then observantly noted Trowa's most recent piercing, flickering the fluorescent lighting off of a much tormented looking nipple.

Make that: 'they were royally fucked.'

Duo sagged limply, staring at Quatre in disbelief. Even HIS hair-brained ideas, and he had a lot of hair, didn't sound so crazy. Not a one of them had ever been to any form of therapy, other than physical, and they'd been through a fucking war together. So now they're going to go because a few hormones went haywire? He started shaking his head, but was cut off by Quatre.

"No, I'm perfectly serious," Quatre declared, gripping his hands steadily on Duo's shoulders as if to impress his seriousness. "I mean, Wufei - those counseling sessions are helping right?" He didn't wait for an answer, thank goodness. That was a touchy subject, whether the other pilots were aware or not. "We've all been through so much… it's a wonder we're not all chomping Prozac as a dietary supplement." Sighing heavily, the wisest and blondest of the five continued, "… we need help. Whatever we're doing isn't working… I think… I think we need to see a therapist."

Quatre nodded solemnly. Trowa couldn't disagree… at least, wholeheartedly. When it came to fucked up childhoods, the occupancy of that hallway had at least two prime examples. Even Wufei saw the need for reinforcements, as long as it wouldn't overlap with his current - er - 'therapy'. The last thing he wanted was yet another seme-uke debate, let alone with all the guys there. Heero felt outnumbered. Duo saw the notion as something Heero didn't want to do, so he would agree to whatever it was by default.

"Yeah, we should go," the boy said, "Unless of course, Heero's… CHICKEN." Violet eyes gleamed in a way only Shinigami could muster. Duo tucked his thumbs under his arms and did his chicken impression… which sounded like the unfortunate mating of a dodo bird and an over the hill porn star.

"… excuse me?"

"Chicken! Like teriyaki, baby!" Heero. Teriyaki sauce. Mm. - 'Dammit, Duo focus!' So, the braided boy bawked as he traced a circle on the floor, doing the best impression of what a chicken would look like if it had a three-foot long chest nut tail attached to the base of its skull.

Yet another fanart moment.

Quatre and the others slowly felt panic settle in. Heero was nearing, and he couldn't handle both him and Duo - he knew his limits. Like how he could only take so much spice in his chili or only so much food mixed with sex… 'Dammit Quatre, focus!'

Wufei saw what was beginning to brew, and as much as he wanted to pretend he hadn't seen anything, he was helping Trowa out of his bindings. He couldn't help but notice, as he untied the boys ankles that the little red teeth marks went far beyond the hem of the loincloth. 'Dammit Chang, focus!' Shaking his head free of such things, he worked at Trowa's wrists, and untied those.

He hadn't considered if he had untied Trowa's hands first, he wouldn't have had that little… digression.

Quatre and Wufei had another psychic moment. They saw Heero slowly stalk towards the Duo-chicken. They saw Duo egging Heero on. They knew they'd have to be involved again, and perhaps may not be as lucky in tearing the two apart as they had a few minutes ago.

The two nodded to one another.

Trowa would get Heero.

*-*-*-*

The injuries sustained in the previous day concluded to mostly bruises and strained regions of scalp where hair had been pulled just a little too hard. Oh, and the door, of course. Quatre had decided that reinforcements were of immediate necessity, and made an appointment for all five of them the very next day. Luckily, there was a convenient psychiatric clinic near by that specialized in bishounen under stress.

Wufei and Quatre each held one of Duo's arms as they walked towards the clinic. Trowa and Heero stood side by side in front of them… and Trowa valued his limbs, so he decided that standing within arms' length was enough for the time being. Heero occasionally glared back at Duo, who glowered back. Quatre would glance at Wufei, to ensure that they both had a good hold on the boy between them... and Trowa would glance back at Quatre lovingly, with mutual sympathy. He was particularly more affable now that he wasn't dressed in little more than a loincloth…

But damn if his nipple didn't still hurt.

Heero was determined to beat this. He needed to redeem himself, and show Duo he wasn't a joke, or something to be played with. That he, Heero Ignatius Yuy, was a force to be reckoned with. (… okay, so the Ignatius was thrown in for a dramatic middle name, sue me.) He was not a joke. His feelings… were not a joke. Especially where Duo was concerned…

Duo, also, was determined. He was pissed off. If Heero would've just admitted how he felt in the first place, all of this cloak and dagger shit wouldn't have blown up in his face. In their faces. Now they were both stuck going to some head-shrinker. Damn Quatre and his bright ideas… couldn't he keep those for creative sex? He selectively failed to point out that he, too, had not confessed his feelings towards Heero…

Trowa concurred, or would have, if he could have read Duo's mind. He wasn't any more pleased than anyone else to be going to group therapy. Then again, he couldn't entirely say all of them didn't need it. A circus clown, a street orphan, a Chinese warrior, an empathic ka-zillionaire, and a walking icicle living together - MTV's Real World couldn't have picked a more mismatched lot. Then again, MTV is pretty fucked up in its own right…

Wufei did NOT want to go. He was outnumbered. Out sworded. Outdone. He had not had the best history with … the counseling industry. At least he double-checked with Quatre that they were not going to see a certain ginger-haired, fork-eyebrowed, well-dressed, nice looking, well to do… counselor. Nataku damn those who challenge Wufei's inner alpha male…

Quatre was pleased that they were all going. He was not pleased that none of them would go willingly. Even his very own honey dumplin' was reluctant. But Quatre managed to get him up and out of bed somehow…

That minx. Me-ow.

*-*-*-*

"You're the two o'clock, yes? The doctor is almost ready for you, please take a seat," The girl at the desk smiled… rather devilishly. Quatre nodded to the girl, for a moment taken back, having apparently previously been acquainted. Duo and Trowa seemed to know her as well. However, Wufei was dubious. There was just something about this girl that he did not like. She could not be trusted.

"Hey, Wu-man, you like her or something?" Duo chided as they sat down in the waiting area. For all Duo knew, Wufei swung both ways, after all. He elbowed the bisexual in question, whose glare hadn't left the girl since they walked in.

"… that girl… is evil." Wufei said it with such conviction, that Duo seemed to be convinced for a whole second, before he shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Maxwell. This is one thing that I know, and that I know well… ones like her cannot be trusted."

"Why? Because she's a girl?"

"No. The eyebrows, man, the eyebrows…" The Chinese boy ground the words out through the corner of his mouth, gesturing as subtly as one can to another's eyebrows. Wufei eyed the girl and then looked back at Duo, and gave another pointed glance. Duo considered this…

"Yeah. Dorothy is pretty evil, ain't she, Quatre?" The blonde nodded briefly, not really paying attention. Duo rolled his eyes again, then nudging his other companion. "So this doctor. What's he like?"

"I don't know… I just called the school and asked for any names they might suggest, and who would be readily available," the Winner boy shrugged, and no one seemed to notice Wufei pale ever so slightly. Trowa shifted in his seat, as if catching the vibes. There was something just… odd about this whole thing, but before he could consider it further:

"The doctor will see you now. Walk to the back of the hall to Conference Room A," Dorothy stood up cordially and pointed them into the right direction. Wufei glared, and she glared right back - with a wink. The boy shuddered and continued on his path.

"Let's get this done with and out of here, Nataku demands it." Everyone rolled their eyes at that.

"You know, I knew you had problems, but now I'm seeing you in a whole knew light Wu-man… no wonder you've been seeing the counselor so much. Man, you've got issues," Duo did the cool 'quote' gesture thing with his fingers to punctuate the last word. The boy winced as he felt a tug on his braid… Growling, he looked back at Heero who was icily glaring right back at him. Duo hoped they would get to do the Nerf bat therapy. Or even better, shock. Or possibly the one Duo would be best at, primal scream therapy.

Now, none of them expected to see what they saw on the other side of the door to Conference Room A. Of all the people on the face of the planet, they didn't expect him to be here. If it weren't for the shock, the five boys probably would've high-tailed it out of there. However, the tree gods above felt that, in the retribution for their fallen son, they would shut this particular door behind them. They were angered further as the only fixing they had implemented, since the rueful injustice of yesterday's happenings, was duct tape.

Insult the pine god, will they? Duct tape, indeed.

The door had slammed without remorse behind them, and they could have sworn they heard it lock.

"Er, Quatre?"

"Yes, Duo?" None of the boys took their eyes off the man in front of them, although were suspiciously pressing up against the furthest wall from him.

"How long is this session supposed to be?"

"Two hours."

"Fuck." … that… was Heero.