Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ How to Write a Fanfic Review, GW Style ❯ Chapter 8

How to Write a Fanfic Review, Gundam Wing/AC Style

Part Five, as of September 6, 2002

Note: The initial premise of poking fun at fanfiction is a little less obvious in these chapters, and maybe in those to come - but they're still there in the form of stereotypes and off-beat commentary.

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The former pilot, formerly known as Preventer Wind, formerly known as the Lightning Count, formerly known as Zechs Marquise, formerly known as Milliard Peacecraft, grinned. Once the boys had saved their jaws from rug burn, they somehow manage to peel themselves off the far wall and seat themselves down. The five boys sat across from Zechs in a poor excuse for a circle, and were ripe for the picking. This was his first real case as a psychologist.

You see, Milliard found his calling while 'Zechs' was institutionalized for multiple personality disorder. Those were hard times indeed, for it had been many years since he had known what he was going to do with his life. Although quite aware of his potential of becoming a porn star, he decided to seek professional help in sorting out his life for the future. The true son of Peacecraft had lain dormant in those months he had lived down the hall for a one, Ms. Lady / Colonel Une. Out of the misgivings of being locked down at nine in the evening, and having more Jell-o than he ever thought existed; our friend, Zechs, had made quite a breakthrough. Once the doctors could get straight who the Hell he wanted to be each day, they were further able to determine who he wanted to live as for the rest of his days - unless another war sprung up, in which case, they determined Milliard would lose any hope of leading a singly personated lifestyle.

This great revelation for Milliard "Zechs" Peacecraft was finding his love for psychology. What better way to heal than to help others heal, right? And here he was, somehow, after only a handful of months of training, lots of sex, a whole barrel of money, and very little shame… He was a fully decorated doctor, raring to go.

Low and behold - his first case was cutting close to home. He was dealing with not one - not two - but five maladjusted veterans, who also happened to function, quite deliciously, as jailbait. When Quatre called for an appointment, Zechs saw this as a great sign from those above. (The selective gods responsible chose to remain anonymous for the duration of the rest of this fic.) It seemed as though a well-scripted porn flick was just waiting to happen. You know, if "well-scripted porn flick" wasn't an oxymoron, but there's a simile/metaphor quota in affect. It's a fanfic thing, you understand.

But first, he had a job to do.

Unfortunately, not one preceded by "blow."

Si~igh.

Anyway, hormones and sexual peak aside, Zechs was busy jotting down a few notes, mostly on the manners in which the boys squirmed and how cute they looked, while the victims - er - patients were discussing amongst themselves in low tones.

"… Winner, what the HELL were you thinking?!" Wufei saw little if any hope of the psychiatric world ever redeeming itself in his eyes. The world of head-shrinkers was damn lucky he didn't have his Gundam available. See how crazy (or sexually repressed) they could deem him if they were sitting in the heart of a mushroom cloud. And why did they all wear pants so well?!

"Honestly, Wufei, do you think I would've signed us up for sessions with a 'Dr. Quisemar' thinking, 'Oh, must be our good pal Zechs incognito! But gee golly wiz, it's been so long since we've seen him, unarmed.' Hell, I expected some charming old Latin guy!" The blonde boy whispered out of the corner of his mouth. Trowa blinked at him funnily, for having said 'hell,' but besides that it seemed as though all the other boys accepted his defense. He was attempting to appear the diplomatic about the whole thing… Maybe Zechs had changed. Perhaps Zechs was truly here to help them, having no ulterior motive whatsoever.

Or just possibly… pigs can fly.

Regardless, Quatre wasn't budging for the sake of his own defense. It was his idea. He was going to stick with it. Just like when he suggested to Trowa that Marilyn Monroe drag queen convention at the bath house on the shady side of town… all those many moons ago… Quatre stuck to that alright. Mm… The blonde had to shake out those particular thoughts, and took a cleansing breath. Even though what he had said had cleared his name, at his flank, Wufei didn't look any more pleased than he was seconds ago.

"Quisemar?!" Duo wasn't one for hushed conversations. In fact, he wasn't very hushed at all. Spinning to the man in question, he called him out in near disbelief, "Don't you have enough aliases as it is?!" After all, Duo only had two of his own. It was hardly fair. The blonde - the platinum older blond, not the cute space-hearted one - crossed his legs casually, and raised a single eyebrow.

"Well, if you knew them all, they would hardly be serving the purposes of aliases, now would they?" Duo looked up at the ceiling as if to attempt to comprehend this reasoning. He caught Heero and Wufei smirking out of the corner of his eye, which meant only one thing -

"Are you calling me stupid?!?!" Duo nearly bolted at the man, if Wufei and Quatre hadn't decided then to hold his arms down to the chair. After all, Wufei and Heero didn't exactly talk to one another, but it was made obvious they agreed on one thing: they both called Duo an idiot. "Just what kind of a counselor are you?!"

"He is quite competent, I assure you," a new voice appeared from a door in the back corner of the room. All the boys' ears perked up at the sound of a door opening, as if the slight sound screamed "FREEDOM!"… And their shoulders simultaneously sagged when they heard the tell-tale click of a lock being set into place. One particular boy bristled, blushed, and sputtered.

"Counselor Khushrenada, whatever are you doing here?" Quatre simply glanced over his shoulder at the man walking to take a seat next to Zec- Milli- Dr. Quisemar. None of the boys really paid mind to the extra seat, but there it was, filled by none other than Treize himself. Wufei, the boy who had bristled, blushed, and sputtered… sank into his chair ever so slightly, silently praying to Nataku for deliverance.

Trowa eyed the man suspiciously. He knew that man from somewhere before. "… Mr. Khushrenada. Have you, by any chance, ever claimed employment with the OZ Corporation or related factions?" All the boys looked at Treize expectantly, lacking all recognition of the fact that he was ever a former general in OZ - because in this story, he isn't, so there.

"No. But I get that a lot." Looking at one another, the boys nodded and shrugged. So, now that that is all cleared up, we move on… "I am here to assist Dr. Quisemar with your particular problem."

"Yes, Mr. Khushrenada is actually 'Dr. Khushrenada,' and my mentor," The two men looked at one another, and Wufei hopped at the chance to point out the sparkle that passed between them.

"Another victim of your evil, Treize! Are there no bounds to how low you will sink?!" His voice almost went shrill as Wufei had already sprung from his seat, and his finger was pointing accusingly at Treize… who blinked nonchalantly. Duo sprang up right next to him, pointing in the same fashion. The two were mirroring one another, except Duo was pointing at Zechs - as he will be addressed, as it is the shortest of his aliases and the quickest to type.

"And you! Your unimaginative new alias is an injustice to aliases everywhere! You should thank Nataku for taking pity on your sorry hide!" Quatre and Trowa were trying their best not to laugh, and Heero not to bolt in the distraction of Duo's mockery.

"Maxwell! How dare you mock me!" The Chinese boy spun around to snarl at the American, who mimicked his motions further.

"Wuffie-kins! How dare you be so easy to mock!" The boys were nose to nose, and miraculously, Duo was able to keep a straight face. But from the way his fingers were drumming on his hips, one could tell it was no easy task to bear. All the while, Zechs was scratching down more notes. Tapping his finger to his chin, it seemed as Duo had just discovered something. "… so,Wufei. It's 'Treize,' now, is it?" The braided boy eyebrow rose in challenge, and Wufei's eyebrow twitched. The boys grabbed at the front of the other's shirt and proceeded to holler and spit at one another. They were interrupted, however, by a timid, but ever-diplomatic, voice.

"Now now, Duo, Wufei, we should sit down…" Quatre was hoping, very much so, that this would not be fruitless. Especially since… well, he'd already signed all of them up for the three sessions for the price of one special. He might be a kinky little minx, even cutely flaming at times, but he was thrifty.

Duo was about to reply, Wufei was about to yell, when they both saw Treize and Zechs nod to one another out of the corner of their eyes. "Oh right, I suppose Mister Lightning Fancy Pants Schizo is going to tell us…" Duo gestured between himself and Wufei, "that we're crazy." Both standing boys scoffed. Wufei could've pointed out some of Treize's less redeeming qualities… like his tendency to seek sexual partners in the workplace, or to solicit minors; however, lacking the wit and fearing the self-damnation of any such implications, he sat down. "Wu-man! You're joking! You guys can't be seriously thinking this - they'll be worth it!" Duo madly swung his hand back and forth between the older men present.

"We won't know unless you shut up, baka," all eyes turned to Heero. It was the first time he spoke in just over twelve hours. Not that he spoke much, mind you; but as it seemed so rare, that when he did formulate actual sentences, it had the tendency to cause people to recoil as if he'd just broken the sound barrier.

Part of Heero wanted to see what this was all going to lead to. Most of Heero had been thinking about it since the fight had finally broken up. He knew, vaguely, what he was pissed about. He wasn't quite sure what Duo had gotten so angry for. Perhaps in a clinical environment, he reasoned, his personal investigation into such matters would go undetected.

Normally, Duo would love that Heero actually addressed him at all. Normally, he would've laughed, and pursued. However, this was not normally. This was a time where his anger was recent, and could easily be called upon. Duo didn't have to take this. He didn't deserve it, and he knew Heero couldn't truly feel that way… which hurt even more because the soldier was pretty damned convincing in looking like he did.

"Heero, you're the LAST person that I want to - "

"… I believe this is what triggered you calling for my assistance, yes Mister Winner?" Duo was standing over Heero, mouth lagging open, ready to finish his sentence when Zechs had interrupted. Heero was quite curious as to what the boy had been about to say. However, a psychiatric clinic is, strategically, not one of the places you want to let lose your homicidal tendencies. It was an odd turn for Heero… after all, if you can't be yourself in therapy, where can you be yourself?

But, back to the moment at hand.

He was the last person that Duo'd want to… listen to? To talk to? To be with? … The Perfect Soldier's perfect lips were pressed primly together as he was perplexed by his predicament. (Try saying that ten times fast.) Heero's brooding was interrupted by Quatre.

"Why yes… Dr. Quisemar," Quatre had faltered, not knowing what to call the man. Frankly, the name game was quite confusing indeed. Taking a deep breath, he waited to see if anyone was going to interrupt him… but no. One of those days he was thankful he was the cutest. "Yes, well… the household has been quite off-balance for a while, and I - we became concerned, and wanted to fix it. Didn't we guys?"

There was something dangerous in Quatre's voice. And even more dangerous was the manner in which he smiled. The boy was smiling, and yet the gesture never reached his eyes, which were glinted with promised violence if anyone dare speak otherwise. Well, violence or a murderous pout - which meant violence from Trowa's hand, so practically the same thing. Praise Allah that Quatre wasn't a politician by trade.

His money would not be wasted. His time, which he could be utilizing in much more entertaining ways, would not be wasted. So everybody just better shape up right this instant - or so his eyes told them.

Tearing Quatre away from what he wanted to do, let alone who, was becoming more and more obvious in the degree of threat towards ones' life. It seemed to be an unlikely side effect of the house's sexual tension. He was blonde, but this is not to say that he doesn't bite.

Ask Trowa.

After six more minutes, the boys finally sat down in their seats in the makeshift circle. Starting from Zechs, who sat next to Quatre, who sat next to Duo, who sat next to Wufei, who sat next to Trowa, who sat next to Heero, and then the circle closed with Treize. The seating was purposeful to keep Heero and Duo from starting another fight, to keep Treize from Wufei, and to keep Trowa and Quatre's hands off one another.

However, the one failing in this plan was…

"MAXWELL! Keep your braid to yourself!" Duo looked up stunned as the rope of his hair collided with his cheek. He was playing with the tail end, and hadn't noticed how the length swayed and kept smacking the side of Wufei's arm.

"Alright then…" Zechs started off in a commanding tone. Clearing his throat to make sure he had everyone's attention, save for speckled growls and snorts around the room, he continued, "As I understand it, this all began with a physical confrontation between pilots 01 and 02."

"… the war's over. We have names," Heero put in bluntly. It partly disconcerted him due to the fact that those were the particular aliases that he used in his stories. The last thing he wanted to bring up was his literary mastery, regardless of how yaoi-erific. Zechs sighed heavily, fiddling with the end of his ponytail.

One might say, this personality of his was more… in touch with his feminine side. The soft sheen of lip gloss, and the well-manicured finger tips as they played with the flawless platinum strands was a hint. The ankle bracelet, revealed when the man crossed his legs, was another clue. Or if you wanted to go for broke, one could point out the shining neon pink flashing triangle on the face of Zechs' watch.

"Alright then… Mr. Yuy and Mr. Maxwell, correct?" The two boys in question glanced at him in recognition, promptly scowling at one another. "Would either of you like to volunteer what lead to your scuffle?" As both boys had the 'they started it' poker face on, Zechs construed that this avenue might not be successful. "Perhaps any of you other boys would prefer to give your take on what happened?" He casually tapped his rainbow pencil on the corner of his mouth, waiting for some response from the boys.

Treize, quiet, but not forgotten, took out his own little notepad and Parker pen and scratched down a few observations. He was taking notes mostly on the gestures and gesticulations of the boys. The particular way Wufei's eyebrow twitched when Duo agitated him… the way Wufei's heel bobbed on the floor as he tried to contain his anger… the way Wufei's hand twitched as if searching for a deadly weapon to slay Duo with…

"Well the fight, I believe, was a result of mounting tensions," Trowa pointed out calmly, as the tension in the room began to mount in a similar fashion. Thank you, Master of the Obvious, Trowa Barton. Quatre was chewing on his lower lip, as he gently tugged Duo's chair closer to him to steer him away from Wufei. Trowa was stealthily doing a similar maneuver with Wufei's chair.

"Tensions, you say?" Wufei's head snapped up at Treize's voice. So responsive, and attentive… Treize's curious expression melted into a smile before he could stop himself. He knew that a good part of this 'tension' was sexual, from his bouts with Wufei. Quickly, before the Chinese boy could spring to action, he added, "… What happened in our sessions is strictly confidential… Mr. Chang." Treize briefly chewed the inside of his cheek to stop from laughing. 'Mr. Chang,' indeed. "I am merely attempting to help my colleague draw conclusions from accumulative accounts from your housemates."

"I assure you, Mr. Chang… these proceedings are strictly professional," Zechs, too, was having difficulty not laughing. Treize and he had many chats over chai lattes about a certain student in his counsel. Surely, Treize never broke Wufei's confidence; however, he did mention something to effect of a 'feisty Chinese ex-fighter pilot who was hypothetically dealing with questions about his own sexuality.' Ahh… Zechs had those bouts of doubt as well, back when he was still a young Milliard Peacecraft… Clearing his throat, as if to clear his mind and focus, the doctor continued, "Be at ease. We are all friends here."

All boys gaped at Zechs like he'd grown a second head. Was the infamous turncoat of olde - declaring contracts of friendship?

"Look, Zechs…" Duo faltered at what to call the man, but after waiting another second and having not been corrected, he sallied forth, "This whole thing was just blown out of proportion. We're teenagers, we're boys… fighting and brawlin' and hormones are what teenage boys are made of…"

The men looked at one another, and nodded, simultaneously scratching down notes. Without looking up, Zechs spoke, "Duo, would you like to speak more of these… 'hormones'?"

"WHAT?!"

"I mentioned fighting… brawling is a synonym for such, however, I never said anything about hormones. You brought them up, so I was curious to whether you wanted to discuss and share your feelings about the matter." The man's voice softened, like he was talking to a third grader about the facts of life. His brow furrowed in clinical concern, and tilted his head in a practiced inquisitive manner.

"This has GOT to be some sick joke! Okay guys! You can come out now!" Duo was up and out of his seat before anyone could stop him. The braid swung madly as the boy scraped and pawed at the walls searching for a hidden camera. Talking to an innocent looking corner of the ceiling, Duo let out a nervous chuckle, "You can't fool the prankster of pranksters! Come out come out now!"

"Sit down, bakayarou," Heero cupped his forehead as he shook his head in negation. He'd discovered in the last week as much humiliation and degradation that most normal kids accumulate throughout their first seventeen years of life. However, for a good chunk of them, he'd been busy waging a war. In some sick way, he wished someone would go out and blow up a colony or something, so he'd have to swoop down to the rescue.

"Shut up! It's your fault I'm here to begin with!" Duo spat over his shoulder, still facing the 'camera.' "You attacked me! Twice!" Holding up two fingers to the 'camera,' he glanced back at Heero and scowled.

"You provoked me," Heero grounded out between his teeth. He was trying really hard not to raise his voice nor lose his cool. Especially at the way Treize and Zechs started nodding to each other again. It was so conspiratorial and made Heero thirst for violence.

"You're too bloody sensitive!" Duo, finally convinced the 'camera' wasn't going to talk back, spun around and stalked back to the circle. "Mister I-can-take-on-the-world-with-a-beam-cannon may not look it, but he's nothing but a big baby! Hiding behind his two perfect fists and twenty-two millimeter!" By this point, the boy was raving mad. His hands were thrown up in the air as he danced around the circle, ranting on, "And with all that bravado! All that blow-up-or-shut-up, he intends to have you believe that he isn't…" He drawled out a dramatic pause, and stopped all movement, biting out, "… compensating."

Everyone flinched, as the double meaning in the word hit home. However, the only person that should've reacted, didn't. In fact, the perfect soldier sat perfectly calm.

"… Heero? Any response to… Duo's allegations?" Zechs said unsurely, as he took a sidelong glance at his colleague. He felt infinitely lucky not to be sitting next to Heero during this session, and instead, next to sweet, gentle, and cute Quatre. The unnerving unresponsive look on Heero's face was sending a chill through everyone, except Duo - who was caught in the reigns of blight.

"I have nothing to compensate for," he said plainly, folding his arms in front of his chest. His Prussian blue eyes, though Japanese in origin, dared any one to challenge him. He would prove once and for all, in the most primitive manner, that his manhood (in all respects) was not to be put subject to this humiliation. He was a man among men, if he had to drop his pants to prove it.

Zechs unconsciously licked his lips, caught by his colleague by a swift slap to his hand. Snapping out of it quickly, he ripped his gaze off of Heero's groin, scratching nervously at his temple. "Right, well then, of course not, Mr. Yuy… Mr. Maxwell, if you could please take a seat…"

"Why?! *I* don't have the problem!" hollered the ranting lunatic struggling with his in the closet obsession with his former best friend and partner. Catching the faint sound of Heero snorting in disapproval, he spun his attention back on him, "Don't you make me tell them, Heero Yuy! Don't you dare push me! I run, I hide but I NEVER -"

"SHUT UP. You never shut up!!" Wufei sprang from his seat. Duo and Wufei had a bit of a stand off, separated by the two counselors. The men were nervously looking back and forth at one another, not wanting to be caught in the crossfire. However, in different position, a sandwich of such ingredients might be most welcome…

"Hey, justice boy, don't hog the shrinks, alright?! We all know you have your own issues, but I think this session is for the rest of us, not just you!... Got a lil' spoiled on all that private attention, eh Wufei?!" Duo didn't quite know what possessed him to say it, or what possessed him to curl his hands over the back of Treize's chair. The ginger-haired man had the shame to blush a soft pink. Zechs disguised his chuckle under a cough.

Quatre had relocated to a seat closer to Trowa, for emotional support. Not to mention, he was suffering from P.D.A withdrawal. Holding onto his lover's hand, he pleaded with his friends, "Please Wufei… Duo? This constant bickering is…*sniff* Getting us nowhere…"

Duo and Wufei blanched. The 'doctors' didn't quite figure out why, but they suspected that the menacing gleam in Trowa's visible eye might have had something to do about it. Looking down at their respective notepads, they scribbled more notes. It took one more Winner sniffle, and the boys were seated in their new arrangement, grumbling quietly to themselves. There was a long pause.

Trowa glanced at his watch… They'd killed a whole fifteen minutes already. Only an hour and forty-five minutes to go… he looked around the room, inspecting all the varied levels of stress in each person's expression.

God allegedly created the world in seven days. And it would take seven men to tear it down in just under two hours. So it was written, so it shall be. The counselors seemed to be keeping time on their internal clocks, and got back on topic.

"It seems like everyone has their own … unresolved issues. Perhaps if each were allowed to speak their piece - without interruption - we can start getting to the bottom of this," Zechs said solemnly, as he looked down at his crossed legs. His hands were clasped just in front of his face to hide the curling of his lips at the word 'bottom.' "Shall we go pilots one to five, or five to one?" he opted conversationally.

Eyes turned to the silent Heero. He didn't look like he was going to speak anytime soon… "Five to one, it is. Mr. Chang, would you mind telling us all what you think has brought you all here today." Treize casually lifted a forked eyebrow as if to concur.

'Nataku, be with me as I venture forward into treacherous peril…' Wufei brought his legs up to sit with his legs folded in his chair. Taking exactly two cleansing breaths, silently swearing to best this demon, he began his tale, "I believe I began noting odd behavior sometime at the beginning of this week, perhaps into last week as well." Zechs nodded to Treize, as if to hand the baton to him.

Treize nodded reassuringly to Wufei. "And what was it that has been happening?" he prompted coolly.

Breath in, breath out. He is just a man with funny eyebrows. He means nothing, regardless of his well-fitting slacks. Warriors do not fold in the arms of distraction, particularly if that distraction owns evil eyebrows.

"I began to notice a shift in the social dynamic of the members in the house." Duo was about to open his mouth, before Wufei reiterated, "… it seemed as the source of the problems…" he drawled out, to make sure that Duo could follow along now. The boy nodded in comprehension, and so Wufei continued, "… began with Heero's latest hobby."

"Hobby?" Zechs quipped, tilting his head slightly, coaxing Wufei to continue. He took a sidelong glance at Heero. To the naked eye, the boy seemed fine and stoic, but to anyone who'd seen him on the battle field, where he carried more than one facial expression, it was obvious that this topic was unsettling.

"Yes…" Wufei waited to be interrupted, and pleasantly surprised that he was not. Nearly smiling, he straightened up smugly, "He spends many hours of the night and early morning on his laptop… we can all hear it, we just weren't quite sure what he was doing. It came up in conversation where Duo suggested -"

"-that it was porn! Okay - har har, it was a joke!"

"Mr. Maxwell." The braided boy sulked as Treize had promptly cut him off, and was put back in his place. Wufei rolled his eyes slightly. The silence was too good to be true.

"… as he said. And that was how it began," the young scholar nodded to himself as if cross-referencing his memories and recollections. Satisfied, he looked up to signify he was finished with that portion, awaiting the next question. Treize nodded to him, and offered a small proud smile. Wufei tried not to beam.

"Now… in the best way you can, Wufei… could explain what the 'it' was?" A non-forked eyebrow rose, and the man rephrased, "What happened next?"

Wufei glanced at all his comrades, who were looking at him expectantly. He then scouted the room for a clock. Damn doctors… What room doesn't have a bloody clock on the wall? Muttering a bit to himself about injustice, his gaze fixed on the carpet as he continued his tale, "… then I noticed a change in behavior." The boy seemed reluctant to name names, but considering the glares he was receiving from Duo and Heero, it was pretty obvious who he was talking about. Everyone waited to hear what he had to say next.

Wufei looked at Heero. Heero looked at Wufei. Wufei, then, looked at Duo. Duo looked at Wufei. Wufei looked at Treize. Treize waggled his eyebrows at Wufei. Dropping his head to look at his lap, he spoke softly, "Perhaps Trowa would have a better account than myself…" He gestured to the boy who was now quite cozy with a certain cutie. Wufei saw this and a little vein popped out at his temple. Had they no restraint?!

Trowa had a 'Who? Me?' look on his face, as everyone turned their attention on him. His chair was now pulled right up next to Quatre's, and the smaller of the two was curled up against his side. Trowa had his arm draped over his shoulders, while his hand came up to stroke his chin.

"Mr. Barton?" Zechs prompted.

Silence.

"… Trowa?" Treize tried, carefully.

The boy in question scratched his chin, and tilted his head, but still no answer.

"… Twinkie-bear?" All eyes turned to Quatre. "What? I have a sweet tooth," the boy retreated further into his lover's chest and pouted. So… that was the end of that portion of that discussion. However, for those of you who would like to pause and dwell on the mental image of Trowa and Quatre in a kinky Twinkie moment; feel free to do so now.

Back to Trowa:

"Well… I honestly can't say I noticed anything…" Everyone collectively showed signs of frustration. Wufei and Heero rolled their eyes. Duo rubbed his temples. Treize tapped his pen on his notepad. Zechs twirled his hair. Trowa usually had a way with dramatic pauses, but this? Honestly. "It wasn't really brought to my attention until Quatre brought it up."

"Oh?"… Treize looked up from his notes hopefully. "And what did Quatre have to say?"

"Well, we were in the middle of - ow… Quatre…" he muttered softly, rubbing his tender side from his lover's pinch. "He just mentioned that the tensions in the house were rising… oh and there was that weird thing with Heero at school."

"The computer incident?" Treize knew all about it. Everyone at school did, whether or not they were too scared to confront Heero about it or not. Zechs rose an eyebrow in question, "… Well apparently…"

"… I threw a monitor across the room in a wall." The finality in Heero's statement opted that they move on. Duo swallowed audibly, sinking in his chair. He found himself the target of one of Heero's latest glares: I'm-Gonna-Get-You-Suckah Glare™.

The boy pondered why the love of his life, with the most startling eyes, the most chiseled physique available to a seventeen year old… couldn't have a I'm-Gonna-Shag-You-Rotten Glare™. Or a I'm-Undressing-You-With-My-Eyes Glare™. Duo heaved a great sigh.

Si~igh.

Clearing his throat, hoping to clear some of the air, Trowa continued, "It bothered me that he would do such a thing… I was afraid something serious had happened. I tried to catch up with him as soon as I'd heard but I ran into Quatre in the hall and…" There was a collective groan as both Trowa and Quatre blushed. Zechs and Treize took notes. "… I sort of forgot."

The counselors unconsciously, and simultaneously, licked their lips. They wouldn't mind 'forgetting' a few things right about now… In synchronicity, they unfolded their legs, and crossed them alternately.

"And then there was Wufei's splinter…" Apparently Trowa was going for a record today. It was as if he was piecing all of these things together aloud, "He got this huge splinter and I offered to help him take it out…"

Heero's eyebrow twitched. Duo bit his lip hard as he hugged a laugh in his stomach. Wufei and Quatre were struggling with their own methods to keep from laughing.

"And Heero and Duo burst in like the house was on fire…" Zechs and Treize looked at each other as if trying to figure out what that could mean. Trowa took a moment to glance around and realized he was skating on thin ice. Heero's face was steadily becoming redder, and he was guessing it wasn't because of modesty. "… they had heard Wufei, myself, and Quatre… and *uh-hem* misunderstood the situation."

Insert dramatic pause here.

"… waitasec," everyone looked at Zechs, for something had dawned on 'tall, blonde, and flaming.' "Wasn't Quatre supposed to go after Wufei?"

Quatre was busily picking at invisible lint on one of the buttons of Trowa's shirt. Everybody watched him do this for, maybe, a full minute. Glancing up, he blushed and giggled. "… oh, hi." He shyly waggled his fingers at everybody. Everyone sighed.

Si~igh.

Nibbling at the tip of his thumb, he twitched his nose. He could use the responsible diplomat mask right now, but it was safer to go for 'cute' in case he said anything that would offend. Or if he said something that could potentially tempt Heero to risk facing Trowa and kill him. "Well it was like they both said… I noticed early on that something had changed," he seemed proud to have noted. "Ever since Duo brought up…" He paused, glancing around and then whispering, "The 'p' word…"

This took a couple seconds for everyone to get the same 'p' word in mind. Phallic… Prostate… Pirate… Posterior… Pillow… Penis…

Oh yeah… Porn.

When they all nodded in consensus, Quatre continued, "Wufei seemed antsy…" the Chinese boy snorted in reply, "And Heero and Duo were… lost." Zechs tilted his head in question, gesturing with his hand to continue. "You may know that I get these… feelings sometimes. Especially when they're strong..." He always had difficulty expressing his space heart without it sounding like some hippie-trippy mumbo jumbo. Which it was, created by Bandai and TV Tokyo to satisfy the pot-smoking liberals and bleeding heart fangirls; but all that's beside the point. "Heero and Duo gave off vibes, for lack of a better term… of being confused and even… needy."

Quatre snapped his eyes closed waiting for the onslaught of gasps, sneers, and chuckles… or other possible projectiles. When nothing came, save for the gentle squeeze on his shoulders, he peeked out. Sure, he was being flaming, but hell if he could get away with it, and it was going to save his life - why the hell not? He had twenty some odd sisters to teach him of the ways to weave a web of manipulation through words and looks… If it meant he was going to look gay every once in a while, when he was gay to begin with, so be it. Pawing thankfully at Trowa's abdomen, he snuggled in for warmth.

Plus, it was comfy to be cute.

"It seemed to pass onto Wufei. His normally solemn attitude was even bordering on lonely…" The blond trailed off a bit as he saw Wufei look away, as if ashamed. The boy remained silent as none of the pilots seemed pleased. Save for Trowa, who was getting a belly rub.

Treize's gaze sought out Wufei's, but he wouldn't give it. Swallowing hard, the boy knew that he couldn't face this man again. Not here, and not in session. Not after what Quatre just said… He was probably screaming 'dominate and have pity on me' from every pore in his being.

Glancing at his watch, Zechs let the silence strewn on for several more minutes. Still an hour and a half with five scrumptious barely legals… he didn't know how much more his groin could take. Their hormones were practically screaming 'We need loving! Need it now!' and as their doctor, looking out for their mental well-beings, he was more than willing to oblige.

Especially in this delicious group atmosphere, and the untested sound-proof walls…

Treize's voice snapped him back to reality, along with the others, who were all brooding in their respective seats. Save Trowa, getting scratched behind his ears. "Duo? Heero?... which one of you would like to go next?"

Duo looked at Heero. Heero scowled at Duo.

Duo didn't want to tell them. He didn't want to reveal Heero's secret, but they both knew that's what started all of this. Contrary to popular belief, his goal in life wasn't to make Heero's life a living hell. He just wanted to be with him… but it wasn't looking as meant to be as it had in the beginning.

Heero didn't want Duo to tell them. He didn't want to be talking about this at all. The only thing he wanted to know was why it upset Duo so much. He was only 99.9% sure it was rejection. However, that .01% was nagging at him, clawing at him as his last string of hope clutched to it for dear life.

Zechs and Treize looked at the boys and then to each other knowingly. Without thinking, and momentarily forgetting where they were, they rolled their eyes.

Just another case of high school romance turned prime time drama.

As their pants tightened, the 'doctors' shared equally sympathetic glances. This was going to be a long session.

Si~igh.