Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy ❯ Garden of Fools ( Chapter 18 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Evangelion: Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy

Author's Note: It's been a ridiculously long time since the last update. Almost two years, I guess. I never intended for the hiatus to be that long… lots of stuff happened. I did a ridiculous amount of touring with both my band and another band I'm associated with… spent almost all my free time while not on tour in the studio, either working with said other band or doing mixing work. I also had a fairly serious relationship with another musician and our relationship ended primarily because we never saw each other. But I think she's happy and I'm doing ok, so life goes on. Also in this time period my ex-mother-in-law, who was far more of a mother to me than my own was, passed away while we were not on the best of terms. Add to that being sexually assaulted by a guy that was giggling like an idiot the entire time, being harassed and threatened by my (seriously insane) ex-wife, and dealing with a multitude of other difficulties that continually reared their ugly heads, I didn't really feel like writing. But… I think that perhaps now I can. I always intended to finish this story, and even though it's been forever and a day and likely none of the original readers give much of a damn anymore, I still want to finish it. So I am. I have some spare time right now, so I will take advantage of it. I might have several chapters written before this one is posted… or I might just upload it when I'm done and start working on the next one… I haven't decided yet. Either way, hopefully I'll have a few chapters out throughout this week. Knock on wood, and all that rot.

Required Disclaimer: Still no own. Still no money. Too evil for a conscience. I think I might just have some jelly donuts around here now, however… Enjoy and ponder on the glory of GAINAX! And stuff.

Chapter 18: Garden of Fools

Shinji shivered at the sight of Unit 00 being corrupted by the 16th Angel, unable to even imagine what pain Ayanami must be feeling from the attack. He started rushing towards her, reaching out with his AT field to try to draw the angel away from the first child's Eva.

“Shinji-kun, evasive action!” Major Katsuragi cried out in command as one end of the band of light that made up the angel struck towards Unit 01.

The purple Eva barely dodged and continued moving towards Unit 00. “Ayanami!” Shinji cried in desperation. Fear tightened its hold on his chest as he heard the first child speaking softly in her Eva, the comm. unit picking up the words.

“Is this me, crying? Is this my soul… that wants to be one with Ikari? I'm sorry…” Rei reversed her AT field and reached for the self-destruct switch.

“Rei, eject immediately!” Misato ordered, after receiving the report of the reversed AT field.

“No… I must remain here to maintain the AT field.” The blue eyed girl responded, sorrow and loneliness making her voice heavy. “Ikari… Shinji… I'm sorry. Sayonara.”

“AYANAMI!!!” Shinji cried, before being blinded by the explosion. His own AT field was all that kept him from being destroyed as well. Intense sorrow and fear choked the boy as he caught sight of a shattered exit plug flying through the air, a stream of blood and LCL fluid streaming from the cracked capsule. “NO!!! AYANAMI!!!!!!!!” His voice broke as he stared at the capsule, grief tearing into his soul and leaving him hollow. He was ejected from his Eva and tore out of the exit plug the moment it hit the ground and rushed to the shattered capsule, only to see the burnt and bloodied body of Ayanami Rei.

Shinji started screaming hysterically and only stopped when he realized he was being shaken violently. “Don't touch me!” The third child screamed, pulling away from the person violating his grief with their touch.

“Shinji-kun! You were having a nightmare!” A barely familiar male's voice said in a mild voice, with a touch of urgency to it.

The blue-eyed boy blinked rapidly and realized he was sitting in an unfamiliar room, soaked in sweat and crying his eyes out. “What?” It was all the pilot could manage as his mind tried to process the sudden change in his surroundings.

“Calm yourself, Shinji-kun. Are you awake now?” Kaoru inquired with an edge of amusement coloring his tone.

Shinji shook his head for a moment then realized he had been dreaming. <It… was a nightmare. Rei did not die when her Eva was destroyed… I saved her. The angel's attack on me did not miss… I was being corrupted by the angel as well… and Rei sacrificed herself to save me… even though… I can't think about that.> “I… saved her. Ayanami is alive.” The dream had seemed so real, he felt it necessary to state those words so that he would believe them.

“Did you save her?” Kaoru inquired in an ambiguous tone, quirking an eyebrow up slightly as a smile appeared on his lips.

Shinji stared at the other boy for several long moments, confused by the question. “Yes, I saved her, Nagisa.” The third child replied finally, uncertainty still plaguing him.

“Kaoru, please. My friends use my personal name, Shinji-kun.” The silver-haired boy admonished playfully.

“Gomen, Kaoru-kun.” The young Ikari blushed, pushing the horrid image of the deceased Rei as far from his conscious mind as he could.

“And did she, in fact, save you as well?” The fifth child asked as he stood up and placed his hands casually into his pockets.

The dark-haired pilot blinked and stared at the other boy, unable to comprehend why he would ask such a strange question. Silence fell upon them both for what seemed an eternity, and then Shinji glanced at the clock. “Thank you for allowing me to sleep here, Nag… eh… Kaoru-kun… I should return home.”

“Of course. Fare well, Shinji-kun.” The 17th angel smiled and bowed, remaining silent as the pilot left to return home. Soon after, the red-eyed boy left as well, strolling leisurely to NERV headquarters. Soon he was gazing up at Unit 02, with a touch of a frown on his face. “What is it about you that is… different, Kyoko?” He murmured to himself, staring up into the four eyes of the red mecha.

***************************

Gendo frowned as he stared at the soulless bodies of the first child floating in the Room of Gauf. <All the times I've seen these and the… real Rei while she was working on the Dummy Plug system… and I never noticed her… deficiency before.> He mused, shaking his head slightly. Perhaps it was because he never saw her as anything but a child, or perhaps it was because he simply never looked. He had to admit to himself, the latter was the more likely possibility. She was his daughter, in his mind, and after the diaper changing phase of a child's life is over, a father never looks at his little girl there… especially when she's reached adolescence. It just wasn't… right.

But that wasn't the primary cause of his concern and confusion. What really bothered him was the fact that it did bother him. Rei, being Lilith, would be joined with Adam, and Third Impact would occur. The barriers of the souls of all humanity would be breached, and they would all join as one… Man would become God. Therefore, it did not matter that Rei was unable to bear children. Soon, Rei as well as every other soul, would be joined as one. So why did it matter?

The elder Ikari turned away from the Room of Gauf, finding himself unable to look upon the soulless… dolls, any longer. He made his way to his office and sat at his desk, steepling his fingers before his face, deep in thought. Was he worried that Third Impact would not occur, or at least not in the way he had planned it, or was it something else?

Gendo picked up a framed picture of his beloved Yui and stared at it. For the first time since the accident occurred that ended her life, in which her soul was absorbed by Unit 01, he was unsure if he could bring himself to do what was necessary. This was… unacceptable. “For you, my dear Yui… I would move heaven and earth. As the final hour draws near… why do I find myself faltering? Give me the strength, my beloved, to do what is necessary. There is no future, so I must stop considering it.” He let out a long heavy sigh and set the picture back down on his desk with gentle care. For a moment his gaze turned upwards, fixed upon the unseen heavens, and wondered when the 17th angel would appear, so that all of this could be finished and he could reunite once more with his heart and soul.

***************************

Maya cracked her eyes open and groaned, the light above blinding her in its brilliance. “Where… am I?” She inquired of the light above her. She felt no pain… no injury… yet she knew she had fallen five stories. <I'm… dead. I am at peace and yet… I regret.>

“You're in the infirmary.” A cold, yet familiar voice floated from the area beyond the light.

“In… infirmary? I don't… understand.” The captain turned her head and realized there was something visible beyond the bright light. Slowly, she raised her hand to shield her eyes from the light, and the NERV infirmary came into view. “I'm… alive?”

“Hai. Your attempt at suicide failed.” The voice beyond stated.

Maya sat up sharply, much too fast and nearly blacked out. “What?! No! It was an accident!” She looked around and finally her eyes came to rest on Dr. Akagi. “Sempai?”

“Perhaps it was the blue cells in your blood that caused the accident. I'm afraid I'm going to have to declare an epidemic. Shinji's blue cells could be explained by any number of possible causes… but yours? They developed, seemingly out of nowhere. Luckily for us, there're not many people around here anymore, so quarantine won't be too problematic.”

The young Ibuki turned her gaze away from the doctor, a blush creeping into her cheeks. A possible cause for the presence of blue cells in her bloodstream came to her mind. She wasn't sure whether it would be better to let the doctor institute a quarantine, or to confess her sinful act. “I… think I may know a possible cause, sempai.” She finally admitted in a whisper.

The blonde doctor paused in her note scribbling and turned to look at her young protégé, quirking up an eyebrow inquisitively. “Proceed.” She stated in a cautious but curious tone.

Maya bit her lip nervously, still unable to meet her mentor's gaze. “I… was exposed to some of Pilot Ikari's DNA.”

“The young Ikari as well!? Are you screwing the whole family?!” Ritsuko couldn't help but make that outburst.

Captain Ibuki blinked in confusion and turned to look at the doctor. “Nani? What do you mean the whole family?”

Dr. Akagi growled, upset that the younger woman was still trying to deceive her. “I know you're Commander Ikari's new fucktoy.”

Maya's mouth dropped open in shock. She couldn't believe the doctor would think she was even capable of such a horrid action, especially considering what she knew about the commander as well as knowing that the relationship between him and her mentor had just ended recently. “How… what… why would you… I don't…” She was completely flustered.

Misinterpreting the reason for the captain's agitation, she let out a sharp “Harumph.” And turned away from the younger woman. “And now the young Ikari as well. I never realized you were… a slut.”

The captain was shocked speechless for several moments then an outburst forced its way out. “I DID NOT SLEEP WITH THE COMMANDER!” She sighed when the doctor turned a skeptical eye her way. “Why would you think I could even be capable of pursuing a relationship with him, especially after how he treated you? And so soon after it ended between the two of you!?”

Dr. Akagi frowned thoughtfully. “But your sudden promotion… and he has taken a sudden interest in you…”

“Because I'm spending time with his son.” Maya argued.

Another `harumph' issued from the blonde's lips. “You mean you're having sex with his son. His under-aged son.”

Maya couldn't argue that point… not really. “I… it wasn't like that.”

Ritsuko quirked up an eyebrow and sat down on one of the medical beds near the young captain. “Do I want to know how it was, then?”

The blush crept back into her cheeks, and she couldn't meet the doctor's gaze.

“I see. I thought it was strange that you entered the men's shower room while the young Ikari was bathing. And that his penis just happened to find its way into your mouth.” The blonde observed in a wise tone.

“No! That wasn't…” Maya paused. It occurred to her that she could just say he ejaculated when he inserted his penis into her mouth then… it wouldn't be unbelievable that an inexperienced 15 year old got over-excited with his first sexual encounter. What's more… she was having difficulty remembering if that was how it happened or not. The blue cells in her blood, she reasoned, must be causing some difficulty in memory and/or perception. She shook her head and remained silent for several moments, then felt a change of subject was prudent. “You said I have blue cells in my blood… does that mean I'm developing an S2 organ, like Shinji-kun?”

The doctor sipped some coffee as she looked back over the captain's test results. “I don't believe so. I will have to take a cell scraping of your appendix to be sure, however. But it was not distended as Pilot Ikari's had been. My hypothesis is that it's a temporary reaction to the… fluid you came into contact with.”

Maya frowned thoughtfully. “So it survived even stomach acid.”

Overhearing the captain's comment to herself, she opened a nearby cabinet and took out a package and tossed it onto the bed next to the younger woman. “Though I don't recommend you continue your relationship with that boy, if you must, at least protect yourself.”

Maya looked down and blushed a bright red when she saw what the doctor gave her. “Condoms!? I won't… I don't need… I wouldn't…”

“Take them.” Ritsuko ordered sternly. “I don't care what you do in your private time, but I don't want it interfering with your work here.”

The young Ibuki still felt her cheeks burning as she stuffed the box into her carry bag. “Sempai…”

“Unless an angel attacks, take the next few days off. You're of no use to us in an altered state. The blue cells should be all gone within a day. Theoretically.” Dr. Akagi ordered.

“…. Hai, sempai.” Picking up her things the captain left without another word, still embarrassed as could be.

Ritsuko shook her head after the younger woman left and sighed. “Those damn Ikaris…”

***************************

Asuka stirred slowly, rising up out of a troubled sleep. <My life was so much easier… when I could not cry.> Her blue eyes cracked open and she stared silently at the first child, slumbering next to her. <I wonder… if Rei has ever cried? Is she as lonely as I am?>

A few moments later, the red orbs of the first child opened and she regarded the second child curiously. “Are you injured, Soryu?”

The German girl stared at the other girl, confusion playing across her features. “Am I bleeding?”

Rei sat up slowly and casually wiped her eyes clean of sleep. “You are not bleeding.” She replied enigmatically.

Asuka felt a drop of water hit her hand and realized she had been crying without realizing it. “Scheiße!” She turned away from the other girl abruptly and wiped the tears away with indignantly stiff arm movements. “Dust in my eyes.” She stated the excuse lamely. Without risking a look back at the other girl she changed the subject. “Wanna see what we can scrounge up for breakfast? I think we have some eggs and sausage in the refrigerator.”

“I do not eat meat, Soryu.” The blue-haired girl reminded the second child in her trademark toneless gentle voice.

“Eggs aren't meat.” Asuka argued, standing up and straightening her night shirt. She started walking towards the kitchen, intent on finding something edible. “And call me Asuka! Have you forgotten already!?”

Rei joined her several moments later, paying no attention to the wrinkles in her clothing. “Eggs are laid by fowls, Sor… Asuka-chan. They are, in fact, unfertilized embryos. One could consider eggs, therefore, the menses of fowls.”

The red-haired girl had been moments away from cracking open several eggs, but froze. She stared at the eggs for well over a minute… and then calmly replaced them in the egg carton and returned them to the refrigerator. “I don't think I will ever be able to eat eggs again… thanks a lot, Rei-chan.” The German girl bit out.

“You are welcome, Asuka-chan.” Rei replied seriously. “Have you no miso? Or pickles?”

The blue-eyed girl scratched her head and started opening up cabinets. “That white stuff that Shinji's always eating in the morning? I'm not sure where he keeps it… or how to prepare it. Doesn't it taste awful? It looks like it tastes awful.”

Rei was silent, feeling it best not to point out that she considered the things that the other girl routinely ate to be disgusting.

The door opened a few moments later and Shinji rushed in, blinking in surprise to see two healthy and calm girls standing in the kitchen. “Ah you're… up.” <And neither of you are dead.>

“Where's the food, baka? Wonder Girl here doesn't want to eat chicken menstruation.” Asuka demanded, peering out from behind an opened cabinet.

Shinji's mouth dropped open in shock and horror.

Asuka glanced at the clock and sighed. “Forget it. You feed Rei-chan whatever she wants. I have to go to…” She paused, not wanting to say therapy, as if it would admit weakness in front of the other pilots. “I have an appointment.” She finally stated, grabbing some frozen pastry out of the freezer and popping it into the toaster. A confused look came over her countenance for a moment and she opened up the refrigerator and peered in. “Has anyone seen Pen-Pen lately?”

Shinji blinked in surprise and came behind the refrigerator to peer into it as well, as if he could spot the penguin where his fellow pilot could not. “I don't know, I haven't been around that much lately…”

Asuka's glanced back at the boy for a moment and stared for several long moments then suddenly cried, “BAKA HENTAI!” She smacked the boy upside the head, grabbed the now warmed pastry from the toaster, and ran into her room to get dressed.

Shinji blinked in surprise, unsure if the girl seemingly returning to normal was a good thing or not. “What did I do?” He inquired, expecting no reply from the quiet blue-haired girl waiting patiently for some manner of food.

“Perhaps when a girl is bending over while wearing only a shirt is not the best time to walk up behind her and press yourself against her, Shinji-kun.” Rei remarked softly.

The third child scratched his head in confusion. “I did what?”

“At least buy me dinner before molesting me, baka!” Asuka cried playfully as she hurried out, stuffing the pastry into her mouth as she opened the door and left without another word, only risking a quick glance at Rei, who was regarding the girl curiously.

Shinji bit his lip nervously and opened up one of the cabinets near the ground and pulled out some miso and a pot and placed it on the stove to heat. “I think there might be some tofu in the back of the refrigerator.” The third child remarked, making his way to the appliance.

Rei nodded and sat down on the floor next to the table to patiently wait for breakfast. The young Ikari glanced at the first child several times as he prepared the meal, though he knew her well enough to know she would most likely remain silent. It wasn't until he was finished cooking did she speak. “Thank you for preparing breakfast, Shinji-kun.”

“Ah… no problem.” Shinji laughed nervously and sipped some of the soup. “I think Misato-san finished off the pickles.”

The red-eyed girl nodded but did not comment.

The third child bit his lip nervously then inquired, “So how did you and Asuka-chan get along?”

Rei contemplated that for well over a minute before answering, “As I expected.”

The smile dropped from the blue-eyed boy's lips and he looked crestfallen. “Oh.”

“It was… pleasant.” Rei elaborated, cryptically.

Confusion passed over Shinji's features. “You… expected it to be pleasant?”

“She did not slap me this time.” Rei offered as an explanation.

Shinji blinked in surprise. “This time? She's slapped you?”

“Not this time, no.” The first child responded enigmatically.

The third child frowned in thought. “Oh… you mean not since the sync test all those months ago, when we fought the 7th angel?”

Rei regarded the boy across from her thoughtfully for a few moments then stated, “Last time she slapped me. This time, she did not.”

The young Ikari shook his head. “I don't understand.”

Confusion touched Rei's eyes for a few moments, and then she calmly finished her soup. “Neither do I.”

Shinji waited for several minutes for the blue-haired girl to elaborate, but she never did. “Rei-chan…” He paused for a moment, realizing he had been using chan the whole morning, even with Asuka, and neither seemed to mind. He considered correcting himself, but decided against it. If they did not mind, why should he? “Do you remember the promise you made me last year?”

Ayanami turned her red eyes onto the other pilot and stared at him, as if into his very soul, for over a minute. She searched her memories for a promise, and then spoke. “Hai. I promised to protect you.”

The boy looked thoughtful for a few moments then inquired, “Are you protecting me now?”

Rei tilted her head slightly to the side, regarding her fellow pilot silently. Finally she responded. “Always.”

Ikari wasn't sure why he asked her that, or how it even occurred to him… but the question that Kaoru asked him that morning was bugging him. “I… did save you, didn't I?”

If she was surprised by his question, the first child did not betray it. After some consideration, she responded honestly. “Yes, you saved me this time.”

Shinji felt melancholy settle over his heart, though he wasn't sure why. Everything lately seemed to be so confusing. “This time?” It was the second time the girl had responded in that manner this morning.

“Hai.” Ayanami replied.

“I don't understand.” The dark-haired boy stated honestly.

Rei shook her head once. “Neither do I.”

<My head hurts.> Ikari grumbled internally. A change of subject was in order. “How is your hand this morning?”

The first child looked down at her hand curiously and flexed it a few times. “It has healed.”

They fell into a comfortable silence for a while, and then Shinji looked up at the red-eyed girl. “Rei-chan… why am I developing an S2 organ? Do… you know?”

The first child considered that for a while then answered, “I am not certain. However, there is someone that would know.”

Ikari's eyes snapped up to meet Ayanami's. A feeling of dread crept up from the pit of his stomach. “You mean… my father?”

Rei paused thoughtfully, and then responded. “Hai.”

Shinji was about to ask her about Kaoru when Misato walked in. “I'm home!” The purple-haired beauty called.

“Welcome home.” Shinji called out politely.

Major Katsuragi walked in and opened the refrigerator and frowned at seeing no beer. <Damn that's right… the store didn't have any.> She looked over her shoulder and found Rei regarding her curiously. “Oh… good morning, Ayanami-chan.”

“Good morning, Katsuragi-shousa.” The first child responded politely.

“I'm off duty. Call me Misato.” The major told her, sitting down next to Shinji. “Any miso left?”

Shinji stood up and poured some into a bowl for his guardian before sitting back down. “Hai, Misato-san. Here you go.”

Misato sipped the soup and raised an eyebrow at the blue-haired girl, curious why she was still regarding her with such an inquisitive expression on her face. “Rei-chan? Something on my face?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary, Misato-shousa.” The red-eyed girl responded evenly.

Shinji blinked and looked between the two women, wondering as well what was going on.

Misato blinked.

Shinji blinked again.

Misato sipped her soup.

Shinji blinked.

“Did I interrupt something?” Misato inquired finally.

“No, of course not!” Shinji cried the moment he saw Rei open her mouth, knowing her well enough to know she was going to say yes. “You seem to be in a good mood this morning, Misato-san.”

The major blinked and looked at the third child for a moment then shrugged. “I went over to Ritsu-chan's last night, to give the girls some privacy. We had a good time.” <A realgood time.>

Rei continued to stare at Misato.

Misato blinked.

Shinji blinked.

Misato sipped her soup.

Rei stared.

“Misato-san… where's Pen-Pen? Asuka mentioned she hadn't seen him in a while.” Shinji inquired, hoping to break the strange tension in the room.

The major blushed, realizing she had forgotten to mention the reason for the penguin's absence to the children. “I felt it was no longer safe for him around here, because of what happened during the last angel's attack. I sent him to stay with the Horakis.”

“Oh, with Asuka's friend? I didn't realize…” Shinji looked down at his hands that were resting on his lap, feeling sad he hadn't seen the penguin off.

“We've all had a lot to deal with lately.” Misato stated, looking worried for a few moments before her normal cheery smile returned. “Well I'll let you two lovebirds get back to what you were doing before I so rudely interrupted.” She got up and gave the young Ikari a `thumbs up' gesture. “Have fun.”

Shinji blushed and continued staring at his hands. “I swear she thinks I'm sleeping with every girl I know.”

Rei regarded the boy silently, and did not comment.

Shinji looked up at the blue-haired beauty for a few moments and tried to think of something to say, but nothing came to him, his earlier question about the 5th child forgotten.

Rei, also, remained silent.

***************************

Dr. Kagame regarded Asuka silently for several long moments, noting the turmoil in the girl's features. “How have you been feeling since our last meeting, Asuka?”

The red-haired girl chewed on her lip thoughtfully and leaned back in her chair. “Up and down.” She finally responded.

The therapist waited a few moments for the girl to elaborate, but when she did not, he asked another question. “How have your interactions with the young Ikari been?”

The second child twirled a bit of hair around her finger, tilting her head a little to the side as she considered that. “We… I suppose things have gone well, Herr Doktor. I cried on his shoulder… and he actually comforted me instead of taking the opportunity to feel me up. We talked about things… I think we're in a good place.”

“Good as in romantic?” Dr. Kagame inquired.

“Nein. Good as in… friendly. I have placed my trust in him. I do not think he will… prove unworthy of it.” The German girl admitted, turning her gaze towards the window.

The therapist noticed her turmoil, and reasoned that since she spoke of Shinji so easily, he was not the cause of it. “You seem… distracted. Is there anything you'd care to share?”

“I think I might be gay.” Asuka blurted.

Dr. Kagame blinked. “Pardon me?”

“I think I might be gay.” The red-haired girl repeated a little more slowly.

The man was quiet for several moments as he looked back over his notes. “The last time that subject came up, you seemed… adamantly opposed to the notion.”

“That is true.” The blue-eyed girl admitted.

“But now you think you are homosexual?” He inquired, quirking an eyebrow up slightly.

Asuka took a deep breath to calm the fires of her outrage down. Normally she would blow up at someone by now… but she did not want to do that. “I kissed another girl.” She offered as an explanation.

“So you kissed another girl… and this makes you gay?” Dr. Kagame inquired.

“Several times.” The pilot added.

The therapist noted that down and ordered his thoughts. “So you kissed another girl several times… and so you are gay.”

“I liked kissing her. A lot. When I kissed Shinji, all I could really think was that his breath was tickling me. When I kissed Rei…” The German girl was interrupted.

“Rei? Ayanami Rei? You kissed Ayanami Rei?” Dr. Kagame stated in disbelief.

Annoyance flashed through the girl's blue eyes, both because of the man's skeptical attitude, and because he rudely interrupted her. “Yes. When I kissed Rei…”

“I'm sorry for interrupting you… again… but we're talking about the same Ayanami Rei that you have repeatedly referred to as Wonder Girl, a doll, expressed extreme hatred and vehemence for… the one you feel stole Shinji from you?” The doctor looked over his glasses at the girl, still trying to piece this revelation together.

“Yes.” Asuka nodded, not refuting what the man said because it had been true.

Dr. Kagame blinked and stared at his young patient for several long moments, then finally spoke, “I apologize again for my disruption. Please continue. When you kissed Ayanami…”

“Ja… when I kissed Rei, I felt… happy. I didn't even notice her breath tickling me. I'm sure she must have been breathing… we kissed for a long time. But I didn't notice it. It was like I was lost in her soft lips.” The pilot explained, gazing up at the ceiling as if looking there aided her memory.

The therapist frowned in thought, noting that down. “How do you feel about that?”

Asuka contemplated that, and then simply replied, “Sad.”

The doctor raised an eyebrow up, genuinely surprised by that response. “Why does that make you feel sad?”

“Rei and Shinji are practically in love.” The pilot explained. “Rei did not let me kiss her because she wanted to kiss me, she did it because she was curious about kissing. She wants Shinji to kiss her. She only tolerates my kisses. She doesn't know enough about relationships to know that she shouldn't be kissing me.”

“Do you feel guilty then, for taking advantage of her naiveté?” Dr. Kagame asked.

The red-haired girl thought about that for a few moments, then answered honestly. “No.”

“Because it's your revenge on her, or perhaps Shinji, for having a relationship with each other, and excluding you?” The man queried.

“It's not like that.” Asuka denied the accusation.

“Explain it to me then.” The doctor requested.

The pilot sighed and turned her chair so she could rest her feet up on the nearby couch, using the pause to order her thoughts. “I don't plan on causing any conflicts between Shinji and Rei. I wouldn't kiss Rei if I felt she didn't want it. Maybe she doesn't want it in the same way I do… but I think she's as lonely as I am. What does it hurt for us to give each other a little affection, then?”

“To return to an earlier question then, you feel this makes you gay?” Dr. Kagame asked.

Asuka turned her head to regard the therapist curiously, confused as to why he was still skeptical. “Why shouldn't it?” She countered.

The doctor sighed and took a few moments to determine the best way to phrase the explanation. “Are you attracted to any other women?”

The blue-eyed pilot thought about that for a few moments then shrugged. “I don't know. I haven't really thought about it.”

“But you have expressed attraction to Shinji. And Kaji. Both men.” Dr. Kagame observed.

The red haired girl leaned her head back to let her hair spill downwards towards the floor and tilted her seat back a little again, using the coach to balance herself. “That is true.”

“Do you want to have sex with Ayanami?” The therapist inquired.

Asuka was silent for several moments, considering that. “I don't know. Maybe. It's too early to determine that.”

“Is it, perhaps, the affection you crave, and the fact that she's female has little to do with it?” Dr. Kagame asked.

“Of course I want affection. But I think she's attractive too. No, not just attractive… she's beautiful. I mean… really. Have you seen her? Mein Gott…” The pilot smiled, thinking about the other girl's features.

The doctor made some notes then continued, “Perhaps you are bisexual. Or even gay. But I find this sudden change questionable. Is it possible that you seek affection from Rei because of her connection to Shinji? He cares for her… so if she cared for you, it could be said that by extension, you had a connection to Shinji as well?”

Asuka turned her head to give the doctor a quizzical look. “That makes no sense, Herr Doktor.”

Dr. Kagame nodded. “Perhaps. But let me ask you the important question, then. Is it possible that the primary reason you feel attracted to Ayanami that you feel there is no future between you, because of her relationship with Ikari? That it is safe to seek her out because you feel you will never get her?”

The pilot frowned, confused by that logic. “Why would I seek someone out only because I didn't think I could catch them? Isn't that just… futile?”

“As long as you pursue a relationship, you don't have to deal with the realities of it. You don't have to deal with the faults of the object of your affection. You don't have to worry about whether they will break your heart. You don't have to open up to them. You're free to lust and long, without the consequences of trust and the fear of loss.” Dr. Kagame explained.

Asuka laughed. She actually laughed. “You don't know me at all, Herr Doktor. Nothing is impossible for me, as long as I will it to be so. If I seek something, I do so because I feel it is attainable. If there is no hope, then what do I have? Maybe I will never have a romance with Rei. But I think it's possible. Maybe I will never have a romance with Shinji. But I think it's possible. Why wouldn't someone want to be with me? Look at me!”

The doctor was taken back by her confidence. Thus far, he had only seen her at her worst, having no confidence, a shattered mind. He had never seen her when she was `normal'. It baffled him. “Well… perhaps that is so. Um… perhaps a change of subject is in order. I wanted to talk more about your mother…”

“Time is up, Herr Doktor. Until next time, auf Wiedersehen!” Asuka stood up abruptly, gave the doctor a friendly wave, and left without waiting for a reply.

Dr. Kagame stared at the now closed door in shock, and began to wonder if the girl was suffering from multiple personalities.

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And here you go folks… finally, a new chapter for your greedy eyes. Yay! There's a bit of foreshadowing in this chapter… you may have noticed. In the next chapter, unless I suddenly change my mind, you can look forward to Shinji talking to his dear old father, Maya deciding to get Rei to spend another day with her, and um… Kaoru will probably do something interesting. Ooo, he suggested he get to have a chat with Asuka. Why not? Until next time (which will hopefully be within a day or two), auf Wiedersehen!