Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy ❯ Interludes: Part 3 � Kaoru and the Wheel of Destiny ( Chapter 21 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Evangelion: Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy

Author's Note: I decided to make a change to my plans for this chapter. I was going to save the Kaoru stuff for later but then I was like “You know, it's just not going to fit well into the regular story… I can't just jam it in there. Girls just don't do that.” (And now I must duck and run from the menfolk… haha) So rather than having some long-winded conversation where Kaoru mentions this “first time around, second time around” etc stuff during his final confrontation with Shinji, I decided to do it in Interlude form and then some sort of mention will be made to him at some point, maybe. Anyway… let me know what you think.

Required Disclaimer: Still no own. Still no money. Too evil for a conscience. I think I might just have some jelly donuts around here now, however… Enjoy and ponder on the glory of GAINAX! And stuff.

Chapter 21: Interludes: Part 3 - Kaoru and the Wheel of Destiny

Part 1: The First Time Around

Kaoru wandered the devastated city of Tokyo-3, observing the effects of the civil war between his brothers and sisters. “So this is the end result of creation.” The angel observed, gazing upon the destruction with an accepting gaze. He paused outside of a shop, tilting his head as he heard a strange, beautiful sound. A smile formed on his lips as he closed his eyes, taking in the sound of Beethoven's “Ode to Joy”.

“Such beauty the Lilim are capable of, wrapped in their cocoons of sorrow.” He remarked aloud in wonder. After hearing the entire song, the fifth child continued wandering the desolate streets. The newest pilot neared a large crater lake, created by the destruction of Unit 00. “Little sister, this is your handiwork.” He remarked, laughing softly.

Kaoru turned his gaze, spotting a dark-haired boy walking away from the area of the lake on his way to school. “Ah, I missed the young Ikari. I suppose if I hadn't stopped to hear that beautiful song, I might have been able to introduce myself. A pity. That will have to wait.” He started humming the tune to the song he heard in the shop and walked to NERV headquarters so as to introduce himself to the staff and begin his plans.

He stayed there, talking with the various personnel of NERV, curious why they fought with such conviction. He was particularly impressed with the resolve of Misato Katsuragi, for she had witnessed the Second Impact, seen the weakness of Man against the might of the Angels, and yet still she stood in defiance, refusing to let mankind go gently into the night.

After the sync tests were performed, where he amazed the command and support personnel of NERV with his amazing results, he was walking through NERV and spotted the young Ayanami coming up an escalator towards him, so he stopped and waited for her. “Greetings, sister.” He smiled at the blue-haired girl.

Rei stared at the boy impassively for several moments then turned to walk away.

“Have you no kind words for your big brother, dear sister?” Kaoru inquired, following the girl.

“I am not her.” The first child stated in a near whisper, her gait not slowing.

The 17th angel smiled. “No, but you are born from her and you bear her soul.”

The red-eyed girl paused and turned to face the fifth child. “What do you want?”

“I wish to converse with you, dear sister.” Nagisa explained with a soft laugh.

Ayanami's eyes narrowed. “For what purpose?”

“You walk amongst the Lilim, as both the Mother and Daughter, and you are even lonelier than most. Your soul cries out in desperate pain, but you ignore it. You refuse to reach out and connect with any of them. Why?” The newest pilot inquired, leaning casually against the steel wall behind him.

Rei's eyes narrowed as she considered his words. “I do not… understand my feelings. When I have a purpose, I am happy. When my purpose is lost, I wait for it again. Piloting Eva helps me understand myself, but when I am not in Eva, I am… empty.”

Kaoru nodded. “Your soul seeks to fulfill its purpose. Fascinating. Why do you not follow your heart? It leads you to your happiness.”

The first child followed the boy's gaze, watching Shinji Ikari heading towards the boys' locker room. “My heart does not lead to Ikari.”

“And that is why your heart is empty, dear sister. It leads you to the broken void, and it shall destroy you. A pity.” The silver-haired boy commented. “Perhaps, if he destroys me, you shall have a second chance.”

Rei raised an eyebrow up slightly, regarding the fifth child. “Why is Ikari so important? He is just a boy.”

Kaoru gave the girl a gentle smile. “As am I. But our destinies will soon collide, and to the victor goes the spoils. Perhaps you are as unimportant to him as he is to you. Does that frighten you? Perhaps he shall choose void, as you have done.”

“Perhaps.” The first child responded. Without another word, she turned away from Tabris in human form. “I shall fulfill my function, as shall you.” She deadpanned, and then walked away.

The silver-haired boy smiled and walked away, humming to himself.

The next morning, he took a deep breath, greeting the sun with a smile. He made his way to NERV again, took a few last minute looks around, and then came to stand before Unit 02. He gazed up at the red giant and nodded. “It's time.”

Soon after dominating the soul of Unit 02, he was using his power to make his way towards Terminal Dogma, intent on finding and merging with Adam. A moment later he heard a primal scream and looked up.

“NAGISA!!!” Shinji cried, using his Eva unit to tackle its red counterpart. “I don't understand this, you're a human, but you're an angel too?!” The third child demanded.

Kaoru smiled as he watched the two giant Evas struggle. “Ah, Ikari-san, we meet at last. It was our fate to meet here. It is you and I who shall decide the fate of mankind.”

As Unit 01 struggled with Asuka's Eva, the third child shook his head. “I don't understand what you're talking about! I don't want to have to kill you, but if that's what I have to do, I will!”

They crashed through the last barrier into Terminal Dogma and fell into Lilith's blood, Shinji using the fall to position his Eva on top of the other so it took the brunt of the damage. A moment later, his Eva's fist closed on the 17th Angel. “Why!? Why are you doing this?” The young Ikari demanded.

Kaoru was surprised at how quickly the pilot had overcome his adversary and closed in on him. He hadn't even had a chance to see the Father before he was caught. He glanced upwards and saw Rei staring down at him impassively, using her own powers to keep his in check. He laughed softly. “It was our destiny, Ikari-san. And it seems you have won. Will you choose the Void, as Ayanami-san has, I wonder? I wish I had gotten a chance to get to know you. It would have been nice to know whether you are worthy or not.”

“What the hell are you talking about?!” Shinji demanded.

“You must destroy me if mankind is to survive, Ikari-san. Otherwise, I will destroy you all. So choose, then.” Kaoru gave the pilot a forgiving smile.

Shinji was silent for several long moments. “More blood on my hands for the sake of mankind. Perhaps… now I can rest.” Without another word, his hand closed.

Soon afterwards, Shinji was crying, both in sorrow and relief that his struggle was now over. He stiffened when he felt a presence in front of him. He looked up and saw Rei standing before him, with a confused look on her face. “Oh… Ayanami.”

Rei stared down at the other pilot, curiosity in her voice as she asked, “Why do you cry, Ikari?”

“I'm… tired of it all. But I'm relieved. I no longer have to pilot Eva. I suppose I won't be seeing you again.” The boy stated a little sadly.

“You have… regrets?” Ayanami inquired. She seemed confused more than ever.

Shinji nodded. “A lot of regrets, yes.”

The blue-haired girl knelt down and looked into the boy's eyes. “What is your greatest regret, Ikari?”

The third child sighed and glanced away for a moment before meeting her gaze again. “I… would have liked to have gotten to know you better. I think… I think that we could have been friends.”

Rei was silent for a while, then nodded. “Perhaps. Maybe we shall have a second chance. Now, take my hand, Ikari. It is time.”

Shinji blinked and looked at the girl in confusion. “Time?” His eyes widened in fear when he noticed her eyes were no longer red, but gold. She also seemed slightly translucent, but also glowing with power. “What?!”

“It will not hurt, Ikari. I promise.” Rei-Lilith stated softly, warmly in fact.

Tears fell unchecked from Shinji's eyes, but he felt peace settle over his soul. “I trust you.” He reached out and took the girl's hand. A moment later, his physical form was shed in a burst of LCL fluid.

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Part 2: The Second Time Around

Note: This time around would be considered the events you watched on the show. So herein will be the events you didn't see or a different perspective on the ones you did.

A moment later, he blinked as memories flooded his mind. He looked towards the lake-filled crater off in the distance and smiled. “Ah, a second chance? Amazing.” Instead of staying near the shop to hear the entire song this time, he walked to the lake and found a perch on a fallen statue. “This time, I shall not miss meeting you, Ikari-san.” The silver-haired bow remarked to himself. Soon enough, the third child stopped to observe the lake. He could feel the turmoil in the boy's soul and it fascinated him, making him wonder what lay beyond the cocoon of sorrow he had wrapped around his soul. He started humming “Ode to Joy”, the sound making the young pilot realize he was not alone. After their fateful conversation, they made their way to NERV for the sync tests.

Afterwards, Kaoru changed out of his plug suit and walked to the escalator where he met Rei the first time, curious to see if she was any different this time. “You are the first child, correct? Ayanami Rei. You are the same as I am.”

The surprise left the girl's eyes almost immediately and curious suspicion was its replacement. “Identify yourself.” Rei requested.

“Nagisa Kaoru, the fifth child.” The silver-haired boy responded.

Rei stared at the boy silently for a few moments then started leaving, remaining silent.

“You do not remember me, little sister?” The fifth child inquired, surprised that he remembered but she did not.

“I do not.” The red-eyed girl responded.

The newest pilot smiled. “Fascinating. You are different this time.”

Ayanami paused and turned to face him. “Explain yourself.” She requested in her normal soft voice.

“Of course.” Kaoru nodded, casually leaning back against the wall behind him. “The last time we met, your soul was empty. You sought the Void because you had nothing else. This time… you care for someone.”

Rei regarded the boy thoughtfully, a vague memory playing at the edge of her consciousness. Somehow, his words made sense. “Ikari.”

“He does seem to be the center of it.” The fifth child stated with amusement.

Ayanami considered that silently. “Ikari does? He is… in my heart, but I do not understand why.”

Kaoru nodded. “I simply must speak with him this time, then. But tell me, little sister, why does your soul not reach out for his? You have touched, yet your heart does not cry out for his.”

Rei turned away from the silver-haired boy before replying. “Because we have no future. Perhaps if things were different…” She trailed off, a touch of regret in her voice, and then walked away silently.

The fifth child sighed. “You may get another chance, but I think things will end differently this time, little sister. I am sorry.” He made his way towards the baths, remembering Shinji had gone that way last time, so he figured he would likely run into him there. A bulkhead opened and he smiled at finding the third child sitting on a bench, listening to music. The loneliness still cried out from his soul, but a yearning was present as well. “Hello. You weren't waiting here for me, were you?” Kaoru inquired, amusement in his voice.

“No, well, not really waiting anyway.” Shinji replied, blushing in embarrassment.

And so Kaoru was able to spend a good deal of time conversing with the enigmatic Ikari, and quickly realized how beautiful the boy's soul was, and how delicate his heart. `It is too bad that you and Little Sister never had a chance to pursue your happiness, Shinji-kun. I see why she loves you.' He thought to himself.

The next day, it was time to meet his destiny once more. “It is time! Let us go, Adam's dark shadow, servant of the Lilim!”

As he was making his way towards Terminal Dogma, he glanced upwards, remembering that the last time, Shinji had caught up to him already by this time. “Shinji-kun… you are late.” The 17th angel murmured, curious why that event was different this time.

After they penetrated Terminal Dogma, Kaoru noticed that the third child landed on the bottom this time, and still struggled with Unit 02, distracted due to his conflict and anger over the fifth child's betrayal. He turned without a word and made his way towards Adam and floated in front of it. “Adam… that from which we came. Must one who is born of Adam return to Adam, even though it will destroy Man?” Realization dawned on him as he realized he was not looking upon Adam, but Lilith, with a mask covering her face. “Wait… this isn't… I understand now! The Lilim! Lilith!” `We are brothers and sisters with mankind as well… amazing. The hope that spurred Man to defeating my brethren is worthy to survive. Shinji… you are worthy most of all, you who have found your way into Little Sister's heart.' He turned to face Shinji, ready to accept his fate. He was at peace, even as his body was crushed and his soul freed once more.

That evening, Misato returned home after attempting to console the young Ikari for ending Kaoru's life. He was sitting in the same place where he had met the angel for the first time. Tears fell from his eyes as he stared into the waters filling the hole where his Ayanami had died.

Shinji blinked a few times and looked up, somewhat surprised, even through his grief, at seeing Rei standing beside him silently. “Oh… Ayanami. Hello.” He offered weakly.

She stared down at him. “Why do you cry, Ikari?” She inquired softly.

“Kaoru… he didn't deserve to die. He was… so much better than I.” The third child explained, looking back towards the waters.

The first child knelt down on the ground next to him, looking out where her former self had died. “Is that your greatest regret, Ikari?” She asked.

Shinji sighed. He wanted to say yes, but he would be lying. He had cared for Kaoru very much. He saw a beauty in the angel's soul that he wished he could have saved. But, he did not love the angel as he had loved another. “No.” He replied simply.

The blue-haired girl turned her head to regard the boy silently, her curiosity piqued. “What is your greatest regret, Ikari?”

The third child blushed, unsure if he could tell her. “It might upset you.”

The girl blinked. “Please tell me, Ikari.” She requested politely.

Shinji stared down at his hands, feeling sheepish. “I regret… that I was unable to save you. When you detonated your Eva to save my life. You are her… but you are not her. It's all very confusing. I… never connected with you in the same way I did with her. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm telling you this.

Rei was silent for a while before responding. “I asked you to and you were honest. Thank you. I regret that as well, I would have liked to have… had a future with you.”

The third child turned his gaze back to the blue-haired angel, confusion coming over his expression. “I don't understand.”

“Perhaps… we shall have another chance. It is time.” Rei-Lilith gave the boy a gentle loving smile.

Shinji was shocked numb. “Rei… your eyes.” He stared into the golden orbs, apprehension worming through his guts.

“Take my hand, Shinji-kun. It will not hurt, I promise.” Rei-Lilith requested gently, holding out her hand.

Tears fell unchecked from Shinji's eyes as regrets burned in his heart, but he felt peace settle over his soul. “I trust you.” He reached out and took the girl's hand. A moment later, his physical form was shed in a burst of LCL fluid.

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Part 3: The Third Turnof the Wheel

Kaoru stared up at Rei's apartment, memories of the prior two realities already having come to his mind. He felt this time things were drastically different than the previous two times, which had been relatively similar, except for what was in Rei and Shinji's hearts. There was something about Rei that was making this happen, and he had to know what. He knew she was brethren, but he did not understand that connection completely.

So when he had her distracted, he pressed his fingers past the girl's pale skin and touched her S2 organ. Immediately he knew her… Lilith. `Of course! Who else would have had the cause these changes?' He also sensed it in her… the love for Shinji Ikari, much stronger this time. `They have connected. This is glorious! And yet… still their hearts do not rush towards each other! Will they never learn?'

Learning this truth was worth the pain that the girl's anger resulted in as she lashed out with her power on instinct. `I suppose I deserved that for intruding on her as I did. But she will understand someday, I hope.'

Later, when he was spending time with Shinji, he was amazed at how different he seemed this time. Happier in a way, though the shroud of sorrow and loneliness still hung over his soul. It broke the angel's heart, but he had hope for the boy.

Even later still, as he was contemplating Eva Unit 02, he sensed that something was different about it this time, but he wasn't sure yet what it was. He was just about to walk away when Asuka walked up and stared up at the Eva in a daze, lost in her own thoughts. Kaoru smiled, happy that this time he would get a chance to get to know the second child, as the previous two times they had never even met. He found her passion fascinating, but the shroud of sorrow and loneliness seemed to strangle her soul. Perhaps she was happier than she had been in the previous two realities, but it was barely a step up. He tried to share some insight with the girl, hoping to spark… something in her, some hope perhaps, but all it really seemed to serve to do was anger her. Still, it was very much worth it.

Later that day, during the sync test, it became apparent. After he left with Shinji, his thoughts turned to Unit 02. `Kyoko… you are not hiding this time. Your daughter's strength has returned, and so then, has your own? I see that you will not allow me to dominate you for a third time.'

After the boy left the showers to return home again, he returned to the room NERV had given him. “It seems fair that I give Shinji-kun and my dear sister some time to figure things out. Or, perhaps I will find the true Adam this time? Perhaps fate is giving me these extra chances, instead of those two? One cannot deny one's fate, only delay it. We shall see how things play out then. Good luck, dear sister. Perhaps you shall find your happiness at last.”

Kaoru stretched out on his bed and hummed softly to himself.

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Next chapter: This time for sure, Asuka decides to spend the night over at Ayanami's this time, to continue the girl-talk and attempt to convince the girl that Shinji won't go after her on his own, so she should give him some sort of “Come get some” signal. Whether that works or not, I suppose you'll have to wait and see. Meanwhile, Misato has requested some Shinji-time while she can still get it, so that'll be in the next chapter as well. Maya has invoked her video-game-playtime clause that she snuck into her contract when I wasn't looking, so she'll still get the chapter off. Sorry. Definitely no Kaoru, he's turning the spotlight over to those other wacky pilots for now. There might still be some Gendo and/or Ritsuko filler, or something. We'll see what my fingers come up with. So until next time, adios!