Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy ❯ The Waltz of Recovery ( Chapter 9 )

Evangelion: Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy

Author's Note: Some review replies… most are pretty civil this time. Yay! Usiel: I like short chapters. My chapters usually run between 3000-6000 words. It's just my style, I like it that way. I'd rather post a short chapter 2-3 times a week than posting a long chapter every 3 weeks to a month. Perhaps I've read too many short stories and comic books, but in longer chapters the main idea just seems to get lost to me. I also start to lost cohesion if I write really long chapters. So, sorry. And yes, I'm the creator of Chloe… if in fact she ever gets "created".

Steve Vader: Schön, mein erster deutscher Review. Danke für das Lob. Ich bin in Europa mehr nicht, aber ich werde geschmeichelt. Danke. Ich hoffe Sie fortfahre, die Story zu lesen und zu genießen!

Oh and the chapter refers to what is known as the waltz of psychotherapy, which is accomplishment, consequence, then adjustment. Basically, a repressed memory is uncovered, or an admission made to the therapist and oneself. This leads to the proverbial can of worms being opened. In the case of a psychotic patient, this often results in a psychotic episode. In a neurotic patient it could lead to mania, depression, and/or erratic behavior like anger or grief. Then, either through treatment or a through contemplation or outside influence, the patient will accept the accomplishment and move on, though not necessarily completely. I guess that's everything. Hope this chapter is enjoyable.

Required Disclaimer: No own. No money. No conscience. And no jelly donuts! Enjoy and ponder on the glory of GAINAX!

Chapter 9: The Waltz of Recovery

Dr. Kagame stroked his chin thoughtfully as he regarded the red-haired German girl across from him. "Asuka-san, you were going to talk about your mother next, ne?"

The second child frowned and tilted her chair back, resting her feet up on the doctor's desk which earned a only barely hidden scowl from the psychotherapist. "Meine Mutter? Nein, dieses Versprechen gab ich nicht. Ich will nicht über sie sprechen. [My mother? No, I did not make that promise. I will not speak of her.]"

The doctor sighed and rubbed his eyes, feeling the weariness already beginning. "You also promised to speak in Japanese during our therapy sessions. Have you become a liar?"

Asuka smiled and shook her head slowly. "Nein, Herr Doktor Kagame. Hmph… sorry. Habit. Let's talk about something else."

"Are you taking the drugs I prescribed you?" He asked, glancing down at his notes.

"Must I injest that Scheiße? It makes me light headed." Unit 02's pilot complained.

Dr. Kagame frowned. "It's only been one day, Asuka-san. Give it time. And yes, you must take them if you wish to remain a pilot. But please report any changes in your side-effects. Mild dizziness is to be expected until you adjust to it, but report any other symptoms, ok?"

"Naturally. Can we please talk about something more interesting?" The girl asked.

The doctor nodded. "Of course. What would you like to tell me about?"

Asuka sighed and dropped the chair back to the floor and leaned forward so her chin was resting on her arms, which in turn were on the doctor's desk. "I haven't seen Kaji in a while. Wouldn't you know that the time when I need him the most, he is no where to be found?"

Dr. Kagame looked back over his notes. "Kaji is your… uncle? No… friend? Hmm… you mentioned him a few times in our last meeting."

"He's my lover." The pilot corrected. <Ok, so we haven't actually done anything, but he was coming around. No one can resist my charms forever. I know he wants me, he's just uncomfortable because I'm younger than him…>

The doctor paused for a moment then jotted that down, trying not to judge. "And how do you feel about that?"

"Nani?" The girl gave him a quizzical expression, unsure of what he was asking about.

"Having an older lover. Perhaps even one that is no longer around?" He elaborated.

Asuka tried to spin in the chair and frowned when it didn't move. <Damn stationary chair. Perhaps I should lie on the couch? Isn't that what people are supposed to do?> "It's not entirely ideal. He's very uncomfortable with me being younger. I practically have to molest him just to get a kiss, then he usually pretends I didn't even touch him. He rarely even notices my body. Can you believe that? A nubile, sexy body like mine, and he can ignore it? I considered that he might be homosexual, but I know that all of his prior lovers were women. So, I'm not sure what it is."

Dr. Kagame scratched his head. "So, you haven't been with him? I mean, you two haven't made love?"

Her eyes flashed in anger and indignation. "I'm a virgin! What kind of girl do you take me for? Bakayaru!"

The doctor frowned and jotted some notes down. "No need to get hostile. I don't know enough about you yet to know how sexually active you are. What of your relationship with Pilot Ikari? You mentioned him quite a few times in our first session. You seem a bit… fixated on him."

"That baka?!" Asuka cried. "Hmph. He wouldn't know a girl if she shoved her…" She paused. "We are comrades and room mates. Nothing more."

"It sounds like you want to be more." He suggested.

The pilot laughed bitterly for a few moments then shook her head. "Kagame-dono, you are wrong on this one. He is convenient sometimes because we share an apartment with Misato-san, but he is nothing but a play toy. A barely amusing one, at that."

The psychoanalyst frowned in thought and then regarded the girl for a long moment. "Talk to me a bit about Katsuragi-shousa. Is she a mother figure?"

"Iie. She is like a big sister." The pilot replied, pulling one of the doctor's pencils out of a holder and starting to play with it.

"Do you have a maternal influence in your life, then?" Dr. Kagame asked. Asuka ignored the question and continued to play with the pencil. "Asuka?" He reached over and took the pencil from her, a calculated risk at this point in their relationship.

The second child sighed and stood up and began to pace then finally settled down on the couch, forcing the doctor to get up and switch to the chair next to the couch as the desk was too far away to watch her body language. "I don't have a father figure in my life. In fact, my real father was never around when I was a child either."

"I asked about your mother." The doctor reminded her.

Asuka was silent again. "So, is Ayanami one of your patients? That girl has issues. She like, rarely talks. And when she does, it's all like 'I will do what I am ordered to do. I am Wonder Girl! I will steal your boyfriend!' She really ticks me off."

Dr. Kagame made some more notes on the mother subject then made some about Rei and Shinji. "So, you do regard Shinji as your boyfriend. You said in our last session that Ayanami and Ikari had started a relationship after her Eva self-detonated."

The second child narrowed her eyes in confusion. "What? I said nothing of the sort! If you're going to twist my words, why don't you just say that I told you that I tried to kill myself, or that in a self-destructive moment I molested Shinji? As if he wouldn't enjoy it if I did. Why don't you just write that down, Herr Doktor?"

"Interesting examples you picked. Are they true?" He asked.

Asuka rolled over onto her side and propped her head on one arm. "So are you married, Kagame-dono?"

"No, I am not. Would you please answer my question, Asuka-san?" The doctor pressed.

Asuka twisted her hair around her finger and stared at the doctor for a few minutes before speaking. "You want to have sex with me, don't you?"

Dr. Kagame blinked in surprise. "Nani!?"

"I see it in your eyes. I don't blame you. I'm so young and beautiful, and without a wife to go home and fuck, you probably get pretty horny, ne? But, you will never have me. No one can ever have me. I'm not worthy." Asuka proclaimed proudly.

"Why are you not worthy?" The doctor asked.

"What?" Unit 02's pilot asked. "I said no one is worthy. I didn't say anything about myself."

"You said that you were not worthy." The therapist insisted.

Asuka's eyes narrowed in anger. "Japanese is not my native language. Niemand ist würdig genug um mich zu ficken! [Nobody is worthy enough to fuck me!] There, is that clear enough, du fischgesichtige Entschuldigung einer Verfehlung der Evolution!? [you fish-faced excuse of a mishap by evolution.]"

Dr. Kagame decided it was time to back off before he upset her any more. "Ok, ok, my apologies. A change of subject, then. Tell me, what is it like to pilot an Eva?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Asuka spat out in her most hostile tone, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Hai… I would. Would you like to tell me?" He asked.

The pilot contemplated that then shrugged. "It doesn't matter to me. It… completes me, at the same time as it tears me into little pieces. It forces me to look into myself while at the same time I am going beyond myself. I am happy, but I am scared. There is no way I can describe how it feels in words. Words are insufficient. Weak. Meaningless." Asuka became quiet and looked at the doctor for several long moments then she glanced up. "Time's up. Auf Wiedersehen, Herr Doktor Kagame!"

The doctor glanced up and scowled, seeing the hour was up already. "Hai. Matta ne, Asuka-san. Call me if you need me for any reason."

Asuka raised an eyebrow then shrugged and strolled out, humming a tune. Dr. Kagame wasn't sure if the girl was feeling better or not, but he was hopeful that with treatment she would begin to deal with her troubled past and have a better life.

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Misato looked over at the third child and raised her eyebrow inquisitively. "Shinji-kun? Are you planning on going inside any time this week?" The pilot seemed to grow smaller in the car seat and wrapped his arms protectively around his midsection. He found himself wishing that his SDAT was handy. "Shinji-kun?" She watched him for several long moments then sighed in exasperation. "Oh come on, Shinji! What is your problem?"

Unit 01's pilot blinked and finally turned to regard the major. "Nothing. I… I'm ready when you are." <I mustn't run away… I mustn't run away… why can't I run away!?>

"Come on then." The major got out of the car and started walking towards her apartment. She heard the other car door close moments before she reached the door into her home. Misato strolled into the apartment and immediately went to the refrigerator and reached in and grabbed a six pack of beer, earning a grumble from Pen-Pen who was roused from sleep by the noise. "Suma. [informal apology]" She closed the refrigerator door again and plopped down on the couch and immediately downed the first beer. "Aaaaahhhh!"

"Is… is there anything I can get you, or do for you, Misato-san?" Shinji asked nervously, glancing towards Asuka's door.

The major scratched her head. "Nope, don't think so. Aw… do you wanna cuddle, Shinji-kun?" She flashed him a flirtatious grin and wiggled in a suggestive manner.

Shinji blushed and started heading towards his room. "I was just being polite, Misato-san."

She glanced at Shinji and saw his destination and suddenly realized something. <Oh shit, his room!> "Shinji! Um… perhaps you wouldn't mind cooking me up some noodles?"

The third child froze and turned towards the kitchen, disappointed that his escape had been interrupted. "Hai, Misato-san." Silently he boiled water and poured in some noodles and added some flavoring. "Would you like any meat or vegetables with them?"

"Uh… yeah sure. Vegetables sound great. Perhaps some rice, too." The major grinned at her genius of delaying the pilot from seeing his room. She wasn't quite sure what the point of delaying the inevitable was, but it was better than nothing.

"Your food is ready." Shinji stated, laying some bowls down on the table in front of the major. <How does she keep from dehydrating from that much alcohol consumption? She's already on her third beer!>

"Arigato, Shinji-kun! Would you like to join me?" Misato offered, seeing there was plenty for the both of them, and likely Asuka as well when she got home from her therapy appointment.

"No thank you, I'm going to my room." Shinji replied, walking towards his destination.

<Damn!> "Uh… you should eat, Shinji-kun! Please, join me." The major bit her lip and wondered if he would take the bait.

"I'm not hungry." Was his reply.

The front door opened just as he was about to enter his room. "Tadaima! [I'm home!]" Asuka's voice filled the apartment.

Misato frowned when she saw Shinji stiffen. <What's his problem?> "Okaeri nasai! [Welcome home!]" The major called.

The second child strolled in casually and froze when she saw Shinji. Confusion, anger, and even a little hope played across her features. "What are you doing here, baka? Shouldn't you be playing with your doll?" Shinji stared at his feet. "Answer me." The girl said with more force, advancing towards the other pilot.

"She no longer needs my care so she asked me to return home." His meek answer floated up.

A grin came across the second child's face. "So, you couldn't stay away, ne?" <The doll rejected him? Why?>

"I will be in my room if I am needed." Shinji stated in his most polite tone and began to enter his room.

"Wait!" Asuka and Misato called at the same time.

The third child stared at his room in shock, his mouth hanging open. He stayed like that for over a minute, and the two women remained silent in guilt and sympathy. Finally a high pitched sound came from the boy's throat, sounding like a mix of the squeal of a dying pig and a strangled baby crying. "E…everything… what happened!?"

"I was… upset." Asuka explained weakly. <I barely even remember doing it. It was me, wasn't it?>

Shinji rushed into the room and sifted through the debris. "You destroyed everything I own!" He spat out, turning an enraged gaze upon the girl.

"Shinji-kun, perhaps I can help you replace…" Misato started, hoping to defuse the situation before lives were lost.

"Ich entschuldige mich. [I apologize.]" Asuka said in her most humble tone, which for her sounded more like she was bored.

The third child stared at the girl in shock. <I didn't even know she was capable of uttering those words.> "Are you?" He couldn't quite comprehend it.

Anger flashed in her eyes. "Baka! Don't make me repeat it." The second child growled out.

Shinji nodded and silently got on his knees and began to clean the mess, figuring that it would be the best he'd get out of the girl. He felt a tingle in the back of his neck so he turned to look behind him and his mouth dropped open in shock again when he saw Asuka kneeling down as well, helping to clean the mess. <Am I dreaming?>

The girl felt his eyes on her so she looked up and saw the surprise on his face. She stood up and threw the shattered tape she was holding to the ground. "I was only trying to help, baka!" She was about to turn and leave when Shinji stood up. "What? Say it. Finally find your balls and just say it!" She fully expected him to attack her. It was what she wanted, for some strange reason. She wanted to see Shinji when he wasn't hiding behind his meek and scared persona. She wanted to see the rage that made him pilot the Eva better than her. She wanted… absolution, under his fists.

Shinji advanced towards her and suddenly wrapped his arms around her waist and held her close. "I forgive you."

Asuka stiffened in the boy's embrace but gradually relaxed. She even went so far as to bring her arms up around the back of his neck. <I feel… safe.> Unbidden, tears flowed from her eyes.

"It's ok… let it out." Shinji whispered. <I can't believe I'm consoling her after what she did. But maybe I… understand.>

When she realized she was crying, Unit 02's pilot reacted the only way she knew how to. In anger. "Hentai!" She cried, shoving the boy away. She turned her back to him to hide her tears with her hair, pausing for a moment to see his reaction. <Aren't you going to be angry?>

His arms went around her waist again as he held her from behind. "I won't abandon you, Asuka-san. I'm here for you."

"Let me go." She whispered.

"Iie." Was the third child's response.

"Go back to your doll. I don't want you." She said more firmly, struggling against his embrace.

"You are not a doll, Asuka." Shinji whispered into her ear.

It was the wrong thing to say. She whirled around and slapped him so hard he crashed into the wall and fell over. "Blödes Arschloch! [Stupid asshole!] Don't ever call me that again! Why don't you go fuck Wonder Girl and get it over with!? You two are so obviously made for each other! I don't want you, damn it! Keep your dirty hands off of me!" She advanced towards him, intent on kicking him in the ribs, but instead of cringing and readying himself for her blow like he normally did, he just gave her a sad disappointed look. <What the hell is wrong with him? He's looking at me differently. He's… pitying me.> "Save your pity for someone that needs it, baka!" She stormed out of his room and into her own, slamming the door shut and collapsing on her bed to sob. She was caught between the conflicting desires to curl up and die and to beat the third child to within an inch of his life, so she just remained where she was, feeling empty and alone.

"I'm going out." Shinji announced, resentment in his tone.

"Shinji-kun, I really think you should…" Misato sighed as the boy walked out and wondered if the two pilots were self-destructing.

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Rei was sitting on her bed staring at the wall. In her un-bandaged hand she was holding Commander Ikari's glasses and her thumb was sliding over the cracks in the lenses. She had been sitting this way since returning from NERV headquarters and she was in no hurry to move any time soon. A while later, there was a soft knock at the door. The first child looked up, only mildly surprised. "Who is it, please?" <It could only be either Shinji-kun or Akaji-dono. And the likelihood of it being the doctor is minute.>

"It's me. Ikari." Came the nervous voice.

Though she knew it had been him, she still sighed. "What is your purpose for being here?" It was a loaded question, of course.

"May I enter, Rei-kun? I am talking to a door." The third child's voice floated in, slightly muffled by said door.

Rei looked down at her hands and set the commander's glasses back in its normal place and settled back against her pillow. "Enter if you wish."

The door opened and Ikari entered, smiling at the blue-haired girl. "Arigato, Rei-kun. Have you eaten? I can cook for you."

Rei stared at him. <Have I eaten today? I don't remember.>

The third child scratched the back of his head nervously and walked into the kitchen. "Well, I'll cook and if you're hungry you can eat. If not, save it for later. How are you feeling? Any better since this morning?"

"I am well." Was the girl's reply.

Shinji leaned back to look at her as he prepared a meal for her, but went back to what he was doing when he realized she was not going to elaborate. He finished cooking in silence, lost in his own thoughts. "It's ready. Would you like to eat now?"

"………. Aa." Rei stood and walked into the kitchen and sat down.

Shinji set the food down and sat across from her. "I was wondering, are you sure you don't want me here? I can keep cooking for you and clean your apartment. I will respect your space."

"Do you not wish to return home to Katsuragi-shousa's, Shinji-kun?" Rei asked, evading the question.

The third child looked down, avoiding her intense gaze. "Iie." Silence reigned in the kitchen for several minutes before Shinji decided to elaborate. "Asuka… things are not good between us. She destroyed my possessions. She attacks me for little to no reason. I just can't live with her anymore. I tried to be nice and all I got for my trouble was a black eye."

Rei glanced up and noticed the black eye and the welt on his cheek. <He was struck with a lot of force. Perhaps he should see a medic.>

Shinji sighed and laid his chopsticks down. "Perhaps if it is improper for me to share this apartment then I can live in the one across from you? These are all abandoned, ne? That way it would be easy to cook your meals and clean your apartment, and we can keep an eye on each other. And I won't have to live with that red-haired demon woman anymore."

Rei blinked in surprise. "I can not stop you if you move into the room across from this one. I do not own it."

The boy tapped the table and frowned. "But would it bother you?"

"………………… ."

"I will stay at Misato-san's then." Shinji stared at the food, feeling his appetite dissipate.

"Perhaps… in the future. Now is not a good time." Rei finally said after several minutes of silence.

Hope lit up the third child's eyes. "Domo arigato, Rei-kun."

"………………" The blue-haired girl finished her meal and sipped at some water, looking over to the window.

"What happened to your hand, Rei-kun?" The third child inquired.

The first child looked down at her bandaged hand. "I do not remember."

"………… Would you like me to take a look at it?" Shinji leaned over and looked at the bandages, noticing a blood spot on the top.

"……………" The ex-pilot took another sip of water.

<She didn't say no.> The boy reasoned, reaching over and gently unwrapping the bandages around the girl's hand. He looked up and noticed she was watching her hand as if she were unsure of what he would find. Encouraged, he continued unwrapping the bandages until they fell limply away. "Oh Kami-sama… that's a deep cut." He blinked in surprise when he felt blood on her palm. <It couldn't be…> He turned her hand over and gasped when he saw another cut on that side. "It goes clean through!? Rei-kun, you have to see a medic! This could become infected… and it might require surgery!"

"I was not ordered to the infirmary. I will be fine." Was Rei's response.

Shinji sighed and got up and retrieved the medical supplies he had purchased to apply fresh dressings to her wounds. He applied antiseptic and wrapped fresh bandages on her hand as calmly as he could then leaned over to stroke his fingers against her cheek gently. "You should take better care of yourself, Rei-kun."

"………………… …" A slow blush crept across her cheeks.

"Please?" Ikari pleaded. "Were you ordered not to see a physician?"

"……………….. Iie." Rei looked down at the freshly bandaged hand.

Shinji smiled. "Then there is no reason not to go, ne?"

Ayanami nodded once.

"It's settled then. Let's go." The third child stood and looked at the girl expectantly.

"……….. Hai." She followed him silently. <I am accustomed to following orders.> On the walk to the hospital, Rei's mind wandered back to when she had her 'confrontation' with Commander Ikari.

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Commander Ikari squeezed the trigger, but nothing happened. <The safety is on…> He flipped it off and leveled the gun at the girl again. <She's still staring at me… those eyes…> He squeezed the trigger again, and a barely audible click was heard. <Empty. I… did I purposely take out the gun that I knew was unloaded?> His hand dropped to his side and the gun clattered to the floor.

"Commander?" Rei was tentative, unsure if she was still about to be replaced or not.

"Will your relationship with Pilot Ikari affect your work here?" Gendo asked finally after dragging his eyes up from the floor to meet her gaze.

"No sir. I do not believe so." The first child was confused. <Why is he going to let me live? He could have just put a round into the gun and tried again.>

"See that it doesn't. You are dismissed."

"………………… ……………… Hai." Rei left, even more confused about her life then before she had come to the commander's office. And she did not like being confused.

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"How long ago did this happen?" The trauma surgeon asked, looked at the first child's hand critically.

"I do not remember." Rei replied.

"Looks about… a week old perhaps. Was this not operated on?" Dr. Matsuo frowned at the hand, realizing there was no evidence of surgical scars. She looked up at the first child curiously.

"Iie." The blue haired girl replied.

"Have you been undergoing occupational therapy at least?" <It looks like it needed surgery…>

"……………. Iie." The first child seemed bored.

"Move your fingers for me? This one… this one… this one… no this one. You can't move it? The last one? Not that one either… that's to be expected. You need surgery. Hold on." She looked up at the surgical schedule. "An operating room will be available in two hours. I'll go sign you up. I'll send a nurse to get your pre-op taken care of. You do want the surgery, ne?" The doctor paused when the girl remained silent.

The boy that had come in with her nudged her. "Rei-kun? Get the surgery, please. Doctor, will she regain full use of her hand?"

Yoriko looked at the hand again. "Since she waited this long to come in, my best guess is no. However, if she works hard at therapy, she should regain at least 80% of her mobility. Probably about the same amount of tactile strength. My guess is that she won't be able to move her pinky finger by itself anymore. It shouldn't be too bad. I have faith that I'll be able to fix most of the damage."

Rei remained silent.

"Rei-kun?" Shinji sighed. "I'll sign for her surgery. She's in shock." <Ok, so she's always like that… but it's for the best.>

"Are you family?" The doctor asked.

"………………… . Hai. Kind of. My father has legal guardianship of her, so in a way I am her brother." <Whoa… how weird does that sound?> The third child thought.

"Ayanami-san? Is it all right if Ikari-san signs for you?" The doctor asked.

Rei looked up at her then over at Shinji. "Nani?"

"For the surgery on your hand." Unit 01's pilot explained.

"Surgery?" <When did they talk about surgery?> The first child wondered.

"Get the surgery." Shinji said in a low but commanding tone. <Please don't hit me…>

Rei blinked then nodded once. "Hai."

"I'll send the pre-op nurse. Relax. It'll all be over before you know it." The doctor stated, patting the girl on the shoulder in an effort to reassure her.

Shinji sat down next to the first child and tenderly stroked her hair over her ear. "It'll be ok, Rei-kun."

"……………….. Hai." The first child stared off into space. <Why am I having surgery? Oh… my hand. Even if my S2 organ repairs the damage, I'll still have trouble moving it. I suppose surgery is necessary.>

The rest of the time was spent in silence, save for when the pre-op nurse was there. Soon enough, it was time for Rei to be taken to surgery. "I'll be there when you wake up. See you soon." Ikari stated in his most positive tone, though he was nervous and barely hiding it. Rei remained silent and just stared up at the ceiling as she was wheeled away on the gurney. Shinji sighed and walked over to one of the phones and swiped his NERV card through it. Moments later, a voice asked him how he wished to be directed. "Commander Ikari, please. This is Pilot Ikari." He waited for about five minutes before he was connected to Gendo. "Hello father."

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That's all for now. Teehee. Hope you all are still enjoying the story. Next chapter: Shinji faces Asuka again, as well as his father. Kaoru has respectfully requested to be in the chapter as well, so I will be sure to include him so doesn't start complaining to much. Last time I left him alone he started flirting with Maya. Can't have that, now can we? Haha. Matta ne!