Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy ❯ The Dark Night of the Soul ( Chapter 8 )

Evangelion: Only In Your Eyes Am I Worthy

Author's Note: As usual, some responses to reviews. First, to Evil Flamer: I don't know what this ACC you're talking about is. I read back over the chapter twice and I still see nothing that could be called ACC. So, if you actually want a response to that you'll need to write it out, please. And as far as honorifics, I have verified this with friends who are native Japanese speakers. It is a trend in anime to only use -kun with young males but it is not the rule. It's an attempt to, to coin a phrase, "cuteify/kawaiify" anime characters by calling all the girls -chan and all the boys -kun, whereas in Japan you would not do this and would be quite offensive if you did. Now, to Mr/Mrs. Unsigned and Unnamed reviewer: No, I am not Japanese. My ancestry is Welsh and Irish and a bit of French. Take a look at my profile, my pic is in there and I don't look the least bit Japanese. However, I'm very much a child of the world. As I grew up my family moved around a LOT. I've lived in the US, Mexico, Canada, Brazil, Kenya, the UK, France, Germany, Spain, Italy, briefly in Romania and Hungary, Australia, New Zealand, briefly in Russia, and in Japan for approximately a year. Of all those, I speak English most fluently, a good bit of German, and a decent amount of Japanese, which I'm currently relearning. Anyway, this fic is primarily in English language with enough of German thrown in my Asuka (since she IS German) to make her distinctive, and Japanese, like in many anime fics, is used enough so that 1) You don't forget that the characters are speaking Japanese and more importantly 2) When the Japanese word just fits better and is more descriptive than the English can be. For example, ending a sentence in ne? is quite common, it's like saying "Right?" There is also "na?" which is a stronger more masculine form of ne which you wouldn't notice if it was translated into English because in both circumstances the sentence would end in "Right?" but there is a unique feel to a character that uses the stronger more masculine tone. It's more commanding, macho, etc. There are many more times this happens of course, and if you really don't know what a word means and don't want to take the time to look it up, feel free to email me and I'll tell you what it means. If it's a common one like: Nani? So ka? Ne? Baka! Hai! and Iie!, then I don't bother putting a translation, but I usually try to when it's a less common word or phrase such as: Matta ne! (See you later!), gaki (brat), and aihito (love-person/lover). A quick overview of honorifics (since you asked) and a few other important words. The difference between aa and hai is important, for example. Aa means yes and hai is more closely translated as "I agree (with that)". If you are ordered to do something, you reply with hai, like "I will comply with that" and often when asked a question you answer hai to say "I agree with that assessment" but in some cases a basic and simple yes is needed and hai won't do, so aa is used. In English, the only real way to distinguish the two is to turn hai into "I will comply" or "Roger that (though there is another Japanese phrase, ryoukai, that is actually roger [that]).

Honorifics:

-sama=lord, royalty, noble. Also sometimes used by a wife to refer to her husband or someone who is either being very apologetic (such as saying "This wretch is shamed and humbled and begs your forgiveness, Ikari-sama!" if you really screwed up and Gendo was about to have you killed, for example and you were trying to save your own ass) or submissive (submissive more as in the… kinky connotation hehe).

-dono=person of title and respect. Doctors, PhDs, possibly lawyers and other high level of education types. It's similar to using Dr. in front of someone's name in English. So Dr. Akagi would be referred to as Akagi-dono.

-san=equivalent to Mr. or Ms./Mrs., it's the general term used to refer to someone who is your equal or slightly above you in station but who does not qualify for the above two honorifics. This term is usually used by people who don't know each other well or have a professional relationship. If you are friends, you do not use -san, as it's equivalent to calling your friend Mr. Adams instead of Tom or Tommy or whatever.

-kun=person of lower station or of friendly relationship, often implies masculinity, but it doesn't mean the person you're referring to is male. Like many romantic languages that have genders for words, this would apply here too. It implies friendship, or that the person you're talking to is of a lesser station than yourself. This is why adults use this term a lot for younger people, as they are older and thus of a higher station. Your boss could call you -kun and get away with it, while the asshole co-worker who just likes being a jerk would be insulting you if he called you this. -kun is often attached to the names of teenage boys, but as I stated before the term can be used for either gender and is also used between friends.

-chan=person who is either very young and lower in station than yourself, or between very close friends (VERY close friends… as in romantic feelings) and is also sometimes used between female friends whether the feelings are romantic or not. A little girl would be called -chan, your girlfriend would be called -chan, and your female friend would be called -chan if you were female as well. If you, however, called a female -chan and you were just a male friend and not a boyfriend, you're likely going to be in trouble unless you were teasing. Especially if she has a boyfriend…

Other honorifics would be titles. -sensei attached to someone's name means they are a teacher of some sort. Either a school teacher, a martial arts instructor, or basically anyone who teaches another. -sempai means literally senior, and is often used by a younger person who greatly admires an older person and wants to be like them. Maya Ibuki refers to Dr. Akagi as sempai or Akagi-sempai often, and it shows how much Maya respects the doctor and wants to be more like her and learn from her. This relationship is often more like a sibling relationship than a romantic relationship, though it is not unheard of for one of the people, more often the younger, to develop a crush on the other. It should also be noted that in Japan it is not uncommon for someone to so greatly admire another and to have a close enough relationship with them to refer to them as "Big brother/sister" even though they are not related. A common example of this is from Robotech, where Rick Hunter called Roy Fokker "Big Brother" even though they were not related. Most other titles you'll see in this fic are military suffixes. In Japan, you wouldn't say Shousa (major) Katsuragi, you would say Katsuragi-shousa. Just like if you were a teacher you wouldn't say Sensei Ido, you'd say Ido-sensei. Anyway… gosh this was long. Haha. I hope this clears things up and if there's any more confusion or if I use a word you don't know and don't include a translation, feel free to email me. And this fic doesn't belong in the Japanese language section because it's not in Japanese. If you'll have a look there, there is currently only one Japanese Eva fic, and it's in Japanese writing (Kanji and kana), not in Romanji (Japanese words written in phoenetic English letters). Anyway… blah blah on with the fic before you all fall asleep.

Required Disclaimer: No own. No money. No conscience. And no jelly donuts! Enjoy and ponder on the glory of GAINAX!

Chapter 8: The Dark Night of the Soul

Shinji walked out onto the Eva gantry and frowned when he saw the entry plug for Unit 02 opened, but Unit 01's was closed. "Katsuragi-shousa?" Shinji called, stepping back and looking up at the control room. "Was I not supposed to go first with the synchronization testing?"

"Hai. Pilot Ikari, you are to test with Unit 02 today. We are doing cross testing again. Given Unit 01's uncontrollable status and Unit 00's destruction, we have to see how all the pilots will sync with Unit 02. Now, please get into the entry plug and ready yourself for sync testing." The major replied into the microphone. From that distance, she couldn't see how pale the first child's face had become.

Shinji's shoulders slumped and he shuffled towards Unit 02's entry plug as if he were walking to his own death. "Ryoukai [Roger that], Katsuragi-shousa." He slid into the LCL and immediately shivered, feeling the slimy liquid surrounding him. And worse, he could feel Asuka's very essence surrounding him. He leaned forward and crossed his arms over his chest and waited as he was lowered into Unit 02. "I mustn't run away… I mustn't run away…" He muttered, though he wasn't quite convincing himself.

"What's that, Shinji-kun?" Maya asked, turning the volume up on the comm. system.

Shinji blushed as he remembered his dream from the night before, though that quickly reminded him that Rei had kicked him out of her apartment upon awakening. After he finished with the sync testing he would have to head back to the major's apartment, as Rei no longer needed nor wanted his presence. "Nothing, Ibuki-chuui. [AN: It's strange… the websites I've looked at have always referred to Maya as being a 2nd Lt. and then they also say that Shigeru and Makoto are 2nd Lieutenants as well, but then they state that Maya is of a higher rank than the other two. The only thing I can figure is that either she is of a higher class (meaning she's been a 2nd Lt. longer) than the other two, or she is actually a 1st Lt. which would make a bit of sense since she is Ritsuko's assistant… so I just changed it to 1st Lt.] It just feels… strange to be in here."

"Oh, don't worry about it, cutie." Maya said softly into the microphone, smiling for a moment before glancing at the others hoping they wouldn't notice her brief lack of professionalism. It had been worth it though, because Shinji's face turned beet red.

"Ikuki-chan, don't tease the pilot." Dr. Akagi deadpanned, and smiled for the briefest of moments when the cute lieutenant turned to give the doctor an apologetic smile, letting her know she had been amused by it as well.

"Hai, Akagi-senpai. Gomen… sync ratio at……….. 23%? And slowly dropping." Maya reported, frowning at the results.

"23%?! He can't even get the Eva moving at that rate. Shinji-kun! Concentrate! It can't be that much harder to sync with Unit 02 than 01. It's all in your head. Pretend you're in Unit 01." Misato suggested, leaning over the console and looking between the observation window and the monitor showing the inside of the entry plug.

"H… hai, Katsuragi-shousa." Shinji whispered. He took deep breaths, trying not to think about how Asuka's essence was floating in the LCL and that he was inhaling it along with the blood-like liquid. He felt cold and scared, and when he tried to open his mind to Unit 02, he felt the unfamiliar and clammy presence of that Eva. Though he had been inside this unit once before, it wasn't the same as now. He had only tried to keep his thoughts from causing a feedback for Asuka then, now he was trying to become as close to being one as he could with the disturbed pilot's Eva. And it wasn't working very well. He gritted his teeth together when he heard Misato yelling at him again and forced his mind to open, realizing that they weren't going to give up until he was either exhausted or at a decent sync ratio.

"Sync rate rising. 28%... 34%...... 58%! 73%... Oh my, it's still going up. Major, he's approaching Ego border! 96%... still rising!" Maya yelled.

Shinji was shivering, but he couldn't stop it now. He had opened his mind and the presence of the Eva's soul was pushing against his mind. It felt a bit like Asuka, but different. "Oh god…" Shinji grabbed at his head, nearly ripping off the neural interfaces, and screamed in horror.

"Eject entry plug!" Misato and Ritsuko both ordered at the same time.

"Signal rejected!" Shigeru reported.

"It's not working!" Maya cried, frantically hitting keys as she started panicking. "Ego border crossed! 110%... 115! The Eva is taking over!"

"ASUKA YOU FUCKING BITCH!" Shinji suddenly screamed from Unit 02, shocking the control crew.

"What's he doing!?" Misato queried, looking over at Makoto.

"Blue light detected! No… it vanished. What the hell?" Shigeru scratched his head.

"Shinji-kun!" Misato yelled into the microphone, seeing Shinji's body becoming transparent for a few moments. <Not again… please not again!> "Is the Eva showing any sign of activating? Is it berserking?"

"Negative. Eva is still inactive." Dr. Akagi reported. She frowned at the results. "The MAGI say that Shinji is under psychic assault by Unit 02. It's… it's trying to dominate him."

Shinji started crying, and slumped down and remained immobile. In his mind's eye he saw images of a doll hanging and then a woman next to it. She stared at him with her cold dead eyes and he felt chilled to the core as he saw the resemblance between Asuka and the woman. "Is that… Asuka's mother?"

"Why are you here? You are not She. Where is my precious little doll?" A voice sounded in his head.

"Nani!? Your… doll?" Shinji looked ahead, now in a mental plane that was only reachable in dreams and through the Eva.

"WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HER!? You are the one that occupies her thoughts. The one who she wants to possess. Why do you spurn my daughter? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HER!?" The lips of the dead hanging woman were moving.

Shinji stared in horror, unconsciously pulling his mind out of contact with the Eva's soul. "Sync rate dropping from 280%... 240… 220… 190…" Maya reported, calming down as the danger was passing… she hoped.

Shinji froze as a red-headed little girl was before him, running towards him with a look of pure joy on her face. "Mommy! They accepted me mommy! I'm going to pilot Eva! Mommy!"

"A…. Asuka?! She's… happy? She's… really happy." Shinji shivered as he realized how strange that was. He paled as the girl ran into the room where the woman was hanging. "Oh shit!" He cried, vomiting into the LCL. He tried not to think about how it was now floating around him in the liquid. He felt a sharp pain shoot through his head and he slumped down unconscious.

"Sync down to 0%, ejection signal accepted!" Lt. Ibuki called, standing up to watch as the plug was ejected.

"Oh thank the gods." Misato sighed and leaned forward onto her hands.

"I would call this experiment a failure, Katsuragi." Commander Ikari's voice came from the comm. system, obviously from his observation deck.

"Hai, commander. Should we try with Rei?" Misato asked in her most respectful tone.

"Negative. Pilot Ayanami has not been cleared for duty. I would suggest you keep Soryu away from Unit 01 as well, until her psychological state has become more… stable." The commander stated.

"Copy that. Sir? What of Shinji-kun?" She asked, though she had a good feeling what his response would be.

"…….. Send him home. Or to the infirmary if he is injured. He will remain on call with Unit 01." Gendo replied, then cut the communication off.

Misato frowned and looked down at the Eva gantry, glad to see that Shinji seemed healthy, though groggy. "He said he's coming home with me today. He won't be too happy when he sees his room…"

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Gendo turned to look at Rei, who was standing before him, still in a few bandages but looking a lot better than just after her Eva had self-detonated. "I trust you have no problems with that, Ayanami?"

Rei's eyes narrowed slightly for a moment, though whether in confusion or anger the commander couldn't tell. "I trust all of your commands, sir."

<You're far from unreadable to me, Rei. I'm not sure I like this situation. Your emotions are developing at a rate I do not care for.> "Your report then, Rei." Gendo crossed his fingers in front of his face and gaze the girl his most penetrating stare.

"I have recovered sufficiently to care for myself. I have asked Shinji-kun to return to the major's home." Rei replied.

"Why?" Gendo inquired.

"I thought it might be inappropriate for us to continue to share living space when I no longer needed his care." The first child stated, though she hardly sounded convincing.

"Is that the only reason?" The commander queried, leaning forward slightly. <Don't lie to me.>

"I… am not sure. I think that perhaps my feelings for Pilot Ikari have grown beyond pilot comradery." Rei reported, shuffling her foot a bit and reaching back to clasp her still injured arm with her good hand.

Gendo stared at the girl before him silently for several long moments before he finally spoke. "Explain."

The slight red tint that came to her cheeks was enough of a response for Commander Ikari, but Rei ventured forth as best an explanation as she could. "I am not sure. I do not understand the feelings I have. I… care for him. I worry for his safety more than most, perhaps more than anyone I know, save yourself of course." <I do not like voicing my feelings. Don't you know this, commander?>

"There is something you are hiding from me. I will not tolerate such behavior." The commander stated, a hard edge in his usually calm and collected voice.

Rei blinked several times and considered those words. <Am I hiding something? I do not understand. Oh… I see what he wants to know.> "When… before I self-detonated Unit 00, when the angel was merging with it and myself, I believe my soul wanted to be one with Shinji-kun's. I… cared more for his life than my own so I knew I had to do what I did to prevent our merging and ending his life." Rei looked down at her feet, not meeting the commander's eyes. She was uncomfortable with her feelings, and it was worsened by sharing them.

"Are you in love with my son?" Gendo asked, a touch of surprise coloring the tone of his question.

Rei chewed her lip nervously and swayed her hips forward and back slightly, rocking on her heels. <Is this love that I am feeling?> "I do not know, sir. Perhaps."

The commander was silent in thought for a while, long enough to fray the nerves raw of any normal person. The silence was even beginning to wear at the normally stoic first child as well but she did not show it. She raised her gaze to look the man in the eyes as she awaited his response. She knew he had one and that he was waiting for the right opportunity to share it. "If I command you to cease your fraternization with Pilot Ikari and maintain a strictly professional relationship with him and forget that you ever had feelings for him at all, would you do this?"

Rei was silent for longer than Gendo cared for, but she finally answered. "Hai. I will comply with my orders."

<Are you becoming more… defiant?> Commander Ikari frowned and reached into his desk and slid a case out. He opened it and drew out a thin object that resembled an ice pick but was sharper and made of a tougher metal alloy. It was used mostly in assassination and could puncture through a skull with sufficient force, especially if it was stabbed through the temple or the base of the neck. "Would you kill Pilot Ikari if I so commanded it?" He slid the case towards her, noting her reaction.

She was clearly distressed, her eyes widening in shock of the question. She shivered for a brief moment and her form tightened, as if she were recoiling from the offending assassination weapon. "Kill Shinji-kun!?" She blurted. She looked up into the commander's eyes and shivered again, seeing the deadly serious expression. <His own son… my Shinji-kun… but… I must comply with my orders, even if it kills my heart to do so. I must…> "H…. hai, Ikari-shousei. [There seem to be a lot of words that mean commander… this one seems the most appropriate] I will comply with my orders." <Please… please don't command me to kill Shinji-kun! I don't want to kill anyone, least of all him.>

Gendo nodded. Though he saw the hesitation and the worry in her eyes, he knew she spoke only the truth. Whether it ripped her heart out or not, she would follow orders. <One last test, then.> "I must know that my orders mean more to you than your own life, Rei. Stab this blade through your hand."

"Nani!? Hai, Ikari-shousei." Rei picked up the weapon with her good hand and looked at her other hand. <I can't aim well enough to only pierce skin… I either have to go through the muscle and lose hand strength or go through tendon and lose the ability to move two of my fingers… I can live with weakness.> "I will comply, sir." She brought the weapon down and grunted as it slid through flesh and scraped against bone." <HOLY MOTHER LILITH THAT HURTS!> Rei met the commander's gaze, unable to hide the pain she was in as her eyes watered. "Permission to visit the infirmary, sir?"

Gendo crossed his fingers in front of his face again and stared at the girl as she bled on his desk. "Denied for now. You have more questions to answer. Now, have you had sexual intercourse with my son?"

<How can you ask me something like that at a time like this!? My hand feels like it's on fire!> "No sir." She gasped out.

"Are you planning on having sexual intercourse with my son?" Was his next question.

"………………… ……….." Was her reply.

"Will you pursue sexual intercourse with my son?" He realized he had to word the question differently for he had left too many possibilities open.

"No sir." Was her reply. He could see the unasked question 'Can I go now and get my hand fixed before I pass out!?' in her eyes, but he ignored it.

"Come here. Sit on my lap." <She hasn't sat on my lap since… the first.>

"… Hai." Rei approached him and carefully sat in the man's lap, wincing as he wrapped his arms around her waist. <Ow… my ribs are still sore! And my hand is throbbing… and my arm aches as well.>

"Will you follow any order I give you, no matter how bizarre it may seem, or even if it is the last thing you would ever wish to do?" He asked. <The success of the Human Instrumentality hinges on how well you follow my orders. I must have 100% compliance. Anything less is unacceptable.>

Rei was silent once more. She winced as the man shifted suddenly and she could sense him reaching into his desk for something. She did not know what it was, but she didn't imagine it was for a lollypop. "I… honestly do not know, sir. I will follow any order you give me to the best of my ability, but I cannot guarantee that I would follow any order given. I am sorry to disappoint you." <Surely he understands.>

Gendo raised the pistol up until it was at the back of Rei's head. His finger twitched as it rested on the trigger of his prized Bren Ten, one of the few remaining of the coveted handguns in the world. In other circumstances he would have used a silenced Beretta 92, but the room they were in was sound-proofed and Rei was special to him and deserved to be ended by the gun that was most special to him. [AN: Twisted logic, ne?]

Rei could sense the gun behind her and realized that her response meant her death. She turned to look at the gun for a long moment then stared deeply into the commander's eyes, not looking away even for a moment. <Her eyes are so emotionless… no wait… is that… sorrow?> His hand began to twitch as his resolve weakened. <She smells so much like Yui…> His free hand rested on the girl's thigh as he fought the conflicting desires to end her life and wrap her in a comforting hug. <I can't think straight…> "Stand, Rei." He commanded gruffly.

"Hai, commander." She stood and took a few steps away from him, though her eyes never left his. She looked at him without a trace of fear, though regret was now more pronounced in her expression.

Gendo leveled the gun at her head again and stayed there, motionless. His eyes hardened as he stared at the girl he had raised as his own daughter for years, a girl who just months ago only cared about one person on the planet, himself. He had carefully manipulated her so that he was the only one she loved, but he hadn't counted on the emotions that his son instilled in women, especially his Rei. It was… unacceptable. "Do you understand why I must do this, Rei?"

"Aa, commander. I forgive you." She stated in a serene and loving tone.

Gendo stared at her silently for several minutes, his body only moving slightly with each breath. <Forgiveness? That was the last thing I expected.> Ikari Gendo took a long deep breath then squeezed the trigger.

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Ritsuko Akagi leaned forward and grinned as she shook her glass in a circular motion, making the ice clink against the glass. "You know what really burns me, Maya-chan? I know he's only using me for sex and for the obvious professional reasons. Yet still I cling to him. Can you explain that to me?" Her voice had the slightest slur to it as she had consumed a fair quantity of alcohol in the past hour.

Lt. Ibuki shrugged nervously. "I um… I think that you just need to feel… wanted. I don't know. Perhaps you should… end it. Seek a relationship with someone more… attuned to your needs?" The girl blushed slightly and looked down.

Dr. Akagi leaned forward and stared into the other girl's eyes for a long tense moment before she grinned. "I don't think there are too many eligible bachelor's left in the city after that little incident with Unit 00. Unless you had someone in mind?"

<Just say it.> "Perhaps." Was all Maya could manage.

Ritsuko smiled and stroked the other girl's hand tenderly. "Tell me… who is it? Is he cute? Is it someone you've dated? Is he good in bed?"

Maya blushed and shook her head nervously. "What? Iie, sempai. It's nothing like that. I…" <SAY IT!> "I don't know. I just don't think you should stay in a relationship that's as unhealthy as your current one. <Coward!>

The doctor shrugged. "Hai. I tell myself that I use him as much as he uses me… but I never quite convince myself. We'll see. I really don't want to be alone right now though. So, I guess unless you know someone that I might like, I'll just stay where I'm at for now. Even if he does say HER name sometimes."

Maya looked at her feet. <Say something, you coward!> "Perhaps a man isn't what you should seek out? A girl might suit you better, sempai."

Ritsuko chuckled, slightly surprised. "Oh? I don't think girls are into me. They never look at me in that way, if you know what I mean. Oh… I think I know what you're trying to say."

Maya looked up, shocked. "You… you do!?"

The doctor chuckled and nodded. "But Misato and I aren't like that. We're just good friends. Sure, she's beautiful, but we've always just been friends. I doubt either of us are seeking to make it more… unless you know something I don't?"

"Eh… iie, sempai. It… was just a suggestion." Lt. Ibuki sighed. <She didn't even consider me. I guess that is my answer.>

Ritsuko smiled. "It was a nice thought. Oh my… I'm so drunk right now. I should get home. I'll see you tomorrow at Asuka's sync test." The doctor leaned forward and gave the lieutenant a chaste kiss on the lips before she got up and left.

Maya sighed happily and leaned back in her seat. <I'm so pathetic… but that was so worth it. Wait… she just stuck me with the bill! ARGH!>

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Tralala… I wonder how many people are going to freak out more about the fact that Maya has a thing for Ritsuko (which I think was pretty obvious in the Eva movies…) but ignore the fact that Shinji is going home to find every last one of his possessions destroyed after being kicked out by Rei back to the home that houses the crazy girl that tried to rape him, and the fact that Gendo just pulled the trigger on Rei. ;) Oh and of course Evil Flamer person will review and tell me how awful my story is and that I'm the devil and tell me that my characterization of Gendo is all wrong and I'm an idiot, blah blah. Whatever. Anyway, those of you that enjoyed this chapter, I'm glad. Those that didn't? Oh well. Write your own. Hehe. Matta ne!