Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? - Nerima Style! ❯ Chapter 3

This story contains scenes of explicit sex, naughty words, and other horrible, offensive things.  If you are underage in your house, village, town, city, community, state, province, country, or continent: READ NO FURTHER!  If that type of thing offends your tender sensibilities, or you are stupid: READ NO FURTHER!  All characters are the copyright of their respective creators and/or owners; no copyright infringement is intended by this story.  Any resemblance to people, places, or situations alive, dead, or otherwise is purely coincidental.

 

GuessWho's Coming to Dinner: Nerima Styleï¼

 

Chapter 3

 

 

The Following Sunday, Shortly Before 11 am

 

“Ranma!”

 

Ranma Saotome nearly toppled to the ground from his position on top of a chain-link fence when he heard someone yelling his name. And considering that he was currently walking along said fence upside down on his hands; that would've been a pretty painful fall indeed. So the teenager was frowning slightly as he craned his head upward to see just who it was that had distracted him. Once he had stretched his neck far enough he was able to make out the slender, elegant figure of an attractive, auburn-haired woman dressed in a traditional dark blue kimono with a silk-wrapped object hanging from her back. Wincing slightly in anticipation of what was to come, Ranma flipped off the fence to land upright in front of the older woman. “Hi, Ma,” he greeted cautiously, still not entirely comfortable in her presence.

 

Nodoka Saotome regarded him silently for a few moments before suddenly tears popped into her eyes and she flung herself on her son. “Oh! My boy is so handsome and manly!!” She choked out between tears as the highly embarrassed Ranma tried his best to calm her down, patting her awkwardly on the back. “I'm so happy!”

 

“C'mon, Ma! People are starin'!”

 

“Oh, who cares about them?!” Ranma's mother said as she finally released her tight grip on him and began dabbing at her eyes with a convenient handkerchief. “And you should call me `Mother,' not `Ma.' It's more polite.”

 

“All right, Mother,” Ranma agreed a tad nervously as he saw the wrapped katana hanging over Nodoka shoulder. He still wasn't too sure she wasn't going to make him live up to his father's stupid promise to commit seppuku if he wasn't a man among men as defined by her standards. “If that's what you want.”

 

Nodoka, meanwhile, was peering intently at the state of his clothes. “Ranma!? Whatever have you been up to?!” This was said as she reached forward and began whisking away some of the dirt and dust that was scattered on his shirt, pointing out a few rips and tears at the same time. “Have you been out roughhousing again?!”

 

“Aw, Ma-Mother,” Ranma hastily corrected himself. “It wasn't nothin' serious. Just Ryouga and Mousse ganging up on me again.”

 

The young martial artist suddenly paused in thought, allowing his mother to ask, “So, you were able to defeat them both?” After Ranma's short nod of confirmation she again began crying, “Wai! I'm so proud of my manly son!” Then she frowned, “But really, Ranma. Your grammar is atrocious!” Ranma, not really sure what `atrocious' meant simply nodded his head in agreement as Nodoka continued. “Granted, I'm glad that Genma was able to install the masculine skills of martial arts in you. And that you have so many beautiful young girls begging to marry you,” She added with a special smile, imagining all the grandchildren she had coming while simultaneously ignoring her son's barely audible groan at that reminder of his numerous female problems. “Still, I do wish he had done a better job on your manners! Oh well, that's something we can work on together, right Ranma?”

 

“If you say so, Mom.”

 

Nodoka pursed her lips slightly at that, but decided not to make an issue of it. Instead she asked, “What seems to be the matter, Son? Aren't you happy you won?”

 

“'Course I'm happy, it's just that…Well, it seemed like Ryouga and Mousse weren't as strong as they normally are. I mean, I always beat `em,” Ranma tried to explain with that rather arrogant smugness that was one of his least attractive features. “But, I don't know, I guess they usually give me more of a run for my money. Seemed like they weren't really tryin' or somethin'.”

 

Nodoka tucked her arm under that of her teenage son's, holding him possessively as she recommended, “Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Dear. I tell you what; we have some time before noon, so let's stop at a café and have a little snack. It will give us a chance to talk.”

 

Ranma nodded his head, more enthusiastic with the first part of the deal then the second, but unable to think of a good way to escape. Thus, in no time at all he found himself sitting across from his mother at an outside table of a café, nervously drinking some coffee while they waited for their food orders and she smiled benignly upon him. The teenager began tapping his foot, never very comfortable in passive, sedentary situations and especially so when simultaneously facing any kind of emotional pressure.

 

“So, Ranma,” Nodoka finally broke the silence. “How are things going for you?”

 

“Ah, OK, Mom. Ya know; nothin' special.”

 

Nodoka again frowned slightly at her son's way of speaking, but chose not to make an issue of it. She did, however, favor him with a sharp glare when their food arrived and he began to inhale it in his usual manner. That non-verbal reprimand caught him with his mouth stuffed over-full; making beads of sweat spring up on his forehead as he slowly and very cautiously swallowed what he was currently devouring. From then on he did his best to moderate his pace to merely fast rather than rapacious. Somewhat satisfied with that, Nodoka continued her questioning. “And how is school?”

 

“All right, I guess,” Ranma shrugged indifferently. He had never been all that interested in that kind of education and considering the bizarre school he found himself in it was difficult to take any kind of academic studies seriously. “Same as usual.”

 

Nodoka nodded her head as she finally pressed on to what she really wanted to talk about. “And Akane? How are you two getting along?”

 

Ranma's brow immediately lowered at that and he began slowly trailing his fork through the few remainders of food on his plate, unwilling to answer. Glancing up, however, he saw that his mother was simply sitting there, staring at him expectantly. Sighing he muttered, “Same as usual.” Then he pressed his lips together firmly and kept his gaze fixed downward.

 

Nodoka's smile remained gentle even as internally she worried. Ever since the disastrous forced-wedding after the victory over Saffron, she had been growing more and more concerned about the relationship between the two teens. She had never seen them do anything but fight with one another, fights which seemed to only be getting more and more bitter and vicious. Genma and Soun swore that there was love between the two, but even if that were true in her opinion that made the relationship more precarious. Whatever feelings Akane and Ranma felt for one another they were clearly unable to express them to the other, perhaps not even to themselves. In such a situation love could easily grow to a poisonous hatred that would destroy the two of them. Thus, when she saw Ranma's reaction to her question; both what he said verbally and what he expressed through his body language, Nodoka could only increasingly wonder if it might be time for the engagement between the two to be brought to a close, for their own good if nothing else.

 

“Mom?” Nodoka blinked her eyes to clear those thoughts from her head as she heard Ranma calling her name.

 

“Yes, Dear?”

 

“Before, when we were out on the street, you said we had some time before noon. What's so special about noon? Is something happening?”

 

Nodoka blinked in surprise, “Well, I thought you would know better than me, Ranma dear.”

 

“Huh?”

 

Seeing that her son clearly had no idea what she was talking about, Nodoka pulled out a cream-colored envelope and slid it across the table to Ranma. “It was hand-delivered to my home this morning.”

 

Ranma looked over the envelope and its contents curiously. The material of the envelope was a heavy, high-quality paper stock as was the matching rectangular card inside it. Pulling out the card, he could clearly see it was an invitation, printed in an ornate, heavily embossed, gold script. The odd thing was that is was an invitation for Nodoka Saotome to come to the Tendo Dojo at noon on that very day! Ranma looked over everything carefully, but could find no indication of whom it might be from. Shrugging his shoulders he returned the card and envelope to his mother. “Beats me, Mom. I know the Tendos ain't expecting anyone and Pops doesn't have any friends so…” Ranma suddenly began glowering as he suddenly realized another explanation, ignoring his mother who was shaking her head at his bad grammar and unrefined way of speaking. “Unless that stupid blob of Panda fat went and got me…! Come one, Mom!” Ranma jumped to his feet and pulled the surprised Nodoka up as well. “We're gonna go see Pops right now and see what he's got to say `bout this!”

 

Seconds later the other customers at the café were given the chance to see a kimono-clad woman swept up in a teenager's arms and taken at breath-taking speed up into the skies and across the rooftops of Nerima. “Hey!! What about your bill!” An irate waiter yelled after the disappearing pair. “Damn it! They skipped out on- Youch!” The waiter yelled in pain as a neatly folded \5,000 bill came flying through the air to strike him directly in the eye. Pulling the money off his face and blinking tears from his eye he saw that on it was scrawled a note, `We'll be back for the change later.' The waiter sighed and went to the register to record the transaction, wondering for the thousandth time why he had chosen this particular part-time job. Despite the higher pay that went along with the jobs in Nerima, there always seemed to be some additional hassle involved. At least today it's just a couple of roof hoppers, the waiter consoled himself. Better that than that withered old man feeling up all the customers!!

 

Moments Before Noon, Tendo Household

 

“I'm telling you, Saotome!” Soun Tendo glared at this old friend as he remonstrated with him for the millionth time since Ranma and Nodoka had jumped over the wall, the teenager yelling for his father even as he carefully helped his shocked mother to a seat at the living room table. “This had better not be yet another fiancée for Ranma! If it is…!”

 

“Tendo,” Genma replied sincerely, making everyone in the room distrust him even more. “I assure you! I'm just as much in the dark about this whole matter as you are! I have absolutely no idea what this all could be about! Surely, you don't think I'd lie to you, do you?”

 

The dark looks he received from everyone, including his own wife, made it perfectly clear that that's exactly what they all thought. “You wound me, Tendo! You too, Boy! And after all that I've-!” Genma suddenly broke off and cocked his head. “Does anyone else hear thunder?”

 

“What're ya crazy, Pops?” Ranma pointed out to the front yard through the open living room walls. “There's hardly a cloud in the sky! Now stop tryin' to change the subject!”

 

“I'm telling you, Boy! I heard thunder!” Genma turned to his old training partner. “Soun, didn't you-?”

 

CCCCRRRRAAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!

 

Before Ranma's father could complete his question a huge, blazing thunderbolt blasted down from the clear blue sky to smash into the ground with ear-shattering force. When the assembled Tendos and Saotomes were able to blink the afterimages out of their eyes they could see that the lighting had left a circular scorched mark in the grass of the Tendo yard and standing in that circle were three figures. In the middle was a tall, muscular man with a full, grey-streaked dark beard and wearing a grey suit who occasionally pulled at the collar of his shirt as if trying to loosen it. Whenever he did this the woman to his right, an attractive woman of indeterminate age, full chestnut hair and dressed in a dark conservative skirt-suit would jab an elbow into his side even as she smiled at the stunned people inside the house. The final figure was shorter than the man, but taller than the other woman. Slender and athletic looking, she was also dressed extremely differently than her suit-clad companions: skintight, dark red leathers, with a sword hanging from her hip. The sour look on her tanned, beautiful face was also in opposition to the slightly-forced smiles the other two were sporting.

 

BBBBBRRRRRRRUUUUUUAAAAAAAHHHHHGGGGHHHH!!!

 

Just as they were about to ask their surprise visitors what was going on the Saotomes and Tendos were shocked back into silence yet again as the yard five meters or so to the right of newcomers suddenly ripped apart and released a huge, dark cloud of smoke that stunk of sulphur and was accompanied by flickers of crackling heat as well as what seemed like the screams of trillions of damned souls. Or perhaps it was just those forced to eat Akane's cooking. At any rate, when the smoke cleared a patch of the Tendo yard had been seared free of all grass and in its midst stood another three figures. The middle one was once again male, a slender, elegant man this time with a neatly cut goatee, reddish-hued skin and a pair of small horns poking out from his neatly arranged black hair. He was clad in an inky-black, three piece suit. To his right was a gorgeous red-haired woman wearing a black kimono with a few flowery patterns in red gracing its edges. Her obi was a dark red as well. To the man's left stood a bubblegum chewing girl who was slightly smaller than the redhead, but equally beautiful and curvaceous. Her bright blonde hair was arranged in two ponytails to either side of her head and she was wearing what looked like a typical schoolgirl's outfit, although a bit…brief. Every member of this trio was smiling happily, or so it seemed, as they looked upon the open-mouthed people inside the Tendo house.

 

“I apologize for the suddenness and overly dramatic nature of our entrance,” the slender, horned man said, his voice the very definition of suave urbanity. “Perhaps it would be best for us to begin the introductions and move on from there?” Seeing no objection from the still shocked Tendos and Saotomes he gave a toothy grin before bowing flamboyantly. “I am Beelzebub, The Dark Lord, Bringer of Pain, Destroyer of Souls. You may call me Beelzebub.” Next he gestured to the red-haired woman who bowed in precisely the correct Japanese fashion. “This is my lovely, intelligent and powerful wife, Erzulie, Queen of Hell, Goddess of Jealousy, Bringer of Despair.”

 

“It's a pleasure to meet you all.” Erzulie spoke in a quiet voice toward the house as an even quieter one informed her husband, “Nice try, but no dice. I'm still going to make you pay for this.”

 

Beelzebub winced at this, but quickly hurried on with his last introduction, “And this is our beautiful, deadly daughter, Rangda, The Dark Temptress, Lady of Desire, Highest of the Succubi.”

 

“Hiya!” Rangda stopped snapping her gum shortly to greet everyone cheerfully; giving a short bouncing bow that caused a number of her other attributes to bounce as well. All of the men viewing her felt their pulses race in reaction to this action as well as the toothy smile that seemed to promise more than they could imagine. The women on the other hand, felt frowns beginning to appear on their faces at this little Lolita.

 

“Hhrm, yes, well,” The man who's group arrived cleared his throat to drag everyone's attention away from the jailbait to himself. “I am Zeus, The All-Father, Lord of the Celestial Realm, King of the Thunderbolts. Please call me Zeus. To my right is my inspiration and the wind beneath my wings, my wife, Belit, Queen of Heaven, Mother of the Gods, Blesser of Marriages, Punisher of Transgressors.”

 

As he spoke the chestnut-haired woman bowed formally. “It is my pleasure to greet you in the name of the Celestial Realm.”

 

“Finally this is our lovely daughter,” Zeus turned to the darkly tanned woman to his left. “Sekhmet, Avenger of Wrongs, Lady of Slaughter, The One Before Whom Evil Trembles.” Sekhmet gave a short bow, but she clearly wasn't all that happy and said nothing as her father finished the introductions.

 

“Well now that that's over,” Zeus said cheerfully, “perhaps we can come in and get down to business. What do you say?”

 

The assembled Saotomes and Tendos looked at Soun as head of the household, but he was merely sitting there staring blankly into space, his mouth opening and closing uselessly. Used to her father's reaction to much less traumatic, not to say religiously challenging, experiences, Kasumi quickly rose to the occasion. “Oh, my. Please do come in and be seated. You must be tired after riding that lightning bolt thing. I mean, it seems to be quite a quick way to travel, but it does seem a bit…unsettling. And climbing all the way up from Hell can't be very restful either. Well, I'll just see to some refreshments, so please make yourselves comfortable.”

 

“I'll help you, Sis!” Akane offered, partly to help and partly to get out of this extremely strange situation.

 

Everyone else paled at this, not even wanting to know what the punishment might be if Akane managed to poison any of these powerful beings with her attempts at cooking. “Oh, don't trouble yourself, dear,” Nodoka quickly interjected. “I don't want to be just a useless old woman in your home so I'll help. You just stay here and make sure everyone has a seat.” With that she disappeared toward the rear of the house with Kasumi.

 

Meanwhile the six gods and goddesses clambered into the house and everyone else rearranged themselves to give as much room as possible to their uninvited guests. There things stood for several quiet uncomfortable minutes until Kasumi and Nodoka returned with enough tea and cakes for everyone.

 

Finally, it was Zeus who broke the awkward silence, a matter which had been agreed upon beforehand. “Well, thank you so much for your hospitality. We truly do appreciate it, especially since we came here without any prior notice. Might we trouble you for your names?” It was of course unnecessary, but the Immortals had hoped it might help quiet down everyone's nerves a bit.

 

The Saotomes and Tendos again looked toward Soun, but he was still busy with his gaping fish impression so it was Nodoka who took over. She began the introduction with the Tendos: first Soun, then the daughters in order of birth, Kasumi, Nabiki and Akane. Then she introduced herself and her husband, then she turned to her son, “Finally, this is my pride and joy-“

 

“BBWWWEEEEE!!!”

 

“P-chan, Baby!!”

 

Everyone's heads turned in surprise as a rather battered looking little black piglet ran, squealing into the room and jumped into Akane's open arms, snuggling against her bosom. The six gods and goddesses peered closely at the piglet, easily able to penetrate the Jusenkyo curse to see its true form: the human being Ryouga Hibiki. Ranma merely let his head slump, knowing what was coming next.

 

“Ranma!” Akane's voice was raw with anger. “Just look at my poor baby!! Have you been picking on my P-chan again!??!!”

 

“I ain't touched that stupid little runt,” Ranma growled back truthfully. “Ryouga, on the other, hand I gave a good slap down, the wuss-“

 

CCRRAAASSHHH!!! Akane's mallet smashed into the teenage martial artist's skull driving him with violent force face-first into the tatami flooring. “So, you've been picking fights with Ryouga again, have you?!!”

 

“What're ya talkin' about?!” Ranma shouted as he pushed her hammer aside and picked his head off the floor, his face unmarked despite the viciousness of the attack. “It was that idiot and ducky-boy Mousse who jumped me!”

 

“Liar!!” Akane screamed. “I know it's your fault!! Everything is always your fault you stupid pervert!!!”

 

Before Ranma could respond Nodoka jumped in, her face red-faced in embarrassment at was taking place in front of their exalted guests. “Children! Calm yourselves!! This is no way to behave at any time, but even less when we have visitors in the house. Now apologize!!”

 

Ranma, face flushed at his mother's reprimand, turned and bowed deeply to the wide-eyed gods and goddesses. “Sorry `bout that,” he muttered in shame.

 

“Hmmph! You should apologize you cross-dressing disgrace!” Akane sniffed.

 

“Uh, well,” Nodoka stammered as she tried to get past the incredibly awkward moment. “As I was trying to say earlier, this is my son Ranma.” Ranma bowed again in greeting.

 

“Are you the one who defeated Saffron, Ranma?” Beelzebub asked; red sparks seeming to glow in his bottomless eyes as he regarded the youth before him.

 

“Well, I mean, I had some help…But yeah, ya know, basically it was me.” Suddenly Ranma frowned. “You guys aren't here because of that, are ya? I mean, I didn't want to take him down, but he was going to…”

 

“There's no need to worry, my dear,” Erzulie cut off his explanations. “Saffron made his own decisions and paid for his folly. We place no blame upon you for his actions. We merely need to know for identification purposes.”

 

“Oh. OK, then.”

 

“And Ranma…Have you eaten mermaid flesh recently?” This time it was Zeus who asked the question. All of the gods and goddesses leaned forward, eager to hear the answer.

 

“Mermaid flesh?” Ranma looked at the Lord of the Heavens in confusion. “What're you talkin' about? Their ain't no mermaids, is…?” The martial artist let his question trail off. After all, I'm sittin' across from six gods and goddesses, so why can't there be mermaids too?

 

“He wouldn't've known what it was, Father,” Sekhmet suddenly gestured and a plate appeared in her hand, on which was a piece of what looked like pinkish-colored fish meat. “Have any of you bought fish that looked something like this recently? Perhaps two days ago or so?”

 

“You know,” Kasumi said after a moment's consideration of the plate's contents. “That looks a lot like the fish you bought from that fishmonger on Friday, Akane.” Everyone nodded in confirmation of that, Ranma's face going pale as he remembered how sick it had made him.

 

“And you ate this…fish did you, Ranma?” Zeus asked seriously.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“How much?”

 

“Uh…Maybe four or five pieces, I guess,” Ranma's face flushed as he remembered how he had nearly puked his guts out after the first piece, but Akane had shoved the succeeding pieces down his throat in her fury at his reaction to her cooking. “Why?”

 

“I'll answer that in a moment, son, but first…Did anyone else eat this meat?”

 

“Uh, no,” Kasumi replied carefully, not looking at her youngest sister who was glaring at Ranma and unknowingly throttling P-chan in her anger. “After eating the fish Ranma's reaction seemed…extreme.”

 

“Even for Akane's cooking,” Nabiki interjected sardonically, earning her a glower from her younger sister which she simply ignored.

 

“Well…We thought the fish might have gone bad or something, so we disposed of it.”

 

“How exactly did you get rid of it?” Sekhmet asked, her tone deadly serious. “Did you just throw it away, or…?”

 

“No, I used the trash disposal system,” Kasumi replied, surprised by the young goddess's intensity and her breath of relief at her answer.

 

“That's all right then,” Zeus turned his attention back to the confused Ranma. “So Ranma, how did you feel after eating the meat? Sick?”

 

“So sick!” Ranma agreed a little too heartily for Akane's liking. “I mean, it was even worse than normal! I really thought my stomach was gonna jump right outta my body and kick my butt for puttin' somethin' so nasty in it!! I'm telling ya, I was sicker than-!”

 

“That's enough of that, Ranma dear,” Nodoka sternly brought up her son short. “But why all these questions about my son's eating habits? I certainly would have thought that people as important as yourselves would have more vital things to deal with.”

 

“Normally that would be the case, Mrs. Saotome,” Belit agreed. “But I'm afraid this is a slightly different case. You see, what your son ate wasn't any kind of fish, but actually the flesh from a mermaid.”

 

“I think I'm gonna be sick again!” Ranma's face paled as he thought about the implications of what the Celestial Queen had just said.

 

“Man, Saotome!” Nabiki teased with a grin. “I know you're always hungry, but to eat the Little Mermaid!?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Think of all the kids who are going to be crying in the street because you scarfed down Ariel. And what if the Disney lawyers find out?” Ranma's hand quickly covered over his mouth and he swallowed bile at the ideas Nabiki's taunting comments were bringing to mind, throwing a dirty look at the middle Tendo daughter, which of course simply rolled right off her.

 

“Children! Enough!” Nodoka snapped again, before asking worriedly, “Is this mermaid flesh dangerous? Could it…kill my son?”

 

“In approximately 60% of cases it results in an agonizing death within 12 hours,” Sekhmet informed the distraught mother dispassionately.

 

“And the other 40%?!”

 

“The victim turns into a freakish monster we refer to as `Lost Souls' that must be hunted down and killed before they destroy and devour everyone within sight.”

 

Upon hearing this all of the others in the room immediately scurried as far away from the pig-tailed martial artist as possible. “How long do we have to cure him before we have to take him out?” Akane asked, her mallet again in her hands.

 

“Mutation into a Lost Soul also normally takes 12 hours. Since Ranma hasn't transformed yet, he's safe.”

 

Sekhmet's slightly bitter response immediately caused everyone to relax and return to their seats, but soon people's brows began to furrow in thought. It was Ranma who voiced what was running through their heads. “Um, I know I ain't so great at math of anything, but…60% plus 40% does make 100%, doesn't it? And since I ain't dead or a monster yet…What does that mean? That the flesh didn't affect me at all?”

 

It was Zeus who took over after that question. “Actually, Ranma, in .0000000001% of cases the human who eats mermaid flesh neither dies nor becomes a monster. Instead…Well, instead they become immortal.” There was a moment's silence after that. Then:

 

“WHAT!??!?!?!!?!!!”