Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? - Nerima Style! ❯ Chapter 4

This story contains scenes of explicit sex, naughty words, and other horrible, offensive things.  If you are underage in your house, village, town, city, community, state, province, country, or continent: READ NO FURTHER!  If that type of thing offends your tender sensibilities, or you are stupid: READ NO FURTHER!  All characters are the copyright of their respective creators and/or owners; no copyright infringement is intended by this story.  Any resemblance to people, places, or situations alive, dead, or otherwise is purely coincidental.

 

GuessWho's Coming to Dinner: Nerima Styleï¼

 

Chapter 4

 

A Short Recap from the Previous Chapter

 

It was Ranma who voiced what was running through their heads. “Um, I know I ain't so great at math of anything, but…60% plus 40% does make 100%, doesn't it? And since I ain't dead or a monster yet…What does that mean? That the flesh didn't affect me at all?”

 

It was Zeus who took over after that question. “Actually, Ranma, in .0000000001% of cases the human who eats mermaid flesh neither dies nor becomes a monster. Instead…Well, instead they become immortal.” There was a moment's silence after that. Then:

 

“WHAT!??!?!?!!?!!!”

 

Now On With the Succeeding Events

 

“So…I won't die?” Ranma finally managed to ask.

 

“Basically,” Sekhmet agreed before elaborating. “Actually, it's probably more accurate to think of it as more of a super healing factor. For example,” the War goddess gestured with her hand and suddenly produced a semi-automatic pistol, making everyone jerk back in surprise. “You're not immortal like a god or goddess is.” She placed the gun against her temple and pulled the trigger. The sharp report made all of the humans start, shocked, but Sekhmet simply shook her head slightly and the spent bullet fell to the floor with a slight tinkle of metal. “For us such attacks are merely slightly annoying.” She turned the pistol so it was pointing directly at Ranma. “If I shot you in the face with this, on the other hand, you'd feel the pain, collapse to the ground, bleed and so on just like anyone else. The difference is that in your case in about twelve hours or so you'd be back on your feet and feeling fine.” She paused to allow that to sink in and let the pistol disappear back to wherever she had gotten it in the first place before she went on, “After feeling so sick when you ate the flesh, how did you feel the next day? How do you feel now?”

 

“Fine…Better than fine, really,” Ranma admitted.

 

Sekhmet nodded her head, causing her braided, beaded hair to clack together. “What's happening to you is that the mermaid flesh is invading all of your cells, changing you, healing you. The reason you feel so good is that all of the little aches and pains you've ever had, the twinges and sore muscles you've always experienced from training and other activities are being fixed. That's why when Ms. Tendo here just hit you; you came up with no mark on your face. You're not invulnerable, but whatever happens to you will heal rapidly, which is why you're considered immortal.”

 

“Oooo! That's so cool!” Nabiki enthused. “It's like the Highlander or something! I mean, the first movie, not those other lame-ass ones.” She paused and her forehead furrowed as a thought struck her. “How about aging? I seem to remember an old story about a mortal who was given immortality but kept aging until he got so old and shriveled he became a cricket or something.”

 

“Ah, that,” Zeus squirmed a little uncomfortably. “Aphrodite still hasn't forgiven me for that little…But really it was her own fault!” The All-Father waved aside his digression. “Anyway, it doesn't really apply in this case. Ranma won't age any from this point on. Well,” Zeus corrected himself with a close, piercing gaze at the uncomfortable Ranma. “Perhaps he'll age a bit more. It seems like there are some deep scars that are taking a while for the mermaid flesh to cure, but I estimate everything will be fixed in a month or so.”

 

“Yes, those really are some deep traumas,” Beelzebub, his eyes burning as he closely regarded Ranma, inside and out. “Did you suffer some kind of mental breakdown or some other problem when you were a child, Ranma? There seems to be…”

 

As the Dark Lord's voice trailed off, Ranma shot a dirty look at his father before saying, “Yeah, well…When I was a kid I was taught…Ya know, I learned the Neko Ken and ever since…”

 

“The Neko Ken?!” Rangda asked in surprise. At the teenager's miserable nod of confirmation she began letting out peels of silvery laughter. Seeing Ranma's scowl she managed to choke back her amusement enough to explain. “I wasn't laughing at you my dear Ranma,” She said with a winning smile. It was a smile that turned vicious as her baby-blue eyes turned toward Sekhmet. “You see, I just found it funny that you'd be cursed with a fear of cats when little Sekhmet's totem animal is the lion.”

 

Ranma, however, merely looked confused at this explanation, obviously not seeing the connection between his ailurophobia and the goddess. Before anyone could explain, Nabiki spoke up once again, teasing her younger sister's fiancé; “That's too bad, Ranma. Looks like you'd better get used to getting carded until the end of time. Of course,” She added as the martial artist frowned at her. “There are any number of women who'd kill to look like a seventeen-year-old again. Too bad we can't sell them a secret formula or something. Oh, well.”

 

Before anyone else could comment, the Goddess of Lust cut in. “Father,” Rangda suggested firmly. “Why don't we let everyone know exactly why we're here, now that you've confirmed dear Ranma's identity and explained about his immortality?”

 

Beelzebub sighed, but nodded his head in acceptance of his daughter' suggestion. “Genma Saotome?”

 

The middle-aged martial artist looked up in surprise at being singled out, having been doing his best to keep a low profile in the face of such powerful beings. “Uh…yes?”

 

“When young Ranma here was born, did you not make a prayer for his future?”

 

“Yes,” Genma admitted, still feeling confused. “As is the custom in the Saotome family when a son is born I took Ranma to the closest shrine and made a prayer to the Kami for my son.”

 

“And would you mind telling everyone what that prayer is?” Zeus requested.

 

“Sure,” Genma agreed. “It's just an old form of a prayer, passed down through the generations in my family. It's basically a wish that the boy grow up strong and worthy enough of being accepted into the ranks of the Kami and Tengu themselves; learning their battle skills so that he might be a match for any being mortal or otherwise he might face.” Genma shrugged indifferently, “As I said, it's an ancient prayer for our sons' future strength and honor.”

 

Man, this is gonna bite me in the ass! Ranma thought as he listened to his worthless father talking about some dumb old prayer with the gods and goddesses. I just know it! Some people might consider such thinking as evidence of paranoia on the youth's part. Others would simply see it as the results of long, hard, painful experience.

 

Zeus and Beelzebub looked at one another, nodded gravely, then turned and bowed in unison to the Saotomes. “Your prayer was heard and is now answered, Genma Saotome,” Zeus began formally.

 

“As your son has shown his high qualities through the defeat of Saffron,” The Evil One continued.

 

“And the achievement of immortality,” Added the Lord of Light.

 

“So do we fulfill our pledge,” Finished Beelzebub.

 

Together the two Lords of the Celestial and Infernal Realms gestured toward their daughters who bowed formally, Rangda still smiling while Sekhmet scowled. “We present our daughters to your son, Ranma Saotome. They will immediately begin his training in the arts of combat taught only to gods and devils. In one year's time the marriage will take place. Ranma Saotome, welcome to our families.” The two Overlords voices trailed off and the six gods and goddesses bowed a final time to the shocked humans.

 

I knew it, Ranma despaired as his head fell into his hands. I just knew it!!

 

Genma was thinking nothing as his mind was totally incapable of grasping what had just happened right in front of him.

 

Nodoka looked at her son, then at the two goddesses who had just become his newest fiancées, then back at her son again. “Wai!” She yelled happily. “My son is so manly!! And the grandchildren will be so cute!!” She hugged Ranma tightly, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks.

 

Only one other person was capable of expressing their feelings out loud and she took no time in doing exactly that. “RANMA!! YOU PERVERT!!!!” Akane leapt to her feet, dropping P-chan to the ground with a squeal as her massive mallet appeared in her hands and a blazing red battle aura surrounded her. “You planned this!! Somehow you just knew about this and you, you, you…!!!! You cross-dressing lecherous womanizer!! I hate you!!” Akane began slowly stepping toward her fiancé, murder in her eyes.

 

“But Akane!” Nodoka protested, shocked at the girl's reaction. “His father made the prayer when he was a baby! How could either of them have even suspected that it would be answered?!”

 

Akane ignored the older woman, continuing to pace forward.

 

“Akane,” Kasumi put forward. “You know Ranma only defeated Saffron to rescue you and save the lives of everybody!”

 

Akane ignored her eldest sister, continuing to pace forward.

 

“And you're the one who gave him the mermaid flesh,” Nabiki pointed out, even the normally controlled Tendo daughter becoming concerned at Akane's extreme behavior. “He didn't want to eat it, but you made him!”

 

Akane ignored her sister, continuing to pace forward.

 

Finally she came to halt directly behind the unmoving Ranma, her hands and the gigantic wooden hammer they held raised high above her head. “He's a no good, lying pervert!” She muttered between clenched teeth. “He can't be trusted!! HE'S A THOGHTLESS, STUPID, JERK!!! RRRAAAAANNNMMMAAA!!!” Screaming her enemy's name, her mallet came flashing down with all of her strength.

 

Sching!

 

Thwap!

 

The clear, clean ringing tone of drawn steel echoed through the Tendo living room and Akane looked down at the wooden handle she was holding clenched tightly in her fists. To her side lay the head of her mallet, neatly severed from said handle, while between her and Ranma stood Nodoka Saotome, carefully returning her ever-present katana back to its sheath, her face tight with barely repressed anger.

 

“Enough,” Nodoka finally said. “I've seen these constant, pointless squabbles going on between you two for far too long. Enough. Soun?” Nodoka turned to face the head of the Tendo household who seemed to be just barely hanging onto his sanity. Getting no response from the shell-shocked man, Ranma's mother continued on anyway. “I must formally inform you that your daughter Akane is no longer acceptable to the Saotome family as a bride for Ranma. If you wish to keep the pledge to join our houses, we would be happy to accept either Kasumi or Nabiki, should they be willing to do so. But not Akane. Now that is that.”

 

Genma looked over at his training partner for some help in protesting this move, but quickly saw that the other man was beyond reach. “Uh, dear,” He began, but was quickly silenced by one furious gaze from his wife. Erzulie and Belit observed this little byplay, looked at one another, then smiled and nodded their heads in approval.

 

Nodoka carefully rearranged the folds of her kimono as she sat back down at the table. “I'm ever so sorry about the disturbance,” She said sweetly, doing her best to make their guests forget what had just happened as well as ignoring the way Akane stiffly stumbled back to her seat, P-chan scrambling up into her lap, squealing with distress as he regarded the stunned look in her face. “Let me warmly welcome you both to the Saotome family,” Ranma's mother continued, bowing deeply to Sekhmet and Rangda. “I'm sure Ranma feels the same way.”

 

Ranma opened his mouth to protest, but then closed it without saying anything. Finally he too bowed, muttering half under his breath, “I just don't care anymore.” His mother seemed satisfied, however, and smiled warmly at him.

 

“I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, Ranma.” Rangda said coquettishly, her eyes drifting over his handsome face and well-built body. “I hope you live up to your name!”

 

“Huh?” Ranma frowned at this, clearly not getting her meaning, but Sekhmet did and she favored the other goddess with a frown that was completely ignored.

 

“Well, there's not much any of us can do about this,” The War goddess opined. “So we might as well make the best of it. I understand you're interested in the martial arts, Ranma. At least that's one thing we have in common. I look forward to training with you.”

 

“How nice that you all get along,” Nodoka approved, before turning to both Belit and Erzulie. “Now, about the wedding. I was hoping for a traditional Japanese ceremony, but you know how popular the Western-style chapel wedding has become among young people these days. Perhaps a double ceremony? Oh dear!” Ranma's mother put her hand to her mouth at a sudden disturbing thought. “I do hope I haven't offended you by discussing ceremony styles, you all being gods, I mean.”

 

“Don't worry,” Belit reassured her with a comforting smile. “To be honest, we're far less concerned over these matters than you humans seem to think. Now, Nodoka, it is all right if I call you that, isn't it?”

 

“Oh! Please do!”

 

“Well then, Nodoka. Since there's only a year before the wedding we were hoping that you wouldn't mind if our daughters stayed in town to get to know their future husband better. In addition to beginning his training, that is.”

 

“Yes,” Erzulie seconded. “I really do think that it is quite important that the youngsters become more…intimate with one another before the big day.” The Queen of Darkness ignored the frowns that she got from the Celestial goddesses at the double meaning inherent in what she had just said.

 

“Oh, that would be just fine,” Nodoka agreed, inwardly jumping for joy that finally things were moving smoothly on the marriage front. “Now, will you be needing a place to stay or any help whatsoever? Please don't hesitate to ask if you do. For example, you, young lady. Rangda is it?”

 

“Yes, what about me?” The demoness in schoolgirl form asked.

 

“Well, will you be needing any assistance in applying for a school transfer? What grade are you in anyway? Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could join Ranma's class?!”

 

Like I don't have enough problems already?! Ranma thought in misery, but his fear was swiftly alleviated by the young goddess.

 

“As a matter of fact, Mrs. Saotome…”

 

“Please call me `Mother,' my dear!”

 

“Uh, very well. Mother. I'm somewhat older than I appear.”

 

“A LOT older,” Sekhmet agreed with a cruel smile.

 

“If you say so, dear,” Nodoka agreed doubtfully. “But I have to say you look quite young to me.”

 

“Well, we goddesses do have the ability to control our shape,” Rangda pointed out after breaking her glare toward the War Goddess. “In my natural form,” The schoolgirl's form suddenly wavered as if enveloped in waves of heat and when the blurring lifted the Princess of Darkness was revealed in her real, soul-destroyingly beautiful shape. Inky black silky smooth skin that was totally free of all blemishes stretched for everyone to see all over her voluptuous, heart-rending and completely naked form. Her dark purple hair fell in tumbling locks about her gorgeous, wicked face and two bat-like wings sprung from her back. Elongated fangs were exposed behind her plump lips as all the men in the room felt their tongues begin hanging from their mouths as they looked upon this personification of lust in physical form before them.

 

“Put it away dear,” Erzulie admonished her daughter and with another shimmering blur, Rangda resumed her schoolgirl guise. “Thank you for your offer, Nodoka,” The succubus's mother continued after things had calmed down slightly. “Should we need anything, be sure we'll call upon you.” The Queen of Damnation opened her mouth to continue speaking, but she was abruptly cut off.

 

“Uh, excuse me?” Genma's voice had a whining catch as he stared desperately at the gods and goddesses before him. “I was wondering if it would be possible… Since you have the ability to change shapes and so forth…So, you know, could you help me with a problem I have? You see I once went to Jusenkyo and received a curse. And, since we're going to be family and all, could you maybe remove it from me? Let me be a whole man again?”

 

Ranma's head snapped up at his father's desperate plea. “Yeah, that's right! I got a curse there too!” The teenager frowned as he saw his father blink in surprise, clearly so intent on getting his own cure he'd totally forgotten about his son. “Can you get rid of mine, too?”

 

“A Jusenkyo curse, huh?” Zeus commented as he looked over the two Saotomes carefully. “Well, that's nothing to sneeze at.”

 

“Definitely a bit rare,” Beelzebub added. Then after a glance at P-chan he noted, “Although they do seem to be more common in this area.” The little piglet looked nervously up at Akane to see if she'd noticed the hint, but the frowning teenager's thoughts were entirely internal.

 

“Well, it'll be possible for you,” The Lord of Light finally judged, talking to Genma who let out a whoop of pleasure, jumped to his feet and began doing a stupid dance of joy. “But not for you, Ranma.”

 

“What?!! Why not?!!!” Ranma knocked his father's legs out from under him as the older man continued to dance around despite hearing about his son's misfortune.

 

“It's because of the mermaid flesh you ate. As we said before the effects of it are to help freeze your body's changes in time. It's still making adjustments in you, but the curse has already been locked in place by its power. I could no more remove your curse than I could take away your immortality.” Zeus looked sympathetically at his new son-in-law. “Mermaid flesh affects the physical body first and fastest, which is why you're already immortal and can heal so quickly. Mental aspects take longer, that's why I said you probably have about a month or so before it completes its effects on your body.”

 

“How soon can you fix my curse?” Genma asked selfishly, earning himself some dirty looks from practically everyone else in the room. “What?!”

 

“I'll cure you on the day of your son's wedding to my daughter,” Zeus agreed a bit sourly. “Consider it a wedding present.” The middle-aged martial artist again started dancing around happily and this time Ranma left him to it, depressed that he'd have to be stuck with his cursed body. Now for forever.

 

Eventually Erzulie spoke up, breaking the slightly somber mood. Except for Genma's continuing individual party, of course. “Please excuse us for a moment as there is something I wish to discuss with my fellow gods privately.”

 

“Oh, please go ahead,” Nodoka agreed politely, looking at her son with deep concern in her eyes.

 

Erzulie turned to the other gods and goddesses and began speaking in the Divine Speech, which only they could understand. <Since we're going to leave the girls here to begin Ranma's training until the marriage, I think we should all make a vow to stay clear and leave things to them. No assistance. No advice. No interventions. Let's leave it to Rangda, Sekhmet and Ranma to sort out amongst themselves.>

 

Belit squinted suspiciously at her opposite, wondering why a demoness would be the one to suggest a vow of non-intervention. <That seems fine to me.> She finally agreed. <There are a few things that I wish to do with my daughter before we leave, though. So what do you say to this vow beginning from dawn tomorrow?>

 

<Agreed.> Erzulie concurred, quickly followed by all of the two's husbands, all swearing upon the Source not to interfere in their daughter's affairs for one year from the next day at dawn.

 

“I'm sorry for the interruption,” The Dark Lady said as she returned to speaking Japanese and resumed speaking with Ranma's mother.

 

“It's no trouble at all.”

 

“Actually, dear,” Belit suddenly interjected, turning to Zeus. “I think that we've pretty much wrapped up all we needed you for today. Why don't you go along home? I'll be back later and we'll continue that…talk we were having earlier.”

 

“Are you sure, honey?” Zeus asked even as he winced internally at the thought of what his wife was going to do to him later. “I'd be more than happy to…”

 

“I said it's fine. Dear.” The Celestial Queen's eyes were as hard as agates as she regarded her husband. “Now go home. Immediately.”

 

“Yes, My Love,” Zeus hurriedly got to his feet and made his farewells, doing his best to ignore Beelzebub's mocking grin and sharp hand gesture as he mouthed the word `WHIPPPED!”

 

The King of Pain's amusement was short lived, however, when he noticed his own wife's burning gaze on him. He opened his mouth to ask what it is she wanted, but quickly shut it as she simply pointed to the outside. “Well, if that's all then…I'll be on my way, too.” In moments the Dark Lord was at his opposite's side on the Tendo yard and with dramatic flashes of lightning and gouts of flame the two disappeared to their home realms.

 

The Queens of Heaven and Hell then turned back to Nodoka Saotome and shared a warm smile with her. “Let's just get to know each other a little better, shall we?” Belit suggested.

 

“An excellent idea! Ranma!” Nodoka gestured her son forward. “Can't you see that your mothers-in-laws' and fiancées' cups are empty? Why don't you refill them while we chat? And Genma!” Nodoka's deadbeat husband looked up from where he was trying to pull up the finally unconscious Soun to dance with him, the long-haired head of the Tendo household hanging limply in his arms. “Take Soun up to his room and try to keep it down.”

 

Ranma and his father sighed, but quickly did as they were told.