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| "Vengeance" Reviews/Comments [ 7 ] | Title: FFRG Review: Ch 2
Reviewed By: MissMusicality [MediaMiner Member] On: December 02, 2005 10:49 CST
Comment/Review:
Thank you so much for submitting this to FFRG to be reviewed! It was a very enjoyable read. I went ahead and read through the first chapter as well, so I knew what was going on, because your main concern was that this chapter didn't fit. From what I can tell, there is nothing out of place here. You continued with each character, so that we now know where they all are, how they're feeling, and what is happening in the story line. While this chapter was short, it was crucial in its updates. Well done. I found only one grammatical error, and it was simply a missing space between words. (I'm not saying there aren't more of them, but I only found one.) Everyone still seems very in character, and I really enjoy the tension behind it all. But I do have to give you kudos on the scene between Gracia and her attacker. Their interaction was well-worded, as well as well described. Great job, and don't worry about the chapter not working, because it definately works. Best of luck!
| Title: Don't change a thing! seriously!
Reviewed By: TMcCaine [MediaMiner Member] On: November 23, 2005 22:37 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 6 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
I can tell you submitted some changes and applied them to the rest of the chapters, and I applaud your improvement. Your descriptive have improved beyond the need to have your work critiqued by reviewers in a short 1500 word response. You have made a wonderful improvement in your descriptions, and what remains, needs to be mulled over in more depth making you a better writer. I will submit myself to you as a beta reader helping you if you would like to improve the things that I still feel are a little shy of a great story. It's nice to see someone improve in such great strides from revision to revision and you should be well praised for your inventive descriptive styles and methods. I actually like reading your work, but I still reread sentences making sure I understand the intent. I would like to see the trouble spots in your paragraphs be ironed out a little better and the story come more to life. But seriously, don't change a thing, it has a wonderful feel to it as the anime does and you have turned the characters into a fan fic so parallel to it any suggestion of OOC is purely speculation. So pat yourself on the back, have others do it, congrats.
| Reviewed By: kornychic [MediaMiner Member] On: November 07, 2005 19:50 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
the way you added to the story and the way you write up the characters, its amazing! i can actually see the characters from the show saying those words and doing these things. you are fantastic with keeping them in character! your grammar is very correct and the style in which you write makes it easy to read, and it sounds professional if you understand me. i look forward to the next chapter! CHEERS
| Title: Vengeance
Reviewed By: Heathenesque [MediaMiner Member] On: October 28, 2005 14:51 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Very engaging story, and the characters are all in character. I'll say the same to you, that you did to me... Thank you for keeping Armstrong as Armstrong. I actually love the big goof. And it was great to see that you understand this is a man who is very "military". I disagree with one reviewer who mentioned that Mustang was a bit OOC in the first chapter. I've seen eps where he did get upset. And as deeply as he cares about Maes, that call would naturally rattle him. You didn't have him breaking down, or going into hysterics. The reaction was perfectly within Mustang limitations (if that made sense). There were a few minor POV changes that were a tad bit consusing in the scene in Mustang's office, but it was still a great scene. The visual was wonderful. Come to think of it, the visuals are great all the way through. I love that you've got Hawkeye and Havoc more involved. They just don't get enough love, IMO. All in all, very good, and I'm very intrigued, so I will definitly be watching for updates.
| Reviewed By: kornychic [MediaMiner Member] On: October 24, 2005 20:36 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
hey i like it so far! a great way to enter into a story--with a lil excitement. personally i though that the way mustang tore the blind off the window was funny. and havoc is such a joker! yep definitely like it. maes is my fav character, so i like to hear a lot about him *thumbs up* anyway keep going i want to read more! CHEERS
| Title: FFRG Review-Chapter 1
Reviewed By: Sari-15 [MediaMiner Member] On: October 22, 2005 18:25 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thanks for the submission to FFRG. First I would like to give you my utmost appreciation for deciding to tackle a Full Metal Alchemist fan fic. I haven't been able to find any that have been very enjoyable to read...I now have one. Thank you for that. Characterization was very strong, I think you had Havoc, Hawkeye and Mustang down perfectly. Nothing stood out as OOC to me at all (and I died laughing when Hawkeye told Havoc she was going to shove his cigarette down his throat if he didn't get off her feet.) The start of the plot is very intriguing, has me wanting to read more. The only thing that pulled me out of the story was the rapid POV switches. I think they added a little to the 'hecticness' of what was happening...but they also tended to distract me a little. I noticed them, so they weren't really 'fluid' switches. I hope that makes sense. A wonderful story, a great start, I can't wait to see where you go with it.
| Title: Its good
Reviewed By: TMcCaine [MediaMiner Member] On: October 21, 2005 16:50 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 4 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 5 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 6 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
I didn't follow the "blind" incident as it was a little clumsy, only when it was on the floor and the word blind was used I understand what happened. Also people don't enter doors, they enter rooms. Perhaps she is in the process of entering a room when, ect… I did like the usage of "naked window," it seemed to fit that instance very well. However, I must digress and state that in the instance where Havoc, from his clumsiness, almost hits Hawkeye in the head with the blinds, it runs past tense similar to how one would tell it after it happened. Tense usage while describing situations is important because during the act he would have done something not had done something. Reading further you should know that Mustang is calm and reserved hardly showing emotion, and in his dry manner answering the phone he would already have had that face, watch the OOC. Lastly, don't forget character descriptions. I have seen the entire series but forget who is who, so I need help from the writer. Nothing lavish, simplicity works. Your story should be self contained and not need the series to fill in gaps. Aside from my banter, it was enjoyable and I appreciate the usage of characters that have otherwise been ignored until later in the series, but are great characters to write about and I look forward to more. They had very little screen time and suffer from one "warehouse #13" episode where you can really see how goofballish they really are. All in all, it was good and true to the series. |
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