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| "Genesis" Reviews/Comments [ 6 ] | Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Dee-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: September 23, 2005 20:35 CDT
Comment/Review:
It's intimidating to read "Genesis Chapter 2" because of the sheer number of errors within the first few paragraphs alone. Here is one example that would make any reader wonder if the writer read his or her own work:over where she felt her life her would If the writer won't read their story, what reason has some stranger surfing the net have? No beta-reader should have to fix silly errors like those. There are a few hints of a very well-thought out backstory especially among the original characters, however, this matters little as none of those character have proven to be especially spectacular to me. Between Genesis' fear of heights, Jade's saucy confidence, and Armand's lust/love for both, I'm not drawn in to them or their plight. Compounded by the numerous grammatical, spelling, and writing errors, Genesis needs some serious improvements. I DO believe that it can become better though, as long as the writer is willing to put in the work. All my best wishes with this story, Secret!
| Title: FFRG review ch2
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: September 11, 2005 13:46 CDT
Comment/Review:
Good morning and thank you for submitting to the FFRG. For your first paragraph, it's a fair bit confusing. If you went over how Genesis and Gohan had met in the first chapter you should still give a little bit better of an explanation of what happened here, perhaps with more of Genesis' thoughts on the event. I, the reader, don't really know anything about Genesis and the parts about uncertain death and loving hurting people is very confusing. You should be clearer with your sentences. "At that point, of time(There should be something here, or you shouldn't have had the comma earlier.)" You should say something about what parts of her life she was discussing. Just touching on them would help with your story. Currently the only problem I have with your story is that you aren't actually showing a story so much as telling it. Things seem choppy and they don't flow very well. I like the idea of the dead mother and such but in your Fandom list when you submitted it to the FFRG you stated it was an Inuyasha-DBZ fic. Does that come up in later chapters? Regardless, you've got a good start, work with it and edit in more details. ~Sisi
| Title: FFARG Review- Chapter 2
Reviewed By: Pahhur [MediaMiner Member] On: August 30, 2005 19:26 CDT
Comment/Review:
Alright, this is an interesting idea, however it will gain a lot from a beta. There are certain problems like now and know. The first one is a phrase to refer to the present, like now you know is the saying you were looking for, not know you know. A good beta will clear up many of your problems here. Your story telling is also a little choppy, with few descriptions. I have no idea what Genesis looks like, which is an important thing to include. Otherwise this is good, and thanks for submitting to FFARG.
| Title: FFARG: Review of Chapter One
Reviewed By: Dee-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: August 05, 2005 21:48 CDT
Comment/Review:
There were quite a few errors I saw here, a lot of them were spelling errors where the story would read there instead of their, and there a lot of places where words were left out: he would travel into hell itself just TO insure . Also, I think that the writing style could sometimes be abrupt, such as the 1st paragraph. Another thing to think about is realism within the characters. Genesis is an original character from the series, so if you want readers to like her, she should be relatable and realistic, not some perfect beauty who lands the handsome series character immediately, not some strange woman who blurts out her whole history to a stranger upon first meeting. You have all the time in the world, so let your story unfold. There's no need to rush the story pace. Going with what Aquamarine said, you can always get a beta to fix the grammar errors--I forgot to mention that there were some verb tense mistakes--and anything like that. Thanks for submitting to FARG ^_^ and all my best wishes on your writing. (I happen to be one of the beta-readers on that list, by the way. :-P)
| Title: FFARG Review (Prologue 2)
Reviewed By: Aquamarine [MediaMiner Member] On: April 24, 2005 00:04 CDT
Comment/Review:
Gah! My formating got messed up in that last review! O.o Sorry about that! Let me say that again: Try running grammar check on your computer, too. That'll catch quite a few errors. Here's an example - "Still hidden within the tree's shadows, Genesis as the ones she thought she called a friend made there was back into her palace... 'and you Thorn may not suffer from my wrath know, but I promise that..." You might write, "Genesis watched as the ones she once called friends made their way back to the palace..." and " 'Thorn, you may not suffer from my wrath now, but I promise...'" This last sentence is very telling about Genesis's character. Does Genesis really hate them so quickly, or is she just thinking that to make herself feel better? Unless she really is that fickle (and she might be, I don't know), I think she'd need some time to digest what she's heard before she starts swearing vengeance. Use this as a chance to develop her character in the reader's eye. I think you have a nice place to start from here, but I also think this can be much better. Get ye someone to proof read your story - that's my best piece of advice. Thanks for submitting to FFARG! ~ Aquamarine
| Title: FFARG Review (Prologue)
Reviewed By: Aquamarine [MediaMiner Member] On: April 24, 2005 00:00 CDT
Comment/Review:
Secret, I've seen about 5 episodes of DBZ, and that was several years ago, but I'll do my best here ^_^. I think you have a good premise, so far. (Betrayal, angst, and fleeing one's home planet is good for writing material.) Your spelling is great, too, however your grammar could use some work. I really think you would benefit from getting a beta. You can check out MMorg forum's beta reader thread if you wish. Try running grammar check on your computer, too. That'll catch quite a few errors. Here's an example - "Still hidden within the tree's shadows, Genesis as the ones she thought she called a friend made there was back into her palace… 'and you Thorn may not suffer from my wrath know, but I promise that…" You might write, "Genesis watched as the ones she once called friends made their way back to the palace…" and " 'Thorn, you may not suffer from my wrath now, but I promise…'" This last sentence is very telling about Genesis's character. Does Genesis really hate them so quickly, or is she just thinking that to make herself feel better? Unless she really is that fickle (and she might be, I don't know), I think she'd need some time to digest what she's heard before she starts swearing vengeance. Use this as a chance to develop her character in the reader's eye. I think you have a nice place to start from here, but I also think this can be much better. Get ye someone to proof read your story - |
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