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| "Gabriel" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Reviewed By: JP On: April 21, 2005 19:17 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 6 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 3 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 2 of 10
Overall Rating: 4 of 10 Comment/Review:
Darn, I wasn't the first. Oh well, here goes. First off, lemme state for the record that fanfan (fan fantasy) isn't my cup of tea. I've read whole Star Trek novels that were real good until they started deconstructing the whole Kirk/Spock dynamic. Since then, I've tried to avoid the genre. On another side note, I don't do romances of any kind. That being said, the style here is a bit stilted, dramatic/traumatic but coming off a bit whiny which makes one wonder about the sincerity of the emotion. I'll cut you slack on the length since you clearly state chapter 1 and work in progress. But it's still an awful short chapter. Barely a prologue. Since you're doing a fanfic and not something original, try to imagine what you just wrote being animated and shown on tv. How long would it take? What's going on that's unsaid? All you let us in was a 2 minute narration of a single thought process with a few descriptors of where he was at the time. Looking forward to your next endeavor. :) writing takes much practice.
| Reviewed By: Jeffrey K. Mills On: April 20, 2005 21:22 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 4 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 6 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 2 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 1 of 10
Overall Rating: 3 of 10 Comment/Review:
Be careful what you ask for. You may just get it. Writing in the first person should only be attempted by experienced writers. Otherwise, it comes off being very stilted and forced. Stick to 3rd person for a while until that works for you. This is an old story, told repeatedly by every writer since time began. Few can give it a twist making it even remotely interesting. Even Shakespeare wrote a few clunkers in the romance genre. Collapsing a very long story into a single paragraph doesn't help your presentation. Added to that is the hint at the ending that you gave away. On the good side, this is the best grammatically that I have seen you so far. Spelling was undoubtedly polished, and misses in spots ('roll' model instead of 'role' model, for example). Try getting away from the fan fics, and write something original. Take your time to tell a story over many pages, without giving everything away in the first sentence. After a great deal of trial and error, you will begin to understand what works and what doesn't. Try to write like the books you read, instead of the things you read on-line. The on-line material is written by authors who are non-professionals. That's not where you want to be in four years time. Keep working at it, and see how far your writing can improve. I look forward to reading your next submission.
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