Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction ❯ Partings ❯ Clow ( Chapter 1 )
[ P - Pre-Teen ]
By: Starlight Rose 
Yue reflects upon Clow's death and the hard time he had of accepting it and the reasons why.
Anime/Manga: Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Drama / Occult / Psychological / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 09.05.2001 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.6K | Visits: 507 | Status: Completed
Yue reflects upon Clow's death and the hard time he had of accepting it and the reasons why.
Anime/Manga: Card Captor Sakura Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Drama / Occult / Psychological / Romance | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 09.05.2001 | Pages: 1 | Words: 1.6K | Visits: 507 | Status: Completed
Partings 1: Clow
By: Starlight Rose
AIM: starlighto rose
Email: starlighto_rose@hotmail.com
Disclaimer 1: I wish I owned CCS but alas I don't own it. It's
owned by CLAMP, Kodansha, Nelvana, and maybe a few other
companies that I don't know of.
Disclaimer 2: The conversations in this chapter came from Ann's translation of manga volume ten. Her site is at:http://sakura.dreamhost.com/
A.N. There just isn't enough Yue fics out there. The only two good Yue fics I know are Shadows of the Moon by Learth and Starlight, Starbright by Ann so I decided to write my own. There's a small amount of implied shounen-ai in this chapter. BTW all the chapters can stand alone. They all deal with Yue parting with those he cares about in one form or another. Enjoy and please review or comment.
*****************************
"What is the meaning of this?" I demanded of Clow as Keroberus and I stood confronting him.
"I already told you the meaning." My master replied back calmly. All I could do was stare at him in disbelief.
"Today I die," Clow continued in his normal pleasant manner. He sat in his armchair in front of the fire as usual while Keroberus and I stood before him.
Those three words shattered the pleasant silence of the evening like a hammer smashing glass.
Glass.
That was what my heart felt like at that moment.
Shattered glass.
I couldn't comprehend Clow's death. It seemed impossibly surreal. Surely it was just another joke he was trying to play on us. Warranted a sick joke, but a joke none the less. I heard Keroberus voice my thought as he told Clow in a cold voice that even rivaled my tone, "It's not a very funny joke."
Looking apologetically at us he informed us in that unnervingly calm manner, "I'm sorry, it's not a joke Keroberus."
Still I could not understand it. How could he die? Why did he create us if he was going to die and leave us alone? It seemed like a cruel trick even for Clow. It was wrong. He couldn't die! Shaking my head in confusion I screamed at him, "Why?!?"
"It's my life span." He informed me with that damned serene smile on his face. It didn't disturb him one bit that he was dying, but it disturbed me.
Keroberus apparently didn't accept that excuse either as he whispered calmly, "You are Clow Reed, the most powerful sorcerer in the world, who can bend nature to your will. You created us and we know you best. You've lived for hundreds of years without your powers weakening."
"That may be, but every living thing must come to it's end." He informed us quietly, "Therefore, I have made preparations." Keroberus rested his head gently on the book on Clow's lap. Clow stroked his head gently in a comforting manner.
"What preparations?" Keroberus asks suspiciously. I stayed silent, not wanting to accept his death, not wanting to know.
"After I am gone you will learn to love someone else." He tells us trying to comfort our grief. He knew that we loved him, yet he was leaving us. I couldn't believe he could be so cruel! Why did he create us just to leave us? Why create conscious thinking beings that lived longer than you do and would feel the grief of your death?!? It wasn't right! I refused to accept it! I refused to accept anyone else as my master.
I told him that yelling at him with an anguished cry, "I don't need another master." That was true, I didn't need another master. I just needed Clow. Why didn't he understand that? Why did he want to leave me? Didn't he know how much I loved him?
Clow held my face tenderly in his hands and told me seriously, "Then it would be good if you decide, whether or not that person is suitable."
Turning away from him I yelled at him trying to make him understand, "There is no one suitable!" I didn't think he understood because if he did he wouldn't have asked that of me. But I was wrong. Clow understood me better than anyone, better than myself even. I knew he wanted me to be happy, but I just didn't see how I could be happy without him.
I grabbed his arm as he turned to Keroberus and told him, "Yue is partial. So please decide on a candidate, Keroberus."
Keroberus looked at him horrified. In a gruff voice he asked, "Are you serious? How can I do that?" I could understand his position. How could you choose someone else to be your master, if you loved your current one. But looking back with hindsight, Clow made a good choice giving Keroberus the role of the Candidate Selector. If I had been given that role I would have chosen no one. Keroberus loved Clow, but he was not in love with Clow like I was. He was willing to obey Clow's last wish. Even with wanting to obey Clow I don't think I could have fulfilled the role of the Candidate Selector, because to me no one would have been as good of a choice as Clow.
Clow didn't seem one bit worried about either his death or the prospect of Keroberus not finding a suitable candidate. He replied in a confident tone, "Surely they will appear. Someone you will admit as a new master."
At that time I already had made up my mind. "I don't need a new master. I will sleep in the book forever." I told him. If Clow was going to die then I did not want to live. I didn't want to feel the pain of his death. I just wanted to sleep forever like I thought he was going to. If I did that then I wouldn't have to feel the pain of losing the one I loved most. I wouldn't have to accept a new master.
Clow kissed my head gently and confessed, "Yue, Keroberus, and the Clow Cards, I poured all of my power and my heart into creating you all. Therefore, after I die, I want you to stay with your new master and be happy."
He still didn't understand though that I wanted no one else. I just wanted him. I didn't think I could be happy with someone else, but I guess Clow did know me better than anyone else. I just wished he cared more about my feelings. Then-I wished I was never created, but now-I know Clow was right. But creating me to live indefinitely was still a cruel thing to do. I don't want to live while those I loved died. The only other that can understand how truly sad it can be to lose a loved one over and over again is Keroberus. Everyone goes through losing a loved one. Even I know that, but it's not the same as losing them over and over again. I will have to experience that until the day that I lose all my power and can no longer exist, but as long as I have a master or mistress to support me I will not feel the peace of death.
He sealed me into the book where I slept for many years. Finally when I awoke I, searched for him. I still did not believe he had died, though he changed my memories. I never saw his death. He spared me that much, but in a way it might have been better if I had seen him die. It might have given me a sense of closure, though maybe not. After searching for him many years, I tired of it. Though had I known he was reborn, I would have continued searching.
I retreated into myself. I turned into my false form of Yukito and locked away Yukito's knowledge of myself. I wanted to rest and not think anymore of it. If I could have ceased to exist I would have, but I wasn't so lucky. All I could do was stay dormant in the form of Yukito, but I was still conscious of all around me. I watched everything through Yukito's eyes. But that still gave me some comfort because I was someone else. I was not myself. It relieved some of my sorrow, but never all.
I couldn't let go of Clow. Because of that I gave Sakura a harder time at her Judgement than I probably should have. Keroberus had accepted her and so had the Cards, but I refused to. It was only after finding out that Clow had planned it all and after I had been defeated that I accepted it. Even then I was hoping that in defeating me Sakura would destroy me, but she didn't. She just trapped me. She didn't want to be my mistress, but my friend. I accepted her as my mistress then, but still...I loved Clow.
I couldn't say good-bye. I never had the chance to say good-bye.
I think that's what hurt me the most. I couldn't let go until I had said good-bye. I finally could do it after meeting Clow's reincarnation. After talking to him, I was able to let go. I said my farewells to my former master silently and with much sorrow. But I finally said it. I could finally accept Clow's death.
By: Starlight Rose
AIM: starlighto rose
Email: starlighto_rose@hotmail.com
Disclaimer 1: I wish I owned CCS but alas I don't own it. It's
owned by CLAMP, Kodansha, Nelvana, and maybe a few other
companies that I don't know of.
Disclaimer 2: The conversations in this chapter came from Ann's translation of manga volume ten. Her site is at:http://sakura.dreamhost.com/
A.N. There just isn't enough Yue fics out there. The only two good Yue fics I know are Shadows of the Moon by Learth and Starlight, Starbright by Ann so I decided to write my own. There's a small amount of implied shounen-ai in this chapter. BTW all the chapters can stand alone. They all deal with Yue parting with those he cares about in one form or another. Enjoy and please review or comment.
*****************************
"What is the meaning of this?" I demanded of Clow as Keroberus and I stood confronting him.
"I already told you the meaning." My master replied back calmly. All I could do was stare at him in disbelief.
"Today I die," Clow continued in his normal pleasant manner. He sat in his armchair in front of the fire as usual while Keroberus and I stood before him.
Those three words shattered the pleasant silence of the evening like a hammer smashing glass.
Glass.
That was what my heart felt like at that moment.
Shattered glass.
I couldn't comprehend Clow's death. It seemed impossibly surreal. Surely it was just another joke he was trying to play on us. Warranted a sick joke, but a joke none the less. I heard Keroberus voice my thought as he told Clow in a cold voice that even rivaled my tone, "It's not a very funny joke."
Looking apologetically at us he informed us in that unnervingly calm manner, "I'm sorry, it's not a joke Keroberus."
Still I could not understand it. How could he die? Why did he create us if he was going to die and leave us alone? It seemed like a cruel trick even for Clow. It was wrong. He couldn't die! Shaking my head in confusion I screamed at him, "Why?!?"
"It's my life span." He informed me with that damned serene smile on his face. It didn't disturb him one bit that he was dying, but it disturbed me.
Keroberus apparently didn't accept that excuse either as he whispered calmly, "You are Clow Reed, the most powerful sorcerer in the world, who can bend nature to your will. You created us and we know you best. You've lived for hundreds of years without your powers weakening."
"That may be, but every living thing must come to it's end." He informed us quietly, "Therefore, I have made preparations." Keroberus rested his head gently on the book on Clow's lap. Clow stroked his head gently in a comforting manner.
"What preparations?" Keroberus asks suspiciously. I stayed silent, not wanting to accept his death, not wanting to know.
"After I am gone you will learn to love someone else." He tells us trying to comfort our grief. He knew that we loved him, yet he was leaving us. I couldn't believe he could be so cruel! Why did he create us just to leave us? Why create conscious thinking beings that lived longer than you do and would feel the grief of your death?!? It wasn't right! I refused to accept it! I refused to accept anyone else as my master.
I told him that yelling at him with an anguished cry, "I don't need another master." That was true, I didn't need another master. I just needed Clow. Why didn't he understand that? Why did he want to leave me? Didn't he know how much I loved him?
Clow held my face tenderly in his hands and told me seriously, "Then it would be good if you decide, whether or not that person is suitable."
Turning away from him I yelled at him trying to make him understand, "There is no one suitable!" I didn't think he understood because if he did he wouldn't have asked that of me. But I was wrong. Clow understood me better than anyone, better than myself even. I knew he wanted me to be happy, but I just didn't see how I could be happy without him.
I grabbed his arm as he turned to Keroberus and told him, "Yue is partial. So please decide on a candidate, Keroberus."
Keroberus looked at him horrified. In a gruff voice he asked, "Are you serious? How can I do that?" I could understand his position. How could you choose someone else to be your master, if you loved your current one. But looking back with hindsight, Clow made a good choice giving Keroberus the role of the Candidate Selector. If I had been given that role I would have chosen no one. Keroberus loved Clow, but he was not in love with Clow like I was. He was willing to obey Clow's last wish. Even with wanting to obey Clow I don't think I could have fulfilled the role of the Candidate Selector, because to me no one would have been as good of a choice as Clow.
Clow didn't seem one bit worried about either his death or the prospect of Keroberus not finding a suitable candidate. He replied in a confident tone, "Surely they will appear. Someone you will admit as a new master."
At that time I already had made up my mind. "I don't need a new master. I will sleep in the book forever." I told him. If Clow was going to die then I did not want to live. I didn't want to feel the pain of his death. I just wanted to sleep forever like I thought he was going to. If I did that then I wouldn't have to feel the pain of losing the one I loved most. I wouldn't have to accept a new master.
Clow kissed my head gently and confessed, "Yue, Keroberus, and the Clow Cards, I poured all of my power and my heart into creating you all. Therefore, after I die, I want you to stay with your new master and be happy."
He still didn't understand though that I wanted no one else. I just wanted him. I didn't think I could be happy with someone else, but I guess Clow did know me better than anyone else. I just wished he cared more about my feelings. Then-I wished I was never created, but now-I know Clow was right. But creating me to live indefinitely was still a cruel thing to do. I don't want to live while those I loved died. The only other that can understand how truly sad it can be to lose a loved one over and over again is Keroberus. Everyone goes through losing a loved one. Even I know that, but it's not the same as losing them over and over again. I will have to experience that until the day that I lose all my power and can no longer exist, but as long as I have a master or mistress to support me I will not feel the peace of death.
He sealed me into the book where I slept for many years. Finally when I awoke I, searched for him. I still did not believe he had died, though he changed my memories. I never saw his death. He spared me that much, but in a way it might have been better if I had seen him die. It might have given me a sense of closure, though maybe not. After searching for him many years, I tired of it. Though had I known he was reborn, I would have continued searching.
I retreated into myself. I turned into my false form of Yukito and locked away Yukito's knowledge of myself. I wanted to rest and not think anymore of it. If I could have ceased to exist I would have, but I wasn't so lucky. All I could do was stay dormant in the form of Yukito, but I was still conscious of all around me. I watched everything through Yukito's eyes. But that still gave me some comfort because I was someone else. I was not myself. It relieved some of my sorrow, but never all.
I couldn't let go of Clow. Because of that I gave Sakura a harder time at her Judgement than I probably should have. Keroberus had accepted her and so had the Cards, but I refused to. It was only after finding out that Clow had planned it all and after I had been defeated that I accepted it. Even then I was hoping that in defeating me Sakura would destroy me, but she didn't. She just trapped me. She didn't want to be my mistress, but my friend. I accepted her as my mistress then, but still...I loved Clow.
I couldn't say good-bye. I never had the chance to say good-bye.
I think that's what hurt me the most. I couldn't let go until I had said good-bye. I finally could do it after meeting Clow's reincarnation. After talking to him, I was able to let go. I said my farewells to my former master silently and with much sorrow. But I finally said it. I could finally accept Clow's death.