Case Closed Fan Fiction ❯ Orbital Query ❯ There is Others Out Here ( Chapter 4 )

     The night was no easier for Ai Haibara. She had spent the entire evening and early morning contemplating what she would do when (not if) that dreaded time came around. She was far more pessimistic than Kudo. Though she chose to see it as being realistic. Being the one most familiar with its current progress, she had far less hope for their odds at finding a cure. She knew anything she made without knowledge of the drug's formula was a crap-shoot at best. If it worked at all, it would likely be only temporary.

     Despite also being tired from lack of sleep, she found herself restless for most of the following Sunday. When stumped with a problem of some kind, she would typically either coop herself up in her lab and drown herself in her work; or she would go out for a walk and visit the outside world. Which one she chose usually depended on which one was frustrating her most. So, as it was matters of science causing her stress, she went out for a walk in the hopes of clearing her head. She found herself in the park, near the very spot she'd had the realization that was causing them all this grief.

     Maybe I should have just sealed myself in the lab... Haibara thought to herself. The reminder of this mess was not what she needed. Still, she wouldn't go home yet. While she couldn't fault Dr. Agasa for wanting them to avoid any potentially rash behavior, she was furious at him and didn't feel like being around him at the moment.

     She was equally glad Kudo didn't seem to be around. She knew his choice would be easy. She knew he'd choose to hold out hope for as long as possible. Even if it meant death in the end. Haibara was more concerned with her own self-preservation than he was. Even if a true cure could be discovered, could she... no... would she take it?

     The Black Organization knew she was alive. They knew she was around somewhere. They didn't know that she was in a child's body. The fact was, her current condition was the best disguise she could have asked for. As much as she wanted to be normal again, to be herself; if she returned to being Shiho Miyano once more, that near-perfect disguise would be lost to her forever. She'd have nothing to look forward to if she became normal again except a significantly higher chance of being found and killed.

     Haibara groaned to herself. She hated these types of situations. Before all this, she hadn't had half the difficulty she did now. She'd had Akemi. Even if she didn't have any useful advice, her sister was always a good source of moral support. Something she'd needed more and more the deeper she became engrossed in the Black Organization's APTX-4869 project.

     "And then they took her..." Haibara muttered lightly to herself, "Oneechan... what would you tell me... if you were here?"

     "Ai-chan?"

 &nb sp;   Haibara jumped a bit at the sound of her name. She looked to the source of the voice and saw Ayumi Yoshida standing before her. Mitsuhiko and Genta were nowhere to be seen. Like Haibara, she was likely here on her own.

     "Yoshida-san." Haibara said with a nod of greeting. She said nothing about the use of "Ai-chan." While it irked her coming from most, she understood Ayumi did it out of no greater desire than to make Haibara feel more included in the little band of friends she had formed with the boys. Out of respect, and even some appreciation, for that fact, she didn't discourage the "younger" girl from using it.

     "Um... are you okay, Ai-chan?" Ayumi asked, a hint of concern in her voice, "You were grumbling and talking to yourself a bit just now."

     Haibara hadn't fully realized she was acting out her frustrations until just then. She so often schooled her emotions to a nearly perfect cool exterior that it was first nature. She preferred to avoid instigating and, as a result, experiencing the concern of others

     "I'm fine, Yoshida-san." she said, making a conscious effort to force down her conflicting emotions. Unfortunately, Ayumi proved difficult to fool. She looked at Haibara, the disbelief in her eyes clear.

     "I said I'm fine." Haibara insisted, a bit of irritation creeping into her voice.

     "Then why are you so upset?"

     "What makes you think I'm upset!"

     "Well, there's that you're talking to yourself! But what really shows you're troubled is that you're visiting the park and you're not even playing on anything!"

     "I rarely go to any of the park's amenities." Haibara retorted, "You usually have to drag me along."

     "True." Ayumi conceded, trying to match Haibara's more adult tone of voice, "But, even when we drag you along, you seem like you enjoy yourself a little. And you're sure not enjoying yourself right now!"

     Haibara had no retort to that statement. She would admit (if only to herself) that her time with the grade schoolers provided an enjoyable distraction at times. But she found it hard to believe Ayumi had picked up on that fact. She silently cursed Shinichi Kudo for teaching these kids how to spot such details.

     "Fine... if you must know, I'm concerned with a dilemma... one I don't feel like talking about!" she replied.

     "A dilemma?" Ayumi asked.

     "I just said, I don-"

     "No, what's 'dilemma' mean?"

     "Oh..." Haibara said. She often found it easier to talk to the Detective Boys like she would anybody else. She hated having to dumb herself down for others for any reason. Though, with the kids, it did occasionally cause these kinds of misunderstandings.

     "A dilemma is a problem, a decision of some kind usually, where none of the available options are neither completely good, nor completely bad."

     "Oh, okay." Ayumi replied.

     "Not going to ask me what it is?" Haibara asked.

     "You said you weren't gonna talk about it." Ayumi answered simply. Haibara was relieved. At least the other girl would respect her wishes. She knew Kudo would try and get her to talk.

     "So, wanna play something?" Ayumi asked.

     "No. I'd rather just walk for right now."

     "Mind if I join you?"

     Haibara neither agreed nor objected. They walked side by side for several minutes. Haibara smiled inwardly as it was clear Ayumi wanted to know what was troubling her, and trying badly to hide it. It touched her that Ayumi was concerned enough to worry and yet enough of a friend to leave Haibara alone if she wished it.

     Haibara said nothing as they walked. Actually, she was wondering if a second opinion would help. Though, obviously, she couldn't tell the whole truth, she thought hard on a way of explaining this to her friend.

     "I... I may have to move away soon..."

     "What?!" Ayumi exclaimed, surprised by the sudden statement.

     "However, the choice on whether or not to do so is completely mine to make. That's the dilemma..."

     "Is the place you might move to somewhere you really want to go?"

     "Yes. It's something I've looked forward to for a long time now. But, I may have to choose between going and staying her. And I'm not completely sure I should do it after all."

     

   &n bsp; "Why not?"

     "Well... it's mostly practical, I suppose. Considering what I can expect here and what I can there. Thinking of which would really be best."

     True enough. As Shiho Miyano, her life expectancy would likely be cut very short. She also would have nowhere to go. She wouldn't dare remain at Dr. Agasa's if she returned to normal. It had never been her plan to endanger him so. Especially with all he had done for her.

     That left Haibara wondering, Why even worry about changing back at all?

     The answer was simple, if not very practical.

     Because it's my body! I want to be myself again...

     Unfortunately, that wish would surely get her killed.

     As Ai Haibara, her safety was relatively more assured. She had others who were actually concerned with her well being. She looked to Ayumi, who had remained silent since Haibara had spoken up. It was, in practical terms, the choice she was better off making.

     But am I better off? Could I truly give up my old self for being safe just a little longer?

     The choice should be so simple. And yet...

     "Ai-chan?"

 &nb sp;   "Yes?"

     "Well, maybe, instead of thinking about what would be best, maybe you should think about what would make you happy."

     Happy? Right... Haibara thought. She hadn't felt much to be happy about in the last year. Not much ever, really. Shiho Miyano's life hadn't been one of happiness. She had been put to work on her parents' pet project as early as was possible. The only truly happy memories she had were those shared with Akemi. The times the Miyano sisters could come together, even for a brief while, before "Sherry" would be sent back to the labs to work on the Black Organization's wonder drug.

     Haibara stopped walking. Ayumi took a few steps before realizing her friend had stopped. Haibara looked at her, somewhat in wonder. Ayumi asked what was wrong.

     "Nothing..." Haibara answered, "It's just... a moment ago, I was asking myself what my... what my oneechan would tell me, if she were here now. And, well, what you just said, that's probably not far off."

     "Really?" Ayumi asked.

     "Yeah. I think that, if I consulted her about such a choice, she'd tell me to do much the same thing. She wouldn't want me to choose something that might not be good for me just because I want it. Nor would she want me to decide based solely on what's most practical, regardless of whether I want it or not."

     She looked to Ayumi, who seemed to be understanding what Haibara was saying.

     "Like you, she'd suggest I go for what would make me happy..."

     Ayumi smiled at what was clearly meant as a compliment towards her.

     "Only now, I'm left to wonder what would make me happy."

     She chuckled a bit. She'd mostly solved one dilemma, only to wind up with another one entirely.

     "I think I'll head off, now." Haibara said as she turned to leave.

     "Going home?" Ayumi asked as she watched her friend walk.

     "Yes. I need to talk to Doctor Agasa about something."

     "Did you figure out that dilemma thing?"

     "Not completely. But, I think I'm on the way to figuring out a choice."

     "That's good. Oh, Ai-chan...?"

     "Yes?" Haibara asked, turning back to face the other girl.

     "Well... that is... I know this is selfish an' all, but..."

     "Hm?" Haibara raised an eyebrow in curiosity.

     "Well, I hope you don't go anywhere." Ayumi said, "I don't want you to go."

     Haibara smiled. A rare occurrence, but one that was warranted, in this case.

     "Bye." Haibara said.

     "Bye-bye." Ayumi said with a cheerful wave.

     Yoshida-san... Haibara thought, Thanks. I think I might know what will make me happy now.