Dragon Ball/Z/GT Fan Fiction / Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction / Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction / Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction / Fan Fiction / Crossover Fan Fiction ❯ Ginga GIRI GIRI! The Universe is in Danger! ❯ The Lord of the Spatulas ( Chapter 54 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

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Ginga GIRI GIRI! The Universe is in Danger!
By SSJ Heero (http://animenext.knorf.net)
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- OPENING SONG: That song that always plays at the beginning of Lord of the Rings -

---- Recap ----

[Chibi characters of the six appear in the foreground as scenes from the last episode play
in the background. Though, you can't see 'cause this is text. Haha!]

SSJ: LAST TIME! On GINGA GIRI GIRI! Kino's really freaking pissed.

Amiko: We would have ditched July City, but Cindy was so insistent on going there.

Kensou: So she went alone while we fought Team Voldemort.

TM: Voldemort and his compadres are taken away by lawyers and Cindy fights Knives.

Davis: Knives is beaten and digested by that thing the Witchking rides.

Cindy: So now, on with the show! Major plot stuff AHOY!

---- Chapter 54: The Lord of the Spatulas ----

Middle Earth was quite an unpleasant place that day. I mean, with the people being
subjugated by Czar-King-Grand-Overlord Sauron, the Revived, all days were quite unpleasant.
You see, back in Chapter 35, the author here revealed Sauron had the One Ring, correct?
Logically, then, he gained it back and returned to power, subjugating Middle Earth with his
army of orcs.

Indeed, that was what happened, and in one paragraph, you learned what it took years for
Sauron to accomplish. Enough of backstory, but take notes, for there'll be a test tomorrow.

Anyway, Middle Earth was a quiet and solemn place all over. Rohan and Gondor were nicely
subjugated and its peoples were censored and such, but allowed to move about the country.
That was how they heard of it. They heard the cries of the Witchking as it sailed across
the sky, Eastward towards Barad-Dur, the Dark Tower.

Its cries were heard by Sauron, who sat in his tower awaiting news. When the Witchking came
with news of Knives, Sauron once again was dismayed. Knives was the only loyal Ender, the
one who hadn't been tainted by power. Sure, he was psychopathic and hated all humans, but
neither Sauron nor Rantmon were truly human, so it worked out. "Damn," Sauron swore. "It
all relies on me to do Rantmon's will... I have to be Rantmon's hand."

He turned to the Witchking, who provided him with other news, "They have touched upon the
edge of the Western Lands of Middle Earth."

Sauron nodded. His turn was up. His task to bring the Five to Rantmon had to be
accomplished. He waved the Witchking off, and the King of the Nazgul left through the
window atop the Dark Tower.

Sauron turned to the middle of his room atop Barad-Dur. Right in the center was the
Palantir. He put his hand on it and called in his mind, "Rantmon..." His mind was sucked
in. He saw the visions flying across. The sights and environments sped past him, stretched
like thin hairs as he sped towards Rantmon's palace. He then saw his visions slow. He
stopped in Rantmon's throne room. He saw himself standing within Sauron's throne room, the
room blurred and shaded with a film of black. He was in the Rantmon's own Palantir.

The first thing he saw was the Rood Inverse above the floor and throne. Four of the
elemental circles had a crystal floating within them. 'That's four Gods sealed,' Sauron
thought, in case anyone didn't get it. 'Two more and his plan will go even faster.'

Then he heard footsteps. He turned his head and saw Rantmon standing there by the large
double doors. "Sauron," said Rantmon. "What compels you to talk to me?"

"Those children," he answered.

Rantmon just replied before Sauron got to explain, "Yes, I know they have defeated Knives.
I feel remorseful, Sauron, that my elite Enders have been dwindled to one. But, we must
move forward."

"Yes, sir. But, I think that it would be difficult to defeat them as a whole. When
together, they have overcome every obstacle presented to them."

Rantmon rubbed his chin in thought. His gaze averted to the ground. He was silent for a
bit, and then he agreed without looking up, "Yes, that is true. Do you suggest something?"

"Would it not be wise to open a few Gates here and there to disperse them throughout Middle
Earth?"

Rantmon looked up at the Palantir. He smiled and said, "Good idea, Sauron." Sauron grinned
from where he stood.

***

Meanwhile, there was a particular hill in Middle Earth. This was no ordinary hill, mind
you, or else the author wouldn't be writing about it. It has been the site of a great
battle, namely the Battle of Pelenor Fields. Indeed, it has seen many battles, but not like
one about to befall it.

Until then, there was a clop, clop, clop that was coming over the hill. Clop, clop, clop
like the hooves of several horses. It began softly, building up a crescendo until finally
reaching its climax. Over the hill came fourteen people, not riding horses at all but half
were in proper equestrian posture, none the less. (As pictured in the cinematic
masterpiece, Monty Python and the Holy Grail).

The Outlaws, seven strong, were in the front, holding their hands out as the seven people
behind, all of them their bishounen and bishoujo, happily clapped coconut shells together.

They traveled through the land this way, with the shortest one, Davis, carrying the boat
within his bishoujo's waiting room. Indeed, they were now burdened with carrying their bags
now, but it made them sort of feel like they were weight training.

In any case, they reached Gondor; it was waiting for them, almost. "Whoa!" said SSJ to them
all. They all stopped as SSJ looked up the giant wall to see a sentry waiting for them. The
sentry was about to demand the purpose of the coconuts, but to save the trouble, holes
suddenly appeared in the air. The Crew were taken aback to see the familiar white shafts
again, well, SSJ, Amiko, and TM were familiar with them after Chapter 13.

One by one, they were pulled into one as the winds got out of hand. Cindy and Vash flew
into one that closed right after. TM and Claire flew into another one. Davis and Rikku
disappeared in a third. Amiko held onto Kensou, but together they were dragged into the
final one with Kamui. That left a distraught SSJ, Momo, and Tenten standing there by the
gates of Gondor. "What the Hell just happened?!" SSJ yelled.

"Everyone... They're gone..." Momo could not say anymore. It was just her and SSJ. With how
crazy things were getting, she didn't know SSJ alone would be able to protect her. She
turned to SSJ as he looked up at the sky.

'Damn!' SSJ cursed in his mind. 'Why now of all times?!' He then turned to Momo, who he saw
was troubled. "Don't worry, I'll try to protect you."

Momo was silent. She looked at SSJ's eyes as she repeated, "Try?"

SSJ looked towards the gates as he said, "I don't want to make promises I can't keep..."
She saw that he was troubled as well. Still, she nodded as he turned to the sentry. He
yelled, "So, how about letting us in?"

The sentry yelled back, "First off, where'd you get the coconuts?!"

"JUST LET US IN, BEREGOND!"

***

Later that day, Cindy awoke in a nicely furnished bed. She was surprised, too, because it
wasn't a regularly sized bed; she was much too large for it. 'It couldn't be,' she thought.
She had awakened to the smell of pancakes, the whole house seemed to have that smell. She
sat up in the bed, and consequently smacked her head into the ceiling.

Her thoughts were confirmed. She was in a hobbit hole. She sighed and shoved off the bed,
only to smack her head on the ceiling again. She muttered swears and such as she crouched
her way through the doors, eventually making it to the kitchen to see Frodo cooking. And
boy, did she see Frodo cooking.

Flames were coming from the pan, pancakes frying as Frodo struggled to flip them over. She
heard him mutter, "This spatula is good for nothing! Why'd you give it to me, Bilbo?!"

She heard Bilbo call in reply from elsewhere in the house, "Well, if you won't use it, just
give it away to someone, then!"

Frodo did just that. He caught sight of Cindy and said, "Well, I hope you're all right."

Cindy nodded in reply. She then saw the flames shoot out of the pan before saying, "It just
caught the curtains."

Frodo turned his head. "Ah!" he yelped as he rushed to put it out. Cindy sweatdropped as he
had to yank off the curtains and throw the thing into a barrel full of water. Cindy finally
said, "Maybe I should cook for you."

Frodo nodded and handed her the spatula. "I don't need it," he replied as he walked away.
But just before he left, he finally remembered his manners and turned back to her, "Sorry.
My name is Frodo Baggins and I found you just outside the Shire. I hope you're all right."

"I am," Cindy said back as she began making her own pancakes. It was just then she caught
sight of the spatula. It was gold. A golden spatula?! 'WHO IN HIS RIGHT MIND WOULD MAKE A
GOLDEN SPATULA?!' she yelled in her thoughts. Still, she was surprised that even though it
was all metal, it didn't conduct heat. She was glad of that as she made her pancakes and
set them on a plate.

Frodo clapped his hands. "Amazing," he said. "You didn't once make it catch on fire!"

Cindy smiled and appraised the spatula. She looked at the spatula, and then noticed
something. On the bottom of the flat side, she saw writing suddenly appear on the spatula.
It glowed red like fire and shown clearly. It was much like the writing on the One Ring.

Suddenly, the front door shook with a tremendous knocking. Frodo dashed away to the door as
Cindy picked up her plate and began eating her very delicious pancakes. She walked to the
door to see Gandalf rush in to Frodo. "Do you still have it?" Gandalf demanded.

"Gandalf?" Frodo said in surprise. "Don't you remember Sauron took the r-"

"Not that!" Gandalf interrupted as he began searching the house. "The other artifact you
got."

"What, the spatula?"

"Precisely!" Gandalf proclaimed. "Where is it?!"

Cindy finished her pancakes then and replied, "What, do you mean this?" Gandalf turned to
her, noticing her for the first time.

He jumped back in surprise, smacking his head into the ceiling. Such was quite out of
character already, but he saw two shocks at the same moment. He saw the spatula, which was
in the hand of one of the most wanted girls in the land! Though, not wanted for being cute,
even if she was since all heroines are cute, but for being part of the Five. "Yes!" he
answered. "There it is!"

He went to Cindy, who handed over the spatula for him to inspect the writing. "It says," he
began to read off, "'One spatula to rule them all. One spatula to find them. One spatula to
bring them all and in the darkness bind them'... There's also an errata, hastily printed
on, 'Seekers of this spatula, return to the Dark Tower of Arrrghhh...'"

Cindy and Frodo blinked. "What?!" Frodo uttered.

Gandalf repeated, "The Dark Tower of Arrrghhh..." He even added his head slowly sinking for
maximum effect.

"What is this?!" Cindy asked.

"He must have died while carving it," Gandalf logically deduced.

"That's stupid!" Cindy remarked. "If he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered carving 'argh'
into the spatula! He'd just say it!"

"Well, that's what was carved," Gandalf said as he handed the spatula back to Cindy. He
then explained, "Listen, you have in your hands one of the most powerful artifacts of the
Old World. Before his first war, he had to build an army, correct? As they say, 'the
quickest way to a man's heart is through is stomach,' and that is exactly what he did. He
created the One Spatula in order to secure his minions and build his army."

"What?!" Frodo said in disbelief. "Does it have mind control abilities or what?!"

"No, it just makes the best pancakes in the universe. I've tried some myself, and if I had
gotten them every day, I'd have gladly followed him." That made Cindy and Frodo quite
uncomfortable. "But anyway, his Nine are moving again. We must escape fast, for he is not
only searching for the Five, including you, Cindy, but also for that Spatula. He'll seek
you first."

"What?!" Cindy groaned. "Why me?"

"Because not only are you the one rumored to have killed half of the Enders (news travels
quickly, I know), but he needs to gain an even larger followship with that Spatula. His
Orcs have multiplied. His fortress of Barad-Dur is rebuilt in the land of Mordor. Sauron
needs only this Spatula to cover all the lands with a second darkness. He is seeking it,
seeking it, all his thought is bent on it. The Spatula yearns to go home, to return to the
hand of its Master. They are one, the Spatula and the Dark Lord. Cindy, he must never find
it."

Cindy sighed, "But I just woke up! Can't this wait for tomorrow or something?"

"No!" Gandalf said back. "We must go!" He then turned to Frodo, "Give her one of those
elven cloaks, she'll need to be hidden from sight." Frodo did so and donned his own cloak
like he was in his glorious days. Suddenly, Gandalf told them to be quiet. They hushed as
Gandalf reached past the window and pulled Samwise out of the bushes. Confound it, that had
been the second time in his life he had done that. "If you wanted to go along, you could
have just ASKED, Samwise Gamgee!"

There was no quiet leaving that day. Even under the watchful eye of a couple hundred orcs,
Cindy and Gandalf were riding off on a raft with Frodo, Sam, Meriadoc, and Peregrin tagging
along. So much for stealth when a party wanted to follow you! They were glad, though, after
the fifth time they had been sighted, that Cindy was a very good shot.

They crossed the Brandywine River and made their way through the grass and forests. They
trekked over hills past bogs and made their way to the town of Bree.

Bree had seen better days, this author can assure you that! As Orcs tramped through the
town in search of traitors to Sauron, there was one boy who should have been keeping
himself quiet. But, no, the boy with brown hair and aqua eye could hardly contain himself
as he downed yet another glass of rum and held it up to the bartender, "I nidsomoa!"
(Subtitles: "I need some more!")

Butterbur looked at the kid as he filled another bottle. He then looked at the kid and
asked, "Are you sure you're over twenty? You don't seem like it."

"OFCURSE! I shuld no mai pwn ege!" ("OF COURSE! I should no own age!")

"Did you just say 'pwn'?! Are you some 1337-er or something?"

"Jusshutup 'n' leeve me alon!" he drunkenly spat back as he downed the glass again. ("Just
shut up and leave me alone!")

That was enough for Barliman. He was about to seek his men on the kid, but then the door
busted open. It opened with a slam as a figure was seen silhouetted in the light from
outside. The boy, obviously TM, turned his pink face towards the figure and saw what it was.

It was a Nazgul, off his horse with his sword ready to cut through TM. He heard the Nazgul
growl, "Sauron demands you."

TM drunkenly sighed and in a haze stepped off the stool he was sitting on. He swayed as he
stood, waving this way and that as he saw the Nine just before him. There was only one,
though, but when you're drunk you can't really tell, you know? TM just replied, "Ai dunt
want no trubble!" ("I don't want no trouble!") And then he raised his fists and added,
"Yu're jus gunna hafta givup!" ("You're just going to have to give up!")

The Nazgul growled. He raised his black blade towards TM. TM swayed this way and that as he
struggled to keep balance. One of them had to move first. TM took the first step and dashed
forward at the Nazgul. His cloak was suddenly flying away in cool anime fashion as he sped
forward. He pulled back a fist and let it fly at the Nazgul, too slow to dodge TM's attack.

He flew back through the door as TM sprinted after him. The Nazgul was taken aback as he
tried to stab TM. He failed as TM dodged this way and that with no clear pattern. He was
drunk, after all. He was hit in the chest, hit in the gut, hit in the face, and finally
with a palm, TM knocked the Nazgul up into the air. Everyone was taken aback. TM was a
natural user of drunken boxing!

The Nazgul painfully landed down the street as TM kept his fists up. He wasn't even tired!
The Nazgul got to his feet and then faced TM. He just said, "No man can defeat me."

CRASH! Thunder rolled in the area. The skies suddenly darkened and began pouring rain like
an episode of Ranma ½. It was as if Fate was having a hand in it. The Nazgul was taken
aback as the rain fell upon TM, causing him to change into Spinel yet again. TM's body then
chose a great time to sober up.

It was at that time that the sound of coconuts were heard in the distance. TM turned his
small black head about to follow the gaze of the Nazgul, and there was Cindy in proper
equestrian form, as well as Gandalf and the hobbits. They were followed by Cindy's
husbands; Vash, Trunks, and Sano, who were clapping coconuts together for the effect.

"Oh," TM yelled, "Good to see you again, Cindy!"

Cindy then spotted TM in the dark street. It was quite hard to see him, since he was black.
She then replied, "We were separated for just a day... And what are you doing fighting a
Ringwraith?!"

TM just muttered, "Tch. He challenged me... I think. I don't know, I was drunk at the
time." Cindy sighed as TM looked at the Nazgul. "No man can kill you, huh? Too bad for you
that I'm a man only ONE HALF OF THE TIME!"

He then did it for the first time. He changed into his fell Spinel Sun form. The Nazgul was
taken by surprise as TM dashed forward at the black cloak figured.

The Ringwraith lifted his sword to block the blow. The cat-like TM pulled back his head and
bellowed out a wave of energy. The Nazgul blocked and let out a slash at TM. TM was fast,
switching back to his smaller form to barely miss the edge.

Suddenly, he was behind the Nazgul. The Nazgul suddenly realized it when the sun came out
again and he saw a shadow behind. He turned around and saw TM in his full Spinel form
again, claws out. TM yelled, "Crimson Blade - Mascot Version!"

TM was on the other side of the Nazgul. He had slashed straight through, apparently, and
stood there in a really cool pose. Well, as cool as he could when in that form, anyway. The
Nazgul stood, frozen in place. Finally, the low budget anime effects kicked in, and X's
tore through the dead king. He let out a final gasp and scream as he realized what was
happening.

His form melted. A storm tore through his black cloak as the scream filled the area. Glass
shattered as he finally let out his last breath and faded from the world. One down, eight
to go!

Suddenly, he was burning. He yelped and yelled in pain as boiling water was poured onto
him. He reverted back to his old self and turned around to glare at Cindy. He saw her with
a pan, taken from the Prancing Pony. "Good job, TM!" Cindy cheered.

TM still glared at Cindy. "It just needs to be hot, not boiling."

"It was faster, since it was already boiled," Cindy explained as she handed the pot back to
Barliman Butterbur. "And if you wanted it just hot, you'd have had to wait a while."

TM kept silent as he and Cindy stood there in the streets of Bree. The streets seemed to be
empty. Emptier than usual. And damn it, it was just then they realized the people were
hiding. Orcs suddenly were at every corner of the street.

"Oh," Cindy said. "Damn it." She then turned to Gandalf and the hobbits, "Why didn't any of
you warned me of this?!"

"We DID!" Gandalf yelled back. "You were just too distracted by your husbands!"

Cindy kept silent then, looking at Vash, Sano, and Trunks as if to say, "Was I really like
that?" Vash and company truthfully nodded.

It was then they saw TM say, "No matter. It's just like the Crazy 88."

One of the orcs growled back, "Right on the ball, Outlaw. We are the Crazy 88." TM
sweatdropped and was confused at that. The same orc explained, "After that woman killed us
all, Saruman took it into his power to transform us into orcs and voila! Crazy 88 in
superior orc form!" TM couldn't imagine that. The scene suddenly turned black and white. TM
drew his sword to face the orcs, armed with scimitars, spears, crossbows, Hilary Duff,
whatever.

Metal clashed. Swords broke. TM's sword was made of the finest materials, being Hiko's
sword and all, while the other orcs had mass produced swords from Mordor. Blood flew
everywhere was orcs were impaled, torn to pieces, cleaved, decapitated, dismembered, and
over all not having a very fun time. Perhaps it was because their weaponry was cheap and
weak, a telltale sign of evil corner-cutting construction used by embezzling corporate
executives (this one being Sauron).

An orc ran to TM, sword raised high. TM didn't raise his own. He quickly thrust his hand
out and pulled out the thing's eye in a rather humorous fashion. However, it was still
connected to the brain, now a long string after going through the socket. "Damn," TM swore,
"I've got to perfect that."

And he went back to the bloody gory massacre of the orcs. One by one, they were taken down,
until just a few were left. TM blinked. Color suddenly returned to the area. Cindy looked
about, surprised by the change. "What just happened?" Cindy asked.

"Someone was messing with the color button on the camera," Sam said.

"Either that, or the author wants to keep this story PG-13," Frodo rationalized.

"Or do you suppose he was doing a poor attempt at satirizing something?" Merry asked. And
the four hobbits sat there and thought about it as TM slashed off the leg of the last orc.
They were left in the middle of destruction. Blood was everywhere from the orcs. The ones
still alive lay groaning, unable to move since they lost a leg or an arm.

There came a deep growl after the battle, "You think that's enough?!" TM and Cindy turned
to the source, seeing an Uruk-Hai standing there with its bow and arrows. "Saruman will see
your destruction!" A distinctive alert signal rang through the area. Suddenly, the screen
turned red and flashed bright and dark. Man, the author was having too much fun parodying
Kill Bill.

Cindy stepped up to TM to face the Uruk-Hai. The hobbits cowered behind Gandalf, who stood
back to see the battle. "Okay, Cindy," TM began. "He's all-"

"I'm not doing this on my own," Cindy interrupted. TM frowned. "You're helping me." TM just
kept silent, not wanting to invoke her wrath.

"I just killed eighty-eight Orcs," he muttered an excuse.

Gandalf then cut in before they argued, "There weren’t really eighty-eight of them; they
just call themselves the Crazy 88."

TM scratched the back of his neck, his excuse suddenly failing. "How come?"

"I don't know. I guess they thought it sounded 'cool'." TM just glared at Gandalf for
destroying his excuse. He and Cindy then turned to face the Uruk-Hai.

"Fine," he agreed. "We'll take him down together." He then wiped his blade clean using a
handkerchief from a random passerby. "Let's make this short," he said to Cindy. Cindy
nodded.

TM dashed at the Uruk-Hai and aimed a slash straight at it. It dodged and was about to dock
an arrow, but then a bullet struck its quiver. It turned and saw Cindy dashing straight at
it. It then felt another thing behind it again. It turned and there was TM, Rasengan ready
in his hand. It turned back to Cindy, and saw her holding out her fan. It then turned to
the camera. "Shit," it said as its last line.

[The following seen was removed by GGG's censor, for it was deemed too violent for ANYONE
to read. Hell, even Satan would have felt sickened by what happened. The publishers of this
novel would like to make it known that Quinton Tarentino and all of SSJ Heero's inspiration
have hereby been sacked.]

TM and Cindy stood by the mangled body of the Uruk-Hai. TM admired their work and
proclaimed, "Nothing can stop us!"

"Oh, nothing, indeed," said a voice. TM turned and saw the handkerchief he took being taken
back by random passerby he stole it from. He then finally caught a good look at the guy's
face, and was surprised to see the familiar eyes and hair. It was Strider, Aragorn,
Elessar, Man of Many Names!

But TM didn't know that as he yelled, "Hey! It's that guy from Hidalgo!" Everyone on the
scene facefaulted. But now, the first players were met. Aragorn joined the already full
party, but it was of little matter. They knew where they were going: Rivendell, to seek
help for how to dispose of the One Spatula.

And so began the illustrious tale that would be told throughout the ages. Thus began... The
Lord of the Spatulas.

---- To Be Continued ----

- ENDING SONG: Kouzou Kaikaku - Do As Infinity [1] -

Dakara amai yume mirun ja nai dekinain dakara
Ichi to juu dake o mitsumete wa niyakete iru dake
Kantan na houteishiki sae tokenain ja nai
NYUANSU dake wakatta tsumori sorawarai sasete

Keikaku sei mo naku hita hashiri ikikire shite iru
Ishibashi wo tataite kowashite JITABATA odotte
Amari ni mo kokkei na sugata mite wa irarenai
Mesaki no koto bakari katazuke TSUBO mo wakarazu ni

BAKA na FURI itsumade shite sono VEERU hayaku nugina yo
Hontou no anata misete yarikirenai ima no mama ja

---- Preview ----

[The Naruto Main Theme plays in background. The six appear as chibi style, and random
scenes from the next episode play, though you can't see because this is text. Haha!]

Amiko: SSJ! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY PRECIOUS "LORD OF THE RINGS"?!

SSJ: It was sorta boring in GGG, so I spruced it up a little.

Amiko: A LITTLE?! THERE'S A MAGICAL SPATULA FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

(So the two continued arguing as the rest carried the preview.)

Kensou: So, next! On GINGA GIRI GIRI! Cindy and TM's party heads to Rivendell to seek news
of the Spatula and to find out their task.

Cindy: We head off past the Mines of Moria and consequently meet Amiko in Lothlorien, after
she journeyed with the elves from Mirkwood.

Davis: They then head for Mordor... Perhaps. Depends on how long it gets before that.

TM: Anyway, NEXT! On GINGA GIRI GIRI! "The Fellowship of the Spatula"

----

Author's Note:

[1] I couldn't think of a song for LotR, so I chose another D-A-I song. Yep.