Dragon Knights Fan Fiction ❯ Steal The Covers ❯ Alfeegi ( Chapter 7 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

I limped down the corridor - my shoes were pinching my feet and I didn't know why. I briefly wondered if someone had slipped into my room and replaced them with a pair a half size smaller. Lifting up a trouser leg, I glanced at the shoe and realised that my socks were mauve. I never wear purple socks. A surreptitious touch revealed that they were also extra chunky - just like his. How could I have put on his socks and not have noticed? Even when he's not around he causes problems.

I tramped up to the guards on duty at the Great Hall and snapped at them, "where's the Dragonlord?"

The one on the left - they're completely interchangeable - straightened up and barked out a reply. "Sir, he's with the lady, Raseleane, sir!"

That meant that I couldn't disturb them, which gained Lefty a glare, before I stomped off again. Asking after Lykouleon was a habit, but I really wanted to talk to Raseleane. I just needed to complain to someone about how selfish that... that brat was and she gives the best ear.

I couldn't talk to Ruwalk, or Tetheus. Cernozura was a possibility, but she could mention it in her diary and I know that Thatz reads it: he tells everyone the juicy bits. I would talk it over with Kai-Stern, but he'd make fun of me and I'd get angry and frustrated and end up bringing myself down. I want to feel better, not worse.

Raseleane, why'd you have to be busy?

My feet led me around the castle until Kai-Stern bumped into me on the stairs. He held a bundle of clean clothing and a resigned expression on his face. It's never polite to pick at people when they're down, but sometimes it makes you feel better and that's when they're less inclined to fight back.

"Off on holiday?" I said in a jaunty fashion.

He sighed and replied softly, "I never get to stay long, do I?"

Then he fixed me with sad, white eyes and I felt really bad about attempting to take my frustrations out on him.

"Still, you'll get some peace once I'm gone."

That hurt. I complain about him, a lot, but that's when he returns, not when he leaves! In fact, him leaving means that another superbly written fictional account of his journey will end up on my desk, full of the wonders of where-ever he's been to, heavy on local colour and light on the details of his mission.

"Sometimes I wish that I wasn't so good at my job that they couldn't do without me for even a single day," I responded sweetly. Yes it was petty. That's my response mechanism. I never scored in charming class: Ruwalk sweeps past me on charisma; and Kai-Stern gets to do whatever he wants, lording about the country, free as a bird and spending the kingdom's money as though he was the Dragonlord. I've only been given one diplomatic mission in all my time as a Dragon Officer. It was to Luwa and it rained the entire time.

I left while the last bit of spare sympathy I had was still hiding. The rest was too busy feeling sorry for me to waste any time on him. He got to travel the world. I was stuck in this cold and draughty castle.

After a meaningless trip around the castle I ended up back in my room, lying on my bed and thinking about my lover. Thoughts and memories swam around and around: one of many days in the gardens when neither of us were sure about the other's intentions; the moment where I first realised that I loved him; trapped under a tree during a rainstorm that turned thundery, so we had to flee, wet and complaining back to the castle; a drunken kiss during a festival; a vicious fight during a crisis; a night spent looking at his chest rise and fall.

I wondered what that meant. I wasn't the sort to fantasise about my lovers, since whenever I thought of them, I went to them. I pulled my pillow from its nest beneath the covers - undoing someone's careful work - held it tightly and continued to ponder. We hadn't been together long, but as the sun faltered in the sky, I realised the last time I'd spent so long reliving a liaison: it was how I felt the day before I broke up with Ruwalk. It was the moment where you realise that your lives aren't meant to be spent together. It's when you realise that the passion you felt, the flutter in your stomach, was only temporary. It's when you realise that you want someone else; that your love is just not quite good enough.

The bliss and passion had faded. We'd started to go out of our way to spend time alone, time apart. We'd dropped the secret code we'd used in front of others - we just didn't bother to mouth "I love you", when we thought no-one else was watching. We didn't stay up late watching the stars. The endless kisses had turned into brief pecks. There were dead flowers in my bedroom vase.

He'd never been that attentive anyway. Ruwalk brought more presents. He also woke me with a smile and never an argument. He certainly smelled better and he never stole my clothes. We got bored of each other, though. Cernozura liked playing with my hair and gave wonderful back-rubs. She was a little too driven - we rarely spent time together and I got snitty about it and said goodbye.

I pulled the blanket off my bed and draped it around me. The dead flowers on my windowsill mocked me and I huddled further under the warm wool that still held his scent. When he'd given me the flowers, he hadn't said anything, just smiled and filled the vase halfway. Why was that again? I noticed the jug of water on my stand and remembered that it was mostly empty. I'd promised to put more water in the vase when the jug was refilled that night.

I'd forgotten.

He wasn't perfect. He didn't shower me with compliments, or presents. He wasn't the greatest lover I'd ever had and he certainly wasn't the sweetest guy I'd ever gone out with, but he was honest with me. I was relaxed in his presence; when I was with him, I felt the stress of my life start to melt away, not all of it, but some.

No, he wasn't perfect, but neither was I, not by a long shot. He was real and he was good for me, which may be far better. I wasn't ready for our love to be past tense. If I didn't want this precious ball to drop, I had to act fast and do something hard. I had to apologise and explain that I was crazy.

One of the things I do know is that when you make a decision like that, you have to keep the momentum going. I jumped up so quickly that the squeak from my bed-springs could be heard throughout the wing. I ran to the door and found that my love was already there. He was empty handed: no gifts, no flowers, no letters to proffer, but that didn't matter; I wasn't waiting for him to speak.

"You know that I'm selfish, petty, jealous, small-minded, inflexible, whiney, self-centred, overly-cognisant of other people's faults and under-cognisant of my own. I like to complain. I don't feel as though I'm alive if I'm not stressed. I over-react to everything and I bad-mouth you to whoever will listen."

He tried to interrupt, but I stopped his lips by tenderly placing a finger on them. It's not often that I'm honest. I admire it in him, but I still haven't quite grasped the thorn of admitting my inadequacies. If he managed to stop me at my first attempt there wouldn't be a second.

"I'm not going to change."

I gave him a moment to deal with that before continuing.

"It's all part of who I am. There's some good in there too, I'm sure. You did say that you loved me, so there must be something that draws you back, unless you've a perversion that we haven't discussed yet. I'm a real person and sometimes I'll drive you round the bend, but I'm willing to talk about it. And I'm even willing to admit when I'm wrong. Eventually."

"I'm sorry about last night, but I'm not used to sharing space with anyone else and I got grouchy. My room used to be in the coldest part of the castle and I was never able to sleep unless I rolled up like that. It's a habit that will be hard to break, but I'm going to. You'll have to be patient with me."

I pulled my finger away and his lips parted.

"That's all true, White Dragon Officer," he said, looking down, looking left, looking right and above my face, but not at it. "I guess that you need to be held a little more securely as you sleep. Perhaps if I entangle myself enough in your limbs tonight, you'll be warm enough so that you won't rip the blankets from my muscular body."

I grabbed his head and kissed him as though I hadn't already tasted every inch of his lips. When I released him, white eyes laughed at me and I didn't care.

He could always be paid back with a relapse if he got obnoxious.