Dragon Knights Fan Fiction ❯ The Unfortunate Finding Of The Jewelry Of DOOM! ❯ In which the characters DO NOT follow the book's plot and get sidetracked. ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: THE HECK WITH THIS DISCLAIMING JUNK!!! I'M SURE YOU ALL KNOW I DON'T OWN DRAGON KNIGHTS OR LORD OF THE RINGS!!! I AM NOT ABLE TO LOCK AWAY THE OH-SO DASHING, DROOL-WORTHY RATH OR THE CUTE, CHARMING FRODO OR THE HANDSOME, HUNK ARAGON FOR MY OWN SADISTIC, FIENDISH PURPOSES!!! LOL, for some strange reason, I have never liked Legolas(-_-);. SO, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME SUEING ME!!! I'M GONNA GO HAVE A CRYING GAG IN THE CORNER NOW!!! :sniffles and shuffles off-screen sulking:

 

Title: The Unfortunate Finding Of The Jewelry Of DOOM!

 

Summary: Nohiro's on a quest to find his bride and destroy a weapon of mass destruction. Thatz's job allows him to horde treasure and eat as much as he wants. Rune discovers his past life as Legolas. Rath gets to kill as many demons as possible. WATCH OUT! It's Lord of the Rings-DK style!

 

Ch.1. In Which The Characters DO NOT Follow the Book's Plot And Do Their Own Thing.

 

Once upon a time, there was a boy who lived in the land of Dusis. Well, actually, that's not correct. That is, he did live in a land called Dusis, but he wasn't exactly a boy. Wasn't a boy in the sense that made him human, because he wasn't exactly human. In fact no one knew what he was exactly. He could have been a human, dragon, demon or elf; that was how puzzling his background was. But since none of this information has any relevance to the story, we should forget the past's rambling and move on towards the more important points to the setting.

 

This boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever never wanted to partake in this crazy adventure whatsoever. In fact, his main goal in life was to find the true love of his life(aka soul-mate), settle down, raise kids, and have someone explain to him why people got healed miraculously whenever they were in vintage of him. Sadly for him, this simple life he so craved and longed after, was not to be.

 

And it was all the ring's fault.

 

Well, to be perfectly truthful, it wasn't actually the ring's fault so much as the company of people that came along or were just randomly thrown in with the ring.

 

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's back up a few chapters and go to the instance where the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf whatever stumbled onto the Unfortunate Finding Of The Jewelry Of DOOM!

 

You see, this particular boy-human-dragon-demon-elf whatever, since he wanted to be prepared to pop the question whenever he found the true love of his life(aka soul-mate), went to be buy a wedding ring at a store in a local village near where he lived.

 

(A/N: Yes, this is SO headed where you think it is-_-;;. Can someone say DENSE?)

 

This is where he met up with the Unfortunate Finding Of The Jewelry Of Doom!

 

"Nohiro, my lad!" greeted the Faerie Elder as the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever entered his shop, "What can I do for you?"

 

Nohiro stared at him for a minute before inquiring puzzled, "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

 

"HOHOHO! THAT'S FUNNY!" the Faerie Elder guawwfed, his belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly, "Yes, I did die in that series in Japan, but luckily I got a job offer from the Americans to fill in the shoes of Jolly St. Nick himself! What do you think? I got the laugh down, but I'm not sure about this red suit and beard. I was hoping to shave it off and exercise so I could nail some hot chic to be my wife."

 

"Isn't Mrs. Clause supposed to be…well, around what you look now?" Nohiro tried to put his question delicately.

 

"EGADS, MAN!" the Faerie Elder looked aghast, "I'm not getting stuck with someone's grandma! I'm thinking to revise this 'Old People' look for the main Christmas man himself. Why not spice the holiday up with some slim hottie in a red bikini? After all, 'Tis the Season To Be Jolly'! HOHOHO!"

 

Nohiro sweatdropped and coughed, veering the conversation away from it's rather long detour, "Ah, I'm looking for a wedding ring," he managed to say.

 

"HOHOHO!" the Faerie Elder exclaimed, doing the Santa Clause laugh again, "So you decided to rope in the cattle too, eh? Is she a hottie? Maybe we can do a trade. You should see the old crones those smucks have lined up for me."

 

"COULD YOU JUST SHOW ME THE RINGS ALREADY?" Nohiro screeched in frustration, veins springing out on his head.

 

"Wow, she must a good-lookin' gal for you to want to hide her," the Faerie Elder said, then sensing the customer might get fed up and leave, he pointed to a glass case on the other side of the shop, "The rings are over there."

 

"THANK YOU!" Nohiro cried, stomping over to the display.

 

Once in front of the exhibit, the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever took several deep breaths to calm down his frazzled nerves, then viewed the jewelry inside the case. They were all beautiful and unique, each one different from the other, but one in particular caught Nohiro's eye.

 

It wasn't any way exquisite or auspicious, but it stood out somehow: a plain gold ring hidden amongst eccentric others.

 

Nohiro pointed to it, "Let me see that one," he said in an awed, hypnotic voice.

 

"Oh, that's a weird one," the Faerie Elder said, going to the display case's back and unlocking it. Taking a pair of tongs, he picked the ring up with them and dropped it into the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever's hand.

 

Nohiro was too busy immersing himself in the ring, to wonder about the tongs, "Why's it weird?" he managed to inquire, not really caring anyway.

 

"Oh, the ring makes people do crazy things. I've sold it like a several times, it's gone for a couple of months, then some other customer other than the one who bought it, comes here and sells it back. Oh, and there's that creepy rhyme that comes with it," the Faerie Elder explained.

 

"Rhyme?" Nohiro questioned, breaking out the ring's spell suddenly curious, "What rhyme?"

 

The Faerie Elder rolled his eyes, took out a piece of paper and began to recite, "OK, here it goes: Ahem, One ring to rule them all/ One ring to find them/ One ring to bring them all/ And in the darkness BIND them!"

 

Nohiro gaped for second before beaming suddenly and snatching the paper out of the Faerie Elder's hand, shouting excitedly, "THIS IS PERFECT! I SHALL RECITE THIS POEM TO MY LOVE AND SHE WILL HAVE TO MARRY ME!"

 

Now it was the Faerie Elder's turn to be puzzled, "What in Dusis are you talking about? It's not exactly a happy love poem. You might scare her off instead. I don't think the ring is the wedding kind anyway. They usually have diamonds, you know?"

 

But Nohiro could not be swayed, "HOW MUCH?" he asked eagerly, still transfixed by his good luck.

 

"Ah, I give it to you for a steal," the Faerie Elder waved a hand, "It'll probably come back here in about six months."

 

Nohiro payed the shop-keeper and merrily skipped out, speaking to himself, "Now to find the perfect girl! Where to look?"

 

"Make that three months," the Faerie Elder said sweatdropping.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 

After the Unfortunate Finding Of The Jewelry Of DOOM, our hero tried his luck at every fair maiden that sadly stumbled into his way. In consequence, the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever was subjected to amused looks, snotty laughter, then screams of fear followed by numerous blows to the head whenever he tried reading them the "love poem". We will not go into the injuries added by Nohiro mistaking some men for "fair maidens". Finally in desperation, our hero went to his friends.

 

Not just for comfort either.

 

"Oh Nohiro, you don't really want to marry me," Tintlett laughed softly, "You'll find the girl you're really looking for someday. You just have to be patient."

 

"But I DO want to marry you!" Nohiro exclaimed, "I've asked you this question before I got the ring, everyday since the day we met! Why won't you?"

 

"Because I don't love you," Tintlett tried to explain, but was cut off.

 

"What does that matter?" the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever asked confusedly, "We're friends, right? You like me, right? So let's get married!"

 

Tintlett sighed and said, "It doesn't work that way, Nohiro."

 

"We'd marry you, Nohiro, if we were bigger!" a small high-pitched voice shouted, and the two looked up to see three water lights flitting around their heads.

 

"Thanks, Miyabi," Nohiro struggled to smile, flopping down on the grass and sighing, "Maybe the Faerie Elder was right…girls do like diamonds better."

 

Then before his friends could ask him what he meant and before Nohiro could start sulking, there was a loud POOF! and suddenly everyone was engulfed in a large, swirling cloud of ash.

 

"OOPS, OH MY!" came a shocked, sheepish voice, "I think I might have overdone it a bit. SORRY!"

 

Covering their mouths and trying not to breathe in the substance, everyone squinted through the ash, attempting to view who or what had caused the messy disturbance. A dim outline was all they could see at first, then as the ash began to settle, they were rewarded with the sight of a poofy-haired man robed all in white, busily hacking his lungs up.

 

"Oh dear, COUGH!" the man choked out as he saw the audience he had, "You must excuse me-COUGH!-but I so wanted to make a good first impression-COUGH! Give me a moment-COUGH!-would you?"

 

"Any idea who this bright number is?" Nohiro inquired wryly.

 

Everyone shook their heads gaping at the odd scene.

 

"All right, mister," the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever addressed, "Who do you think you are popping in on us like this, and what do you want?"

 

"IT IS I!" exclaimed the poofy-haired man dramatically once he got rid of all the ash clinging to his throat, "KHARL! YOUR YOKAI GODWIZARD HERE AT LAST TO SEND YOU OFF TO THE BALL LOOKING MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN ANGELINA JOLIE AND JENNIFER LOPEZ PUT TOGETHER! NOW, LET'S MAKE SOME MAGIC!"

 

"Wait!" Nohiro cried out just as the man was drawing some more ash out of a pouch.

 

"What is it?" the strange man-Kharl-asked exasperatedly, "Look, don't tell me you're going to back out now, after I already made my theatrical appearance! If you're so stung about me not being on time, just think of it as entering the ball fashionably late! You'll look simply ravishing in this dress. Now quit making a fuss and let me do my job. I have three other appointments waiting after this one and let me tell you right now: I have the hardest time discerning my poisoned apples from the good kind. I keep getting sick from eating the bad ones! Anyway, I have to show that little Snow tart that she is not the best singer in the world! No really, tell me honestly what you think? DO-RE-MI-FA-SO-LA-TEEEEEEEEEEE!"

 

"STOP! STOP! STOP!" Nohiro screeched, clapping his hands over his ears and he was not alone in doing this. Tintlett and the water lights looked positively green.

 

"JUST WHERE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?" the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever shouted irked, "SOME KIND A FAIRY TALE?"

 

The Yokai godwizard halted his mad rant and peered more closely at his audience before yelling in disbelief, "YOU'RE NOT CINDERELLA!"

 

"OF COURSE NOT!" Nohiro cried, "YOU'RE IN THE WRONG FIC, MISTER!"

 

"WELL, THIS IS TERRIBLE!" the white-garbed man shrieked, clutching his poofy hair, "Oh, I suppose it's my fault anyway! My agent keeps telling me that if I want to make big cameo appearances, I have to be accurate and on time. Well, I suppose Cinderella's Fairy Godmother can help her to the ball and Snow Tart's step-mother can take over the job for me. She said she'd be more than eager to substitute for me in case something went wrong. So, anyway, where am I and what story did I land in, can anyone tell me?"

 

"You're in Dusis," Tintlett spoke up helpfully, "And this fic is called 'The Unfortunate Finding Of The Ring Of DOOM!'. It's a parody on The Lord of the Rings, I think, but who can really tell with all these references to Santa Clause and fairy tales."

 

"AHA!" Kharl exclaimed suddenly, fire burning in his eyes at the last reply, "YES! I AM NOT FAR OFF MY SCHEDULE AFTER ALL! I WAS CAST TO BE THE WIZARD IN THIS FIC, SINCE I AM ONE ALREADY! Oh dear, I've spoiled my entrance, haven't I? Let me do this again!"

 

"NO, DON'T!" everyone shouted frantically, but it was too late and there was another loud POOF! as an ash cloud wafted over them and ensnared their senses once more.

 

"HACK! HACK!" the poofy-haired Yokai could be heard coughing in the ash cloud somewhere, "I REALLY MUST MEASURE THE AMOUT OF ASH I USE!"

 

As the ash cleared yet again, five ash-covered disgruntled people glared at the white-clothed wizard who cleared his throat and began his introduction anew, "Ahem: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! IT IS I, KHARL THE RENKIN WIZARD, HERE TO BE YOUR GUIDE ON YOUR QUEST INTO KAINALDA TO DESTROY THE JEWELRY OF DOOM IN ORDER TO DEFEAT HIS EVIL NASTINESS, LORD NADIL! LET US FLY!"

 

And all at once Nohiro, Tintlett and the water lights were lifted into the sky, surrounded by wisps of ash as Kharl rose up behind them. Now it wasn't that much of a difference for Miyabi, Shian, and Hanakusuku, but Nohiro and Tintlett rather liked in on the ground.

 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" they screamed, clutching each other in terror.

 

"Will you marry me?" Nohiro asked suddenly, breaking out of his screaming tangent.

 

"HOW CAN YOU ASK THAT AT A TIME LIKE THIS?" Tintlett bellowed, veins popping out in a mad fury, "NO!"

 

"Hey, I just thought if there was a chance we're gonna die, you'd say yes," the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever shrugged.

 

The two resumed their screaming, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

 

"MY DEAR FELLOW CHARACTERS!" the Yokai Wizard attempted to be heard above their frightened cries, "DO PLEASE BE QUIET! WE CAN'T START A QUEST ACTING LIKE TERRIFYED THREE-YEAR OLDS!"

 

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE'RE GOING ON ANY QUEST?" Nohiro managed to shout out, "WE DON'T EVEN HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CLUE ON WHAT'S GOING ON!"

 

"Oh dear," came Kharl's now-familiar sheepish tone and the wizard halted everyone in mid-flight and sweatdropped, "I think it would be wise if I…fill everyone in…"

 

Now everyone was sweatdropping.

 

"Let's land in that town down there and I'll tell you everything you need to know," the poofy-haired Yokai suggested, and in the next instant, everyone was plunging swiftly to the ground.

 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Tintlett and Nohiro screamed again.

 

"Will you-?" the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever began to ask, when he was abruptly cut off by Tintlett.

 

"ASK ME THAT ONE MORE TIME, AND I WILL MAKE SURE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANYONE TO WANT TO MARRY YOU, CAPEESH?" she shrieked, strands of hair springing out of place.

 

"Get it, got it, good," Nohiro replied, eyes wide.

 

The rest of conversation was broken by a rough, bumpy landing onto the village's cobblestone road. As a result, everyone got tangled up in a jumbled heap.

 

"Oh dear, oh my," Kharl could be heard laughing albeit embarrassed, "That could have gone smoother. Luckily, I'm better at fighting off voracious enemies and protecting my allies than I am at landings!"

 

"I think I'm pulling my contract out of this fic," Nohiro muttered, the feeling completely gone out of his back since the Yokai wizard was sitting onto of him.

 

Eventually, everyone disentangled themselves and waited expectantly for the poofy-haired Yokai to explain the sudden situation upon them.

 

"Right, let me make this simple and brief," Kharl said, brushing remnants of ash off his robe, "The ring that this boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever bought is really a weapon that will cause mass destruction to whole population of Dusis if it is reunited with it's true owner, His Evil Nastiness, Lord Nadil. He has servants out looking for it, and we must keep it from them. There is only one way to destroy it, but I shall not tell you until we enter Kainalda, just to make sure you won't run off and leave the burden hanging on me, which I'm sure you will try, with threats of torture and death looming ominously about our heads. But that is to be normal on all the quests to defeat evil. And that is the story of the Jewelry Of DOOM!"

 

There were several seconds of silence as everyone stared at the Yokai in disbelief, before Nohiro burst out indignantly, "AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE'D ALL AGREE TO GO ON SOME SUICIDAL MISSION LIKE THAT?"

 

"Because, my dear fellow," Kharl stated calmly, handing the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever a thick pamphlet, "It's in the script."

 

Nohiro flipped through the pages in angry frustration, before hurling the pamphlet onto the ground and exclaiming, "THIS SUCKS! WHO'S THE IDIOT WHO WROTE THIS STUPID FIC?"

 

"Careful there," the Yokai wizard cautioned warningly, "Don't talk about the author like that. She's viciously vindictive. She'll get even so hard and fast you won't even know what hit you!"

 

"Oh yeah?" Nohiro started bristling, "Well:

 

I'd like to give that woman a piece of my mind,

Or better yet, a kick in the behind,

Just who does she think she is?

Controlling the way a person lives,

She's got as much brains as a melon rind!"

 

Nohiro clapped a hand to his mouth as soon as he finished sprouting out the monstrous rhyme, shocked and frightened, as everyone stared at him.

 

"Oh, what's happened to Mr. Nohiro?" asked Hanakusuku worriedly.

 

"I believe the author has hexed him into speaking in limericks for as long as she sees fit," Kharl explained, "I tried to tell you, dear boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever! I would refrain from speaking for awhile until the author decides your punishment is over."

 

Nohiro glared at the Yokai wizard and opened his mouth to speak, forgetting about his hex in an instant:

 

"You crazy insufferable old man,

I'll get even, you'll see I can!

You and this evil author both,

Will soon be made into toast,

And I will be laughing again!"

 

"Old man?" Kharl gaped, looking highly affronted, "I'll have you know that I am quite young by Yokai standards, and that I get countless offers for my affection to others, but I have denied them all! MY HEART WILL REMAIN TRUE TO LOVE OF MY LIFE, EVEN THOUGH WE MAY BE FAR APART! I WILL GIVE MYSELF TO NO ONE BUT MY BELOVED!"

 

There was silence for a few sacred moments as the Yokai wizard clapped a hand over his heart and cried tears of determination, as he stared out into the open sky.

 

"Quick," Tintlett whispered to Nohiro and the water lights, "Maybe we can slip away while he's zoned out."

 

The five slinked discreetly away from the poofy-haired man until they were at a safe distance, then they broke out into a full sprint, which would have ended with them escaping had they not crashed smack-dab into somebody, throwing them all to the ground. The group's startled shouts of surprise and their muffled yelps of pain brought the Yokai wizard out of his reverie and back to his senses.

 

"I say," Kharl stated, coming upon the fallen people, "You weren't trying to flee from your heroic duties now were you? That shows a very bad sport!"

 

Nohiro, Tintlett, and the water lights were too dazed from their fall to reply.

 

"Wow, that was some run-in we had, wasn't it?" came a new voice, "Here, let me give you a hand!"

 

And everyone was helped to their feet, by the person they had crashed into, revealing herself to be a smiling girl with a hair shocking pink in color.

 

"You otta be more careful," the girl chided, patting down Nohiro's jacket, "Next fall you have, ya might actually break something, then how will you be able to defend yourself against thieves?"

 

"There are thieves here?" questioned Miyabi, a bit fearful.

 

"Yup!" the pink-haired girl bobbed her head enthusiastically, "This town's crawling with 'em! So you watch out now."

 

The group watched as the girl skipped merrily past them and around the corner, whistling an innocent tune.

 

"She doesn't seemed very concerned there are lots of thieves out," Shian stated.

 

"Never mind about her," the Yokai wizard said, "We have to go to a tavern now."

 

"Why?" everyone asked in unison, except for Nohiro, who was keeping his mouth shut to halt any more terrible limericks from spewing forth.

 

"Because," Kharl said, taking out the fic's script and paging through it, "According to this, we will meet someone who will accompany us on our quest as our bodyguard, aiding us against hordes of vile henchman sent from His Evil Nastiness, Lord Nadil to take back the Jewelry Of DOOM! So, let us go!"

 

"Do we have to?" Hanakusuku whined.

 

"Well, I suppose I could try my luck at a bit more singing…" the Yoaki wizard mused out loud.

 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the group howled in horror, running as far ahead from the man as they could.

 

"Stop!" Kharl called out, "You don't know where the tavern is! And I need your opinion on this piece! Ahem: 'CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN'T YOU FEEEEEEEEEEEEL THE LOVE TONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT…!'"

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

 

It was half an hour and twenty more off-key songs before the group arrived at their intended destination, feet exhausted from walking and ears exhausted from being subjected to magnanimous screeches thought by one to be melodious singing. And Nohiro could not help to open his mouth as everyone stepped into the crowded tavern:

 

"This is the worst torture in the history of humanity,

I cannot take any more, or I'll lose my sanity,

Please let all that has been,

Be some nightmarish dream,

Or I will be forced to yell out some profanities!"

 

"You said it," Tintlett muttered, taking the cotton-balls out of her ears just in time to hear Kharl finish the last chorus of his vendetta: "I GOOOOOOOOOOT YOOOOOOOOOU BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABE!"

 

There were several long, pointed looks from the tavern's present occupants at the newcomers, who were feverishly wishing that either they or their wizard guide would sink through the floor.

 

As always, they had no such luck.

 

"Hello, Mr. Tavern-keeper," Kharl beamed widely, checking in at the bar's counter, "We're the main characters of this fic so far and we're supposed to meet our bodyguard

here, but we have no idea who or what he is. So, do you happen to know where he is?"

 

"Oh, you'll find all the bodyguards in the right corner over there where all the shadows are. They think being hidden in the dark makes them more intimidating. Just a minute, I'll him," the tavern-keeper said, picking up a mike and speaking into it, "ATTENTION, ALL BODYGUARDS! PARTY OF SIX WITH THE SINGING WIZARD IS HERE! I REPEAT, PARTY OF SIX WITH THE SINGING WIZARD IS HERE! PLEASE, MEET THEM AT THE FRONT, THANK YOU!"

 

"Singing wizard! Haha! I like that!" Kharl gushed giddily.

 

"I'm beginning to feel less sorry for that Snow person," Tintlett said in a low tone, "I think she might have deserved what was coming to her. And now were stuck with him."

 

The group sighed in unison and waited for their bodyguard to show up, but he never did. One person cloaked in a hood seemed to be headed in their direction, but he passed them by without so much as a glance.

 

"Oh dear," the Yokai wizard said worriedly, "I do hope he received the author's memo. Not only will it disrupt the entire fic, but I shudder to think of what the author will do to him if he skips out on her orders. It might be worse than Nohiro's problem!"

 

The boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever glared at the poofy-haired man and was about to give him another limericked insult when he was abruptly cut off by a commotion at the tavern's entrance.

 

"HEY, WATCH WHERE YER GOIN'!" came a harshly accented voice and the group turned to see the person in the hooded cloak fall backwards after bumping into a huge burly sort of fellow on his hasty way out the door.

 

"Sorry!" came the rushed reply of the cloaked person, scrambling to his feet, hood having fallen off. He attempted to hurry out of tavern again, casting a wild sort of look over his shoulder in the direction of the Jewelry Of DOOM!'s group.

 

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Kharl cried viewing the person interestedly. Whipping out the fic's script again, he paged through it until a certain spot where he shut it tightly and exclaimed excitedly, "AHA! I KNEW IT! THAT'S OUR BODYGUARD! HE'S TRYING TO DITCH US JUST LIKE THE SCRIPT SAYS! YOU THERE, STOP THAT DESERTER!"

 

The huge burly man the cloaked person had bumped into seized him just as he tried to hurl himself out the door.

 

"LEMME GO! LEMME GO!" the cloaked person cried in panic, frantically trying to break out of the other's strong grip before the Yokai and his posse could get to him, "I WON'T TRAVEL WITH A PERVERT LIKE HIM! I ONLY TOOK THIS JOB SO I COULD KILL ALL THE DEMONS I WANTED! THE AUTHOR SAID NOTHING ABOUT WHO THE HELL WAS GOING TO BE GUIDING THIS FREAK MISSION! THAT DEVIOUS DEVIL OF A WOMAN! SHE SET ME UP!"

 

By now Nohiro and the gang had reached the struggling person who had unruly short black hair except for one lock which was dyed white. Upon fully seeing his features, Kharl gave a high-pitched squeal of shock and happiness and flung himself forward, wrapping his arms about the young man, exclaiming excitedly, "IT'S YOU! IT'S YOU! AT LAST WE ARE FINALLY REUNITED, MY BELOVED! MWAHA! THIS TIME WE SHALL NEVER PART, I PROMISE YOU! AND AS SOON AS THIS FIC IS OVER, WE SHALL DRIVE AWAY IN CINDERELLA'S MAGIC PUMPKIN TO OUR HONEYMOON IN SLEEPING BEAUTY'S CASTLE! ONLY WE WON'T JUST BE SLEEPING, YOU KNOW! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!"

 

The group sweatdropped as the Yokai wizard attempted in vain to give the bodyguard a full kiss on the mouth, but the black-haired young man was being most evasive.

 

"KEEP AWAY FROM ME, FREAK!" he yelped, grappling with the poofy-haired man's arms about his waits, "I'M NOT IN THIS FIC ANYMORE! I QUIT! IN FACT, I DON'T WANNA BE IN ANY MORE THIS AUTHOR'S FICS! SHE ALWAYS HAS THIS OBSSESSED YOKAI AFTER ME!"

 

A card dropped from nowhere out of the blue at the group's feet.

 

Tintlett picked it up and read outloud: "Greetings from the author. Because I like you, Rath, I will forgive your cruel judgement on me. As for Kharl always ready to pounce on you, I am merely exaggerating what is implied in the manga and adding my own wishes into the act…" the girl paused for a moment as everyone sweatdropped, before continuing to read. "Also, I am afraid you are stuck in this fic until it ends, since I closed all portals out of it after Kharl poofed in. As such, I intend for your acting to be at its best. Now I want everyone to quit getting sidetracked and move on with the parody. It's way behind schedule. Oh, one more thing, make sure that the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever has the ring."

 

There was silence as everyone took in the contents of the message before Shian inquired curiously, "What did the author mean by the last statement?"

 

"WHADDYA THINK?" Rath screeched exasperatedly, wrenching himself free from the Yokai wizard's iron-grip on him, "CHECK AND SEE IF THE BLOODY RING IS STILL ON HIM!"

 

Nohiro rummaged through his pockets and Tintlett patted down his clothes, but to their horror, the Jewelry Of DOOM! was nowhere to be found.

 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" Kharl shrieked panicking, "THIS WILL RUIN ME! MY AGENT WILL NEVER STAND FOR ME ALLOWING SOMETHING THIS DRASTIC TO HAPPEN! I'LL NEVER LAND ANY ROLES EVER AGAIN!"

 

Nohiro also had his opinion to share:

 

"This new discovery perplexes me deeply,

I find this whole situation undoubtedly creepy,

But I have to admit,

That instead of a fit,

I am most glad and not weepy."

 

"Yeah!" Shian shouted excitedly, "Now we don't have to go on that quest where we might get killed!"

 

"WELL, OF COURSE YOU'RE GLAD!" the poofy-haired Yokai yelled irritated, "THIS WON'T DESTROY YOUR CAREER!"

 

Another card dropped from out of nowhere at their feet.

 

This time Rath picked it up and read: "Oops, I forgot all about the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever's hex. I really hate taking it off. It's been fun. Hopefully, he'll annoy me so I can punish him again. Signed, The Author."

 

Now everybody was sweatdropping so much it was like they were under a waterfall.

 

"HEY! I CAN TALK NORMAL AGAIN!" Nohiro cried happily.

 

"NOT WORD ABOUT WHERE THE JEWELRY OF DOOM! IS EITHER!" Kharl raged, "O.K, THINK FELLOW QUEST-MEMBERS AND MY BELOVED! WHAT COULD HAPPENED TO IT?"

 

"How the heck should I know?" Rath sneered, "I wasn't with you earlier and I'm NOT your 'beloved'!"

 

"Did you lose it while we we're flying over the town?" Miyabi asked, trying to solve the puzzle.

 

"No, I had it until we landed in this village," Nohiro said, "I remember, 'cause I was fingering it when I asked Tintlett to marry me twice."

 

"WHICH MEANS WE MUST HAVE LOST IT ON OUR WAY TO THE TAVERN!" the Yokai wizard yelled deducing what had been said, "AHA! I AM ON A SCENT HERE!"

 

Ignoring their guide's outburst, the group tried to recall how they could have lost the ring in the first place.

 

"Hey, maybe a thief stole it!" Hanakusuku voiced out loud, "That girl did say there were thieves in this town."

 

"MAYBE A THIEF STOLE IT!" Kharl cried, as usual, a step behind things.

 

"But we didn't meet anyone but her on our way here," Tintlett said.

 

There was silence for several seconds, followed by more massive sweatdropping as everyone realized…

 

"I'VE GOT IT!" the Yokai wizard shouted, snapping his fingers, "THAT GIRL WAS A THIEF AND SHE STOLE IT!"

 

The group sighed in exasperation.

 

Yet another card from out of nowhere fell to the ground at their feet.

 

Nohiro picked it up and read the one word that was on it: "Bravo."

 

"Great. Well, no need to go after her," Nohiro stated, putting his hands behind his head in a carefree manner, "Let her deal with the Jewelry Of DOOM!'s consequences."

 

He was backed up by a chorus of heartfelt cheers to that decision.

 

"YOU ALL WOULD LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?" Kharl exclaimed heatedly, "WELL, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! THIS IS MY BIG CHANCE TO PROVE MYSELF TO MY BELOVED AND REGAIN MY ACTING CAREER BACK! NO MORE POISIONED APPLES AND GODWIZARD STUFF FOR ME! FOR ONCE, I WILL NOT BE A COMIC RELIEF! IT IS TIME FOR A HERO TO EMERGE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

 

Nohiro and the gang waited until the Yokai finished his mad laughter, before stating the obvious.

 

"So, where you gonna find this one thief in a village this big?" Shian questioned, arms folded over her chest as she hovered in the air.

 

Kharl lost his balance and fell over.

 

"I-I-I-have no idea…OH HELP ME, MY BELOVED!" he cried, flinging himself at Rath.

 

"SEND A THIEF TO TAKE A THIEF!" the black-haired young man yelped out, "NOW GET OFF ME!"

 

"That would be the logical choice," Tintlett mused out loud, "Another thief would know where to look and who's who."

 

"Right," Rath stated huffily, having succeeded in pushing the clinging Yokai wizard off him, "The best person to with this problem would be the Thief Lord. You're in luck with me as your bodyguard. Only I know where he is and he'll have to help us since I hold several matters over his head. Are you all ready to travel some more?"

 

"If we really have to," Tintlett sighed, not looking particularly happy.

 

"Our wings hurt!" Miyabi, Shian, and Hanakusuku whined.

 

"You can ride on my shoulders and let me carry you," the boy-human-dragon-demon-elf-whatever offered kindly.

 

"OH, LORD NOHIRO-SAMA!" the three water lights breathed dreamily and flew down to perch on his shoulder, staring at him with star-struck eyes.

 

"WAIT, MY BELOVED!" Kharl called out to Rath who had already set out ahead of the group, "LET ME CARRY YOU TOO!"

 

"WHAT THE HELL-?" the black-haired young man exclaimed as he was scooped up in the Yokai wizard's arms and cuddled against his chest, "PUT ME DOWN YOU PERVERT!"

 

Kharl ignored him and began another charade of his terrible singing, as he skipped off into the night, "'OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'RE OFF TO SEE THE THIEF LORD! THE THIEF LORD THAT WILL SAVE US ALL! IF EVER THERE EVER WAS SOMEONE TO DO THE JOB IT'S BECAUSE, BECAUSE, BECAUSE, BECAUSE, BECAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE…BECAUSE OF THE WONDERFUL THINGS HE DOES! LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!"

 

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, I SWEAR!" Rath screamed.

 

"You know," Nohiro said to Tintlett and the water lights, "I think that ring I bought is bad luck."

 

Thus Ends The First Chapter Of the Unfortunate Finding Of The Jewelry Of DOOM!

 

A/N: Yes, it is another insane fic by Schnickledooger. OMG! I hope people actually review this--;;. I've had this story in my head before Counseling Sessions. So, who can guess who the pink-haired girl and the Thief Lord are? HEHEHEHE, 's not that hard. OK, REVIEW PLEASE AND TELL ME YOUR FAV PART! I LIKE HEARING WHAT SCENE PEOPLE THOUGHT WAS FUNNY! THANK YOU!