Fan Fiction / Zoids Fan Fiction ❯ Bandits ❯ Impressions by Mercutio ( Chapter 5 )

(A/N- I love you guys SOOOO much! Thanks for all the positive reviews! And a special thank you to BrIrocZ for informing me that Bitch-Head's real name is Colonel Halford. Somehow, Bitch-Head is so much more fitting... And I must agree, Yiihane, the guys are so fine...Yummy! *distributes hugs and kisses to Van, Irvine, and Bit*)

Bit: *pouts* I'm not even in this story.

HealerAriel: But all three of you get recognition for being sexy in it.

Bit:.....That works. Just don't tell Leena.

Irvine: Or Moonbay.

Van: Or Fiona. You know how jealous the girls get...

HealerAriel: Yes, but luckily, they aren't here, and they probably never will be.

Bit: Why?

HealerAriel: 'Cause I like checking you fine fellas out in peace.

Guys: *awsomely charming grins*

Irvine: You see why I like her?

Van: *thinks* Um, where ARE the girls?

HealerAriel: Trapped in a room with my brother.

Guys: MARK?! YOU GAVE OUR WOMEN TO MARK?!

HealerAriel: Chill! It's temporary! And I figure, if I get to be with you guys, he can be with the girls. All he wants to do is stare at Fiona's rack. By the way, what's up with the booby-holsters?

Van: I dunno, but I like 'em. *drools*

HealerAriel: -_-; Oooookay, then. You're such a gentleman on TV, Van.

Van: Maybe, but I'm a teenaged guy, and therefore am not without my share of raging hormones.

Irvine: I could'a sworn you were prepubescent, Van. *evil chuckle*

Van: OH REALLY?! I'LL SHOW YOU PREBUBESCENT! *jumps on Irvine and starts strangling him, Homer Simpson-style.*

Bit: Guys, guys! This could all be settled with a ruler.

HealerAriel: ... I so did not need to hear that, Bit. I am scarred for life.

Bit: Hee hee. It slipped out.

HealerAriel: Geez, it's not like we chicks measure our boobs...

Bit: *mischeivous grin* Leena does.

HealerAriel: You know this?

Bit: Yeah. I spy on her sometimes. She looks good naked.

HealerAriel: OKAY! End of intro! Bit's getting WAY too informative, here! Until the next chapter!

Van: But-!

HealerAriel: What, Van?

Van: You said there was a song I needed to hear, didn't you?

HealerAriel: ^_^; Oh yeah! I did say that! Sorry, Van. Okay, this song is by the totally awsome group, Green Day. It really fits the relationship between my two cuties, Van and Raven.

*hard rock starts to play*

'I don't know you, but I think I hate you,

You're the reason for my misery,

Strange that you've become my biggest enemy,

And I've never even seen your face!

Maybe it's just jealousy,

Mixin' up with a violent mind,

A circumstance that doesn't make much sense

Or maybe I'm just dumb!

You're the cloud hanging out over my head,

Hail comes crashing down welting my face,

Magic man, egocentric plastic man,

Yet you still got one over on me!

Maybe it's just jealousy,

Mixin' up with a violent mind,

A circumstance that doesn't make much sense,

Or maybe I'm just dumb!'

*hard rock continues to play until it eventually fades out*

Van: O_O Umm, does Green Day know Raven?

HealerAriel: Dunno, but it's damn accurate, innit? Song's called Chump, by the way. Which is also pretty dead-on to how Raven feels about you, Vannie-boy. Hee hee. "Fry, little man!"

Irvine: -_-; One of Raven's more psychotic moments.

Van: Raven's life is one big psychotic moment, what are you talking about?

HealerAriel: I feel kind of sorry for him, though. He's had a bad life. And I saw him as a kid in his little flashback sequence and I felt so bad for him! Little cutie, I just wanted to pick him up and hug him and make him all better!

Guys: -_-; Ooooookay.

HealerAriel: *presses little red call button labled "Kid Raven"* I'll show you!

K.Raven: *comes into the room with that sad look in his big ol' eyes*

HealerAriel: *puts hands to her cheeks* Isn't he cuuute!?

*Van, Irvine, and Bit exchange looks*

K.Raven: *in the sweet little voice that HealerAriel loves sooooo much* Why did you call me in here, Miss Erin?

Van: O_o Raven just said something without the slightest hint of violence or psychosis. And why is Raven allowed to call you by your first name, but we have to call you HealerAriel?

HealerAriel: He can do whatever he wants. He's my little cutie-pie! *lets Kid Raven sit with her on the couch*

Bit: You never let US sit on the couch!

HealerAriel: That's because he's more special than you guys, too. Hi Raven. *pets his little head*

K.Raven: Hi. ...Why are all these men here, Miss Erin?

HealerAriel: These guys are my friends, too. That's Irvine, you'll meet him later; that's Bit, you may see him again in here, but he's not really part of your life, so ignore him like everyone else does; and that guy's Van Flyheight.

K.Raven: He looks like that nice man who took care of me for a while.

HealerAriel: That's because that nice man who took care of you was Van's dad.

Van: O_o What the-?

K.Raven: Oh. That man told me he was going to take me to live with him-

Van: @_@ !

K.Raven: -But he died before that.

Van:......Are you telling me that RAVEN would've been my STEPBROTHER?

HealerAriel: Yep. If your daddy hadn't died, Van, you and Raven would have been best friends.

Van: Talk about irony....

Irvine: Straight up. Best friends with the guy who wants you dead now.

K.Raven: I don't want him dead...

HealerAriel: I know you don't in this reality, cause I pulled you outta the desert before the Amazing Albino Man, Prozen got ahold of you and corrupted your darling little mind. You can stay here with me instead! *hugs Kid Raven. Kid Raven, to all the guys' shock and amazement, hugs back voluntarily*

Guys: O_O .....Weird.

(A/N- this chapter should be rated a little higher, for use of multiple bad words.)

Van left Colonel Halford (Bitch-Head!!)'s office in a very bad mood. Well, how often does the high-and-mighty Lieutenant Van Flyheight get yelled at for a food fight?

"They got me in trouble, little pains in the ass," he grumbled, moping through the halls. "Hmph. Disrespectful, immature-"

"-Egotisctical, self-righteous, big bad war hero!" Familiar voices were coming from the room up ahead. Van peeked in. And he saw Mercutio strutting around the rec room, amusing Irvine, Moonbay, and Alandria with an impression...of Van.

"Take a close look," Mercutio continued, "'Cause I rule bay-bee! Oh yeah! You throw anything at me, I'll hop in my big blue cat and cut you up with my yellow sticks. Then I'll go upstairs and have hot sex with Fiona. Mercutio! Shut up you little punk! I am Van Flyheight! Respect me, cretin! So maybe I wear a chick shirt, but it's only so you can see my sexy body!"

"Oh- Oh my God!" Moonbay gasped. "That is SO Van!" She, Irvine, and Alandria were leaning on each other for support, and laughing so hard they were crying.

'What does she mean?' Van thought. 'Mercutio makes me sound like a fucking horny drill sergeant! That little punk! Respect Van Flyheight! Um, why does that sound familiar?'

"Van?"

"YIPE! Oh, hi, Fiona," Van said. "Please don't sneak up behind me anymore."

"Okay...What are they doing in there?" Fiona asked, looking into the rec room.

"No, don't-!"

"And Fiona?" Mercutio was saying. "That is one FINE blonde bombshell, you know what I'm talking about? Just cause I'm too damn dumb to tell her I want her body doesn't mean Thomas can have her. I'm just psychin' myself up, man! Then I'll go up to her - maybe after getting a new haircut and a whole shirt - and I'll say, 'Fiona, I want you!' and she'll say, 'TAKE ME, MAN MEAT!' Yeah. And we'll screw and screw, and screw. 'Cause the mighty Lieutenant Flyheight never tires. Or at least never lets on. Or maybe it's all that pent-up sexual frustration from being around Fiona while she's wearing skintight junk and not being able to do anything 'cause that bastard Thomas keeps interfering. Damn Thomas! I'm gonna feed him to Zeke, man!"

"Oh, I'd PAY to hear Van say that!" Irvine laughed.

"OH REALLY, IRVINE!?" Van bellowed. "AND MERCUTIO, YOU LITTLE PUNK, PREPARE TO FEEL THE PAIN!"

"Ooopsies," Mercutio said matter-of-factly, as he stepped to one side, avoiding Van's lunge at him. After a long struggle Irvine finally grabbed Van by the ponytail, so all the severely peeved adolescent Lieutenant could do was claw wildly at the air in front of Mercutio.

"Geez, Van," Irvine teased, "you really can't take a joke, can you? It was all in fun."

"Oh yeah? How would you like it if someone was doing a parody of you?!" Van demanded. Mercutio grinned evilly.

"Yoink!" he yelled, swiping Irvine's eyepatch.

"Hey!" Irvine cried indignantly. Mercutio had already fastened the patch onto himself.

"Whoa! Shibby!" Mercutio exclaimed, playing with Irvine's eyepatch. "This thing is wicked awsome! Hey, dude, can you lend this to me sometime? I want to get a closer look at Fiona's a- I mean, EYES."

"YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING!" Van raged, still subdued by Irvine's hold on his ponytail. Fiona just looked serenely confused, as always.

"ANYway," Mercutio said loudly, "For my next impression...Irvine!"

"Dammit."

"Hah."

"Shut up, Van."

"AHEM!" Mercutio did not like people not paying attention to him. Then he grinned, and got into character. Really, really good character. He got Irvine's facial expressions, posture, and walk down perfectly. One must begin to wonder if all Mercutio does is observe people all day. And needless to say, by the end of Mercutio's presentation, Van was laughing his ass off and Irvine was blushing like crazy ("Moonbay, SHWING!").

"Oh, fantastic," Van declared, as Mercutio sadly took off the eyepatch at Irvine's command. "Do someone else. But not me again."

"Do Fiona!" Moonbay suggested. Mercutio's eyes lit up.

"Okay then! Who got the coconuts?!"

(A/N- okay, so there was more intro than actual story, but so what? At least it was funny, right? Oh, and by the way: I want to put Raven in this story. Does anyone know if he, like, dies at the end of the series or something? Because this story takes place after the series is over, and if he's dead, then I can't use him unless by means of ressurection. So if you have that information, please give it to me! I like Raven!)