Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Breathe No More ❯ Disillusioned Memory ( Chapter 6 )

Breathe no More
Chapter six
Disillusioned memory

After that, Akito occasionally liked to come pay a little visit now and then. But we doubt Haru gives half a fuck about that. Shigure would come visit him, though. The dog was feeling a little bit sad; when he'd gotten into this relationship, he'd expected to have a bit more time with the boy...

There were a couple times where Haru actually found himself looking forward to dying. He was SO fucking miserable. Despite all his bravado at the beginning, about not dying in bed, he was finding he might not really have much of a choice. There were days when he quite literally COULDN'T get up. And he hated that. He hated feeling weak and tired all the time. He hated the fact that there were days where he couldn't breathe to the point where Hatori had to give him straight oxygen. This was such a...HUMILIATING way to die.

His boyfriend tried his very damnedest to help, but there wasn't much he could do -- so he was just there as often as he could, and on the rare occasion that Haru had some energy he made sure to take the boy out to do something. Even if there wasn't much he could do... What a sucky little relationship they'd had.

"You don't need...to waste all your time with me...you know..." Haru murmured between short, panted breaths that made his chest rise and fall in shallow, rapid movements. "You have a life...and a job...I get that..." He'd stopped even trying to go to school at all. The last time he had, he'd gone to sleep so much the teacher had given up all together with him, and told him to go home, before even the lunch bell rang.

"I don't waste all my time with you." His older lover snorted. "It's not a waste, and it's most definitely not all my time." No... he went home to sleep?

Haru just gave him a dry look.

"I...I sleep through most of it any--" He broke off for another round of coughing. The more time that went by, the more often that happened. "Anyway." He finished, once he stopped. "I don't see...why you bother."

Shigure pressed a very short kiss on the ox.

"Because I can." He stated very plainly.

Days turned into weeks and he still wasn't dead. Hatsuharu was becoming quite impatient with it too. He didn't want to deal with this anymore, damnit all!

"When...when is this going to end?" He asked whoever was listening. Hatori and Shigure were both there, at the moment. Hatori had wanted to watch him more carefully, even thought the ox had protested. So, he was currently in the dragon's office.

"When you don't have enough oxygen to power your heart anymore." The dragon suggested.

"Then stop putting it in me!" He half requested, half ordered, with a cross look at his doctor. "Why prolong it? This isn't exactly pleasant." At least when he died his chest wouldn't hurt anymore, and he wouldn't feel so godawful.

Shigure was oddly silent throughout all that. He really wanted a cigarette, but he knew he'd probably kill his boyfriend, if he did so.

"I am not a Kavorkian." Hatori stated.

"It wouldn't be suicide." Haru snapped, his tone getting angrier by the word. "I'm dying anyway, all I'm asking is that you stop making things harder than they already are.

"Hatsuharu, I could be arrested for not giving you proper treatment; you do know that, don't you?" The dragon sighed helplessly.

"It's not like anyone would have to know!" He pointed out, still quite put out. "Besides, isn't it also illegal to treat a patient against their will?"

"No." Tori told him flatly.

“Well,” He paused, losing a bit of his argument. “It should be…”

"Not only is it not illegal, it goes against my own morals, as well as the oath I had to take to be a doctor." Hatori felt mildly annoyed now. "So, no. I'm not going to just let you die." He wished Shigure would fucking speak up! But the dog was still being quiet in this argument.

"You don't have much of a choice, do you?" Haru snapped, about another argument away from going Black. "Tori-nii, if I'm going to die, I want to do it on my terms. And my terms happen to be as soon as possible!"

"Things don't always go according to our terms." Ha'ri pointed out, his mild annoyance growing slightly. Did the dog give a fuck or not? He'd only spent the last half a year or so with the ox every waking moment, and now when it really mattered he said nothing? Why was he fighting for HIS boyfriend? Good lord!

"Just shut up." Yep...there went that temper..."Okay?" Black looked at him, appearing a lot calmer than he actually was. "Good. Now, I am REALLY fucking tired. Sick of it! Checked out! NOT. Dealing. With. It. Anymore." If it was at all possible, his breathing sped up even more. "You can't fix me! So just stop trying!"

"Haa-san," Shigure finally fucking spoke. "I don't think this is something that needs to be discussed."

"Oh. Now you speak up." The dragon glared half-heartedly.

"His mind is made up; leave him alone, please?" The dog offered.

"Tch. I'm not going to have anything to do with him dying." The doctor stated. "IF you do actually care, you take care of him." He added that under his breath; it was only for Shigure to hear. He had no idea if the dog actually cared about their younger cousin, or if he was just a playmate to the jerk.

"Neither of you take care of me!" Black looked at them like they were crazy. Had Hatori NOT just listened to what he'd said? The 'stop trying' had applied to any attempts the dragon might make, whether directly by his own hand, or otherwise. "Do I have to spell it out for you? Piss off!" A week with no medical attention, and he'd be gone. That was one thing he was confident of.

"Haa-san, you can go. I promise. It's okay." The writer finally told him. "Go to your house and drink some tea or something."

Hatori frowned at both of them. "Right, let you kick me out of my own office. Wonderful." He grumbled, but he did turn to leave.

The dog cast an odd look down at his boyfriend then. He wasn't sure if he wanted to get any closer. Black Haru might hit him... Haru's chest was heaving more than ever, and he looked like he might very well explode right there, as Black tried desperately to calm both himself, and the body he shared with White, down.

"What...do you want?" He panted out finally, after a minute.

"You're not dead yet." The brunette told him carefully. "Should I not spend what time I have left with you...oh, I don't know...with you?"

"Whatever." The ox grumbled, finally slowing his breathing down to what it had been before his little blow up. "Like you actually care, anyway..."

"Oh dear. What gave me away?" Shigure mumbled. It wasn't really certain whether he was being sarcastic or not.

"I'm not stupid." He felt he should point out. "You can't honestly tell me I'm any more important to you than Akito was."

"Almost everyone is equal in my eyes." The dog did admit.

"See?" He almost laughed. "Why would you give a damn about whether you're with me, or at the North Pole, when I die?"

"I have a question." The writer blinked lazily. "Do you care where I am?"

"What if I do?" Haru frowned a little, and for a moment, you couldn't tell whether he was White or Black. Both personalities seemed rather uncertain at the moment. "What difference would it make?"

"Just curious." Shigure grinned wryly. "I would have thought you knew me well enough to know that particular facet of my personality."

"What does it matter?" He frowned again. "You're not leaving, even if I wanted you to."

"And that doesn't say anything at all to you?"

"It says you're an idiot, who wouldn't know 'unwelcome' if it bit you on the ass."

"Love you too, Haa-kun." The mutt snorted helplessly.

"I'm sure." The ox replied disbelievingly.

"I'm sure..." Shigure smile changed a little bit and decided he needed to risk getting closer. "You never believe me."

"Why would I?" His younger cousin blinked in confusion. "It's not like you've ever said that, and actually meant it."

His lover slowly reached up a hand to brush his cheek.

"Well, you have me there. I haven't ever meant it before."

Haru's eyes widened a little.

"I'm not saying it back." He stated, shaking his head a little. "But...he might...if you actually tell him."

"I'll tell him later." Shigure drew him in closer. "I want you both to know about it, and you're here now."

"Stop it." He ordered in a slightly panicked tone. "Stop it or--or you won't have the chance to tell him."

"You would really do that?" The author wondered absently. He didn't really think so.

"Do what?" He asked, his breathing was speeding up again. "It's not like I have much of a choice."

"Please don't do that?" The dog raised an eyebrow. "I finally got Haa-san to leave you alone, but I wanted some time with you before you croak."

"I can--can't help it." He insisted, closing his eyes, with the intention of letting White back out. "You know that!"

Shigure tilted his chin up. "You're getting very upset over nothing." He whispered.

"I'm not fucking upset!" He argued, but he was starting to feel a little dizzy...well, okay, more than a little.

Shigure's arms wormed around his waist, should he pass out.

"You were ready to let White back out, and go back into your mind. The Black I know doesn't just leave conversations when he doesn't like the way they're going." Therefore the boy was upset.

"That's not it at all, genius." He shook his head. "I'm fine with the way the goddamned conversation’s going. It's this...this body that I don't like..."

"Of course." The dog laughed, gently kissing the tip of his nose. "Myyyy mistake. Can you eeever forgive me?"

Haru didn't actually reply. He was a little busy trying to breathe at all, forgetting how much he needed to.

Shigure wasn't standing for that this time. He decided to put that artificial resuscitation training to work...

"Please don't die for just a moment?" He requested softly once his lover was breathing again.

"What...do you need now?" You couldn't really tell which half of the ox was out, both were pretty annoyed at the moment.

"Because I'm a selfish bastard." Shigure began. "I would feel rather not so good if you just off and died like that. I'm a writer, can I not get in my cliché little 'I love yous?" He wondered with some puppy eyes thrown in there. "I'd love it if you really believed me too." He really wanted both halves to listen to him.

"When I tried to let him out before...you told me not to." He pointed out.

"I wasn't finished talking to you, then." The dog pointed out, licking his cheek teasingly. He was a dog, after all. He couldn’t resist.

"But you're done now...?"

"Not really." The older man grinned. "But you don't really want to talk to me, so I figured I better not push my luck."

"Thank you," he sighed, before letting his more innocent (and more confused) half, back out.

Shigure hugged him tightly, now that he was allowed to. Black had told him to stop before.

"Hello," he crooned softly.

"Nnn…Hi," he murmured, still breathing quickly, still exhausted, and now he had a headache to boot.

"I'm supposed to shut the hell up and let you do what you want after I talk to you." The mutt assured him with an almost sad smile.

"Oh?" He blinked sleepily. "What'd you want to talk about?"

"I'm not too happy that you have to die." The writer informed him. "Did you know that?"

"Wasn't aware." Haru confirmed with a slight headshake.

Shigure forced up a smile again. "I'm kind of fond of you, and I thought maybe you might care to know."

"I love you too, Sensei." Haru smiled tiredly, and yawned. Shigure could never just say it...

He'd known the boy would understand. But all the same he felt kind of stupid right now. He found someone he felt he could say that too, and they were probably going to die soon... It sucked.

"Right, I'm supposed to just let you be now." He mumbled out scratching at his head idly. He didn't really want to do that though.

"I'm allowed to stop hurting?" He wanted to make sure; though, there was a hopeful spark in his eyes too.

"Mm, yeah." The dog confirmed.

"Thank you." He murmured softly, resting his forehead against Shigure's chest. "And…I'm sorry..." Anything else said was lost on him, though. His breathing was slowing down, but not the way it should be.

Shigure laughed darkly before tilting his head up. He wanted his goodbye kiss and he would fucking have it. He hadn't been able to kiss his lover properly for nearly a year because of this disease; if he was going to fucking die anyways, he might as well.

Haru blinked slowly at him. He felt like he was swimming, and a few stay tears ran down his cheeks. He was actually allowed to die now, and he wasn't sure he wanted to anymore. He knew, though, that he didn't have a choice now.

"S-sorry." He choked out once more.

His boyfriend smiled even though his eyes were stormy.

"Big cow pasture in the sky, right...?" He shrugged; he was quite literally biting his tongue to keep from saying anything or doing anything else, though.

Haru let out a few more silent tears, and a couple strangled breaths, before going still in Shigure's arms. It was as this happened that Hatori came back down the hall, speaking as he approached.

"Shigure, I really don't think you should just let him--" He paused, as he entered the door, and saw his cousin so still. "Why isn't Hatsuharu moving?" He wanted to know, his question in an odd little tone.

"Because he's just a bit dead." The dog answered with a soft chuckle. He had to wonder why Hatori was being so very dense. After he got that out he made sure to concrete up his soft smile and continued to hold his tongue still. He wasn't upset, and there was nothing wrong. So there.

"Shigure..." Hatori repeated, frowning, and taking a step toward him, but then stopping again. "Are you...alright?"

"Yes, Haa-san." The writer looked up. He looked okay, to anyone else. But Hatori knew what to look for. Shigure wasn't sure why he was even bothering to try, other than basic principle.

"No, you're not." Hatori argued unnecessarily. "Do you want a hug, or to be left alone?" Honestly...at the moment, he'd be willing to let Shigure have either.

"Hnnn, can I have both and a dog treat?" His smaller friend sighed.

"I'm not the one you want it from." Hatori denied him the treat simply, though he did stride swiftly across the room, to give him that hug.

Shigure laid his head on his friend's shoulder even as he kept his eyes on his rather dead boyfriend. He didn't feel too great right now... Heh, well at least he was feeling kind of thankful that Hatori was there...

"I'm sorry." Hatori told him. He didn't know that that had been the last thing Hatsuharu had said. "I am so sorry..." He'd tried to help Haru...Why hadn't Haru let him help?

"Right... sorry..." The man murmured. He didn't really want anyone to be sorry. He just wanted his boyfriend to be okay. Too bad, huh?

"I know..." Hatori stated, still in that same odd tone. "I know it's hard to lose someone you care that much about..."

"Aww, how sweet, Haa-san." Shigure chortled. "You're opening up for me."

"Don't get used to it." The dragon warned, as though trying to joke, but still failing miserably at it.

"I won't... I don't plan on getting into too many more situations where it's necessary." He promised, moving a little and pressing into the crook of Hatori's neck. He'd had enough of looking at his lifeless lover for a little while...

"No one ever does." Hatori shrugged a little. He wished Shigure would let go of Haru; it couldn't be mentally healthy to hold a dead corpse like that.

...As if Shigure cared. "Eh, I guess this is what I get for doing all those very bad things." He finally mumbled.

"I...don't think it's karma." But, then, it might have been. What the hell did Hatori know about karma?

"I need some way to rationalize away the unpleasant feeling in my lower stomach." Shigure informed him with a soft chuckle. "Once you think of a better one, you tell me."

"Pain, guilt, loss, take your pick." The doctor shrugged a little.

"I don't like any of those." The dog whined slightly. He'd much rather justify it away by thinking he'd deserved this pain and Haru had just been the gods' means to an end.

Hatori just shook his head a little. This was Shigure. He'd deal with it, somehow.

"Why don't you...put him down?" He suggested after a few moments. It felt wrong, somehow, to refer to Haru's body as a 'that'. "I'll talk to Kureno and Akito later, and we can get a funeral planned for him."

"Okay..." Shigure snorted and just did what his friend said. "Haa-san knows best, after all..." But then he sighed and moved back to where he had his face buried in his friend's shoulder. He wasn't going to cry. Shigure doesn't cry. But he did feel like crap. He potentially felt worse than when he'd let Kazuma take Kyo's beads...

"I'm sorry." Hatori repeated again. "I tired everything I could to save him for as long as he'd let me..."

"I know, Haa-san." The brunette promised.

The fact of the matter was, Haru was only -- what, 16, 17 years old? It was more than just a little unfair that he was dead right now. There was one thing Hatori just didn't get. Haru should have had at least another five years in him. Why had he gone so quickly? Unless...he really had just given up, and just lost the will to go on...? That was probably the most accurate guess they had.

Shigure finally drew away and he just went over by the window and drew out a cigarette. He didn't have to worry about killing his boyfriend with the smoke anymore, so hey, why not?

End

~“This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality
Embrace this moment
Remember, we are eternal
All this pain is an illusion…” –Tool (Parabola)~
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