Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Learning to Stand ❯ Taking Risks ( Chapter 14 )

Chapter 14: Taking Risks

"Still at the library? Tamae-san, you never change." Sohma-san's voice pulled me out of yet another research trance. He was sitting across from me, head resting on one of his hands. I hadn't even heard him sit down.

"Ohaiyo, Sohma-san. Daijobu?" I set my book down.

"You're wearing glasses. You have trouble seeing now?" I nodded.

"They're for reading. I'm afraid that I've spent too much time studying with only a single lamp to help me." And I've been squinting at tiny Chinese characters for the last two years. He smiled at me.

"They look good on you. Now you look like a librarian. Very scholarly. It's cute."

"Arigatou…I think. Should a girl as young as I am look scholarly?"

"What's this I hear? Is that vanity? Tamae-san, you shock me!" He was teasing me.

"Do I? That's a first. I get the feeling it doesn't happen very often with you." He nodded.

"I do pride myself on knowing people. It helps me in my writing career, you understand."

"I'm sure it would. By the way, I never asked you what kind of novels you write."

"Oh, several kinds. A little highbrow fiction, a little lowbrow, it all depends on where the Muse takes me." I nodded. Isuzu-chan had told me that his favorites were the smutty romances under his pseudonym. She never told me what that was, though.

"What brings you here, Sohma-san? It's been a while since we last spoke." It had been a year, but he could still cause my stomach to flip-flop. I sighed, disgusted with myself.

"Have you missed my company so much, Tamae-san? If I had known, I would have made more effort to see you!" I blushed. "I must say I enjoyed our last encounter greatly." He leaned in towards me. "Although I must admit to being a tad jealous when my dear Aya-san mentioned that he had met you in passing. He said you were delightful!"

"Do you mean Ayame-san?" Isuzu-chan and I had never heard from him regarding the birth records. Now, knowing that the translation couldn't help her she had given up on it. She hadn't even asked for the scroll back.

"Yes, my darling Aya! He said you looked fetching in the dress you had bought from his store. I wonder what it looked like?"

"It's red." He grinned and closed his eyes, as though trying to picture me in a red dress.

"Red would be a lovely color on you, my dear! It suits you."

"How so?"

"It's such a romantic color, ne? It's the color of passion, after all. And you, I think, have a very passionate soul."

"But passion can be very dangerous. It can turn to obsession without anyone realizing it."

"And are you obsessing about something? A boy, perhaps? Oh, no, Tamae-san doesn't bother with young men. She's far too busy with her studies." I glared at him. "So you DO have a boyfriend? Then I'm too late?" I gasped in spite of myself.

"You are outrageous!" I fought off the blush that deepened what had already been there. "How can you…flirt like that?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"No. And Yes."

"To both, or one after the other?" He was enjoying this. I balled my hands into fists, my nails cutting into my palms.

"Whatever you like. I don't care." He looked comically wounded.

"You've hurt me to the quick! Such an uncaring, unfeeling girl! To stampede over a man's feelings this way!" He looked at me to see if it was working. To my horror, it was. Why couldn't I control myself around this man?

"I think you make overmuch of your feelings." And mine.

"Do you? You may be right. But we'll never know unless we try, ne?" He leaned in and I shot up so quickly my chair screeched behind me. I crossed my arms over my stomach and glared at him.

"You really enjoy doing this, don't you?" I hissed. "What do you want from me?" My nails sank deeper into my palms and I winced.

"So suspicious, Tamae-san!"

"I haven't seen you in a year! Don't expect me to think that you just dropped in out of the blue to see how I was doing!"

"Ma ma! But that's exactly why I am here! I'm relieved to see your spirit is undamaged from a year of dreary schoolwork! Come, let me take you out of this horrible, quiet library for the day! Your skin is too pale; you need some time in the sun!"

"It's overcast."

"But the sun is still there! Besides, the clouds might break up. The weather report said it might be sunny."

"Actually, it said there was a 40% chance of showers." I made up quickly. He shook his finger at me.

"You're lying. I check it every day. Are you really so suspicious of my motives? What have I ever done to give you that idea?" I was stuck. By the look in his eyes, he knew it. We were playing cat and mouse; I couldn't evade him without revealing I knew something that might lead him to think I knew something else. I sighed.

"Nothing. Isuzu-chan has warned me about you, nothing more."

"Warned you? About what?"

"That you're a pervert." He laughed loudly at this.

"Do you believe her?"

"Yes. She's usually right about things like that. It's like a sixth-sense."

"Hmmm…I would think she'd let you make decisions for yourself. Do you think I'm a pervert?" I shrugged.

"I don't know. You did seem oddly interested in my left cheek both times we spoke." I was back on familiar ground.

"Ah, that. It looked so soft. I simply wanted to see if it was."

"Liar." I glared at him and he slumped in mock-defeat.

"Hai, you're right. I wanted to see if you'd let me. You did. What does that say about you, Tamae-san?"

"That I'm a sucker for the attention of older men." I shot back sarcastically. I gathered up my belongings. "Fine, I'll go with you."

"Really? I thought it would be much more difficult than this to talk you into it." His voice dripped with honey.

"I doubt you'll leave me alone until I do. Since I can't get any work done with you annoying me, I might as well fold. Shall we go? I have to stop at my apartment first. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all. I wouldn't mind knowing where Tamae-san lives." I scowled at him.

We walked a long time. I wasn't sure where we were going, but we sparred the entire way. I knew why I was being so standoffish, but I still shocked myself by my bitchiness. The things he said…irritated me. Yes, I was attracted to him. He knew it. I didn't trust him. He knew this, too. He went out of his way to shock me with his innuendos. It worked. This irritated me further.

We headed into a forest. I got the feeling he knew where we were going, so I simply followed him and tried to remember the route we'd taken so I could get back home. Finally, we stopped at a small, level plot of land. It had been cultivated into rows of plants.

"A garden?" I was dumbfounded.

"Hai. This was Yuki's secret base. Not terribly secret, mind you, but it brought him a measure of relief when he lived with me."

"Oh. Who is Yuki?"

"Another cousin of Rin-san's and mine. He lives at the main house now."

"Do you keep it up?" His hands didn't look like a gardener's.

"Ie. Tohru-chan comes here often to tend it. She gives me some of the vegetables and takes the rest for herself."

"Tohru-chan?"

"She lived with Yuki, Kyo and me while she attended high school. She was a little flower among us thorny men." He winked at me. I sighed, tired of his double entendres.

"Why did you bring me here?" He turned to face me and stepped so close we were almost touching. I stepped back. I didn't want to know what he would change into. Or so I told myself.

"She was an interesting girl. She never thought of herself. She always put our needs before her own. She put everyone's needs before her own, actually. She was very strong that way. I wonder if you are strong?"

"What are you talking about?" I demanded desperately. He was backing me up towards the trees that edged the clearing. "I don't know what you want from me!"

"I want to hold you." There was steel under that teasing tone. I knew he wanted me to sense it.

"Get away from me!" I backed into a tree. He leaned towards me, arms extended as though to hug me, and I ducked under one of them and darted away. He didn't follow. He just gave me a satisfied smile and leaned against the tree I had fled from. I gaped at him.

"What the hell was that about?" I knew, without asking, that I had told him what he wanted. Backpedal, girl, backpedal!

"You know. How long have you known?"

"Know what? I don't know what you're talking about!" He made a moue of disappointment.

"Wrong answer. Try again."

"What was the question?"

"How. Long. Have. You. Known?"

"Known what? That you're a pervert who just tried to assault me?" He laughed.

"Would it have been assault if you hadn't been so on guard against me, Tamae-san?" He's ruthless. He'll do whatever he can to get what he wants.

"I don't understand!"

"I think you do. Or would you like me to show you?" He advanced on me again. This time I held my ground. Would he stop before he transformed? I closed my eyes, waiting for a poof and a cloud of smoke like Haruko had described. None came. I opened my eyes to find his not an inch away.

"Would you like to know what spirit I'm possessed by?"

"Lust?" I retorted shakily.

"Did Rin-san tell you? Of course she did. How else could you know? Of course, Akito will have to be told. We simply can't let things like this run rampant. Tohru-chan was the exception after all, not the rule. And Akito will be angry. He might even put Rin-san in the hospital again." I closed my eyes in defeat and nodded.

"Hai, I know."

"How long?"

"A year."

"How did you find out?" I shook my head. He would know if I lied, and I couldn't tell him the truth without betraying my best friend.

"Isn't it enough that I know?" I've betrayed Isuzu-chan enough as it is.

"For now, I suppose that it is. You and I have much to discuss. Come with me." He moved away from me and I followed numbly. I had nowhere to hide. I had shown him where I lived; I couldn't find another apartment in the middle of the term quickly. He knew my habits. He knew how to find me if I tried anything. He led me to a large house about ten minutes from the garden. After removing our shoes, he bade me sit and went to the kitchen to make tea. When he returned he found me with my head buried in my arms, crying.

"Come now, Tamae-san, it's not as bad as all that. Have some tea. Now we negotiate the terms of my silence." I stared at him.

"She didn't tell me."

"Of course she didn't."

"I don't want her hurt."

"And she won't be if you do this right." I looked into my cup. Then I sniffled. Ugh! He looked at me for a few minutes.

"Does anyone else know that you know our secret?" I nodded.

"Ayame-san."

"Why Ayame-san?" He was genuinely curious.

"I had my suspicions. I didn't want to ask Isuzu-chan in case something like this happened. I didn't want her blamed for telling me. I would have known if she lied. So I confronted Ayame-san and he confirmed it. He warned me to stop while I still could."

"Stop what?"

"Digging."

"And?"

"I told him I was in too deep as it was. Since I knew, it didn't matter how much I knew. The danger was in me knowing to begin with, wasn't it?"

"It is." I registered the tense with a nod. My hands were wrapped around my cup, and I took strength from its warmth.

"I figured Ayame is like you. He has a serious side too, and he hides it with his obnoxious behavior. I cracked the shield and made him take me seriously."

"Do you think you can do the same with me?" He was smirking. He knew I couldn't. I might be good, but he was a master.

"Ie. I've been spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to hide this from you and gave it away anyway. I couldn't keep it a secret forever."

"I take it Isuzu-chan knows? That must have been difficult for the two of you."

"It was. It still is, sometimes. She is very afraid for me. She tries to hide it, but I know she is. Sometimes I don't hear from her for weeks at a time and I know she's debating whether it's worth being my friend if it's discovered that I know."

"I'm curious. How did you find out?"

"Is this the price of your silence?" He looked at me over his cup.

"That depends." I shook my head. Time to deal.

"I'll tell you, but I want your word that Isuzu-chan won't be harmed. Her not being hurt requires your silence. It's the only way you'll satisfy that curiosity of yours." He cocked his head, considering.

"It must be a good story."

"That's for you to decide. I want your word."

"I'm sure Rin-san has told you my word means little." I nodded.

"She said you're ruthless when you want something. That you'll do whatever it takes to get it and not care who you hurt. She said you've already hurt several of the jyuunishi."

"And what do you think?"

"I think she's right. But this is a risk I'm going to have to take, isn't it? Otherwise you'll go running to Akito-sama and I won't have any cards to play at all, will I?"

"I suppose not. You have my word. I will not tell anyone what you've told me today. Nor will I tell anyone what you're going to tell me. For now." I nodded. It was all I was going to get from him. Kami help me. I've just made a deal with the devil.

I told him everything. How I'd met Isuzu-chan, the scroll, the small characters I'd found hidden within the kanji. I told him about Haruko and Minoru and Yoshiro and how I'd managed to put it all together. I told him about what happened to the lovers. I told him about what had happened between Isuzu-chan and myself when I told her I'd confronted Ayame. Finally, I told him about how I had struggled to keep her as my friend when her every instinct was still screaming to push me away. The tea got cold and we both got hungry. He ordered takeout. I talked between bites and long into the night. It felt good to tell someone everything; it also terrified me. I was telling the one person that could ruin it all.

When I was done, I looked at my hands.

"I get the feeling you're not done yet." I looked at him.

"What do you mean?"

"You know quite a bit about us. You know even more about Rin-san. You're planning something, Tamae-san." I shrugged.

"Maybe I am. As the poem goes, `Nothing gold can stay.' I know that eventually Akito-sama will find out; when that happens, inevitably my memory will be erased. I knew that the moment I discovered the curse. The threat was real the moment I agreed to help Isuzu-chan decipher the scroll."

"What is it you want out of this?" He actually looked interested.

"What do I want? I want Isuzu-chan to be happy. I want her to be able to stand where Minoru was not. I don't know if that's possible, but I'm doing everything I can think of to make her realize that she might be able to if-"

"If…what?" I shook my head.

"I'm not sure myself. I'm going to have to take another gamble to find out for sure. I've already taken two. I don't know how much longer things will go well for me. Eventually, I'll lose."

"I think you know. Tell me. Sometimes the words we need are right there when we need them most. Tohru-chan seemed to have that ability; I think you have a small talent at it yourself." I looked at him again. I felt silly.

"I think…that if Isuzu-chan could find faith in something greater than she is then maybe she'd have a chance. She gave it up before; I don't know if I can, but I want to help her find it again."

"You're talking about love."

"Maybe. Maybe I'm talking about religion. Silly, isn't it?"

"Ie, not at all. But it's difficult for any of the jyuunishi to find strength in love. There are too many risks involved. We tend to avoid risks."

"I noticed. But Isuzu-chan took a risk with me; I'm taking a risk with you. In a way you have power over both of us now."

"You do realize that if I exercised that power, Rin-san would be hurt."

"Ayame said that, too."

"What did you tell him?"

"I said that I hoped when that happened someone else would be there to help her."

"Help her?" I nodded. His eyes lit up and he laughed.

"Tamae-san is such a romantic! She has inspired me to write about the true meaning of friendship!" He clapped his hands like an excited child. "What do you think?"

I snorted, too weary from the emotional day to muster up any kind of defense. "I think Sohma-san is full of bullshit."