Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction ❯ Facepaint ❯ Dreamers, Lucid and Otherwise ( Chapter 6 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
FY is still not mine, this is still a yaoi, etc.
Facepaint
by Sunandshadow
Chapter 6 - Dreamers, Lucid and Otherwise
Tomo woke with a smile on his lips. Thoughts still cluttered with dream fragments, he wasn't sure exactly what he was smiling about, but he had the definite if vague impression that today was going to be a good day. And oh! the bed was nice and warm this morning despite the rain he could hear drizzling on the roof! He smiled wider and lazily arched back against warm skin… wait, skin?! His amber eyes were suddenly wide open, and he twisted serpent-like beneath the heavy arm draped over his waist until he could see the owner of the warm, broad chest he had apparently been sleeping against. And was utterly disconcerted to see blond hair and a face that was as familiar to him as his own painted mask, and which he had resigned himself never to see gracing one of his pillows. N-nakago!?! No wait, wait. Not Nakago, Mareu. Green eyes hidden beneath the golden lashes. Mareu. Tomo let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, and his muscles released the tension they couldn't sustain while they were still half-asleep.
"Mareu…" Tomo murmured the name quietly to himself in a sleep-husky morning voice, just contemplating what it meant that Mareu was here in his bed. Was he disappointed that it wasn't Nakago he was waking up to? he asked himself. Well… no, actually. His most palpable emotion was relief. Nakago was slightly beyond Tomo's ability to deal with even when he was poised and alert; having to face Nakago while half-asleep was a positively frightening concept. Not that he wouldn't have jumped at the chance a year ago, but behind his jing act Tomo was naturally a cautious man… all right, timid and shy if he admitted it. And the desperate courage engendered by unrequited love had slowly worn away over the years of rejection.
Tomo was used to being a little afraid of Nakago, but usually it just added spice to the man's attractiveness; now most of the attraction belonged to Mareu, and Tomo was surprised to discover that he really was afraid of Nakago. Afraid and… angry. Angry at his rejection, disdain, neglect, of Tomo himself but also the other seishi. However, all that was a distant problem, pushed to the peripheries of Tomo's thoughts by his slightly delayed realization that he was in bed with Mareu.
This was definitely A Good Thing. Tomo focused once more on the sensations he had shut out during his little panic attack. Warmth, the soothing patter of rain, Mareu's welcoming scent and slow gentle breathing… Without thinking about it Tomo instinctively relaxed into the other man's sleeping embrace, cuddling up against that pale golden chest and nuzzling his groin against a warm thigh. (…something he'd never dare do with Nakago, commented a little thread of thought which Tomo assiduously ignored.) Amazement welled up in Tomo's chest as it occurred to him that this was the most comfortable he'd ever felt.
Mareu was a puzzle. He came from Yui's world where he had been a woman, yet he had adapted to being a man easily and so thoroughly that he had not had had any difficulty acting a male sexual role. And doing so with quite a bit of talent, thought Tomo, flushing slightly with remembered passion. Mareu did not think it unusual that Tomo was attracted to other males; the blond had even stated non-chalantly that he appreciated both sexes. Mareu did not think it odd that Tomo wore an opera costume; the man had applied Tomo's paint himself. Mareu was still a student, had a living family, healed hearts, painted dragons, grew roses… and made love to Tomo. For whatever mysterious reason, but with apparent attraction and enjoyment. Tomo mentally shook his head in bafflement (but was too cozy to actually move).
Not just fucked, which Tomo had done often enough as an actor, but made love to. Had both offered him the dominant position and permitted him the submissive position. Had kissed him breathless, compared his hair to moonlight, taken him in that hot wonderful mouth… And this when they had only known each other for a few days? The situation was beyond improbable… and all the more delicious for its unlikeliness. Tomo's smile blossomed into a little smirk at that thought. Even two days ago when Mareu had been measured by the tailor, when Tomo had surreptitiously, hungrily eyed Mareu's gorgeous broad shoulders and chest wrapped with mouth-watering muscles and soft golden skin, he had never imagined he'd be waking up couched thereon. Fantasized yes, seriously imagined no. Yet, here he was. Here they were. Nested in the gentle friction of sheets and skin on drowsy skin, the scent of sex in the air, and the rainy morning wrapping everything in cool humidity, bodies fitted together just so, like they were made to be two interlocking halves of one sculpture…
A little more awake and willing to move now, Tomo decided to take advantage of Mareu's slumber to study his… what was Mareu? His prize? No, because Tomo had not really done anything to earn Mareu's favor, not at all like the assorted missions he had undertaken in his attempt to please Na- I'm not thinking about him, damnit! Tomo reminded himself sharply.
No, Mareu was not a prize. His windfall, then? Perhaps… but Mareu was not here in his bed by sheer luck, but by Mareu's own choice, however ineffable his motives. Hmm… Mareu was like… a kirin, perhaps. A unicorn, both innocent and wise, stepping out of some magical forest to look curiously at the odd squalor and violence of the human world.
My kirin… thought Tomo. He smiled and let his eyes drift closed again, just enjoying the sensation of laying there. He was almost dozing again when suddenly the room was shaken by a disconcertingly nearby thunderbolt.
* * *
I was awakened abruptly by a monstrous lightning bolt going off with a CRACK! almost directly overhead, followed closely by a deafening thunderclap. I eeped and instinctively clung to Tomo, and if I could have crawled underneath something to get farther away from the sky, I would have. Even my balls were afraid, trying to hide up inside my body.
Tomo also started at the noise, and grumbled a few choice epithets at Soi and her thunder. Had I not been busy cowering I probably would have been amused at how quickly his expression shifted from annoyance at the storm to smug pleasure at the fact that I was clinging to him. He returned my embrace and murmured, "Don't mind the storm - it happens when Soi has a nightmare, but the noise must have awakened her also, so there shouldn't be any more lightning."
"Soi did that? Jeezus…" I muttered into Tomo's shoulder. "Normally I enjoy storms, but that was a little too close…"
"Heh, that's life with Soi. You'll get used to it." I resisted the temptation to complain that he was enjoying my discomfiture entirely too much, and instead submitted myself to his kissing and petting, letting myself be calmed. Thank goodness I was here being comforted rather than alone in my room hiding under the bed. I let my hands express my gratitude for me, fondling his narrow waist and the angles of his hips, the sweet curve of the small of his back…
As the tension left me I sighed again, this time with contentment. "Mmmm, I could stay here all day."
"You want to?"
I chuckled. "Do you think they would send someone to look for us if we didn't show up at breakfast?"
"Oh probably. Soi or Nakago would send one of the twins to investigate."
"Heh, we should probably spare them the trouble then."
"Spare them the shock, do you mean?" he inquired sarcastically, with perhaps a hint of defensiveness underneath.
"That too. Although, that would be damn funny. I can just picture it: Twin comes down the hall, knocks on the door. 'Tomo, are you in there?' 'Yes, what do you want?' 'Have you seen Mareu? We can't find him.' 'I'm here, what do you need?' Twin blinks in surprise. 'Uh… We just wanted to know why you weren't at breakfast.' 'Because we're busy. We'll be out for lunch.' Someone moans and is shushed. Twin puts two and two together, turns four shades of red, and retreats, scarred for life. Alas, how tragic!" I faked a swoon. Tomo giggled, then broke out into his full whispery laugh. I laughed with him. I like his laugh; it's just so… well… I'm not sure, but I really like it. I wonder if he's ticklish? Then I could get him to laugh more…
"It seems you have plenty of acting ability." Tomo pronounced his evaluation of my little comic routine. "You said you did stage crew and costumes and things, but never acted?"
"Yeah… I considered acting, but in order to get the good parts you usually have to be able to sing and, well, I can't. Also I was an alto, and the interesting female roles are always written for the higher voice parts. Hmm, I suppose I'm a bass now…"
Tomo looked at me in bemusement, having evidently forgotten that I used to be a woman. (Which made sense because I had been trying not to remind him because I knew thinking of me as a girl would bother him, but I had had to mention it to answer his question.) It would be a hard thing to keep in mind if you'd never seen my original form. When you see a tall, broad-shouldered blond man, even one with long hair and a bisienen face, you don't assume that a few years ago he was a teenage girl with a c-cup chest, and before that a tomboy playing with model horses. The thought gave me cognitive dissonance and I was the one living the experience!
To distract Tomo once more from this disconcerting idea, I stretched luxuriously, making my muscles go taut beneath his hands and against his body. This did indeed get his complete attention while neatly emphasizing that I was currently unquestionably masculine. He resumed petting me, slim fingers brushing lightly over the different little angles and curves of my body as he explored me. My eyes went half-lidded, not so much from physical pleasure as from the fact that at the moment he was lavishing one hundred percent of his attention on me and I was the very center of his universe. I like being the center of attention. It goes with my astrological symbol being Leo. With my blond mane, green eyes, and cattish personality I've always identified with lions, even to the extent that I occasionally express my emotions with a purr or a growl. I did so now, to express my perfect contentment: I pressed myself into Tomo's hands and let a purr vibrate the back of my throat.
Tomo's eyes widened in surprise. "How do you do that?"
I smiled lazily. "Oh, I know a lot of neat tricks." Smile expanding to an evil grin I recited:
"I know some good games we could play!" said the cat.
"I know some new tricks!" said the Cat in the Hat.
"A lot of good tricks - I will show them to you.
Your mother will not mind at all if I do."
Tomo regarded me dubiously. "A cat in a hat?"
I giggled. "It's a children's story where I come from. A poem actually. There's this magical cat, who wears a hat, out of which he pulls Things in boxes, who fly around on kites and make a big mess... it's very funny. Although I like the one about the Sneetches with and without stars better, it always seemed more relevant to my life. I have most of it memorized - remind me to tell it to you some time."
Suddenly an idea popped into my head. "Hey, I'll teach you how to purr if you tell me what you thought of for your wish yesterday!" I offered impishly.
"Oh that." Tomo smiled teasingly. "As I said, that requires preparation, and more time than we have this morning. Maybe I'll tell you this evening."
"Tease." I chuckled.
"Well… you'd have to trust me, and you really have no reason to." Suddenly I could hear the vulnerability in his voice.
I blinked. "You gonna tie me up?" I guessed. "That's ok with me, that can be fun. 'S long as the ropes aren't too tight. I'll trust you."
Blink blink. "… No, that's not quite what I had in mind… although an interesting idea…" It occurred to Tomo to wonder just how submissive Mareu was. It would be really bizarre if he ended up being the dominant one in a relationship for once.
"Well what is your idea then?" I was seriously itching with curiosity by this point.
Tomo picked up a rather drab little clam shell from the nightstand, and flicked it open, revealing that the inside was much more aesthetically pleasing, pearly and emitting a golden glow. He held the shell in the center of his palm and offered it toward me. Looking me deep in the eyes he said, "What I want is to bring you into one of my illusions."
I looked at the little shell with big hungry eyes, as if it were a coconut custard pie or a new sex toy. Or possibly a coconut custard pie intended for use as a sex toy. Yum. "Ooooh. Yesyesyes! Bring me into an illusion! I want to know what that feels like! And also, you've seen my art, at least a little; I would love the chance to see yours."
Tomo looked at me in bemusement, my reaction not at all what he had expected. "Mareu… I'll give you a warning, because you deserve that courtesy. It's more dangerous than you think. Once you're inside, you won't be able to leave without my help. Everything you see, hear, and feel will be under my control. Like in a dream, anything can happen: I could call forth your memories or block them away from you, arrange events so that you are the king of the world or running for your life. Unlike a dream, however, some of the consequences are real. If you die in the illusion, you really die. If you can't take what's going on and your mind shuts down, you go into real catatonia. I certainly don't intend for that to happen, but if I make a mistake… it could." Hn, this is sounding more and more like virtual reality.
"Tomo… that's like offering opium to an addict and then warning him that it's bad for his health. He's not gonna care. Listen, I make stories and art, that's what I do. I create aesthetic and emotional experiences - isn't that just the same thing your illusions are? Only better, in that they affect all the senses at once? Now, why do you suppose I create my entertainments? It's sure as hell not for the money or the fame, 'cause I don't get much of either! I create them because I crave to be entertained but I've already run the gamut of all the entertainment experiences there are out there. When you've read enough stories and seen enough plays new ones begin to seem like they're just amateurish remixes of the same old elements.
"There are three times in my life when I'm really content - when I'm in a creative fugue, when I'm having sex, and when I'm dreaming. You're offering me all of that rolled into one experience; I don't think I could say no even if I didn't trust you. But I do. I consider all I know about you, and I can find nothing to fear. I choose to trust you. I trust myself to be able to handle anything you can throw at me."
Tomo frowned, and I got to see a little of the haughty edge he normally reserved for Soi and underlings who needed a little bit of a threat to encourage them to do their duties well. "You are overconfident. Everyone can be broken. And you, you're so open - it doesn't seem as if you have any mental defenses, much less strong ones that would keep you sane in a very stressful situation."
"I don't have mental defenses like that because they would clash with the type of coping strategies I use. I have found that rigidity itself is a weakness, and the best strength is that of adaptability. If I had a rigid identity I wouldn't have dealt very well with suddenly finding myself male and stuck in the past in a foreign culture, now would I? 'The river wears away the mountain by flexibility and persistence.'" I quoted his own culture's proverb at him.
"Hmm. That's an interesting thought."
"Yes, isn't it. And why are you arguing with me, anyway? You tell me what you want, and then when I agree you try to talk me out of it? That's silly." I reclined temptingly. "Look, I'm here. I'm willing. Either produce an illusion or tumble me again, but let's do something!" I made cute hopeful eyes at him.
"Mareu… I don't understand you at all." he smiled ruefully, draped an arm comfortably over me, and flicked open the shell. I mentally cheered and gave myself a pat on the back for my persuasive skillz.
"Well, feel free to study me some more." I invited suggestively. To myself, however, I thought, Sometimes examining a thing too closely de-mystifies it and renders it unappealing. I was not by any means afraid that Tomo would decide I was boring; rather, I had learned the hard way that mystery is an important part of the way I am attracted to people. Following my natural impulse to study a lover until I understood them mind, body, and soul was a recipe for using up my attraction for them. One of the stranger truths of the universe is that desires are intensified by frustration and often better left unsatisfied, and an incomplete story fires the imagination ten times more than a technically superior complete one.
This, not tact, is why I haven't asked Tomo why he wears paint and feathers when he hasn't been an opera performer for six years. I will undoubtedly find out eventually, and when I do I will enjoy the further speculations this bit of information triggers and be glad I hadn't greedily asked for all the information right at the beginning of our relationship. Rationing pleasure is not something that feels natural to me, but in between the scarcity of intelligent, beautiful, available people and the universal human tendency of people to get desensitized to continuous stimuli (i.e. taking your boyfriend/girlfriend for granted), rationing is an effective technique for getting the most pleasure over the greatest period of time out a relationship.
Tomo looked up from the shell he had been concentrating on. "We don't have time to really play with the possibilities - if we had all day I could cause shin to help you tell yourself a story, as if you were dreaming but more vivid. But today I can at least give you a taste of how it works. So, are you ready?" I set my overly-rational thoughts aside and nodded enthusiastically, thrilled to have a chance to taste a completely new experience. Tomo nodded, looked at me in concentration, and… the world disappeared.
.
..
…
….
…..
……and the blackness of total sensory deprivation was suddenly replaced by a room. Thoughts that had stilled into nothing stumbled upright and lurched into motion again. Where am I? This feels kind of like a dream, but my senses are clearer. Besides, I'm lucid enough to be thinking this and by the time I go lucid in a dream there's usually some plot going on - here there's just nothing. I turned around to see if there was anything behind me or just more blank room. The swish of the air over my skin drew my attention to the fact that I was naked, but this wasn't terribly alarming because I was often naked in my dreams.
There was indeed nothing behind me, but I saw a flash of purple out of the corner of my eye; turning again I found an indigo fainting couch with a black robe draped over it. I picked up the robe and examined it - it was black silk embroidered with gold dragons, each having a green gem for its eye. Nice. I put the robe on.
There was a knock on the door, so naturally I answered it. And there stood a beautiful young man whom I immediately recognized, even if I coldn't quite place his name... "Oh, there you are!" I grinned at him. "I knew you were around here somewhere."
He blinked at me, brow furrowed in confusion. "You did? That's not right..."
Now it was my turn to be confused. "Why, are you supposed to be a secret? I didn't know there were secrets in this dream."
"Wait, you know you're dreaming?"
"Well of course, I always know I'm dreaming. If I didn't, I couldn't do this, could I?" To demonstrate what this was I carefully concentrated and 'assumed' a secret drawer into being in the frame of the fainting couch; then I turned around, opened the drawer, took out a yellow-orange rose, and handed it to him. "See?"
He looked utterly taken aback. "But- but you're not supposed to be able to do that!" Speaking more to himself than to me, he murmured thoughtfully, "The only time anyone's been able to do anything like that is when Nakago... when Nakago recognized one of my illusions as such and forced his way out of it."
I tipped my head and tried to remember why that name was familiar. "Nakago, Nakago... oh right, that's the one who's my twin, isn't it? Well naturally if I'm a lucid dreamer than he must be too."
"A lucid... what?"
"Don't you know? A lucid dreamer is someone who is aware of and able to manipulate his dreams, at least to a small extent. And I am a lucid dreamer. But I have to be careful, because if I try too hard I wake up."
Tomo (oh yes, that was the name that went with those marvelous golden eyes) looked at me speculatively. "Do that, right now. Try to wake up and see if you can, okay?"
I blinked at the odd notion of trying to wake up when before I had always tried to stay asleep, but with the placid suggestibility of dreamers everywhere I was perfectly happy to adopt this goal as my own. "Errm, okay, if you like. I need to try to do something big..." Reshaping the room should be complicated enough to do it.
I looked at the fainting couch and made it grow claw feet and green velvet upholstry. I looked at the wall behind it and made it a plate glass window with a penthouse view of New York's night skyline. Hmm, still not enough... I turned to another wall and (this took more concentration) made it another window, this time with a view on a jungle with sunny afternoon light. Now I could feel my dream presence getting shaky, but it still wasn't quite enough - I needed something that resisted... Grinning brightly I turned back to Tomo, who was still gaping at the windows. Carefully I evaluated him with my artist's eye... then I started replacing his wardrobe. His black boots grew to thigh-length and developed sexy lacings up the front, and their leather turned supple and butter-soft. His pants disappeared in favor of a black leather mini-skirt with built-in garters which were clipped to the fishnet thigh highs just peeking over the tops of the boots, and his jacket and undershirt morphed into a male-cut corset... at which point he noticed what I was doing, squeaked in alarm, instinctively resisted... and I woke up.
... Blink, blink-blink. Oh, I'm in bed with Tomo. That's good. What a weird dream... wait, there's that shell in his hand! That wasn't a dream, it was an illusion - we were both awake before, and he agreed to show me an illusion...
The glow in the shell winked out, and Tomo's eyes opened. "Mareu, what the hell- !?" He noticed me regarding him with equal confusion and paused mid-shout.
"So, erm, I take it that wasn't quite what was supposed to happen?" I asked hesitantly.
Tomo shook his head mutely, then took a deep breath. "Now that you're awake and thinking coherently, why don't you try telling me what lucid dreaming is?"
I grimaced. "Yeah, I'm stupid when I'm sleeping. Nakago's 'the one who's my twin' so naturally he must be a lucid dreamer too? That's jumping to conclusions if ever I've heard such a thing."
Tomo coughed a laugh. "Actually I think you might be right about that. But if you would be so kind as to explain...?"
"Oh right, sorry. See, there are different kinds of sleep, and people only dream during the lightest kind, when they're closest to being awake. So close to being awake that some parts of your brain actually do wake up. For a normal sort of dream the only part of your brain that's awake is the subconscious part that worries about things and makes up the story of your life - this is called the id. But for a lucid dreamer another part, called the ego, also wakes up. This is the part that you use to put together sentences and logically analyze things, so a lucid dreamer (like me) can recognize that they're dreaming and exert some control over the dream. But because the superego, the part of your brain that recognizes inconsistencies and ridiculous things, is still sleeping, a lucid dreamer can still do typically dreamlike illogical things like fly and make objects change shape and color for no apparent reason. But if I work too hard at it while I'm dreaming, I wake the rest of the way up because I'm not very deeply asleep to begin with. Um... got all that?"
"Uh... I think so. Do you ever dream the normal way? I mean, not that I think you're weird or anything, but..." Tomo fumbled for a way to repair his faux pas, but I just chuckled.
"Of course I'm weird. I think I would be truly offended if anyone ever accused me of being 'normal'." I mock-shuddered at the idea. "But yes, I do dream normally sometimes, it's just difficult for me to get to the right depth of sleep."
"Hmm..." Tomo bit his knuckle thoughtfully. "I could probably control that... tell you to go more deeply to sleep, and then your subconscious could direct the story properly..."
I noticed that I was getting quite hungry and sighed. "But we don't have time today, right?"
Tomo glanced at the window. "Yes, you're right - we had better get up now or we'll miss breakfast." He sat up and ran a hand through his hair, but it caught on a snarl and he grimaced, muttering to himself, "Oh great, it's going to take me forever to get all these knots out..." He noticed that I had over heard him and blushed guiltily. "Erm, not that I'm complaining..."
I chuckled. "Oh, I know exactly how annoying it is - my hair may not be as long as yours but it tangles something fierce because it's naturally wavy... Here, I'll tell you what: I'll go get dressed and when I'm done I'll come back over here and help you, how's that?"
"Help me?" he asked faintly.
"Sure, help you brush the knots out - I mean, if you don't mind?" Now that I though about it, it did seem the sort of thing he would be shy about. "I know how to do it without pulling, goodness knows I've done it often enough for my little sister and a girlfriend here and there..."
Tomo started at the word 'girlfriend' and I thought, Uh oh, tactical error... but then his look shifted to one of shy resolve. "A-alright... I'd be glad if you'd help. It would be nice... I haven't had someone else brush my hair since I was a child."
I gave him my most dazzlingly beatific smile as a reward for his courage. "Wonderful, then I'll come back over here as soon as I'm washed and dressed!"
Tomo nodded, so I retrieved my dressing gown from the floor and threw it on, then hurried out the door and over to my own room.