Fushigi Yuugi Fan Fiction ❯ Scars ❯ Aftermath ( Chapter 10 )

Yeah, the angst starts now. This chapter is going to be pretty depressing, but stick with me, I'm gonna make it better, hopefully...

All right. On with the story.

------Scars ------

-Genrou -

I didn't want to believe it. I had finally found Chichiri, only to realize that in this life, it was my fault that he only had one eye.

I barely registered Houjun telling me that he was going to take a shower and read for a while before he went to bed. I was too dazed by everything I'd remembered. I think I nodded, because Houjun smiled and left the room.

It couldn't be true. I couldn't have done that to Chichiri, could I? Even as an accident...I loved him more than life itself, and I knew I couldn't live with myself, knowing how I'd hurt him.

I knew what I had to do.

I went and found my old knife. I couldn't believe it had still been in that alley after all these years, but now I was grateful that it had been. It was the only appropriate instrument for what I was about to do.

Finding paper and a pen, I wrote a note to Chichiri.

Carrying it, I walked back to the kitchen, studying the blade. Under the blood-his blood, I thought, my heart aching-the blade was somehow still sharp and shiny. The knife was beautiful, really.

I felt detatched from everything as I walked over to the sink, as though I was outside myself, watching from somewhere up near the ceiling.

I turned the water on hard and held my arm over the sink, pressing the knife blade against my wrist...

--Houjun --

I took a short shower. I could hear water running as I dried off and dressed, but I didn't think anything of it. It was probably someone washing dishes in another apartment.

"Genrou?" I called as I left the bathroom.

No answer.

I could tell now that the water was running in our apartment. But that couldn't be...unless maybe Genrou decided to wash dishes? Doubtful. Especially since we'd eaten out...

"Tasuki?" I said, walking into the kitchen.

Something wasn't right. Genrou was hunched over the sink, his breathing ragged and loud. The water was on full blast, and there was a faint smell of...of...

Blood.

"Chiri...!" He turned a little, his arms still in the sink. His face was pale, and his eyes were wide and frightened. "I'm sorry...Chiri...I did it...it was my fault...hate myself..."

I was frozen. He couldn't have...it couldn't be..."Tasuki? What are you talking about...?"

"I...love ya…Chiri." He gasped. "Al...ways..." He slumped forward over the sink.

"Tasuki!" I yelled, running forward. "Oh, gods..." Both of his wrists were slashed, the blood mingling with the water from the tap and running down the drain. The knife was still in his right hand. "No! Not again..."

Looking around frantically, I spotted a pair of towels. I grabbed them and pressed them to Genrou's wrists, praying that I wasn't too late. I made sure he was breathing, and then called 911, trying to keep Genrou's wrists elevated and keep pressure on them as I talked to the person who answered the phone.

As I hung up after explaining the situation, I noticed a piece of paper on the counter by the sink. I picked it up and put it into my pocket.

"Don't die on me now...not when I've just found you," There were tears on my cheeks, but I made no move to wipe them away. All of my attention was focused on Genrou.

The bleeding wouldn't stop. I pressed the towels even tighter, but the blood still soaked through the thin material, staining my hands.

There was a knock at the door. After tying the now-soaked towels tightly around Genrou's arms, I went to answer the door.

The paramedics stepped into our apartment. "Where is he?" the taller one asked.

"He's here," I led them to the kitchen.

They carried Genrou out of the apartment. I followed them into the elevator and out to the ambulance. They untied the towels around Genrou's wrists and bandaged him properly. I was allowed to ride in the back of the ambulance with him.

When we arrived at the hospital, Genrou was taken away immediately. They told me that I should go home, that he'd likely be unable to have any visitors for hours, if not a day or more. I couldn't leave. I needed to be there when Genrou woke up.

So I sat in the waiting room, picking up magazines that I had no interest in and staring at articles that couldn't distract me from my worry. It was when I realized that I had read the same sentence four times, and I still had no idea what it said, that I gave up. I threw the magazine aside and sighed. I couldn't concentrate on anything, but I couldn't sit and do nothing.

I needed a piece of gum. Sometimes chewing gum helped me calm down. I sifted through my pockets, and I did find some gum, but I also found something I'd forgotten-the piece of paper I'd taken from the counter when I found Tasuki. I unfolded it. The handwriting was Genrou's.

Dear Chichiri,

I've never been good with words, but I'm gonna try to explain things for you.

Four years ago, I was a thief. A pickpocket. I didn't want to hurt anyone, but I did, once. I forgot it until today. I think I might have made myself forget. But when we kissed and we got our memories back, I remembered that too.

Four years ago, I tried to take someone's wallet, and he caught me. Literally. He wouldn't let me go. I had this knife. I didn't use it, ever. But that day, I pulled it out, hoping I could scare the guy into letting me go. When that didn't work, I decided (stupidly) to swing it behind me. I thought the guy would see it and duck out of the way.

But he didn't.

I took his eye out. There is nothing I regret more in my life. No matter who the guy was, I'd feel terrible about it.

But it was you. I think you'd figured that out by now...

And now that I remember, I hate myself. I can't live with myself, knowing what I've done, because I love you. More than anything.

So I have to do this. I understand that you'll hate me. But I hope that you can forgive me someday, because I'll miss you, Chiri. I hope we can be friends in our next life, if we find each other.

Goodbye , love.

Tasuki

The letter slipped from my fingers and fluttered to the floor. I was beyond shock. I could barely even think. Slowly, I began to understand. Before he'd passed out, Tasuki had said "I'm sorry, Chiri. I did it. It's my fault. " He had meant that he'd given me my scar.

I couldn't believe it. Tasuki was the one that had given me my scar. It had been an accident. At least I knew that he wouldn't deliberately hurt someone. Would he? No, Genrou wouldn't lie like that.

I had a sudden flash of memory.

"Aw, don' kill it!" He clapped his mug against the wall, confining the arachnid.

"D'you have, like, an index card `r somethin'?"

I passed him a deck of cards. He took two off the top and slid them under the cup. In this way, he carried the spider over to the window, setting it free outside.

"I don' like spiders much, but I don' want anythin' ta die."

I couldn't help smiling as I recalled the earnest look on Tasuki's face as he'd said that. Yes. That was Genrou. He'd never hurt someone on purpose.

Brushing my bangs aside, I ran two fingers over the thick ridge of scar tissue that sealed my eye shut.

I realized that there was something I still needed to do.

I walked to the receptionist's desk. "Is there a phone I can use nearby, no da?"

--Hikou --

I was reading when the phone rang. I picked up, wondering who would be calling at this hour.

"Hello?"

"Hikou?"

"Houjun? What's wrong?"

"Can you get Kouji on an extension?" he sounded strained. "What I have to tell you concerns both of you."

"Okay..." I held the phone away from my head, covering the mouthpiece. "Kouji? Can you pick up the extension? Houjun wants to talk to both of us."

Kouji picked up. "Houjun? What's up?" Worry was evident in his voice.

Houjun took a deep breath, "I'm at the hospital, no da. It's Genrou...he tried to commit suicide."

"WHAT?!" Kouji and I yelled in unison. Genrou wouldn't do that...

"Do you know why?" I asked.

Houjun was silent. Finally, he said "Yes..." so softly I almost missed it. I was about to ask if he wanted us to come when Kouji spoke up.

"Hikou `n me'll be right there. Just hang on, okay, Houjun?"

"He can't have visitors right now," Houjun told him.

"We're coming for you, ya idiot."

"Thanks, Kouji." I could hear the sad smile in Houjun's words.

"What're friends fer?" Kouji asked. "We'll see ya in a coupla minutes."

"All right." Houjun said. "Bye."

We hung up and went straight out to the car.

"I don't understand," I murmured. "Genrou seems like the last person who'd ever try something like this..."

Kouji shook his head. "I never woulda thought he'd do this. I can't imagine why he would."

After that, we drove in silence.

Houjun was waiting for us in the entryway of the hospital. His eye was red and his cheeks were tearstained. When he saw us, he smiled in a way that didn't reach his eyes.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine." He said. "Genrou's the one who slit his wrists..."

"I don' get it. Why'd he do that?" Kouji voiced what we were both wondering.

Fresh tears escaped from Houjun's good eye. "It was because he remembered something he had forced himself to forget..."

"What's that?"

"He remembered that...that he was the one who gave me my scar..." Houjun's voice was barely a whisper.

"He WHAT?!" Kouji exclaimed.

Houjun nodded.

"Oh, gods..." I murmured.

Kouji looked shocked. "Well...what're ya gonna do?"

"I forgive him." Houjun said firmly. "But from what he said in his...the note he left...the real problem will be making him forgive himself..."

Kouji looked amazed. "Y'can forgive him?"

"Yes, no da. I know it was an accident. Genrou isn't the type of person who would hurt someone intentionally." Houjun blushed a little. "Besides, I love him...When I saw him slumped over the sink like that, all I could think was `What would I do if I lost him?'" Houjun shuddered. "I couldn't lose someone else like that."

Kouji looked like he was about to ask what Houjun meant, but I shot him a look that said "Drop it."

We stayed with Houjun until we were sure that he would be all right. Even then, we only left because he insisted that we go home and get some sleep. We tried to convince him to go home as well, but he refused. He did promise to call us when Genrou could have visitors, though.

"D'ya think he'll be okay?" Kouji asked.

"The doctors think he'll be fine. He should wake up soon." I caught Kouji's expression and added, "And Houjun will be much better once Genrou's awake."

Kouji smiled.

-Genrou -

Why ain't I dead? I wondered. Or am I dead, an' I've gone ta Hell?

I knew it couldn't be Heaven, because my I had a splitting headache, my wrists were on fire, my mouth and throat were completely dry and I felt kind of queasy. On the other hand, if this was Hell, it wasn't as bad as I'd expected it to be. It was remarkably like a hospital...

That's when the doctor came in. "Ah, you're awake. Good. We would have worried if you'd been unconscious much longer."

Okay, so I wasn't dead. Probably.

"How do you feel?" She asked. "Is there anything you need?"

I ignored her first question. "Y'think I could have some water?" I asked, slightly hoarse.

"Certainly."

As I sipped the tepid water they'd brought me, I wondered again why I wasn't dead. Then I remembered. Chichiri had found me. Right before I passed out, he'd come into the kitchen and seen me, half dead, bleeding into the sink.

Oh, gods...poor Chiri. I'd hoped he'd find me after I was dead, and all (or at least most) of the blood had washed away. Not that that would be that much better, I guess. But then he would have found the note, and he would have understood why I'd done it. Maybe his anger would have kept him from being too sad...

Come to think of it, he must have found the note anyway, I reasoned. I wondered if he hated me now, and wished he'd left me to die...

I wished I was dead.

"Mr. Kou!" I could tell by the tone of the doctor's voice that she'd tried to get my attention several times already. I smiled wanly at her.

"Sorry. I was jus' thinkin'..."

"Well, I wanted to tell you that if you feel up to it, there's a gentleman who's been sitting in the waiting room since he brought you in. I think it would make him very happy if you'd see him. He saved your life, you know."

My eyes widened. It had to be Houjun. He had to be the one who'd brought me in...Why would he still be here? Maybe he hadn't found the note?

I wanted to see him, I needed to see him, but the idea scared me. I took a deep breath, turning to the doctor. I nodded.

"I'd like ta see him."

--Houjun --

As I walked through the hallway that the nurse had directed me down, I realized that I was nervous. Somehow, in spite of the note, I felt as though Genrou's suicide attempt was my fault. As though the memories I'd brought back to him, his memories of us, had been too much for him to bear.

I pushed the thought away and looked into Genrou's room. He was there, of course, lying on the bed, his face turned away from the door.

"Genrou?" I said softly, just loud enough for him to hear me.

He turned to face me, and I could see the anxiety on his face. "Houjun..." he murmured. "Th' doctor said ya'd been here since ya brought me in. How long ya been waitin' fer me?"

"Since last night. I slept in one of the chairs in the waiting room, no da..." I smiled sheepishly.

Genrou looked amazed. "Why?"

"I had to know if you were all right, of course..." I said, surprised. "I wanted to be here when you woke up."

"Didn'...didn' ya find th' note?" He sounded apprehensive.

"I found it, no da."

Genrou just stared at me. I knew that he assumed I'd hate him once I found out what he'd done. What I didn't know was how to explain that he was the one person on Earth that I could forgive, no matter what he'd done. That I would die, cheerfully, if I thought it would make him happy. I didn't know the words that would make him believe that I still loved him.

But I had to try to tell him. I couldn't let him go. That was what last night had taught me.

"Tasuki," I began, then paused, unsure of how to continue. "Last night I almost lost you. If I'd been in the shower just a few more minutes, you would have died. I can forgive what you did to me four years ago. I can do it for two reasons. First, because I know you. You would never hurt anyone purposely. I can only imagine what it must have been like to realize what you'd done to someone as an accident that day. It's no wonder you blocked it out."

By this time, I had tears in my eye. As I continued, they began to fall. "Second, I can forgive you because I love you. But because I love you, it's a little harder to forgive you for trying to leave me." I squeezed my eye shut. "Just promise me you'll never do that again, Tasuki. I couldn't handle that."

I opened my eye as I felt Tasuki brush away the tears on my cheek. With tears in his eyes, he asked, "How c'n ya be so amazin'?"

I took his hand between both of my own, and then leaned down and kissed him gently. When I pulled away, I kept holding his hand.

"I believe in second chances, Genrou." I sighed. "I have to. I'm on mine."

"What?" Genrou asked. "What do you mean, you're on your second chance...?"

I looked down at his hand. Flipping it palm-up, I traced the lines on it gently with my thumb.

"I think it's time I told you about Kouran."

-----To be continued.

Of course. Hahaha. I've been planning that moment for a while now. Anyway, next chapter will be angsty, too, it just won't be the same kind of angst. (Like there's any other kind of angst that's quite like Tasuki attempting suicide...) And yeah, I had the flashback to the spider scene planned when I first wrote the spider scene. That's why it had to be Tasuki that didn't want the spider killed.

Geez, angst and sap in the same chapter...what the hell am I doing? I guess I just can't stand to leave them unhappy for too long...

~Ambika