Gensomaden Saiyuki Fan Fiction ❯ Frivolous Lovers ❯ Chapter 1

Frivolous Lovers

Gensoumaden Saiyuki

Chapter One

The continuous shouting could definitely be heard below, much to the embarrassment of Hakkai and the indifference only Sha Gojyo could manage. Then again, nothing could stir the redhead's attention away from the striking barmaid he had his arm around as the man flirted to his heart's content.

"Like what the hell do you want me to say? That I should bow down and kiss your fucking feet or something?! Is that it?!"

"I didn't say that! All I want is some response from you each time I say I love you! Is that so hard for you to manage?!

"Shut the hell up!"

"You shut up!"

Below, Hakkai managed to stifle his embarrassment, sinking down his seat. Even though there was possibly no way for anyone to connect him to his companions upstairs, who had successfully stole the limelight and earned themselves quite a reputation. Although it was somewhat tolerable if one came out announcing their preferences of the same gender, they definitely won't be accepted.

Hakkai was getting a bit anxious. The fight seemed worse than any of his friends had had before...

There were muffled sounds of objects being thumped into the wall - and much to Hakkai's start - followed by glass shattering. The terrible noise drew much attention to the stairs of the small building - just when they were minding their own business -the innkeeper was darting curious glances between Hakkai, Gojyo and the stairs, most probably wondering if she should give them the boot for making such a scene. Hakkai couldn't blame her - his friends were making a lot of racket.

At the far end of the upstairs hallway, the door quickly flew open with a loud bang. A harsh breathing young teen rushed out, paused and whirled around, took a deep breath and yelled at the top of his lungs," I totally hate you!"

His eyes brimmed with enraged tears - much to his annoyance - hurriedly he brushed them away from his eyes before swaggering straight back to his own hotel room and totally ignoring Genjo Sanzo's equally loud comeback.

Obviously making Sanzo spit out the words is like asking for the moon.

He stomped his foot angrily on the ground - just so he could release this pent up frustration - as he stormed straight into the room next door, throwing the door open and slamming it as hard as he could. For a split second, he was contented in releasing his anger by kicking the wood of the door which, allowed itself to be a punching bag for the moment.

Damn, this just wasn't working.

Goku laid both hands on the smooth wood of the door and rested his forehead against it, for a moment, drained from the emotional energy. Oh darn, here it comes... His shoulders shook with suppressed sobs, before the water dam broke and the tears finally came out. It was always like this, whenever he and Sanzo got into some ridiculous fight over every little thing, and he was left with this despicably heavy feeling on his shoulders that weighed a ton of bricks, and he hated that feeling, for it made him feel weak.

Son Goku was anything but weak.

"Just what is wrong with you, anyway?" Goku mumbled under his breath, his hands clenching into tight fists. His knees shook, and he slid down to the floor where he lay sprawled with his back against it. He brought his knees to his chest where he wrapped his arms around it, head resting on them as he sunk deep into his gloom. Misery loves company - so where were his friends when they were needed?

Another night, where it began quite harmoniously - and ended quite disastrous.

It was everyday, everyday when he declared his undying devotion - quite vehemently, he had to admit - to his master, only to be distracted when he was thrown in bed and ravaged. He didn't mind it, at first, but lately, Sanzo had become more distant and aloof towards him than ever. It was a week ago when Goku earned himself a bloody nose when he tried to put his arms around Sanzo.

In public, Goku would have understood - as Sanzo was too keen on the idea of public affections - but in front of their two friends who already knew their secret? Something was obviously wrong here. Goku wasn't that much of a dim-wit not to realize that.

Where's Hakkai? Ero-kappa? Hakuryu? Goku stared around dazedly at the empty room, his tired eyes now registering the absence of his fellow friends. Oh yeah, they're down there. Which meant... they must have heard every word.

Just great. Now they would never let him live it down.

With great effort, Goku pushed himself up the floor and held on to the door for support when his vision faltered slightly.

"Pathetic," Goku mocked himself, dragging his feet and body to the queen-sized bed where he flopped down, and stared impassively at the closed door.

"Sanzo, I love you so much," he said aloud to himself, and absently reached for a pillow. "You see why I'm mumbling to myself like an idiot? Yeah, because I love you."

"Yeah, so much." He hugged the pillow to his chest and fell down onto the soft bed with a muffled sigh.

"So why won't you tell me how you feel about me?" He closed his eyes.

"You didn't push me away before. What's wrong?"

He dreamt an enigmatic dream. A great set of doors gleamed silver gilt in the nightfall, standing as grand and still as a sky that governed the lands as the Goddess of Mercy upon her throne. It towered above everything else and majestically rose up to the dark night. Trees rustled in response to the sudden gust of wind. Lilac petals fluttered around behind the refuge of trees before settling down on the ground gently, some were crushed under the heel of a passerby, strolling quietly along the path. The night provided little warmth.

There was only darkness, and more... darkness. Brushing away the thick branches that obscured the view, the forest gave way to an open path, leading to the magnificent doors. Light contrasted against the darkness of where he stood now, enveloping the door, flickering and hinting of diminution - the light that shone with foreign brilliance.

When he walked, the wind chimed along with him, whispering to his ears their secrets. He paid no attention to them for his eyes were focused on the door, and only the door. Flora and wildlife sprang alive instantly when stepped on and the winds became deafening howls.

When he reached the door, glimmering with overwhelming brilliance...

... He found it locked.

He pushed against the door with all his strength, and pounded it with his fists when it wouldn't budge. Let me out , he said as his heart began to pound uncontrollably, I don't want to be stuck here forever.

It mercilessly chose to remain silent, and he sought a way around the door. It was only a door that was the only obstacle, he thought. He peered around and found that behind the door was the exact same scenery as the one his back was facing right now.

Then he looked close, and saw that the wildlife that had sprouted so vibrantly before, now lay in a pile of nothing more than dead remains on the ground. Small petals tumbled to the ground, butterflies swarmed around; some were caught in the sticky - sinister - liquid that was glued onto the branches of the tree. The beautiful shade of lilac tainted by the repulsive red seeping into it. Dark blood splattered against the tree, almost reveling in the dark that he had fought so hard to get out of. The blood continued etching its way down the tree, dripping on the trunk and staining the lawn with its malice. He tore his eyes away from the scene and turned around.

Only to find the same thing happening.

He was terrified.

I don't want to be stuck here forever.

It was then that he saw himself leaning against the bloody tree - hugging the sanguine covered bark - weeping a river of tears from the far distance.

It was then that he knew he would always be alone, forever.

Goku's eyes sharply snapped open, as he shot upright from the bed and shuddered. He desperately fought to refocus his vision in the darkness, the awful scene now fading from his head. Sweat mingled with tears and he brushed them away.

That was some dream. Creepy.

He didn't get dreams like that! Someone must've fooled around with his head - he would place a ten on Goddess Kanzeon here.

"A dream...? ...A... dream," he laughed and wrapped his arms around his body to cease his quivering. The nightmare, it had felt so real. The boy peered around his surroundings, taking in the view of the darkened sky through the shut windows and the dimly lit lamp that hung on the wall at the far end of the room. It cast a comfortable light of orange around the room. Goku yawned. "But I never get dreams. So what does that mean? ... Maybe I'm just hungry."

"Oh geez, must have fallen asleep. Wonder why they didn't wake me up."

He swung his legs over to the floor and bumped against something. It was Hakkai, snuggling comfortably under the covers of his thick mattress and snoring softly with Hakuryu beside him. Goku grinned, because he, for once, had taken the bed without dealing with the problem of fighting over it with...

Hakkai

Wait a minute - wasn't Sanzosupposed to be his roommate?

At the sudden thought of his lover, the painful recollection of their fight brought a wave of butterflies swarming in his stomach, his face falling as he recalled the harsh words they had exchanged with each other. A lump grew in his throat and Goku sat back down.

"No, no, I don't want to remember." H fell face down and covered a pillow under his head. His heart thumped painfully when he saw Sanzo's face contorted with rage. Rage directed solely at him.

"I shouldn't have lost it. Shouldn't have yelled at him, shouldn't have demanded from him. He hates that." Goku winced. "... My fault. Sorry." The words were uttered out simply due to the spur of the moment, where he was caught up in the rage. No matter how much Sanzo annoyed him, it would take slightly more than that for Goku to blow a fuse. It was up to him to right this wrong; it was painfully obvious that Sanzo won't be the one to take the first step in making up. But Goku didn't stir from his position.

`No, I'm too nervous.' He ignored the continuous rumbling of his empty stomach, for once patting it for consolation. What if Gojyo's there to see Sanzo yelling at me? He'll never let me live it down. I'll make it up to him in the morning. Then, after Sanzo's done screaming at me, we'll continue on.

And for the next half hour, Goku twisted and turned, trying to will himself to sleep. But his head swarmed with images of Sanzo's features being contorted in the harsh way that held the responsibility of keeping Goku up this late - that he had managed to make Sanzo lose his cool, Sanzo's harsh words, and finally, the blow of Goku's last words.

I totally hate you.

With a guilty gulp, Goku gave up trying to sleep and threw his covers away, scrambled out of bed, being careful not to trip over Hakkai in the process. No, he should be making up with Sanzo right now, he so didn't mean the terrible words that flew out of his mouth!

I could never hate you.

The words were never spoken truer, striking a pang in his heart as his feet began automatically walking out the door. Sanzo was his keeper, his friend, his lover, his teacher... Sanzo had rescued him from the awful darkness and shawn him the path of light; nothing could change the fact that Goku was indebted to him forever, bound to him by the chains of fate. Sanzo was, in truth, the only thing that he had in his life. Caught up entirely in the mood for self-pity, Goku even sniffed a little for effect, and liking the outcome, he sniffed louder. He stopped in front of the door, feeling the butterflies in his stomach again as he trailed out and shut the door behind him, wincing when it had closed louder than he had intended.

"I will do this, or no more food for me until I actually get over this whole thing."

Goku snorted to himself, knowing full well how ridiculous his words were. Not a day had passed when he didn't stuff his mouth with food. Thinking about food made Goku's stomach protest louder, and the boy made a note to head down for some refreshments (the refrigerator?) after his little problem was sorted out. "Strange that he has that effect on me." He shook his head. "Food always comes first."

He focused back on walking towards Gojyo's door, intending to knock gently because of Sanzo's extremely sharp hearing, all due to the fact that he didn't want to wake a certain someone who had the ability to shoot Goku's ear off.

"I came here, to apologize," Goku's voice trailed off, and he shook his head, trying again. Apologizing to a narrow-minded man for something he had actually done, was something Goku wasn't too familiar with. "Sanzo, I'm really sorry... argh, Sanzo, I never meant what I said...!" Goku exhaled in exasperation.

"So what'd I say... what'd I say..." Goku's fingers reached for the doorknob. "Maybe I should have done this tomorrow...?"

No, he shouldn't... and yet, Sanzo would have a fine time exploding his temper on Goku if he was ever stirred up... the man was known for his absurdity to wake up at noon... All right then. Morning, it was. Though Goku couldn't see how he could manage to survive till morning without any sleep.

Just then, his ears picked up the sounds of a faint noise, just coming from Gojyo's room. It wasn't loud exactly - and it was so very soft, but it was there. Goku stopped in his tracks and stared in puzzlement. What was going on? Was Sanzo having a nightmare? Gojyo? Were they in trouble? Shooting each other's brains out?

Unable to help himself, Goku leaned forward and pressed his ear against the door, holding his breath and wondering if they were actually playing a game. If they did... Goku wouldn't be the only one throwing a tantrum for not being included! Well, they did purchase this game earlier - what was its name? Snakes and Ladders?

Another faint sound drifted to his ears, this time, much louder. A moan. For a full minute, Goku was stumped, eyes wide.

What the hell was that?

Huh?

Goku pressed harder against the door, but not that severe that he would somehow intrude his way in. They weren't playing a game... they weren't having nightmares... maybe wet dreams? Gojyo was definitely capable of doing that - Goku knew that from past experiences, and Goku couldn't see Sanzo moaning his lungs out, much less writhing around.

So...

What was going on?

Should I go in?

And there it was again, the soft - much louder - noise that hammered itself into Goku's head. Goku's eyes were wide with confusion, not knowing what to make of it.

No, don't tell me.

Goku's chest tightened with dread. Please no! This was Gojyo and Sanzo we're talking about. It can't be true!

Goku stepped back, each step drawing him further and further from the room. He stared at the door disbelief. bef Gently, he retraced his steps and placed his hands on the doorknob and turned, his heart pounding wildly and the sound of blood rushed to his ears. The door creaked slightly as Goku opened it - just a little, enough to peek in. Bracing himself for what his eyes were about to see, he hoped against hope that what he was thinking turned out to be nothing more than his imagination.

Please no... no way...

Even though the room was overwhelmed in darkness, Goku could clearly make out the movements of two people struggling with each other. They're... fighting? Heck, I'm over-reacting because of a fight? The redhead must have pissed Sanzo off, for whatever it was that he did. Stupidly, Goku started to smile for even thinking of such a thing, and with a flaming face, he quickly backed out of the door before they saw him...

Wait.

They were fighting each other.

In bed?

No.

Goku stared in shock as he watched his lover on top of his friend, their limbs tangled together under their creaking bed, running their hands over each other and kissing with a fierceness that shook Goku. This was the ultimate act of betrayal that had instantly, and successfully, shattered Goku's life into a million pieces.

No... no way...

He watched with dull eyes, the pain so unbelievably unbearable that it spread like wildfire throughout his body and quickly numbed, growing hot and cold at the same time. He was forced to watch through disbelieving eyes, their flames now smothered by grief, forced to watch Gojyo's face twist in pleasure and hear the low moans that came from both of them. His body froze, and the screams grew continuous inside Goku's head, not once did his face and body betray the aching, stingingpain he felt for his expression adopted blankness.

They want to hurt you, Goku. To tear you apart to shreds. Feel the pain that they caused you, and get used to it.

So you may never allow yourself to be hurt like this again.

Without even thinking - without even knowing - what he was doing, Goku placed his hand on the door and deliberately banged it hard against the wall, the loud noise startled both of them into immobility. The light from outside the door partially flooded the room, enough to see Sanzo and Gojyo's face freeze. His limp hand fell from the doorknob, and he just stood there, not breathing, his dull eyes now reflected the eyes of a motionless doll.

Motionless doll...

Run away. Run away before they could laugh at you.

"Goku!"The name rolled off Gojyo's lips as he pushed his body away from Sanzo's, as if he was hot coals, and began to gather his discarded clothing hurriedly. "Shit, it's not..." Gojyo started to plead in desperation, but Goku's head instinctively blocked out the useless words.

What the hell are you standing there like an idiot for? Run away!!!

"Goku..." Sanzo could do nothing but murmur? The voice had cracked just the slightest bit when he spoke, but Goku was unable to hear anything except that the sound of Sanzo's voice, which enabled him to finally feel the numbing pain. He never imagined the pain could actually hurt his insides. He raised eyes that lost their gold, to Sanzo, who had started to say something.

Move. Move! Before he hurts you again. Run away, before he would have a chance to destroy what's left of you. Goku, move.

Goku's mouth parted slightly for air, before he whirled around and ran with animal-like speed, aided by his desperation to separate the distance between them. Running down the stairs, he nearly tripped over his own two feet. Clumsily he steadied himself and rushed passed the innkeeper, who was startled awake by the thundering of Goku's footsteps.

"Hey, it's two in the morning..." He barely heard the words.

He heard rushed footsteps stampeding down the stairs after him. His eyes finally overflowed with tears, for the second time that night, as he desperately pulled the handle of the door and pushed it open with the force of his shoulder and stumbled out into the cool air brushed against his tear-stained face.

"No... GET AWAY!!!"

"Goku...!"

He knew whom that voice belonged to, but he would rather die than facing the man who had taken his friendship and destroyed it so... mercilessly. A choke escaped his throat, before he clamped a hand over his mouth, shutting his eyes in agony, as he tried to at least dull out the pain. He wanted desperately to stop crying - but he had kept his eyes averted from him - and the feeling of putting some distance between himself and his friends was overwhelming.

His keeper didn't even chase after him.

He started running, running away to anywhere but back to the hotel. His legs picked up speed, the muscles cramping from the effort but Goku pushed himself to the limit...

...and ran straight back to the inviting darkness, for he knew he would never be able to see the light Sanzo had shown him ever again.

His vision actually blurred, and he nearly ran into a lamppost before he steadied himself and sprinted left, right, everywhere. He collided with people laughing and talking among themselves gaily. He muttered apologies under his breath before darting straight ahead. Now he couldn't think, with only one thing in his mind that needed to be done above anything else, and that was to run away from everything. Behind him, Gojyo pursued him with equivalent speed.

"...Wait."

Even with the loud noise in the busy streets, Goku could still manage to hear his voice. Goku pushed his body forwards and frantically ran, his thighs beginning to strain and cramp from the effort. He bumped into a woman and caused her to drop her packages but he made no move to help her; a stream of apologies instead flew of his mouth.

His legs were on fire.

Just then, a narrow bridge came into view, one that was connected with the western part of town, and directly below it, was a trail that led to the slums. With a final burst, Goku threw his body over, and felt a wave of panic when his body fell at a much higher level than he had anticipated. He broke his fall using his Nyoi staff, pushing the tip to the ground and flopped his feet safely on the ground. Gojyo stopped in the middle of the bridge, looking wary, for he obviously wasn't quite as suicidal as to hurl his body over the bridge and risk breaking his neck.

"I said wait."

Goku began to walk away as calmly as he could without trying not to limp from the excruciating pain the muscles in his legs bore. He stopped in his tracks impulsively when he heard Gojyo's voice call out to him again, the hateful man. He closed his eyes, teeth clenching as a tear made its way down his cheek. He angrily brushed it away, cursing his vulnerability more than anything.

He walked away, ignoring Gojyo's frantic calls.

His knees finally gave way when he stopped at a considerable distance away, shaking. He collapsed and slipped in between the walls and hid behind a dark area behind the buildings. The place reeked of animal remains and trash, but at that moment, the boy held no concerns over anything except to wedge himself securely out of sight. His shoulders heaved and shook breathlessly, before he hugged his body tightly and made no move to stop the endless flow of tears streaming down his cheeks like a river, mingling with the dirt and sweat on his face. His eyes flew open - through his tears, he could see the moon shining ever so brightly in the sky - laughing down at him and cursing him for the idiotic fool that he was.

He made an attempt to speak aloud, his lips quivered when no sound came out. The waves of pain were just as fresh as ever, nearly agonizing, to the point of screaming in his head. Hopelessly, he closed his eyes and cried, for his heart, his life, everything he had, which had vanished in just one second.

I owed my life to you, and I still do. But what can I do now? The person who succeeded in destroying me, I never expected that person to be you.

So... someone... anyone...

Just tell me... that this is anightmare.

Goku's eyes fluttered open, his ears picking up the sound of rain pouring outside T dawn of the morning that caused him to stir awake. He blinked away the dreamy haze in his eyes and focused on the startling familiarity of the small meek room he was in right now. He pushed himself up from the squeaking bed. Pain streaked up his back and he cringed, rubbing it before cracking his knuckles and slowly sat upright.

His clothes were folded neatly on a desk at the left corner of the room next to a small window; the room was stuffy, with the recognizable ragged curtains that were draped shut tightly, the yellowing edges of the wallpapers coming off due to time. Goku's first thought was...

Isn't this the inn?!

A tray had been set on a small oval table next to the bed, its high stack of pancakes and a huge carton of apple juice instantly driving all thoughts from Goku's mind as he dove right in and wolfed down the food. For a full five minutes he concentrated on stuffing his mouth, dimly aware of a voice that was tugging in the back of his head - wasn't he forgetting something important? His chewing slowed down slightly, before he mentally shrugged it off and resumed eating. What could possibly be more important than what he was eating right now, he thought as he gobbled down the contents.

Gingerly, he rose out of bed, wrapping the thin sheet of a blanket around him tightly before walking over to where his clothes were. He grabbed hold of them and held it; the dirty stains and the tarnished marks they bore momentarily confused him.

"How did..." Goku's voice trailed off as he stared at his filthy shirt, the dry mud stain triggering a small part of his memory. Was there something... he had forgotten? He fingered the fabric uneasily, staring closely at it until he finally noticed the small tear on his pants.

The tear that he had made while scraping his knee trying to run away from the both of them.

Like a tidal wave, thousands of images began to swarm dizzily inside Goku's fogged brain, painful recollections of an unwanted memory shot right through Goku. The force with which it had hit him caused him to stumble back with a sharp intake of breath, his heart pounded wildly inside him. The color drained from Goku's face, clamping a hand over his mouth quickly to push down the large amount of food that was forcibly coming right back up.

"No, no, no, no, no!" Goku cried, not wanting to believe this was happening. "I can't be back here! Sanzo's here... Gojyo's here..." He sank down to his knees and slammed his fists on the cold wooden floor, the agonizing pain pierced every inch of his insides, the ache that he had quickly become familiar to. "I can't be here..." Goku's eyes gleamed in horror.

"I..."

No, he was beyond something as trivial as crying pools of tears for a person who won't ever return his feelings. How mortifying it was, to finally get it through his head the moment he saw his keeper delighting himself with his redheaded friend.

And yet, remembering how he first came to meet that person, bringing with him the first glimmers of pure light that was utterly foreign to Goku's golden eyes, who was used to seeing the shadows in the dark...

"It hurts," Goku closed his eyes and placed a hand across his chest, where his heart was, his lips quivering as his eyes brimmed over with fresh tears. He made no move to wipe them as they slowly trickled down his cheeks. This sorrow, blended with anger, was so utterly foreign to him... "It hurts..."

A soft knock on the door managed to break through Goku's chaotic thoughts. He just sat there, clutching his chest as he stared at the door vacantly until it began to sink in. Goku's eyes widened in horror, scrambling up from the floor, he backed away slowly until his back hit the wall behind him, his stomach tightening into painful knots. No, must get away from here. Oh, God, please let me out of here! He darted a terrified glance towards the window and instantly made a mad dash towards it, trying desperately to open it. But it was no use; the locks were tightly jammed shut. Some conspiracy was planned to keep him miserable.

Please let me out of here, I'll do anything, anything if you'll just let me go!

With a petrified look, he could only watch through grief-filled eyes as the doorknob turned and the door gently opened. The slight creak of the door even made Goku's face pale, trying as much as he could to bring his back against the wall, not moving even a single inch.

A head popped in, taking in Goku's almost feverish face with a concerned look. "Goku...?"

It was Hakkai.

The relief was overwhelming, up to the point where Goku's back slid slowly down the wall and onto the floor, not entirely certain of whether he should laugh or burst into tears. He chose neither; instead decided to remain silent and lowered his eyes to the floor.

Hakkai closed the door behind him and leaned against it, and for the first time in maybe ages, he hadn't the slightest idea on the words that would actually spark a conversation between them. Looking around the room, taking in the empty tray and out the window where the rain had continuously poured throughout the entire morning, Hakkai fidgeted uncharacteristically before opening his mouth.

He was unable to say the words that sprung to his head.

Just then, a whisper so faint and soft drifted to Hakkai's ears, he looked at Goku's sprawled form, thinking he must have imagined it until he heard it again.

"... How did I get here?"

Hakkai felt the first tremors of shock tingle up his spine as Goku finally looked up and met his stare, finally baring his blank, and swollen eyes. Hakkai was struck speechless, as he continued to gape at his friend, whose top principle in life was to fulfill his appetite, a person who seemed as though nothing could go wrong. And yet, this frightening display of emotion, or lack of, the pathetic form that was lying limp on the ground...

...what in the world had happened last night?

Hakkai readily composed himself before replying. "Goku... last night..." He walked over to the window and looked out, wondering what he was supposed to say next. "We searched for you, and I found you sleeping behind a building... thanks to Hakuryuu. What were you thinking when you're out there?"

There was no response at all.

He tried again, finding the silence rather unnerving. "When you didn't come back, we went off in search for you before I found you and carried you here." He finally turned to look at Goku, his features becoming slightly firm. "Goku, what happened?"

Goku looked away. To look into Hakkai's eyes - where they could see through the windows to your soul - was the last thing Goku wanted to do. "Sanzo and... Gojyo," Goku cursed himself for that little tremble in his voice. "Where are they, Hakkai? Where?" He slowly dragged himself up, supporting his body with a hand pressed against the wall, before he suddenly froze. "They're not here, are they?" he snapped, wide-eyed.

"No," Hakkai answered evenly. What was going on? "They went out early this morning for cigarettes and drinks."

"Cigarettes... right..." Goku laughed shakily, running a hand across his face. His shoulders shook violently, and Hakkai took a step forward and reached out a hand as if intending to touch Goku. He quickly withdrew it, knowing that that particular move was not wise, given Goku's strange condition right now.

"They probably went out to..." Goku's trembling became more violent.

It was entirely puzzling, at the same time, frustrating, when Hakkai didn't know the source of Goku's problem that had turned him like this. To be dragged out of bed in the middle of the night, only to be ordered to locate Goku's whereabouts without question, and now this.

Calm down, Hakkai's mind told him silently. Take the slowest approach to the problem. To think of the most complicated dilemma as a difficult puzzle box, analyzing it slowly before unwinding it correctly was one of the most effective ways for the solution to the problem. Hakkai glanced warily at Goku, who just stared blankly ahead.

"They were pretty worried," Goku heard Hakkai's soothing tone. "Why did you run away last night? Was there some trouble?" A violent shudder tore through Goku's body and he fought for control. It was the hardest thing Goku had ever done, but he managed to prevent his tears from slipping down his crimson cheeks. Goku half-backed away from Hakkai, a good six feet away, wrapping his arms around himself as if to shield his friend away.

Stop it, Hakkai.

"Goku, if you would tell me what happened last night, maybe I can help you." Hakkai brought out his hands as if to emphasize his point. What was wrong with him? "You're not alone. Whatever had happened, we're all here for you."

We're... all here...? We're... I don't think so. That's funny.

"...Goku." He heard the hint of exasperation in Hakkai's tone. Not that it mattered, anyway. Nothing mattered anymore. Everything, everything had disappeared from his grasp. "Please tell me what happened."

Goku could only stare at Hakkai as if he were some kind of unknown species.

You always did have this annoying habit of asking questions, Hakkai.

The windows rattled from the strong gust of wind outside, and he looked out, holding out his hands slightly as if welcoming the sight of stormy clouds that are gathered in the dark sky. It rained endlessly, equal to the amount of tears that were now streaming down his cheeks. I'm crying again. God help me, I'm sobbing my eyes out again.

"Goku, what happened between you three?"

It was as if he had uttered the words that broke through what was left of Son Goku's control. The voices in Goku's head became screams, and he heard someone yelling, only to realize a moment later that it was himself who was doing it, causing Hakkai's eyes to grow round in shock. Like a dam bursting through, Goku's body violently racked with restrained anger, and he released everything he had held within him. The numbing pain that Goku had experienced like no other, the tears that were caused by one... single...

"Behind my back... behind my back..." Fresh tears sprung to Goku's eyes. "THEY WERE SCREWING EACH OTHER!!!! How COULD you say that they're always there for me... when they're the ones..."

Hakkai could only stare in penetrating astonishment, unable to believe what he was hearing. Oh, Goku... How could they...?

"But I'm alone now." Goku shook his head and smiled humorlessly through his tears. The words - they rang a bell. He wiped them away, still grasping the sheet of blanket around his nude body. "Always and always will be alone now, Hakkai. Sanzo left me. Now look at me. I'm so pathetic... so, so pathetic.

Pathetic.

Hakkai leaned forward, unsure of what to do or even what to say. Who was this person sniveling before him? Was this really Goku? Son Goku, who was the most easy-going of the four? Reduced to this mess that Sanzo had caused? "Goku..." Hakkai shakily drew in a deep breath, running a hand along his dark hair. For the first time, he felt completely helpless. "You're not alone. You're never alone."

"I'd like to think so." Goku buried his face in his hands. "I'd really like to think so. But I can't. Because, I love Sanzo. But he doesn't love me. So I would just have to accept it... that Sanzo loves Gojyo... Sink it in, Hakkai. I can't believe the ero-kappa had it in him. Way to go. He won. I didn't even know he's hot for Sanzo."

"But it hurts. It hurts to be alone." Goku crumpled. "I can't travel with him anymore. Or Gojyo. What should I do, Hakkai?" He turned towards the silent Hakkai. "I-I can't stand being like this! Just look at me!"

Goku was interrupted by a shrill knock on the door. "Hakkai, are you in there?"

Both Goku and Hakkai froze. Slowly both their heads turned towards the direction of the door. "Uh, yeah, just a minute, Gojyo," Hakkai laughed nervously.

"Sanzo... he... he went to Czechuan Park. Says he wants the saru there. Pass along the message, will ya?"

"All right."

"You're a pal." And the footsteps went away.

When Hakkai turned his attention back to Goku, the boy's face was an unnatural ashen.

"You don't have to go if you want to," Hakkai started to say gently, but was interrupted.

"I'll go."

"You sure-"

"What have I got to lose, Hakkai? I've already lost everything... remember?"

What Hakkai said next flew directly over Goku's ears, the boy lost in the swirls of his own thoughts.