Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ I'm not stupid ❯ Hai ( Chapter 3 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: saturnssavior 
Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 02.09.2005 | Pages: 4 | Words: 3.7K | Visits: 714 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 02.09.2005 | Pages: 4 | Words: 3.7K | Visits: 714 | Status: Completed
I'm not stupid
by seven maxwell
Disclaimer: see prologue
Hai
Chapter Two
***
When I was growing up I never had any friends. They all made fun of me because I was smarter than them. They teased me, called me geek and nerd. Once a group of boys just a year older then me caught me after school and beat me up. I hated it. I hated being called a geek and a nerd. I hated that I never had any friends. I hated growing up.
That changed after I transferred schools. After I had gotten jumped by those boys my parents decided we needed to move to a safer location. We moved to the Tokyo area, not in Tokyo but just outside of it. I was enrolled into a different school where no one knew me, where I had a chance to make friends, a chance to live a normal childhood. That's where I met Hiroshi Nakano, my best friend forever. Hiro has always stood up for me. Whenever someone tried to pick on me he always jumped in and made them stop. He never judged me or made fun of me, and when I told him I was in love with another man he didn't even blink an eyelash. Hiro has always been and will always be the best friend, only friend I ever had.
Sad thing is he's never seen the real me. He's only seen the happy-go-lucky-super-hyper Shuichi because that's all I've ever shown him. When I transferred to my new school I had decided not to be smart, I wanted to have friends so I pretended to be a little dumb. It's easier to have friends when they believe that they're smarter than you. It's like that 'ugly best friend’; you make best friends with someone who is slightly ugly only to make yourself seem prettier by comparison. It sucks but what can you do?
Hiro and I started our band together during high school. We were both enrolled in a music class, him with guitar and me with the keyboard. We learned what we needed and continued on from there. It was easy, just two guys having a great time writing crappy music. I'd never had so much fun before in my life. I became dependent on him. I was always afraid that if he knew the real me...if he ever found out that I'm not really all that happy and silly, he'd leave me or worse...be like those kids that made fun of me. I couldn't bear the thought of him treating me like those bullies did; even now I'm still afraid of it. That's why I've continued playing the idiot role I've made for myself.
I think I might have taken it too far though, I say that only because every time I look at my lyrics I want to wince at the sheer immaturity of it all. Yuki's right my lyrics do suck and I can't help but blame all the years of stupidity I've played. It's ingrained into my very being, I used to only play the part when someone was around but now I do it all the time. It has become a second skin for me; it's hard for me to remember where the mask ends and where I begin. It has affected my daily life, my personality, my intelligence, my talent and my creativity. It has taken over everything that is me and pushed the real me into being its shadow.
Do you know how scary it is to wake up one morning and not recognize the person looking back at you through the mirror, the incredible fear of not knowing who you are anymore? Words cannot describe the horror of trying to rediscover yourself, only, to find that you had put yourself in a quest that is more difficult than searching for a single grain of sugar in a bucket of sand.
I had inadvertently put myself into a dark empty room with no knowledge of a way out. It's no wonder that I grabbed with both hands the first little piece of light I came across. I took the first thing that showed me any little bit of freedom and used it to my advantage. Everything that I did, everything that had put me here, I was well aware of the consequences. I didn't take those pills because I was stupid.
I took them because I was desperate.
*Five months ago*
"Is he still in there?"
"Yeah, he's been in there for an hour."
"Are you planning to go in there and talk to him?"
"No, I think he needs to be alone right now."
"Are you sure?"
"I've known Shuichi since middle school; trust me right now he just needs to work things out on his own."
"Okay, but what do you thinks going to happen now?"
"I don't know. Damn that Tohma Seguchi, what gives him the right to say those things in front of Shuichi? As if we didn't already have enough stress."
"Tohma's always been like that, even to his own family."
"I can't imagine what it must have been like to grow up around him."
"Don't remind me."
"Where's Sakano?"
"I checked up on him earlier, he was trying to convince K from killing Seguchi."
"So K's still pissed?"
"Aren't you?"
"Yeah...but right now I'm more worried about Shuichi."
"How much longer until he comes out?"
"Could be a while."
"We can come back later. I want to see if Sakano was successful or not."
"You want to find out if K killed Seguchi you mean?"
"...yeah..."
"Let's go...Hey Shuichi! Suguru and I are going to go check on K and Sakano. We'll be back later. I have my phone when you're ready to talk."
I could hear their footsteps echoing as they walked away from the bathroom door but I didn't move from where I stood. My hands griping the sides of the sink as I stared at my reflection.
Flashbacks of the past hour still running through my head...
*Begin*/"Mr.Shindou what do you and the other members of Bad Luck think about Nittle Graspers reunion? Do you think you still have a chance to perform at the International Concert? What are your thoughts about competing against your idol Ryuichi Sakuma?"
"Um....Well I'm excited that Nittle Grasper's reunited. Um...I believe that Bad Luck still has a chance to perform at the International Concert I mean...we've worked really hard to be here, and um...I guess I'm a bit nervous about competing against Sakuma-san." I smiled at the reporter lady.
"As well you should Shindou-san. Sakuma-san will beat anyone he is pitted against." Tohma Seguchi smirked as he appeared before the reporters.
"Mr.Seguchi, what do you mean by that? A comment please." The reporter lady practically shoved her microphone in Tohmas face.
Tohma smiled. "I'm merely saying that Shindou-san will have a difficult time competing against Ryuichi Sakuma simply because he is still much too...young."
WHAT?! I jumped out of my seat slamming my hand down on the table. "What are saying Seguchi-san?" I ask him.
"I'm saying that you don't have what it takes to compete against Ryuichi Sakuma. You still need more practice; you are not at his level of talent and at the rate you're going I doubt you ever will be."/*End*
I think what made it all worse was the fact that I didn't have anything to say back. I couldn't even think of the right words. I just stood there gaping at him like a fish out of water and the worst part of it is that he’s right. Tohma may be harsh but wouldn't say something unless he meant it and unless it was undoubtedly true, which he is and admitting it hurts.
I came and locked myself in here after being humiliated. I just couldn't face Hiro or Yuki or anyone for that matter. I feel so...lost. When the hell did everything change? How did the world suddenly become so freaking harsh and cold? God why was I so naive?
I close my eyes to avoid seeing the stranger in the mirror but he won't go away. He's there every time I open my eyes. I can't stand to look at him; I can't stand to look at the monster I've created.
I refuse to let him continue.
Tohma's right, my talent isn't where it should be and I won't get there if I don't stop making myself dumb. I look at the stranger in the mirror. He smiles at me and I smile back...only I'm giving him the finger while I'm at it.
Playtimes over.
*******************************
*Present*
Jesus if I only knew how hard that was going to be, I would have just gone off to see a shrink. I was stupid to believe that all my problems were going to end as soon as I took off the mask.
I was stupid to believe I could take the mask off...
*******************************************
*Four Months Ago*
"Dammit!" I yell as I rip the sheet of paper out of my notebook, crumble it and toss it into the trashcan; another crappy song.
"Keep it down! I’m working." Yuki shouts from his study.
"yeah...yeah..." I mutter quietly. I grab my pen and try again.
For one whole month I’d been trying to write something new, something different, something not so...cheesy. For one whole month I haven’t written a single lyric. It doesn’t help that I’ve got all this damn pressure on me. K’s been riding my ass all month for new lyrics. He’s says I’m behind ‘cause Suguru’s already got most of his comp’s done.
Well woopty...fuckin’...do.
I shake my head to clear it up, need to concentrate. Let’s see...
‘Nigiyaka na hitogomi ni tokeru tsubuyaki ga
Ashi moto ni chirabatta omoide nijimaseru
Mayoi aruku machi no kagayaki wa glaring one way
Kogo e sou na boku o terasu
Tsumetai toki ga yume o furaseru kono te no naka o suri nukete
Negai kazo e mezame ta toki ni yureru maboroshi ni kimi ga utsuru
Boku o michibiku kasu kana shiruetto
Nagasareru fuan dake o tsugeru yasashisa mo
Eien ni mita sareta ashita mo hoshi kunai
Kimi ni todoke ruhazuno kotoba wa it’s talk to myself
Kage mo naku hibi ni ochiru
Furueru yubi de yume o kasaneru iki mo dekizuni kuzureteku
Tashi kana koto futashi kasugite nani o shinji reba kimi ni aeru?
Shiroku kieteku ano hi no shiruetto
Awaku somaru kisetsu o miageru Life Winter Dream
Tachi domaru boku o sarau
Kaze ni kisareru torinoko sareru mune ni kaji kamu akogaremo
Tsumetai toki ga yume ni tadayou sono te no naka ni uketomete
Negai kazo e mezame ta toki ni yureru maboroshi ni kimi ga utsuru
Boku o michibiku kasu kana shiruetto’
I read it again...not too bad. It’s got some...spizzaazzjazzzz...it sucks. But it’s the only thing I’ve got completed. It’ll have to do.
I grab my pack and rip the lyrics sheet out of my notebook and stuff it into my back pocket.
"Yuki! I’m going to the studio! Ja’ne!" I holler to him as I slam the door behind me. It took me twenty minutes to get to the studio; K and Hiro were there when I entered.
"Shuichi you’re early, you’re not supposed to be here for another half hour." Hiro says.
"I know but I couldn’t wait." I grin at him as I pull out the lyrics and show him.
"You’ve got something done?" He snatches the paper from me.
"It’s about time." K frowns, "When did you write it?"
"Today." I drop my bag into an empty chair.
"That was fast." K says.
I grin at him.
Now I know I said that I was going to stop playing the fool...but trying to be myself is too much of a hassle. People change when you change...and they don't always change for the better.
"Alright then! Let's get started!" K yells pulling out his Smith-Wesson 40VE. "Time to make Tohma Seguchi eat his words!"
I had to laugh.
Suguru showed up half an hour later and we spent the day recording and re-recording the same song over and over, until I got sick of the freakin' song. We were in the middle of the fifth re-recording when the devil...er...I mean Tohma showed up unannounced. I didn't know he was there until the song stopped abruptly and I was met with cold green eyes.
"Shindou-san how nice to see you again." Tohma smiled.
Did I ever mention how much I hate that smile? It's creepy...
"Sacho what are you doing here?" Sakano rushes forward putting himself between me and the devil...er...Tohma.
"Sakano-san, forgive my intrusion but I just came by to see how Bad Luck was doing." He said, "I see Shindou-san has composed new lyrics. That's nice."
"Y-Yes sir, Thank you for caring but um...I think perhaps we should let them continue recording." Sakano says.
"Yes I see, are they on the first session?"
"No Sacho they're on the fifth."
Tohma blinked innocently, "Fifth? It takes that many recording's for one song? It only takes once maybe twice for Ryuichi to sing his song perfectly. I see that Shindou-san hasn't taken my advice. Bad Luck is still much too way behind." Tohma shook his head, "A good song needs good lyrics and a good singer. So far all you have is a good composition, but that's to be credited to Nakano-san and Suguru. I believe Shindou-san is the one lacking, a good lyricist needs an open mind, and a great singer needs...experience." Tohma shook his head once more and left the room.
Again I was plagued with the thousand pound weight on my tongue. Fuck if that's not the second time that bastard's insulted my talent. I'm seeping with fury.
"Shuichi?" Hiro says but he sounds so distant. I need air...right now...I leave, I can't stand to be here and I'm not in the best mood. I leave NG and talk a long walk towards the park.
Dammit! How many times am I going to have to deal with this sort of crap? I can never seem to please anyone. Tohma's insulted me to my face twice! K's been on my ass for new songs, Suguru's impatient with me, even Yuki's been ignoring me and Hiro...Hiro is still Hiro. The only real friend I have.
I spot an empty bench and sit down.
Nothing's good anymore. I'm tired of trying to please people; I never do it anyway so why keep trying? Why is it so hard for me to get any respect? Why does everyone have to push me around?
Why do I keep letting them?
It's the idiot in me...I see him every morning in the mirror. He won't go away and he still smiles at me. Only I can see him 'cause only I know he's not supposed to be there. I tried to get rid of him but it's like he's super glued to me, I can't shake him off.
I get up and stretch. I search for my bag...Shit I left my bag in the studio! God I want to rip my hair out! Heck with it, I'll get it tomorrow. I start walking home. I look at my watch and it says five o'clock. I blink...five already? Jesus I sat there for over an hour pitying myself.
I get to Yuki's apartment and realize I left the key in my bag. I knock loudly and ready myself for an ear load of complaining. Yuki opens the door and glares at me.
"What the hell are you doing knocking? Where's your key?" He asks mildly pissed.
I brush past him, "I left it in my bag, and left my bag at the studio."
"Why?" He asks shutting the door. He lights his cigarette.
"Because I got angry with Tohma today and I stormed out of there. I forgot to take my bag with me." I say, I plop down on the couch letting myself sink into the soft leather.
"Why are you mad with Tohma?" Yuki asks leaning against the wall.
"Because he's said that I don't have enough talent and that my songs suck and that I need more practice or experience or whatever he said and this is the second time he's insulted me...well actually third time but I really don't count the time on TV..."
"Shut up!" Yuki yells, "God you babble! If you're as noisy at the studio as you are here than it's no wonder Tohma said such things."
"What do you mean?!" I shout. I jump off the couch.
"I mean that if Tohma says that you don't have the talent to sing...then you don't have the talent to sing. He may be a shark in a guppy's scales but he's got good taste in music and he's probably the only honest person I know."
I'm stunned, "What about me? Don't you trust me? Don't you think I'm honest too?"
Yuki snorts, "Are you honest Shuichi?" He moves away from the wall and heads towards me, "Should I trust you?" He tilts my chin upward with his hand, "Sometimes I think I know you...and then the next minute you're a completely different person." He let's go of my face and turns away from me, "I don't know you Shuichi, and I'm not going to trust someone I don't know. Why don't you find out who you are, and when you do...let me know?" He shut the door, locking himself away from me.
I let myself fall to my knees; I stayed there just thinking of what Yuki said. His words kept repeating themselves over and over in my mind. Am I really that...shallow? No, I'm not shallow...I'm...what the hell am I?
I stayed there on the floor for hours, the sun had gone down and I still didn't move. Yuki hasn't come out of his study during that whole time. I'm tired, emotionally and physically. I'm hungry, and I'm cold....real cold. Goosebumps have spread all over my arms and legs from numbness. My head's been killing me, a pounding headache that throbs behind my eyes all the way to base of my spine. Tiredly, I get up and head into the bathroom in search of aspirin. I open the medicine cabinet and find nothing but toothpaste. I open the side drawers, nothing. I'm really starting to get pissed.
I open the sink cabinet and pull out my basket of toiletries, nothing. Dammit! I push the basket all the way in and knock over a small bottle. I reach in and pull it out.
'Creativity in a Bottle'
I forgot about those. I had shoved them deep inside the cabinet so Yuki wouldn’t find them. I rotate the bottle in my hands; I remember the shock when I found out what these little pink pills were. I was so stunned that I immediately hid them. Why I didn't throw them away I don't know.
I open the bottle and tap out one pill. They're so small, so easy to hide...my eyes widen...No...should I? I look at the pill, it's not much. It's small, can't be too strong...can it? No, what am I thinking? I can't....can I? I look at the pill again...maybe...
...maybe just this once...
**************************************
Tsuzuku...
Thanx!
*note* the lyrics above are from the song ‘Glaring Dream’ by Kinya Kotani. In the anime this is the song Yuki says is crap. (Which isn’t true…I like the song and Kinya Kotani^_^)
by seven maxwell
Disclaimer: see prologue
Hai
Chapter Two
***
When I was growing up I never had any friends. They all made fun of me because I was smarter than them. They teased me, called me geek and nerd. Once a group of boys just a year older then me caught me after school and beat me up. I hated it. I hated being called a geek and a nerd. I hated that I never had any friends. I hated growing up.
That changed after I transferred schools. After I had gotten jumped by those boys my parents decided we needed to move to a safer location. We moved to the Tokyo area, not in Tokyo but just outside of it. I was enrolled into a different school where no one knew me, where I had a chance to make friends, a chance to live a normal childhood. That's where I met Hiroshi Nakano, my best friend forever. Hiro has always stood up for me. Whenever someone tried to pick on me he always jumped in and made them stop. He never judged me or made fun of me, and when I told him I was in love with another man he didn't even blink an eyelash. Hiro has always been and will always be the best friend, only friend I ever had.
Sad thing is he's never seen the real me. He's only seen the happy-go-lucky-super-hyper Shuichi because that's all I've ever shown him. When I transferred to my new school I had decided not to be smart, I wanted to have friends so I pretended to be a little dumb. It's easier to have friends when they believe that they're smarter than you. It's like that 'ugly best friend’; you make best friends with someone who is slightly ugly only to make yourself seem prettier by comparison. It sucks but what can you do?
Hiro and I started our band together during high school. We were both enrolled in a music class, him with guitar and me with the keyboard. We learned what we needed and continued on from there. It was easy, just two guys having a great time writing crappy music. I'd never had so much fun before in my life. I became dependent on him. I was always afraid that if he knew the real me...if he ever found out that I'm not really all that happy and silly, he'd leave me or worse...be like those kids that made fun of me. I couldn't bear the thought of him treating me like those bullies did; even now I'm still afraid of it. That's why I've continued playing the idiot role I've made for myself.
I think I might have taken it too far though, I say that only because every time I look at my lyrics I want to wince at the sheer immaturity of it all. Yuki's right my lyrics do suck and I can't help but blame all the years of stupidity I've played. It's ingrained into my very being, I used to only play the part when someone was around but now I do it all the time. It has become a second skin for me; it's hard for me to remember where the mask ends and where I begin. It has affected my daily life, my personality, my intelligence, my talent and my creativity. It has taken over everything that is me and pushed the real me into being its shadow.
Do you know how scary it is to wake up one morning and not recognize the person looking back at you through the mirror, the incredible fear of not knowing who you are anymore? Words cannot describe the horror of trying to rediscover yourself, only, to find that you had put yourself in a quest that is more difficult than searching for a single grain of sugar in a bucket of sand.
I had inadvertently put myself into a dark empty room with no knowledge of a way out. It's no wonder that I grabbed with both hands the first little piece of light I came across. I took the first thing that showed me any little bit of freedom and used it to my advantage. Everything that I did, everything that had put me here, I was well aware of the consequences. I didn't take those pills because I was stupid.
I took them because I was desperate.
*Five months ago*
"Is he still in there?"
"Yeah, he's been in there for an hour."
"Are you planning to go in there and talk to him?"
"No, I think he needs to be alone right now."
"Are you sure?"
"I've known Shuichi since middle school; trust me right now he just needs to work things out on his own."
"Okay, but what do you thinks going to happen now?"
"I don't know. Damn that Tohma Seguchi, what gives him the right to say those things in front of Shuichi? As if we didn't already have enough stress."
"Tohma's always been like that, even to his own family."
"I can't imagine what it must have been like to grow up around him."
"Don't remind me."
"Where's Sakano?"
"I checked up on him earlier, he was trying to convince K from killing Seguchi."
"So K's still pissed?"
"Aren't you?"
"Yeah...but right now I'm more worried about Shuichi."
"How much longer until he comes out?"
"Could be a while."
"We can come back later. I want to see if Sakano was successful or not."
"You want to find out if K killed Seguchi you mean?"
"...yeah..."
"Let's go...Hey Shuichi! Suguru and I are going to go check on K and Sakano. We'll be back later. I have my phone when you're ready to talk."
I could hear their footsteps echoing as they walked away from the bathroom door but I didn't move from where I stood. My hands griping the sides of the sink as I stared at my reflection.
Flashbacks of the past hour still running through my head...
*Begin*/"Mr.Shindou what do you and the other members of Bad Luck think about Nittle Graspers reunion? Do you think you still have a chance to perform at the International Concert? What are your thoughts about competing against your idol Ryuichi Sakuma?"
"Um....Well I'm excited that Nittle Grasper's reunited. Um...I believe that Bad Luck still has a chance to perform at the International Concert I mean...we've worked really hard to be here, and um...I guess I'm a bit nervous about competing against Sakuma-san." I smiled at the reporter lady.
"As well you should Shindou-san. Sakuma-san will beat anyone he is pitted against." Tohma Seguchi smirked as he appeared before the reporters.
"Mr.Seguchi, what do you mean by that? A comment please." The reporter lady practically shoved her microphone in Tohmas face.
Tohma smiled. "I'm merely saying that Shindou-san will have a difficult time competing against Ryuichi Sakuma simply because he is still much too...young."
WHAT?! I jumped out of my seat slamming my hand down on the table. "What are saying Seguchi-san?" I ask him.
"I'm saying that you don't have what it takes to compete against Ryuichi Sakuma. You still need more practice; you are not at his level of talent and at the rate you're going I doubt you ever will be."/*End*
I think what made it all worse was the fact that I didn't have anything to say back. I couldn't even think of the right words. I just stood there gaping at him like a fish out of water and the worst part of it is that he’s right. Tohma may be harsh but wouldn't say something unless he meant it and unless it was undoubtedly true, which he is and admitting it hurts.
I came and locked myself in here after being humiliated. I just couldn't face Hiro or Yuki or anyone for that matter. I feel so...lost. When the hell did everything change? How did the world suddenly become so freaking harsh and cold? God why was I so naive?
I close my eyes to avoid seeing the stranger in the mirror but he won't go away. He's there every time I open my eyes. I can't stand to look at him; I can't stand to look at the monster I've created.
I refuse to let him continue.
Tohma's right, my talent isn't where it should be and I won't get there if I don't stop making myself dumb. I look at the stranger in the mirror. He smiles at me and I smile back...only I'm giving him the finger while I'm at it.
Playtimes over.
*******************************
*Present*
Jesus if I only knew how hard that was going to be, I would have just gone off to see a shrink. I was stupid to believe that all my problems were going to end as soon as I took off the mask.
I was stupid to believe I could take the mask off...
*******************************************
*Four Months Ago*
"Dammit!" I yell as I rip the sheet of paper out of my notebook, crumble it and toss it into the trashcan; another crappy song.
"Keep it down! I’m working." Yuki shouts from his study.
"yeah...yeah..." I mutter quietly. I grab my pen and try again.
For one whole month I’d been trying to write something new, something different, something not so...cheesy. For one whole month I haven’t written a single lyric. It doesn’t help that I’ve got all this damn pressure on me. K’s been riding my ass all month for new lyrics. He’s says I’m behind ‘cause Suguru’s already got most of his comp’s done.
Well woopty...fuckin’...do.
I shake my head to clear it up, need to concentrate. Let’s see...
‘Nigiyaka na hitogomi ni tokeru tsubuyaki ga
Ashi moto ni chirabatta omoide nijimaseru
Mayoi aruku machi no kagayaki wa glaring one way
Kogo e sou na boku o terasu
Tsumetai toki ga yume o furaseru kono te no naka o suri nukete
Negai kazo e mezame ta toki ni yureru maboroshi ni kimi ga utsuru
Boku o michibiku kasu kana shiruetto
Nagasareru fuan dake o tsugeru yasashisa mo
Eien ni mita sareta ashita mo hoshi kunai
Kimi ni todoke ruhazuno kotoba wa it’s talk to myself
Kage mo naku hibi ni ochiru
Furueru yubi de yume o kasaneru iki mo dekizuni kuzureteku
Tashi kana koto futashi kasugite nani o shinji reba kimi ni aeru?
Shiroku kieteku ano hi no shiruetto
Awaku somaru kisetsu o miageru Life Winter Dream
Tachi domaru boku o sarau
Kaze ni kisareru torinoko sareru mune ni kaji kamu akogaremo
Tsumetai toki ga yume ni tadayou sono te no naka ni uketomete
Negai kazo e mezame ta toki ni yureru maboroshi ni kimi ga utsuru
Boku o michibiku kasu kana shiruetto’
I read it again...not too bad. It’s got some...spizzaazzjazzzz...it sucks. But it’s the only thing I’ve got completed. It’ll have to do.
I grab my pack and rip the lyrics sheet out of my notebook and stuff it into my back pocket.
"Yuki! I’m going to the studio! Ja’ne!" I holler to him as I slam the door behind me. It took me twenty minutes to get to the studio; K and Hiro were there when I entered.
"Shuichi you’re early, you’re not supposed to be here for another half hour." Hiro says.
"I know but I couldn’t wait." I grin at him as I pull out the lyrics and show him.
"You’ve got something done?" He snatches the paper from me.
"It’s about time." K frowns, "When did you write it?"
"Today." I drop my bag into an empty chair.
"That was fast." K says.
I grin at him.
Now I know I said that I was going to stop playing the fool...but trying to be myself is too much of a hassle. People change when you change...and they don't always change for the better.
"Alright then! Let's get started!" K yells pulling out his Smith-Wesson 40VE. "Time to make Tohma Seguchi eat his words!"
I had to laugh.
Suguru showed up half an hour later and we spent the day recording and re-recording the same song over and over, until I got sick of the freakin' song. We were in the middle of the fifth re-recording when the devil...er...I mean Tohma showed up unannounced. I didn't know he was there until the song stopped abruptly and I was met with cold green eyes.
"Shindou-san how nice to see you again." Tohma smiled.
Did I ever mention how much I hate that smile? It's creepy...
"Sacho what are you doing here?" Sakano rushes forward putting himself between me and the devil...er...Tohma.
"Sakano-san, forgive my intrusion but I just came by to see how Bad Luck was doing." He said, "I see Shindou-san has composed new lyrics. That's nice."
"Y-Yes sir, Thank you for caring but um...I think perhaps we should let them continue recording." Sakano says.
"Yes I see, are they on the first session?"
"No Sacho they're on the fifth."
Tohma blinked innocently, "Fifth? It takes that many recording's for one song? It only takes once maybe twice for Ryuichi to sing his song perfectly. I see that Shindou-san hasn't taken my advice. Bad Luck is still much too way behind." Tohma shook his head, "A good song needs good lyrics and a good singer. So far all you have is a good composition, but that's to be credited to Nakano-san and Suguru. I believe Shindou-san is the one lacking, a good lyricist needs an open mind, and a great singer needs...experience." Tohma shook his head once more and left the room.
Again I was plagued with the thousand pound weight on my tongue. Fuck if that's not the second time that bastard's insulted my talent. I'm seeping with fury.
"Shuichi?" Hiro says but he sounds so distant. I need air...right now...I leave, I can't stand to be here and I'm not in the best mood. I leave NG and talk a long walk towards the park.
Dammit! How many times am I going to have to deal with this sort of crap? I can never seem to please anyone. Tohma's insulted me to my face twice! K's been on my ass for new songs, Suguru's impatient with me, even Yuki's been ignoring me and Hiro...Hiro is still Hiro. The only real friend I have.
I spot an empty bench and sit down.
Nothing's good anymore. I'm tired of trying to please people; I never do it anyway so why keep trying? Why is it so hard for me to get any respect? Why does everyone have to push me around?
Why do I keep letting them?
It's the idiot in me...I see him every morning in the mirror. He won't go away and he still smiles at me. Only I can see him 'cause only I know he's not supposed to be there. I tried to get rid of him but it's like he's super glued to me, I can't shake him off.
I get up and stretch. I search for my bag...Shit I left my bag in the studio! God I want to rip my hair out! Heck with it, I'll get it tomorrow. I start walking home. I look at my watch and it says five o'clock. I blink...five already? Jesus I sat there for over an hour pitying myself.
I get to Yuki's apartment and realize I left the key in my bag. I knock loudly and ready myself for an ear load of complaining. Yuki opens the door and glares at me.
"What the hell are you doing knocking? Where's your key?" He asks mildly pissed.
I brush past him, "I left it in my bag, and left my bag at the studio."
"Why?" He asks shutting the door. He lights his cigarette.
"Because I got angry with Tohma today and I stormed out of there. I forgot to take my bag with me." I say, I plop down on the couch letting myself sink into the soft leather.
"Why are you mad with Tohma?" Yuki asks leaning against the wall.
"Because he's said that I don't have enough talent and that my songs suck and that I need more practice or experience or whatever he said and this is the second time he's insulted me...well actually third time but I really don't count the time on TV..."
"Shut up!" Yuki yells, "God you babble! If you're as noisy at the studio as you are here than it's no wonder Tohma said such things."
"What do you mean?!" I shout. I jump off the couch.
"I mean that if Tohma says that you don't have the talent to sing...then you don't have the talent to sing. He may be a shark in a guppy's scales but he's got good taste in music and he's probably the only honest person I know."
I'm stunned, "What about me? Don't you trust me? Don't you think I'm honest too?"
Yuki snorts, "Are you honest Shuichi?" He moves away from the wall and heads towards me, "Should I trust you?" He tilts my chin upward with his hand, "Sometimes I think I know you...and then the next minute you're a completely different person." He let's go of my face and turns away from me, "I don't know you Shuichi, and I'm not going to trust someone I don't know. Why don't you find out who you are, and when you do...let me know?" He shut the door, locking himself away from me.
I let myself fall to my knees; I stayed there just thinking of what Yuki said. His words kept repeating themselves over and over in my mind. Am I really that...shallow? No, I'm not shallow...I'm...what the hell am I?
I stayed there on the floor for hours, the sun had gone down and I still didn't move. Yuki hasn't come out of his study during that whole time. I'm tired, emotionally and physically. I'm hungry, and I'm cold....real cold. Goosebumps have spread all over my arms and legs from numbness. My head's been killing me, a pounding headache that throbs behind my eyes all the way to base of my spine. Tiredly, I get up and head into the bathroom in search of aspirin. I open the medicine cabinet and find nothing but toothpaste. I open the side drawers, nothing. I'm really starting to get pissed.
I open the sink cabinet and pull out my basket of toiletries, nothing. Dammit! I push the basket all the way in and knock over a small bottle. I reach in and pull it out.
'Creativity in a Bottle'
I forgot about those. I had shoved them deep inside the cabinet so Yuki wouldn’t find them. I rotate the bottle in my hands; I remember the shock when I found out what these little pink pills were. I was so stunned that I immediately hid them. Why I didn't throw them away I don't know.
I open the bottle and tap out one pill. They're so small, so easy to hide...my eyes widen...No...should I? I look at the pill, it's not much. It's small, can't be too strong...can it? No, what am I thinking? I can't....can I? I look at the pill again...maybe...
...maybe just this once...
**************************************
Tsuzuku...
Thanx!
*note* the lyrics above are from the song ‘Glaring Dream’ by Kinya Kotani. In the anime this is the song Yuki says is crap. (Which isn’t true…I like the song and Kinya Kotani^_^)