Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Inertia ❯ Chapter 1

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

By: L_N

I�m such a bastard, making a poor boy live this way, and making him love me for it. He�ll defend me from all that�s right and good and holy; all wrapped in pink pornography, sneering at Tohma Seguchi.

Anime/Manga: Gravitation Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Hentai | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 08.15.2006 | Pages: 10 | Words: 6.3K | Visits: 963 | Status: Work In Progress

It doesn't matter.

I don't need Tohma's approval for anything. I am my own man, damnit. Yuki Eiri. I am not his boy, anymore. Let some other fool fall into that trap. I am not his fallen angel, anymore. I'm not his martyr. He can keep his fucking religion- I want no part of it, anymore.

I made that clear, when I told Tohma goodbye.

Look at this crowd. Sparkling, crazy diamonds, smiling faces; the beautiful people. They're toasting me, cheering as I preside like a pasha over his kingdom at my book premiere. They love me. I'm a genius. And the boy? My boy?

Tohma was always so preoccupied with what people would think of that sort of thing. Oh, the latent homophobia, that classic form of self-loathing, reared his ugly head in my youth, and again with the issue of my lover, Shuichi Shindo.

So, do people condemn me? Refuse to buy my books or his recordings?

If they didn't, these people, these beautiful, powerful, rich people would not be smiling and nodding their approval.

Ironic, the one problem he had- claimed to have- with…. It doesn't matter. I grew out of any need for his approval. What good is it? When he's been proven wrong by every one else's?

It's of no value. I stop and look up. Shi's hand squeezes mine. I can see over nearly everyone's head. For a moment I thought… I'm going insane. I'm hallucinating seeing him.

Wake up, Yuki Eiri.

“What is it, Yuki?”

My lover's eyes are so innocent. Even though he's wrapped in pink leather and buckles, like an Amsterdam red light district worker, he is still so childlike. Complete with little boy courage. He doesn't look a day over twelve, even though he's half a dozen years older, and a dozen more experienced. (Thanks to me.)

When he says that name, it reinforces what I've become, even more than him. What a fucking monster I've become.

I took life away from the name. Now I've given it life again, by wearing it. A second hand soul: karma? Some people might make a mystical allusion. Certain people.

I close my eyes and light a cigarette.

“I'm just tired.” I run my hand through my hair.

“Come on, Yuki. It's only ten. What's bothering you?”

I should be grateful the idiot has enough sense not to throw a tantrum at a time or place like this. Sometimes… he seems almost adult. I am so suddenly tired, though. That warn down feeling is overwhelming. I don't have the patience for this.

“I just need to go home, now.”

“But…” He tilts his head and the glitter on his lips sparkles in the dimmed lights of the party hall. “It's your party, for the book. We can't just…leave.” When he talks, the sparkle effect is dazzling. It seems to match the glitter that permeates the air like a fine mist.

Why don't I want Shi the same way I want to see…?

“So…”

That voice… I was about to have a pull from my cigarette. That voice stopped me. I stared at the tip of the cherry and watched it smolder. That fucking voice…

“You came to your own party.”

“Tohma,” says Shuichi. I know better than to say a word. I turn slowly around as my boy stares down the man himself: Tohma Seguchi.

My Brother.

Almost-Lover.

Mentor.

Protector.

Savior.

“What are you doing here, Mr. Seguchi?” Shi bravely faces all these things with that incredible courage. He thinks he is helping me.

I'm such a bastard, making a poor boy live this way, and making him love me for it. He'll defend me from all that's right and good and holy; all wrapped in pink pornography, sneering at Tohma Seguchi.

As if he has the right.

I know he doesn't. That's why I'm not speaking this way to Tohma. No one has the fucking right. I am only compounding the sin by making an innocent commit it.

When those beautiful blue eyes take me in and look through me, I know he sees this truth. And he smiles. He held up a Champaign flute. Dry and fizzy, just like him. The Fairy God who never ages. Toe-headed with an angel's face and pearly smile. And tall, like a fairy, with slim limbs wrapped in black Chinese silk.

The bastard gives me absolution, as freely as he used to pop sweets in my mouth.

“I'm here with Mika to celebrate her brother's success.”

Her brother's success. That hurt so bad…. I…

“Congratulations, Yuki.”

He…called me by that name.

Thank you. Thank you for giving me permission to hate you, after you say those things. What an honorable thing to do.

“I couldn't have done it with out Shi's support.” Angels weep when I turn and take my Lover's face in my hands and brush my lips over his lip-gloss. Maybe he can imagine this stuff all over my body. I hope so. I lick for a taste, and good measure. Cherries…Mmm… I wonder if he's going to imagine this stuff all over my cock.

“I'm happy for you both.” There's not a bit of difference in him! When Mika joins his side, my overly styled, overly loud sister in a blaring red scrap of a dress, he smiles and kisses her cheek. “Couples should bring out the best in each other.”

He turns his back to me, as I stand there with gloss on my face and not a damn thing to say. The fairy dust fades away, and I am left holding his Champaign flute.

I didn't realize it was his, until I brought it to my lips, stunned by the pain. I caught on when only when a solitary drop of flat alcohol went down my throat. I dropped my cigarette.

“Yuki!”

Someone's saying something; but I'm too preoccupied with controlling my anger. I want to throw the damn thing across the room and watch the crystal shatter into a million bits. I was shaking. The stem broke in my hand.

“Yuki!”

Now someone's pulling at my arm. I snatch it away and watch my blood trickle over the broken pieces.

“Yuki! You're freaking out!”

People keep staring at me, concern on their faces, some shock. A few ask if I'm alright. Their faces keep moving, like they're on a conveyer belt. No- I'm moving. Someone's taking me away from here.

Down a hallway, past the balloons and the waiters carrying trays filled with forgetfulness and medicine. Past women dressed like candy, past penguin men and the jaded illuminati dressed like jewels. The hall's dark, the door's impossible to see, and the gleaming white tile inside is impossible to accept. It's too bright….

“Yuki! You're still holding his drink!”

“Shi?” I blink and hold up my hand.

“Here.” He takes the sting out of my hand and I fall to the floor. There's red all over it.

“Yuki!” Poor little fool. He thinks I hurt myself, when I'm hurting him even more. And he wants me to.

I see his face in front of mine. I give it a sneer. Poor, stupid little fool. It's coming to him. Maybe one day he'll know better and walk away. Until then, it's almost right, teaching him a lesson.

“Come here.” I reach for him. That henna-headed sex kitten. He wants me, I can see it. He always wants me. He's always good to go. The little slut…

“No!”

For the second time tonight, I'm stunned. He pulls away from me with surprising strength. He's stronger than he looks, my boy-lover.

“You think I don't understand what's going on, here?” He is fury and pink leather, standing over me with his tiny body and angry face. One finger points down, damning him. “I knew that Tohma had a thing for you. He never hid it, and everyone could see it. But you! You try to hide how he makes you feel!”

“No, I don't.” It's the truth. I never hid my feelings for him. All the anger and longing- everything that ever passed through my soul made me transparent. I was the one anyone could see through. Even a stupid boy, like this one.

God knows I hate this fact.

“He didn't call you his little brother.”

So he noticed that, too.

“And he called you Yuki.”

I close my eyes. “So?”

We both know the significance. The silence says so. I keep my eyes shut against it.

“Get up.” He finally speaks. “Your cut needs to be washed.”

“Don't worry about it.”

“Why, Yuki?” He was wailing now. I open one eye and grimace. I can't stand that particular pitch he uses. “Why do you keep treating me this way, when all I want to do is take care of you?”

Ah, my pound of flesh. I smile vaguely and pull myself up, ignoring his hand. “Because you like it.”

He dribbles tap water from a brass faucet over the cuts. They're superficial, really. I watch the pink water flush down the immaculate white porcelain sink. I'm contaminating it. This makes me smile more.

“You don't even care that it makes me sad.”

“Just shut up. Isn't it enough that I'm letting you play doctor over a couple of scratches?”

The water is shut off. He pulls out a ridiculous Pokemon band-aid and presses it into my wound. The adhesive is plastered over some abrasions. I can feel the sting.

“What the fuck….”

“You're welcome,” he says. Then he gives me a quick salute, like a little soldier, and walks away.

“Where are you going?” I rub my hand.

“I'm going home. And I'm not waiting up.”

The door closes. I stand there, the smile fallen from my face as I am left, again, without saying any last words.

So… He's smarter than I thought.

I light a cigarette and look at the cut. “So what?” I ask it. The smoke blows against it. It doesn't fucking matter. Not a bit.

It doesn't matter, because this was all inevitable. No, I didn't expect him to learn his lesson so quickly. Still, we all have to realize that love is an illusion, a pretty name for getting what you want from someone.

I look in the mirror and leer at the blonde fop with the earring and a bloody hand who's leering back at me. It makes me sick, how Shi deludes himself with this dream about selfless, true love. Maybe that's what drove me back to him.

The leering, queer looking bastard is shaking now. There's sweat seeping through his intellectual yet chic blue silk button down. I could just die, because I know that's me. Hating my reflection.

When I squeeze my hand, blood drips into the cuff of my sleeve.

I could just fucking die, right here.

“What kind of a man are you?” The bastard that I chose to be. The kind who can take a boy's heart, all his admiration and adoration and crush it under my foot.

“Why?” I ask. I beg the man in front of me.

Because I can. Because there is a lesson to be taught to young, trusting young boys who think the world is theirs for the taking. That life is hard. It's cruel. Yes. And they need a teacher to show them.

Part of me is happy Shi is leaving without me. The other part- the darker part whose name I became- wants…

No.

I look down at my hand, shaking my head as the blood coagulates around the band-aid Shi left there. Let it all fall by the way. The drumming in my ears, in my veins, between my legs. It doesn't matter. If he's leaving, he's gone by now.

No point in dwelling over it. Besides, now that I've realized what fun they are, I might find another boy like him.

I try to look at my reflection again, but I can't I'm…

I'm afraid I won't see my own face anymore.

“What have I become…”

I turn away from myself and push through the door.