Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Inertia ❯ Chapter 2

Inertia Part Two: Round the Bend

 

 

 

I am threading through the hallway, past partygoers who are oblivious to my cut and snarl. I want release- an escape from the kaleidoscope colors and confetti make-believe. 

 

 

 

Bed… if I could go to sleep I could escape. Escape into a dreamless, seamless void where I don't have to think, don't have to feel… and formless fingers can effortlessly suspend me on their tips over cotton candy clouds. I would hover like a ghost and never feel.

 

 

 

Never feel.

 

 

 

To feel is to ache. That's all it's ever been, since sensei.  He saw that starry eyed look in me. He taught me what that look meant: that I was asking for it. My sensei.  I couldn't hide how happy he made me, how good it felt to be acknowledged by a man, like my opinion mattered.  I wanted that so badly… I couldn't hide it.

 

 

 

I still need that… I can't hide it. The only hiding place that ever worked was oblivion.

 

 

 

I am really just a sleepwalker. No. A zombie. The living dead.

 

 

 

The night air cuts into my lungs, sharp and cold. I pull it in and watch the stars turn Tokyo sky like a jeweled clock. Snowflakes, each unique, fall to the ground. They are crushed underfoot by passers by. The doorman's shoes crunch them.  He begins to hail a taxi for me. I hold up my bloody hand, and he lets the whistle fallout of his mouth. It bobs on the chain around his neck.

 

 

 

“I'll walk.”

 

 

 

He stares as I walk passed him, with no jacket.  I let the snow settle on my suit.

 

 

 

I don't know where I am going.

 

 

 

Shi is home, already. I can sense enough time's passed.  He is probably watching tapes of his ridiculous idol. He doesn't know this, but I've been watching them, lately. Ever since New York. Ever since Tohma and I stopped…

 

 

 

Forget it. There was never anything to stop…

 

 

 

I miss how he used to say my name.

 

 

 

My real name.

 

 

 

I didn't think it would mean so much to me. Just to hear it. To hear him say it. The snowflakes keep falling. Fine icy flowers. Tiny flowers. They are very cold and make the wind chill biting. It's a bitter feeling, or lack of feeling, in my skin. A numb sensation with a bite. I rub my arms. 

 

 

 

I should be going home. Any decent kind of man, any caring sort of lover would do that. I'm not decent, I don't care.  But in the past I would have pretended to be. I had to have him. That soft, pink hair between my legs, that supple, sweet ass in the air. His face buried in the mattress and his cock dripping with come. It felt so good to hide behind all that sex and candy. Addictive.

 

 

 

Why aren't I turning around, right now? Fuck decency and caring! Wouldn't it be worth it, just to burry my cock in his ass and burry all the pain in him, too?

 

 

 

He would let me. I know he would.

 

 

 

So… Why…?

 

 

 

There is a path, a way I find vaguely familiar as I pad through snow. Virgin powder gives under my feet. I wonder, where am I? I know this place.  Winter weather changes Tokyo into a strange landscape, but I know it. I look up and see a concrete tower shooting out of the white ground, standing tall and reaching for the sky. Snow swirls around the neon sign at the top. Nittle Grasper.

 

 

 

They look like red insects. Sparkling red shells that circle around Tohma's corporate offices: his temple.

 

 

 

Have I come so far, already?

 

 

 

If I narrow my eyes I can see a light at the top of the tower. I light a cigarette.  Is it… Tohma? Probably. Probably not. Maybe. Hopefully… I turn on my heel and keep looking. I can't leave… Damn him. He shouldn't be able to do this to me. I'm my own man, now!

 

 

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks of me. Even though he thinks I am… I remember how he kissed my sister.

 

 

 

Couples should bring out the best in each other, Tohma had said. Is this my best?  To feed off of hurting this pitiful, irritating little shit? Is that who I am? A monster?

 

 

 

Is that… what he thinks now?

 

 

 

For a crazy moment I begin to think I can actually go in that building and… Of course I can't. I closed that door. There is no way I could go back, after that.  If he called me Yuki, it was only because I told him that his Eiri didn't need him, anymore.

 

 

 

Still, I wasn't ready for that.

 

 

 

Not the sound of that name said with that voice.

 

 

 

Some how my hand is on the glass. It's like I already concluded the impossible is possible. But… I grimace, making a fist on the cold glass. I am shaking and grinding my teeth. A drop of blood almost falls from my palm, nearly ruining the pure white footing around me. I smear it on the glass, instead.

 

 

 

Why did he call me that? He knows I can't…

 

 

 

Gods… I still need him. I need his approval. I need to know… oh fuck, I hate him for this… I need to know I am not completely dead. 

 

 

 

“Please be here,” I say. It's a whisper, a mantra I pray as I push open the window. Warm, moist air licks around me, gushes and pulls me into the warm caramel marble interior. Halls sprawl, a well mapped maze I can work through well.

 

 

 

The night-man is staring at me.

 

 

 

“Hey, Tenchi,” I say. He knows me well, a long time employee. He tips his hat and says nothing as I walk on by. Which means one thing: Tohma's up there.

 

 

 

Oh.

 

 

 

I turn press the buttons, oval that have always reminded me of liquorish candy. I'm in the fairy God's temple… walled with sweets, perfumed, sensuous. All strangely powerful. Senses become seduced.  The elevators slide away. When I step in, I turn my back to the polished steel that shows me myself.

 

 

 

I don't want to see him.

 

 

 

The night-man is leering as the doors close. My reflection greets me in the polished metal and I am boosted up. My stomach goes up and down like a yo-yo and I drag at my cigarette.  I'm wondering… why am I here?

 

 

 

Just to hear him call me Eiri? I'm supposed to be done with this need for his approval. What he thinks was supposed to stop mattering, the moment I let go of that name, and everything it meant.

 

 

 

Still, he can't let go.

 

 

 

I stare at my face in the steel. The cigarette bobs as the elevator stops. Cold doors slides slickly and I am greeted by the warm glow of Tohma's backlight hallway. Star shine speckling the mellow marble; they are like a path toward his door.

 

 

 

My shoes are loud. I hesitate, and then realize there is no point when I look up at the surveillance camera that turns its head and follows me with its spy lense. He's already aware that I am here.

 

 

 

The paranoid son of a bitch.

 

 

 

I take out another cigarette and wave at the damn thing. For a moment I wonder if it will stop following me. If he's registered that it's me, and that he's uninterested…

 

 

 

The idea that he doesn't care… it hurts…

 

 

 

Oh… oh fuck it's moving. I keep looking at it, both happy and angry it makes me that I can be happy over something so… so fucking ridiculous.

 

 

 

He cares. He still cares…

 

 

 

I put my hand on the door and hold my breath. Why does it matter if he cares? I don't want to be his untouchable, tragedy. I don't want to be that way. I want more… I want…

 

 

 

“Come in.”

 

 

 

His voice. It was muffled behind the door; but it was still rich and melodic. Husky, and rich like dipped candy. Do I frown or smile when I hear it? I want to…

 

 

 

“Open the door, I know it's you.”

 

 

 

What's my name? Say my name and I'll come in. I forget about my cigarette. It falls to the marble flooring and I am blinking at the cherry wood doors like a foolish child.

 

 

 

“Eiri…” I close my eyes. The breath is squeezed from my lungs and I groan.  “Come in, Eiri.”

 

 

 

I move to turn the knob, but it's too late. The door is already opened. I look up, I don't know whether to smile, frown or act nonchalant. 

 

 

 

“You shouldn't have come here,” he says. The sound of his voice is like toffee. He smiles and his eyes are filled with pity, lyrical sorrow as he tilts his head and pouts those fine, pink lips. “I should tell you to go home, Eiri.” He's shaking his head, fine blonde tendrils move in the air with his motion.

 

 

 

I want to die…

 

 

 

“But you aren't.” I pretend to be irritated, instead.

 

 

 

“I should,” says Tohma. He stands aside and gives me a delicate bow, inviting me in. “But I could never turn you away Eiri.”