Gravitation Fan Fiction ❯ Inertia ❯ Chapter 3

Seamlessly Tohma weaves grace and determination together with a cherry apple smile and boyish wink. His voice, when he speaks, is almost androgynous- like a teenager's, right before it breaks. When he moves, his arms and legs sway.

 

It's infectious, I want to move that way, but I always stop myself. Even now I am resisting the urge as I walk behind him.

 

I look at the milky rug and pad on it. Our feet are so quiet. The fibers are so long, so we sink with every step. Strange for tall blondes- we are dependent on a sure footing, because the danger of tripping is always higher. I know he must be constantly aware of losing his footing. Tohma's always been so paranoid…

 

I…

 

I am too.

 

He turns around at his desk I take a deep breath. My heart is jumping through my shirt.

 

“Why should I go?” I have to know why he would say that.

 

He shrugs and crosses his arms. “I shouldn't have called you by that name.” He won't look at me, but he knows he is deliberately avoiding the question.

 

“It doesn't matter.” I look away when he looks at me. I can't- I can't look into his eyes again. It kills me to wonder what he meant by calling me that. No wonder he is avoiding my question. I'm a burden to him, this way. He doesn't want me. Not Yuki.

 

I can feel the atmosphere sink; my feet seem so far away from the rest of me when I look down. They're almost buried in the carpet.

 

“If it didn't bother you...” he pauses for a moment, to give me a reprieve. I can almost stand the pronouncement. I steel myself and close my eyes.

 

“If it didn't- then what?” I keep my eyes closed, like a defiant child, and shake my head. I'm laughing. It's almost believable. “Honestly, Tohma. Are you going to read more into this than there really is? It's just a name. If I'm so transparent, then tell me what you see. You really think such a little thing would make me so upset?” There.

 

I look directly into those dream filled eyes. Something like pity turns a knife in my heart. I'll be damned if I react.

 

“You know you are,” he says. “And I know it did. That's why you're here. Everything you do is so predictable. I wish I could stop you, sometimes.” He closes his eyes and sighs. Oh, how dramatic. I want to scream.

 

“Oh, how touching.” I turn around and glare at the walls. “I don't care what you call me. I told you, Tohma, I don't need you, anymore. Not your care, not your support, not your goddamn protection. We're nothing to each other.” I close my eyes when I say this part. The lie. “Nothing, anymore. You understand?”

 

For a moment I feel alone in the room. It's so quiet, so numb. Damnit- what is he thinking? Why did he say I should go? He's not supposed to turn me away!

 

If… If I am so transparent, after all, he knows I am…

 

“You lie so much. And you're such a bad liar, too.”

 

And so he does see through me. Right through me. He is, after all, my Tohma.

 

I am lying.

 

“You bastard…”

 

“You wanted to forget the past.” He's closer, now. I can hear it. Just a few feet away… “I only came as your sister's husband. I used a name you prefer. The name on your book.” He's even closer. If I took one step back I'd bump into him. My eyes are closed and my body wants to fall backwards. “That's who you are now, right?” I tip forward just to stop myself.

 

“You just said you knew the name would hurt me.”

 

“I only said I shouldn't have used it.” His hand is on my shoulder. Oh, fuck… I squeeze my eyes shut and try not to cry, but it hurts so bad to be read so easily.

 

“I hate you,” I say.

 

“No, not yet. But you will.”

 

What did that mean? My eyes open and I gasp when I feel his cheek on my shoulder. My heart's pounding and I begin to feel that dull, drowsy feeling I used to get around him. The Fairy God begins his ritual…

 

He turns me around and smiles. Pixie dust shimmers; I try to sneer. It's useless because I'm stupified.

 

He can see through me, and he knows how broken and fucked up I am. He's going to take care of me, anyway. He sees me.

 

He really sees me.

 

No, I won't cry. I'm a man. I'm not a child. I won't let him make me his martyr again… I can't go back to that.

 

“Eiri…” He says my name and I almost sob.

 

“Sit down on the sofa. I'll get you something.” I want to say no. “Something sweet.” I drop my head after one nod.

 

He takes my hand and leads me there. Cologne, like gossamer wings I can almost see, sails behind him. He's pulling me down into the plush white sofa. Long, spindly fingers wrapped around my wrists. One fingertip is rubbing at my pulse.

 

“Come,” He tilts his head and the light hits his hair. I see something like gold glitter in it. I can't stop staring. “Come here.” He pats his hand on the sofa, just as I am about to sit. He coyly blushes when I nearly do.

 

Oh… not that. Not the flirting. I hate it when he does that. It kills me, because I can see pity in his eyes, not the hot rush it gives me.

 

Tohma's flirting with the emotional gimp. How generous. “Thank you,” I say. What a good big brother.

 

He's done that hand trick a thousand times, before. He never, ever turned his hand over to cup my ass. Wouldn't dare! Not Tohma- not the great Man himself. That would be…

 

Ungodly.

 

When he pulls out a box of those tofu sweets- the ones he knows I secretly adore- I turn away. It's like torture.

 

He's untying the pink silk bow and opening the little box. Delicate yellow tissue wraps every piece. His tapered fingers pull it away from one sweet, without a tear. It's a pale dollop, and he holds up to me with a smile. It's much sweeter than candy.

 

My mouth waters at the sight. It's intolerable, I can't hold out- instead I lean forward and open wide.

 

It's unbelievably smooth and chewy. Oh, Tohma knows how much I crave candy. Sugar, pure sweet sugar all over my tongue, the roof of my mouth. I close my eyes and lick my teeth.

 

“It's good, isn't it?”

 

Amazing, how these little things can pull down my defenses. A candy. A little lardy concoction… It's absurdly sweet. Made to be eaten but of no dietary value. Too much and you get sick. They can rot your teeth. They're girlish- childish. Silly. Still, all these cold observations are meaningless when I'm eating one. Instead, they become what is absurd- not the sweetness. The sweetness overcomes my senses. It takes a hold of me, and for a moment I can enjoy it, just for being what it is.

 

All that power, in such a little thing.

 

He holds up another candy. I hesitate. Tohma just shakes his head and smiles. He holds the candy closer, an offering.

 

To me.

 

I open my mouth and let him feed me, again.

 

“I am glad you like them.”

 

I simply nod my head and keep chewing. The backlight lining his chocolate walls glows around him. His hair, with all that crazy glitter, is like a crown. He's so delicate, and yet so powerful. Like this candy.

 

I want to hate him for it. For making me want him like candy. Candy I can't have.

 

He takes my face in hand and moans. “You're crying, Eiri.”

 

“I am?” I am mortified as one fat, hot tear rolls down my cheek. It doesn't get far. Tohma's thumb wipes it away. Then he moves and his arm is wrapped around me. His crowned head is on my shoulder and he gives me a squeeze. Passably fraternal, but arguably too long. Just enough to make me notice.

 

I close my eyes and shudder. It's so humiliating, being treated this way. He must feel sorry for me- butI need his approval. Damnit! It's hard enough to admit it. It's harder to accept the pity I get instead.

 

“Oh, Eiri…”

 

I feel myself being pulled down, down… and I am staring at the ceiling. It's like a white cotton cloud, framing his face. He gives me this sad little smile.

 

And so it begins…

 

I'm his martyr, now. I am laid out on the altar of his lap. Light fingers barely brush my cheeks, and he offers me another candy. It's a strange communion, we've done many times before.

 

“I can't turn you away. Forgive me…” I want to ask why, but he puts more candy in my mouth. “I came to your party, not because you are my brother in law. Eiri. I love you.” The universe pauses for a moment. “You're my little brother.”

 

I… hate him…

 

I feel my breath, it can't come out. I am lying still on his lap, staring stupidly up at him.

 

Little brother- he had to put that clause at the end.

 

That subtle reminder that I am untouchable. A broken, raped boy. It hurts so much. I need to be touched and held so badly…

 

I should be getting up and leaving, right now. I nod and turn myself away from him, instead. This isn't right; I shouldn't be pining over the bastard. And yet… I need to be here.

 

I need the feel of his silky pants under my cheek for the body heat underneath. I need the hand in my hair. Oh, yeah… gently combing through it. Just like that! Just like he used to, before.

 

And that voice, I need his voice, his words. I need to hear Tohma, listen as he tells me all these things that kill me.

 

I need…him. Yeah…

 

He shifts his legs, and I can feel them tense up with the movement. When I anchor my hand around his thigh, I think I can feel him quiver.

 

No, that's my imagination.

 

Unfortunately, my reaction is very real. I'm suddenly hard as a rock… painfully hard. Every point in my body is suddenly hypersensitive- but I'm relaxed. It's odd, I'm totally relaxed, laying here, aroused, and unable to do a thing about it.

 

He's always been able to do this to me- reduce me to that simple, needy child.

 

“Were you worried that I would turn you away? Is that why you came here, Eiri?” He asks me.

 

“Yes.” I sigh and turn over, facing the ceiling again as he pops another candy into my mouth. Can he see my hard on? Can he tell? I've always wondered about this part of the ritual. Part of me says he has to know. I become a straining, throbbing mess. He's got to be able to see that, but…

 

The fact that he might have always known and just endured it- because I'm an emotional cripple with an embarrassing crush he has to put up with. And he would- I've seen him at the hospitals, grimacing with dread as young girls with incurable diseases threw their arms around him. The clothes he wears there are quickly discarded. I wonder what he sheds after he sees me.

 

He has such a phobia of germs and decay. It must make him sick to hold me this way.

 

“You think I hate you.”

 

I have no response for that. “I'm transparent,” I say. It's not an angry sound. It's a quiet whisper. An admonition. “You can tell, can't you?”

 

He is very quiet for a moment, as he takes another candy out of the box. The last piece. “I don't hate you. Or what you pretend to be.”

 

His hand sweeps the hair out of my eyes and he sighs. Tohma delicately rubs the candy over my lower lip, and I let him; I'm grateful for the words, for the attention. I am so desperate for love, aren't I?

 

“Why?” The question is not meant for him. I am asking myself. Why do I need this so badly? My body tells me the reason. Fuck, I am aching… And won't he even touch me.

 

“You don't have to become him, Eiri.” He shifts his weight back, and I can feel my hips buck up. Gods, I hope he didn't see that…

 

When I look in his eyes, I can tell he did. He hesitates, blinks; as if I was just moving an arm or leg, before he pops the candy in my mouth.

 

“You don't have to repeat the cycle. I'm not saying you have to make another choice. What's done is done. But you can be a good man, Eiri.”

 

Me, Eiri... a good man. Not a boy- a man. For him to say that. I can't help it; I know he is aware of my reaction, but I cry and move my hips again.

 

Yes, I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I need to hear this. That he sees me, my reaction. But what good is hiding just because of the shame?

 

Is that being a coward?

 

Is that what I've been?

 

“You are stronger than you think,” he says. His voice is like music, it lilts as his hands comb through my hair. “Stronger than I realized, too. Eiri…”

 

I turn my cheek, I can't help it. It feels so good to lay here like this, to hear him call me by my name, to tell me I will be a good man, one day. Maybe one day I won't be afraid. I won't hide like a little boy. Maybe.

 

I need to believe that.

 

I didn't think. Like a child I inched closer, loving the warmth of his body heat, unthinking, moving with pure instinct as I made my way toward my Tohma.

 

My Tohma. Tell me more. Comfort me. Make it all better…

 

“Eiri…” He sounds breathless, far away as I nuzzle him. He's firm, not like a woman, not like a boy. Strong, so strong under the silk and fairy dust. Like I want to be…

 

Then I feel it.

 

Time. It's like there was never any such thing. Who we are, what we are doing- all these things are suspended as the universe stops turning.

 

It's Tohma. I can feel him through his pants… and he's so fucking hard.