Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Autumn's Monologue ❯ Autumn's Monologue ( Chapter 1 )

Autumns Monologue

(I don't own crap. So don't sue.)

//bagel//=lyrics

"Bagel"=spoken words in the English language

Bagel=unspoken thoughts in the English language

Autumn's Monologue

Running as fast as she could, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall, Relena headed for her room. The one place she could always rely on to give her peace and solitude. And right now, that was all she wanted.

Throwing open the door, she burst into violent sobs and flung herself onto the bed. A painful ache in her heart swelled up, almost to the point where it became unbearable. Why had she lost it in there? I thought I had things under control…

Nothing was making sense and everything hurt. Letting out another straggling sob, she recalled the recent events in that party room. Focusing on the ones that involved a certain solder, Heero.

//oh why can't I be what you need?//

She had walked over to him because he was alone in the corner of the room. For months on end, she had liked him. Barely having enough energy to keep from thinking of him constantly, and all she had ever shown him was kindness. But still, she received nothing in return. What am I doing wrong…?

//a new improved version of me,//

She had tried everything. But nothing seemed to get his attention. If anything, it seemed that he found her no more than a nuisance.

//but I'm nothing so good, no I'm nothing. Just bones…//

The fact was that, Heero, being a killer by nature, was not exactly an ideal person to enforce peace. So, Relena had only wanted to help him adapt. She was always there to try and convince Heero that violence and foolish acts were not needed but, he merely brushed her off.

//a lonely ghost burning down songs, of violence of love and of sorrow, I beg for just one more tomorrow.//

Relena sat there, longing to be needed, longing to be seen, and most of all, longing to be loved. Wanting no more than to held, she hugged her self to try and provide comfort. But none came.

//where you hold me down, fold me in, deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins//

Heero just didn't understand how much she cared. How many times had he simply just walked away from her in mid-sentence? How many times had he told her to go away? But I love you…I do…

//I'll break in two over you, I'll break in two//

So she had nothing but blind love for the boy? So what? The slightest response from him meant the world to her. But he kept keeping his distance, and with each passing day, she lost one small piece of her hope.

//and each piece of me dies, only you can give the breath of life, but you don't see me you don't…//

With tears still flowing freely down her cheeks, Relena drifted into the beckoning darkness known as sleep.

However, even her dreams were unpleasant. Everything looked gray and misty, so she couldn't make anything out. But every now and then, a vague vision of a certain perfect solders appeared causing her to remember that she had once again, been rejected.

//here I'm pinned between darkness and light, bleached and blinded by these nights, where I'm tossing and tortured till dawn, by you, visions of you then your gone.//

I love him…but why? She had often questioned this. There was no logical reason for it at all. Barely anything was known about him, yet it seemed he was her gravity.

Pinned. That's what she was. Pinned. Not able to break away from him, even though he hurt her so many times over. Probably without even realizing it. But it didn't matter. She still loved him. Despite everything, she loved him. I can't let go…

//how could love be so thoughtless so cruel, when all, all that I did was for you…//

//I'll break in two over you, I'll break in two and each piece of me dies, and only you can give the breath of life, but you don't see me, you don't…//

Sometimes, Heero would come and talk to her. Concerned that she wasn't getting enough sleep, or that the room wasn't secure enough. These were the only times he started a conversation with her. When it was convenient.

//now you see me, now you don't, now you need me….now you don't…//

Authors note-well, I'm no fan of Relena but I felt compelled to write this. There will be one more chapter to follow this one called, `the fiction we live'. And that will be for heero instead of Relena….hehe well hope you enjoyed and it would be nice to receive a comment. ^^