Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Blood and Roses ❯ A New Awakening ( Chapter 3 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Title: Blood and Roses 3/?
Author: Ashurii (Jisatsu_ganbu on LJ.com aka Celestial_Dragon on FF.net)
E-mail:automatic_girl@orangeday.net
Rating: R ... ?
Series: Gundam Wing
Pairings: 1+2, 3x4, eventual 1x2x1
Warnings: Depressed Duo, cutting, lamenting Heero, angst, SAPPY SAP
Summary: Duo feels he is too far gone to ever come back to happiness, and cuts himself for release. Heero tries, but to no avail, to bring him back. How will Heero deal when Duo cuts himself deeper than he ever has before?
Notes for this Chapter: Sappy sap angst-sap! *does the sappy dance* The song in this chapter is Loreena McKennitt's "Moon Cradle." I'd like to pretend Sister Helen was Irish; the thought gives me great amounts of joy. (Hmn ... Joie?) ^_^ Also, thanks be to my beta, Shelayhill. Don't know what I'd do without you!

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Sleepy violet eyes blinked open, all objects before them washed hazy and blurred at the edges by the drugs in the I.V. drip sticking out of their master's right arm. Duo stared at the needle and tube for a long while, the haze penetrating his brain and making everything hard for him to understand. He wished to pull it out but hadn't the strength so he gave way to just angrily glaring at it. He blinked twice more as things began to focus and looked at his surroundings.

Pristine white and a disgustingly sterile smell. A hospital, no doubt. Duo's mind fought against him - How in the hell did he make it to a hospital? He was dead; he remembered slipping into blackness. A wave of terror gripped him - perhaps this horrible place was heaven! Then, he rationalized and chocked that frivolous thought off to the drug's influence. The long-haired man's eyes raked back down to his limp form under the covers, and he noticed for the first time the white gauze bandages covering his wrists; a long, shaky line of sangoire[1] marring their pristine whiteness. He scowled at them as he realized what had happened, as the hours before his blackout came flooding back to him in a wave of mixed emotion.

"Heero ... "

"... Duo?" a soft voice answered him from across the room, as a familiar jet-black haired head peeked slowly in through the door.

Duo shook his head, the only emotion he seemed to be able to pull off, while somewhere in the back of his mind where the drugs had begun to wear off he was screaming in anger. Duo turned his head to the wall to his left and gave no answer to the Asian boy.

Heero looked down at the floor to hide the impending tears, and as he regained his composure he sat in a chair on the far end of Duo's hospital room, directly across from the bed. They sat in a strained and awkward silence for what seemed like a millennia, until Heero uttered a painful sigh and decided to try again.

"Duo ... I -"

"No." Duo interrupted, voice hoarse from misuse. "I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see you. I want you to leave me the fuck alone." Heero flinched at the harsh words, but gulped and tried for the first time in his life to speak his emotions.

"Duo, please just listen to me." Duo didn't answer, so Heero took a deep breath and silently prayed for once his words wouldn't fail him. "I understand that you would be mad at me -" Duo snorted, annoyed, at this comment, but Heero continued on as if he didn't hear it. "- and I'm not sure I really understand just why, but that's why I'm here. That's why I've always been here - to listen to you." Duo's eyes flicked to Heero's face, but flicked back to the wall as the Asian man realized he was being watched.

"Duo, I don't care if you don't believe me when I say this, but I swear on the parents I never knew that I love you with all my heart. I've loved you for so long, and I just kept pushing it away because I've never felt this way before, and I'll be completely honest with you - this feeling scares the living shit out of me." Duo's face turned to Heero's, a visible feeling of astonishment and confusion gracing his visage. Heero - scared? Impossible! "Through out your recurring cold attitudes, I stuck by you." Heero smiled sadly. "You're my black rose, Duo. Even if you don't realize how wonderful and beautiful you are, just know that I do."

"The others wanted to forcibly check you into a clinic, but I was dead set against it. I thought, at first, that maybe if I showed you as much love as I could it would magically make you all better." Heero laughed mirthlessly, and Duo's eyebrows raised at the sound as the violet-eyed man tried desperately to blame what Heero was saying on the drugs that had already worn off.

"I'm such a fool - I realized that after a few months. But I still kept trying. I suppose then I figured that if I just kept near you, maybe I'd find a way to drag you out of that black hole you dug yourself into. That's why I tried to kiss you that day in front of the picture window in the living room." Duo leaned forward automatically, wondering desperately what Heero's motivations behind those actions had been. He watched, fascinated, as Heero paced nervously back and forth, looking anywhere but at Duo. The Asian man couldn't really love him ... Could he? "I thought maybe if you could feel the love I feel for you through a kiss, then maybe I'd be able to jerk you back into reality long enough to talk you out of it." A flash of confusion crossed Duo's face, and Heero caught it just before it faded away. "I knew you were planning to take your life for a while. I've been reading your journal, Duo."

Duo's mouth dropped open, Heero's admonition shocking him completely. Heero had read ... all of his private thoughts? So many private things, so much blood ...

"I just ..." Heero let out an anguished sigh that twisted at Duo's heart, which in turn angered the long-haired man. Why was he overcome with the overwhelming urge to hold the anguished Asian boy? Why did Heero make him feel so odd, so different than he ever could. Could it be ... Love? "I didn't know what I could do. So I did nothing." He slumped down into his chair again and put his head in his hands. "For all my training, all my knowledge and all my stoicism, I never learned how to stop the person I love from leaving my life forever. And because of that you could be dead right now. It would be my fault, all my fault!" He sobbed hard into his hands, Duo left in a state of shock, mouth agape, from his perch on the bed. Was Heero Yuy truly crying? And ... had he really been the one to make the stoic one cry? "God, Duo," he cried out, bairly audible between his sobs, "I'm so fucking sorry! If I were you I would hate me, too!"

"I don't hate you, Heero." Duo replied almost inaudably, but Heero's sensitive ears picked up the reply effortlessly. Heero raised his head to look into those breathtaking violet eyes, stubborn tears still streaming from his prussian blue eyes, drying in angry lines down his cheeks. "Suffice to say that you utterly confuse me." he added with a dry laugh. The long-haired boy looked up to lock eyes with the other boy, and he smiled through his steadily tearing eyes. "How do you do this to me Heero?" Heero looked confused, and Duo tried to laugh but only managed to choke on a hidden sob. "How do you make me feel so ... so ... " The boy lost all control and began to sob unconsolably into his hands, crying out even harder due to the pain in his arms. Heero rushed forward to force the boys hands back into his lap so he wouldn't tear the fresh stitches out, and crushed the soft body against him, cradling the sobbing boy and rocking him slowly back and forth, whispering sweet words in Japanese into the boys ear.

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Duo woke up what seemed like an eternity later, with a pounding headache due to his tears, and an odd feeling of ... serenity. God, it felt so odd. Not good, not bad, just ... odd. He hadn't felt this way in longer than he could remember. He opened his eyes and was met with a dark forest-shade of green. He looked up, confused, into Heero's open blue eyes. He realized Heero was holding him close to his body, keeping his arms level so as not to pull out the stitches, and was stroking his unbound hair softly. The Asian man's forehead was pressed lightly to Duo's and they stared into each other's eyes for a long moment, unblinking, just laying on the bed next to each other.

"I don't know what to do ..." Duo managed to croak out, then peered back at Heero's chest, unable to work his feelings into words. "I mean, what is it we do now?"

"I don't know, Duo. I think that's completely up to you." Heero tilted the long-haired boy's head up to peer into his eyes, violet and prussian searching eachother for any untold emotions. "What is it that you want, Duo?"

"I ..." Duo was at a loss for words, for once in a very long time. He wasn't sure what he wanted. He knew he liked this feeling Heero was giving him right now, but didn't know what he wanted beyond here and this moment. "I want to be happy again."

Heero smiled softly at him, the expression of happiness on Heero's face making Duo smile a soft, genuine smile back at him. "I think that's something you and I could work on together. Don't you?" Duo smiled, nodding softly, then snuggled his head back against Heero's chest. Heero sighed happily, pulling Duo closer.

A song a nun from Duo's childhood used to sing chose that moment to creep back into his memory, and he was struck with this unearthly urge to sing. So he did.

"When the moon-cradle's rocking and rocking
Where a cloud and a cloud go by
Silently rocking and rocking
The moon-cradle out in the sky.

"Then comes the lad with the hazel
And the folding star's in the rack
'Night's a good herd' to the cattle,
He sings, 'She brings all things back.'

"But the bond woman down by the boorie
Sings with a heart grown wild
How a hundred rivers are flowing
Between herself and her child.

"'The geese, even they trudge homeward
That have their wings and the waste,
Let your thoughts be on Night the Herder,
And be quiet for a space.'

"The moon-cradle's rocking and rocking,
Where a cloud and a cloud go by,
Silently rocking and rocking
The moon-cradle out in the sky.

"The snipe they are crying and crying
Liadine, Liadine, Liadine
Where no track's on the bog they are flying:
A lonely dream will be mine!

"Where no track's on the bog they are flying:
A lonely dream will be mine ..."

The new-found lovers snuggled into each other, enjoying the warmth as Duo hummed the last bars of the enchanting song. Individually, Heero was enjoying Duo's song, and Duo was enjoying the peaceful feeling now settling into his heart. Both passed into a dreamless sleep, something both had needed for years upon years.

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[1] : From Jacqueline Carrey's "Kushiel" trilogy. A dark red colour, almost black.