Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Blood and Roses ❯ The Soldier Heals ( Chapter 6 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Ashurii 
With the help of the pilots, Heero begins to heal. Duo is defiant and Sally gives him an ultimatum.
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 08.01.2004 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.3K | Visits: 308 | Status: Completed
With the help of the pilots, Heero begins to heal. Duo is defiant and Sally gives him an ultimatum.
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Romance | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 08.01.2004 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.3K | Visits: 308 | Status: Completed
Title: Blood and Roses 6/?
Author: Ashurii (Jisatsu_ganbu on LJ.com aka Celestial_Dragon on FF.net)
E-mail: automatic_girl@orangeday.net
Rating: Erm. R, right now. *evil hentai grin*
Series: Gundam Wing
Pairings: 1+2, 3x4, mention of past 5xM
Warnings: Depressed Duo, cutting, lamenting Heero, angst
Summary: Duo feels he is too far gone to ever come back to happiness, and cuts himself for release. Heero tries, but to no avail, to bring him back. How will Heero deal when Duo cuts himself deeper than he ever has before?
Notes for this chappie: And here marks the beginning of the recovery, people, if only for Heero in this chapter. Figuring that Duo's will take longer, and being that he's being stubborn (-_-;), Heero will be the first to begin to mend.
Also, thank you to everyone who's been reviewing me: Ryoko21, Vastulja Sata Menton, priscel, Weissangel24, tymeria, Chiisa Neko, Joy2, Foxhiei, Kitty Kat 0303, camillian, lonely_ragdoll13, Cinnamin911, ShinigamiPhoenix, MidnightShade3, Tymeria, Sarah, meesa, and Rose! I really appreciate all of your feedback - what you liked, didn't, if I'm doing a good job - feedback and criticism is always appreciated! *beams and is generally happy*
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Heero slowed considerably to turn into the driveway of their shared house. He stopped to peer at himself in the mirror. I look like shit. He thought, running a hand through his hair. He took a deep breath, and prepared to meet the people he'd been skillfully avoiding since Duo went into the hospital.
It wasn't that he didn't want help from his friends - lord knows he'd need it now - but having them around made him feel awkward. Quatre was always trying to reassure him nothing was his fault, Wufei gave them both blank stares, and Trowa seemed to be there only for Quatre's benefit. He knew it was callous of him to think such things of his friends, but he now realized what it was he really wanted - to be alone with Duo. It had nothing to do with them, only his own selfishness. He felt horrible for feeling that way, and even more horrible for telling them to stay away, and had pondered over how to make amends with them the entirety of the long drive.
Heero absently wandered out of the car, deep in thought, forgetting to lock it. He scratched at his scalp as he walked, wondering what he could possibly say to make amends. As he reached the door his left hand slowly moved out to turn the knob but before he could reach it it flew open before him. He blinked as Quatre filled his vision, expression first confused and then excited.
"Oh! Heero!" Quatre smiled, turning behind him to shout into the house. "Hey, everyone! Heero's back from the hospital!" Heero blinked absently, confused, as his blonde friend grabbed him by the upper arm and ushered him in.
"... How did you know-"
"Oh, Sally called and told us you'd be coming," Quatre interrupted, dragging Heero over to the kitchen table, where he pushed him down into a sitting position in one of the chairs. "You sit here. I'll get you something to drink."
Heero sat dumbfounded for several moments, unable to understand why Quatre was being so nice to him after how he had treated them all. A moment later Quatre was shoving a mug of warm herbal tea into Heero's hands. He sat down in the seat across from Heero with a cup of his own, looking his Japanese friend in the eyes. He smiled warmly. "Heero - Don't worry about it."
Heero continued to just stare - nothing seemed to be clicking.
Quatre noticed and reached forward to pat his friend on the hand. "We all knew how upset you were and how much stress you were under. I also knew that Duo needed a lot of time to work through all of his demons - and if anyone in this house could be there for him it would have been you." Quatre smiled, picking up his own mug of tea off of the table and taking a slow sip. He set it back down and made a point of looking Heero in the eyes. "We've all had no problem stepping back and allowing you to do what you could."
Heero's eyes dropped to his lap. "But, I couldn't even do anything. I just ... made it worse."
Quatre smiled sympathetically. "You have to trust me, Heero - that boy really does care about you - but in his current condition, I seriously doubt he'd trust his own mother." He noticed Heero opening his mouth in retort, but Quatre held up a hand with a soft smirk. "I'm quite aware Duo has no mother - at least, none we're aware of - it's just an expression." He watched Heero frown ever so slightly, a crease forming between his eyebrows. "Everything will work out just fine for Duo. He's getting all the help he could ever need. He'll get better soon; I'm sure of it." The blonde-haired man stood, setting his mug on the counter, and turned back to Heero to give him a reassuring smile, before departing off into the darker corners of the house. "But, in the meantime, we're all here to help *you* get better."
Heero smiled in spite of himself. Perhaps this won't be as hard as I thought it would be ...
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]
Duo sat in his hospital bed, arms folded in a mock tantrum. Where the hell had he screwed up? How had the doctors caught on? When Heero had left him in his room alone, he was afraid, but a smug little voice in the back of his mind was telling him the Japanese man would come back. He always came back.
Minutes turned into hours, and hours turned into days. Heero wasn't coming back. He was angry in the beginning, throwing his bedding and pillows - anything he could reach - to ease his anger, this feeling of betrayal. Then the deep depression came back, but it had changed in a weird way, a way Duo was having problems describing. It wasn't the way it was before, it seemed darker, scarier. He looked at Heero's empty chair, and instead of feeling that same emptiness inside of himself, the one he was so used to, he was filled with ... regret? Anguish? Woe?
It had been so long since Duo had felt those feelings so pure and unmixed - He wasn't really sure if he even could anymore, which just made him more confused.
He sighed, leaning back into his pillows and stared at the wall before him. What am I going to do? I was so sure I'd be able to get the hell out of here ... How am I going to get out now?
"Well, you could start by admitting you have a problem."
Duo turned abruptly toward the voice, clasping his hand over his mouth, shocked that he had admitted those thoughts out loud. He saw Sally leaning casually on the door frame with a soft smirk on her face. He scowled at her, pulling his blankets up to his chin and slinking down underneath his covers. Duo hated how she was looking at him, like she knew he'd be feeling this way. He hated himself even more.
The chestnut-haired man watched as the doctor made her way around the room, never taking her eyes off of him, and sat down in Heero's now vacant chair. This made Duo scowl even deeper, his violet-blue eyes flashing from anger. Sally seemed oblivious to his glares, and stared at him with an indifferent gaze, hear head cocked to one side.
"You know why you're here, Duo. You need help."
"I'm here because you sent him away! I was fine until you made him leave! It's all your fault!" he growled at her, glaring fit to kill. Sally just stared back with a soft look of amusement.
"Duo," she began, her voice firm but still soft. "He left because he knew you weren't being helped with him here as a distraction. We both know all the things you've been writing in your journal and telling the other doctors have been lies." She rose from her seat noticing the quick flashes of shock across Duo's visage and moved her chair closer to Duo's bed. He shrunk back as she leaned in closer.
"Now." Her voice became hard, all question of her amusement gone. "You have two options. One: you admit you need help and the staff and I here at this hospital will do any and everything we can to help you onto the road to recovery. Two: You sit here, refuse help, and rot in that bed. Because you're not going anywhere else.
The braided man stared at her, shocked. "You ... You can't do that!"
Sally smirked. "We can do whatever we want. You signed a release stating that you were to be kept here until a third party - namely, Heero - signed you out. He has given me full responsibility for you in writing to take over and now be the one that is in charge of your release. Heero himself insists you not leave until you're well."
Duo was dumbfounded. Heero ... Heero wanted him to stay in this place? Why? The Asian man had just left him here. And if he didn't do what they said he'd never get out of here? He'd have to stay here until the end of his days? What had he done to deserve this?
Sally's face fell slightly as she saw the look that was crossing Duo's face. She knew it would be hard for him to understand, but considering his denial she didn't think it would hit this hard. She realized she was right as Duo's expression hardened again into one of anger.
"I'm fine." He stated powerfully, bordering on an angry yell. "There's nothing wrong with me. I want to leave, I want to go home. You can't keep me here!"
"Oh, can't I?" She retorted, glaring back at her defiant patient. "Either you get help or you don't. It's no problem to me if you want to act like a spoilt brat and act as if nothing is wrong and just go back to hurting yourself. It's my job to make sure you get better, and god damn it I will help you if it's the last thing I do!" She stalked to the door, pausing momentarily in the door frame to throw one more retort at her angered patient before leaving. "No matter how long it takes."
Duo glared as the door slammed shut, ultimately perturbed and also quite a bit unnerved at how this entire event was turning out. "What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Heero ... Why the fuck did you do this to me?!"
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]
Heero's eyes jerked open abruptly, and he looked around at his surroundings with confusion. As he sat up his muscles tensed and he was reminded of what had happened in the hours before he had slept. He recalled his conversation with Quatre as he spied his now cold mug of tea. Heero realized he had fallen asleep at the table, arms crossed under his head as a makeshift cushion. He groaned, stretching, as his bones popped in and out of place affording him some comfort. He hadn't slept in days, and he enjoyed the relief the brief rest had afforded him.
As the Japanese man sat his melancholy slipped back over him as flashes of Duo filled his mind. He was torn between being upset over not being near him, and being happy over the truth in Sally's words: Duo would definitely get better now. Heero knew in his mind that his not being there would certainly help - he'd come to terms with having to leave the only person he'd ever cared about on such short notice.
He'd come to terms with it. It didn't mean he was enjoying it.
Heero still felt wary over leaving Duo behind without so much as an explanation. All he could force himself to say was goodbye - he knew there was no way he'd be able to survive without that little bit of comfort. On his way back down the hall to Duo's room he had tried desperately to organize all of his thoughts, to come up with some speech he could say to Duo to make him understand. He didn't particularly like leaving Duo at Sally's ministrations for the explanation but as he thought it over he decided it may have been for the best. Sally's brash nature and straightforward way of speaking would hopefully get through to Duo better than Heero's words had.
Hopefully.
Heero sighed and ran a hand through his chocolate-brown hair. He heard a noise in the hall and saw Quatre lingering in the doorway to the kitchen. The blonde Arabian gave him a small smile, then turned and motioned behind him. As he walked into the kitchen the other two pilots followed. Heero sighed again. "I'm not sure if I'm ready for this ..." he thought, trying to resist giving in to the urge to flee from the situation.
The three pilots sat at the table around him. Heero peered at each one in turn as all eyes locked on him. Eventually, he gave in, sighing and looking down at his lap.
"Heero," Quatre began, "I can feel how hard this is for you, but believe me when I say that we're all here for you." He motioned at the two silent pilots as they nodded in agreement.
"I ... thank you all for your concern," Heero began slowly, fighting hard to keep the bitter sarcasm out of his voice but failing miserably. "But I hardly believe that any of you could possibly understand how I feel. From what I recall, the loves of your lives have never repeatedly tried to kill themselves to get away from you."
Quatre winced at Heero's tone and Trowa cast the Asian man a sharp look. He understand his Japanese friend was having problems but that was no reason to be rude to those trying to help; especially when his own lover was involved. Quatre laid a hand on Trowa's arm, causing the silent man to cast him a questioning look. Quatre shook his head, as if to say, "Please don't. I can handle this - I know he doesn't mean what he's saying."
The blonde man opened his mouth to speak, but Wufei was the first to answer, his tone holding enough bite to rival Heero's. "Well you have never held the love of your life in your arms as she died, so don't you dare tell me I do not understand this pain that you are feeling."
Heero blinked. He had never heard that before ... sure, bits and pieces about his wife, Meilan, but he also remembered being told it was an arranged marriage. He never stopped to think that perhaps Wufei had loved her. Heero bowed his head in defeat, eyes sliding shut, and Wufei nodded in acceptance.
"Please, Heero," Quatre tried again, casting a sympathetic glance at Wufei. "You know in your heart we're only here to help you. I do understand that you think your feelings should be kept inside of you until you know how to deal with them - but I can tell you that's not healthy." Quatre reached across the narrow table to pat the top of Heero's hand, causing the Japanese man to open his eyes and look up at the blonde. Quatre smiled softly at him. "Maybe if you tell us everything you're feeling we'll be able to, at the very least, help you sort through it all."
Trowa nodded in agreement to his lover's statement. "Also, Heero," he spoke softly as he normally did, his calm nature hiding whatever he may have been feeling at the moment. "I can tell you for a fact that Duo isn't doing this to get away from you. You and I both know that has nothing to do with it. I believe Sally has talked to you about all this already?"
Heero nodded. "Yes ... but at the time I dismissed all her information. I didn't want to hear it. I honestly didn't think she was helping." His head sunk lower. "I never even thought that it might be me ..."
Wufei draped a comforting arm around Heero's shoulders and Heero managed a soft upward quirk of the lips to show his gratitude. "I'm ... sorry, everyone." Heero managed weakly, his eyes dropping to the shiny finish of the table. "I'm sorry for everything ..."
"There's no need." Quatre replied with a flippant gesture. "All of that is in the past. We're here to listen now - that's all that matters. Please, Heero. Tell us everything." The three sat forward in their seats, Quatre with his arms folded across one another on the table, Trowa with a comforting arm around Quatre's waist, and Wufei with his elbow on the table, face resting in his hand. His easygoing gesture did little to hide the concern in his eyes that even Heero couldn't miss.
The Japanese took a deep breath and prepared to divulge his heart and soul - one of the hardest things he found he'd ever have to do.
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]
Duo lay in the dark room, blankets kicked down to the end of the bed and shivering. He could feel the cold so deep it was as if it were in his bones, but his mind was elsewhere. He felt like his thoughts were racing a million miles a minute, but never stopping on anything he felt was important. He sighed, flopped over on his side and looked out the window. It was raining again. He vaguely remembered it had been showering on and off lately, but with all this diversion he was doing had done nothing more than divert himself from the truth.
The part that hurt the most was that Heero himself had agreed to leaving. He couldn't blame it on Sally anymore, couldn't say that Sally had kicked him out and was somehow keeping him away. Every doctor, nurse, and receptionist he had talked to echoed the same statement: Heero had left of his own volition. Looking troubled, yes, but still of his own free will. Duo sighed again flopping onto his back and stared at the tiles on the ceiling.
"Maybe Sally's right ... Maybe Heero's right ..." he whispered to the darkness as he focused on the pockmarks in the styrofoam tiles. "Maybe I really do need help ..."
He rolled onto his stomach, face pressed into his pillow, deciding he was far too tired to be staying up and thinking. His mind was refusing to obey his body's need for sleep, so all he managed was a deep sigh muffled into a soft noise of disappointment by the pillow.
After both Sally and Duo had calmed down, Sally came back to outline his situation if he chose to allow her to help. He wouldn't have any contact outside of the hospital for three months, then if he was making good progress he would be able to receive phone calls - if he wanted them, that was. These calls would be kept to a small, strict number a week, so as not to encourage dependency. Then, as things progressed, he would be allowed to call outside of the hospital himself ... within reason, of course. He had to admit that he did enjoy the small amounts of freedom and choice she was awarding him. Not many people had given him even that in his life and no matter how much he procrastinated he was thankful for that small deviation of comfort in this troubling situation.
She told him eventually, when we was very close to being better, she'd allow people to come see him. Duo had to admit to himself right then and there that it was something he would like to look forward to. Seeing his friends would mean a lot to him, even if he couldn't allow himself to show it. Seeing Heero on the other hand ... Duo still had mixed feelings on the man. He couldn't tell when he looked into those deep-blue eyes whether or not he wanted to jump into his arms or stab him through the skull. It unnerved him how his emotions contrasted, but that persistent little voice in the back of his head kept warranting Heero as a threat.
He wasn't sure if he wanted to listen to that little voice anymore. As he analyzed it, that little voice hadn't awarded him any real comfort besides the temporary comfort of cutting: He had landed himself in this place, his friends had deserted him ...
Duo turned on his side again to face the door this time. A small crack of light filtered in from the dimly lit hallway. He could hear one of the female nurse's heels clicking against the polished floor and it soothed him somewhat. He felt his eyes droop as his brain began to give in to sleep.
He'd see what Sally could do about that voice in the morning. Maybe her opinion and her expertise really were worth listening to ...
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Heero clenched and unclenched his hands beneath the table, biting his lip as he tried his hardest to come up with a way to tell his friends the basics of what he was feeling and still keep some of it hidden. He wasn't the person who would readily spill their heart, even if it was to his close friends, and he was having troubles even admitting that he was feeling anything at all. He idly wondered if this was part of Duo's problem, but decided to brush it off - he didn't need to be adding more pain to the current situation by thinking of his braided love.
Quatre was watching him very carefully, the way his muscles were tensing, the small lines of frustration forming between his eyes - he knew Heero was trying to come up with a way to hide things from them. What made Heero think they wouldn't notice? Did he hope they wouldn't press the issue? Quatre began to have doubts; perhaps they should leave Heero be for the night, he had been through a lot ...
Trowa noticed his lover's inner struggle and laid a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. The barest hint of a smile, more of a quirking up of the ends of the lips, crossed his face and Quatre felt at ease. He loved how Trowa could make him feel so good. Quatre was assaulted suddenly by a flood of anger and hate, and was at first thrown back into a state of shock at the sudden influx of emotion in the room. At first, the blonde man couldn't tell where the emotions were coming from, but the soft sniffling noises from across the table dispelled any confusion in his mind.
Heero was crying.
The blonde Arabian rose from his seat to close his arms around his Asian friend as he sobbed harder. Quatre figured his presence had something to do with Heero's current emotions, due to the power of the emotion he had felt, but felt the most amazing urge to do anything he could to comfort his friend.
Heero felt angry and forlorn. He could see how happy his friends were together, how they enjoyed leaning on each other when they needed support. Even Wufei in his own quiet scholarly way was happy. Heero just felt alone. He felt like he was loving someone that may never be able to love him back. A flood of thoughts assaulted his mind: If Duo was pretending to love me to please the doctors, does that mean he doesn't care about me in that way at all? Would he just use me? Am I killing myself over someone who may very well be laughing at my frailty behind my back? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I have what my friends have? I've killed, I've sinned, I've lied and stolen - I'd done everything in that damn war. The same as the people here holding and comforting me. So why don't I deserve what they've found? Why don't I deserve to be normal? To be loved? To be happy?
The Japanese man sobbed harder as the other pilot's arms slipped silently around him in a comforting hug. No matter how much Heero pushed him away, one fact would always ring true: Heero's friends loved him and would do anything to help him in this most frail and angst-ridden time in his life.
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*d abs eyes with kleenex*
That didn't end exactly has how I'd planned, but I think I like this ending better. I didn't really think Heero would be open to talking quite so soon. Crying - yes. Talking - no. ^_^;
Lemme know what you all think!
Author: Ashurii (Jisatsu_ganbu on LJ.com aka Celestial_Dragon on FF.net)
E-mail: automatic_girl@orangeday.net
Rating: Erm. R, right now. *evil hentai grin*
Series: Gundam Wing
Pairings: 1+2, 3x4, mention of past 5xM
Warnings: Depressed Duo, cutting, lamenting Heero, angst
Summary: Duo feels he is too far gone to ever come back to happiness, and cuts himself for release. Heero tries, but to no avail, to bring him back. How will Heero deal when Duo cuts himself deeper than he ever has before?
Notes for this chappie: And here marks the beginning of the recovery, people, if only for Heero in this chapter. Figuring that Duo's will take longer, and being that he's being stubborn (-_-;), Heero will be the first to begin to mend.
Also, thank you to everyone who's been reviewing me: Ryoko21, Vastulja Sata Menton, priscel, Weissangel24, tymeria, Chiisa Neko, Joy2, Foxhiei, Kitty Kat 0303, camillian, lonely_ragdoll13, Cinnamin911, ShinigamiPhoenix, MidnightShade3, Tymeria, Sarah, meesa, and Rose! I really appreciate all of your feedback - what you liked, didn't, if I'm doing a good job - feedback and criticism is always appreciated! *beams and is generally happy*
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Heero slowed considerably to turn into the driveway of their shared house. He stopped to peer at himself in the mirror. I look like shit. He thought, running a hand through his hair. He took a deep breath, and prepared to meet the people he'd been skillfully avoiding since Duo went into the hospital.
It wasn't that he didn't want help from his friends - lord knows he'd need it now - but having them around made him feel awkward. Quatre was always trying to reassure him nothing was his fault, Wufei gave them both blank stares, and Trowa seemed to be there only for Quatre's benefit. He knew it was callous of him to think such things of his friends, but he now realized what it was he really wanted - to be alone with Duo. It had nothing to do with them, only his own selfishness. He felt horrible for feeling that way, and even more horrible for telling them to stay away, and had pondered over how to make amends with them the entirety of the long drive.
Heero absently wandered out of the car, deep in thought, forgetting to lock it. He scratched at his scalp as he walked, wondering what he could possibly say to make amends. As he reached the door his left hand slowly moved out to turn the knob but before he could reach it it flew open before him. He blinked as Quatre filled his vision, expression first confused and then excited.
"Oh! Heero!" Quatre smiled, turning behind him to shout into the house. "Hey, everyone! Heero's back from the hospital!" Heero blinked absently, confused, as his blonde friend grabbed him by the upper arm and ushered him in.
"... How did you know-"
"Oh, Sally called and told us you'd be coming," Quatre interrupted, dragging Heero over to the kitchen table, where he pushed him down into a sitting position in one of the chairs. "You sit here. I'll get you something to drink."
Heero sat dumbfounded for several moments, unable to understand why Quatre was being so nice to him after how he had treated them all. A moment later Quatre was shoving a mug of warm herbal tea into Heero's hands. He sat down in the seat across from Heero with a cup of his own, looking his Japanese friend in the eyes. He smiled warmly. "Heero - Don't worry about it."
Heero continued to just stare - nothing seemed to be clicking.
Quatre noticed and reached forward to pat his friend on the hand. "We all knew how upset you were and how much stress you were under. I also knew that Duo needed a lot of time to work through all of his demons - and if anyone in this house could be there for him it would have been you." Quatre smiled, picking up his own mug of tea off of the table and taking a slow sip. He set it back down and made a point of looking Heero in the eyes. "We've all had no problem stepping back and allowing you to do what you could."
Heero's eyes dropped to his lap. "But, I couldn't even do anything. I just ... made it worse."
Quatre smiled sympathetically. "You have to trust me, Heero - that boy really does care about you - but in his current condition, I seriously doubt he'd trust his own mother." He noticed Heero opening his mouth in retort, but Quatre held up a hand with a soft smirk. "I'm quite aware Duo has no mother - at least, none we're aware of - it's just an expression." He watched Heero frown ever so slightly, a crease forming between his eyebrows. "Everything will work out just fine for Duo. He's getting all the help he could ever need. He'll get better soon; I'm sure of it." The blonde-haired man stood, setting his mug on the counter, and turned back to Heero to give him a reassuring smile, before departing off into the darker corners of the house. "But, in the meantime, we're all here to help *you* get better."
Heero smiled in spite of himself. Perhaps this won't be as hard as I thought it would be ...
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]
Duo sat in his hospital bed, arms folded in a mock tantrum. Where the hell had he screwed up? How had the doctors caught on? When Heero had left him in his room alone, he was afraid, but a smug little voice in the back of his mind was telling him the Japanese man would come back. He always came back.
Minutes turned into hours, and hours turned into days. Heero wasn't coming back. He was angry in the beginning, throwing his bedding and pillows - anything he could reach - to ease his anger, this feeling of betrayal. Then the deep depression came back, but it had changed in a weird way, a way Duo was having problems describing. It wasn't the way it was before, it seemed darker, scarier. He looked at Heero's empty chair, and instead of feeling that same emptiness inside of himself, the one he was so used to, he was filled with ... regret? Anguish? Woe?
It had been so long since Duo had felt those feelings so pure and unmixed - He wasn't really sure if he even could anymore, which just made him more confused.
He sighed, leaning back into his pillows and stared at the wall before him. What am I going to do? I was so sure I'd be able to get the hell out of here ... How am I going to get out now?
"Well, you could start by admitting you have a problem."
Duo turned abruptly toward the voice, clasping his hand over his mouth, shocked that he had admitted those thoughts out loud. He saw Sally leaning casually on the door frame with a soft smirk on her face. He scowled at her, pulling his blankets up to his chin and slinking down underneath his covers. Duo hated how she was looking at him, like she knew he'd be feeling this way. He hated himself even more.
The chestnut-haired man watched as the doctor made her way around the room, never taking her eyes off of him, and sat down in Heero's now vacant chair. This made Duo scowl even deeper, his violet-blue eyes flashing from anger. Sally seemed oblivious to his glares, and stared at him with an indifferent gaze, hear head cocked to one side.
"You know why you're here, Duo. You need help."
"I'm here because you sent him away! I was fine until you made him leave! It's all your fault!" he growled at her, glaring fit to kill. Sally just stared back with a soft look of amusement.
"Duo," she began, her voice firm but still soft. "He left because he knew you weren't being helped with him here as a distraction. We both know all the things you've been writing in your journal and telling the other doctors have been lies." She rose from her seat noticing the quick flashes of shock across Duo's visage and moved her chair closer to Duo's bed. He shrunk back as she leaned in closer.
"Now." Her voice became hard, all question of her amusement gone. "You have two options. One: you admit you need help and the staff and I here at this hospital will do any and everything we can to help you onto the road to recovery. Two: You sit here, refuse help, and rot in that bed. Because you're not going anywhere else.
The braided man stared at her, shocked. "You ... You can't do that!"
Sally smirked. "We can do whatever we want. You signed a release stating that you were to be kept here until a third party - namely, Heero - signed you out. He has given me full responsibility for you in writing to take over and now be the one that is in charge of your release. Heero himself insists you not leave until you're well."
Duo was dumbfounded. Heero ... Heero wanted him to stay in this place? Why? The Asian man had just left him here. And if he didn't do what they said he'd never get out of here? He'd have to stay here until the end of his days? What had he done to deserve this?
Sally's face fell slightly as she saw the look that was crossing Duo's face. She knew it would be hard for him to understand, but considering his denial she didn't think it would hit this hard. She realized she was right as Duo's expression hardened again into one of anger.
"I'm fine." He stated powerfully, bordering on an angry yell. "There's nothing wrong with me. I want to leave, I want to go home. You can't keep me here!"
"Oh, can't I?" She retorted, glaring back at her defiant patient. "Either you get help or you don't. It's no problem to me if you want to act like a spoilt brat and act as if nothing is wrong and just go back to hurting yourself. It's my job to make sure you get better, and god damn it I will help you if it's the last thing I do!" She stalked to the door, pausing momentarily in the door frame to throw one more retort at her angered patient before leaving. "No matter how long it takes."
Duo glared as the door slammed shut, ultimately perturbed and also quite a bit unnerved at how this entire event was turning out. "What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Heero ... Why the fuck did you do this to me?!"
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]
Heero's eyes jerked open abruptly, and he looked around at his surroundings with confusion. As he sat up his muscles tensed and he was reminded of what had happened in the hours before he had slept. He recalled his conversation with Quatre as he spied his now cold mug of tea. Heero realized he had fallen asleep at the table, arms crossed under his head as a makeshift cushion. He groaned, stretching, as his bones popped in and out of place affording him some comfort. He hadn't slept in days, and he enjoyed the relief the brief rest had afforded him.
As the Japanese man sat his melancholy slipped back over him as flashes of Duo filled his mind. He was torn between being upset over not being near him, and being happy over the truth in Sally's words: Duo would definitely get better now. Heero knew in his mind that his not being there would certainly help - he'd come to terms with having to leave the only person he'd ever cared about on such short notice.
He'd come to terms with it. It didn't mean he was enjoying it.
Heero still felt wary over leaving Duo behind without so much as an explanation. All he could force himself to say was goodbye - he knew there was no way he'd be able to survive without that little bit of comfort. On his way back down the hall to Duo's room he had tried desperately to organize all of his thoughts, to come up with some speech he could say to Duo to make him understand. He didn't particularly like leaving Duo at Sally's ministrations for the explanation but as he thought it over he decided it may have been for the best. Sally's brash nature and straightforward way of speaking would hopefully get through to Duo better than Heero's words had.
Hopefully.
Heero sighed and ran a hand through his chocolate-brown hair. He heard a noise in the hall and saw Quatre lingering in the doorway to the kitchen. The blonde Arabian gave him a small smile, then turned and motioned behind him. As he walked into the kitchen the other two pilots followed. Heero sighed again. "I'm not sure if I'm ready for this ..." he thought, trying to resist giving in to the urge to flee from the situation.
The three pilots sat at the table around him. Heero peered at each one in turn as all eyes locked on him. Eventually, he gave in, sighing and looking down at his lap.
"Heero," Quatre began, "I can feel how hard this is for you, but believe me when I say that we're all here for you." He motioned at the two silent pilots as they nodded in agreement.
"I ... thank you all for your concern," Heero began slowly, fighting hard to keep the bitter sarcasm out of his voice but failing miserably. "But I hardly believe that any of you could possibly understand how I feel. From what I recall, the loves of your lives have never repeatedly tried to kill themselves to get away from you."
Quatre winced at Heero's tone and Trowa cast the Asian man a sharp look. He understand his Japanese friend was having problems but that was no reason to be rude to those trying to help; especially when his own lover was involved. Quatre laid a hand on Trowa's arm, causing the silent man to cast him a questioning look. Quatre shook his head, as if to say, "Please don't. I can handle this - I know he doesn't mean what he's saying."
The blonde man opened his mouth to speak, but Wufei was the first to answer, his tone holding enough bite to rival Heero's. "Well you have never held the love of your life in your arms as she died, so don't you dare tell me I do not understand this pain that you are feeling."
Heero blinked. He had never heard that before ... sure, bits and pieces about his wife, Meilan, but he also remembered being told it was an arranged marriage. He never stopped to think that perhaps Wufei had loved her. Heero bowed his head in defeat, eyes sliding shut, and Wufei nodded in acceptance.
"Please, Heero," Quatre tried again, casting a sympathetic glance at Wufei. "You know in your heart we're only here to help you. I do understand that you think your feelings should be kept inside of you until you know how to deal with them - but I can tell you that's not healthy." Quatre reached across the narrow table to pat the top of Heero's hand, causing the Japanese man to open his eyes and look up at the blonde. Quatre smiled softly at him. "Maybe if you tell us everything you're feeling we'll be able to, at the very least, help you sort through it all."
Trowa nodded in agreement to his lover's statement. "Also, Heero," he spoke softly as he normally did, his calm nature hiding whatever he may have been feeling at the moment. "I can tell you for a fact that Duo isn't doing this to get away from you. You and I both know that has nothing to do with it. I believe Sally has talked to you about all this already?"
Heero nodded. "Yes ... but at the time I dismissed all her information. I didn't want to hear it. I honestly didn't think she was helping." His head sunk lower. "I never even thought that it might be me ..."
Wufei draped a comforting arm around Heero's shoulders and Heero managed a soft upward quirk of the lips to show his gratitude. "I'm ... sorry, everyone." Heero managed weakly, his eyes dropping to the shiny finish of the table. "I'm sorry for everything ..."
"There's no need." Quatre replied with a flippant gesture. "All of that is in the past. We're here to listen now - that's all that matters. Please, Heero. Tell us everything." The three sat forward in their seats, Quatre with his arms folded across one another on the table, Trowa with a comforting arm around Quatre's waist, and Wufei with his elbow on the table, face resting in his hand. His easygoing gesture did little to hide the concern in his eyes that even Heero couldn't miss.
The Japanese took a deep breath and prepared to divulge his heart and soul - one of the hardest things he found he'd ever have to do.
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]
Duo lay in the dark room, blankets kicked down to the end of the bed and shivering. He could feel the cold so deep it was as if it were in his bones, but his mind was elsewhere. He felt like his thoughts were racing a million miles a minute, but never stopping on anything he felt was important. He sighed, flopped over on his side and looked out the window. It was raining again. He vaguely remembered it had been showering on and off lately, but with all this diversion he was doing had done nothing more than divert himself from the truth.
The part that hurt the most was that Heero himself had agreed to leaving. He couldn't blame it on Sally anymore, couldn't say that Sally had kicked him out and was somehow keeping him away. Every doctor, nurse, and receptionist he had talked to echoed the same statement: Heero had left of his own volition. Looking troubled, yes, but still of his own free will. Duo sighed again flopping onto his back and stared at the tiles on the ceiling.
"Maybe Sally's right ... Maybe Heero's right ..." he whispered to the darkness as he focused on the pockmarks in the styrofoam tiles. "Maybe I really do need help ..."
He rolled onto his stomach, face pressed into his pillow, deciding he was far too tired to be staying up and thinking. His mind was refusing to obey his body's need for sleep, so all he managed was a deep sigh muffled into a soft noise of disappointment by the pillow.
After both Sally and Duo had calmed down, Sally came back to outline his situation if he chose to allow her to help. He wouldn't have any contact outside of the hospital for three months, then if he was making good progress he would be able to receive phone calls - if he wanted them, that was. These calls would be kept to a small, strict number a week, so as not to encourage dependency. Then, as things progressed, he would be allowed to call outside of the hospital himself ... within reason, of course. He had to admit that he did enjoy the small amounts of freedom and choice she was awarding him. Not many people had given him even that in his life and no matter how much he procrastinated he was thankful for that small deviation of comfort in this troubling situation.
She told him eventually, when we was very close to being better, she'd allow people to come see him. Duo had to admit to himself right then and there that it was something he would like to look forward to. Seeing his friends would mean a lot to him, even if he couldn't allow himself to show it. Seeing Heero on the other hand ... Duo still had mixed feelings on the man. He couldn't tell when he looked into those deep-blue eyes whether or not he wanted to jump into his arms or stab him through the skull. It unnerved him how his emotions contrasted, but that persistent little voice in the back of his head kept warranting Heero as a threat.
He wasn't sure if he wanted to listen to that little voice anymore. As he analyzed it, that little voice hadn't awarded him any real comfort besides the temporary comfort of cutting: He had landed himself in this place, his friends had deserted him ...
Duo turned on his side again to face the door this time. A small crack of light filtered in from the dimly lit hallway. He could hear one of the female nurse's heels clicking against the polished floor and it soothed him somewhat. He felt his eyes droop as his brain began to give in to sleep.
He'd see what Sally could do about that voice in the morning. Maybe her opinion and her expertise really were worth listening to ...
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]
Heero clenched and unclenched his hands beneath the table, biting his lip as he tried his hardest to come up with a way to tell his friends the basics of what he was feeling and still keep some of it hidden. He wasn't the person who would readily spill their heart, even if it was to his close friends, and he was having troubles even admitting that he was feeling anything at all. He idly wondered if this was part of Duo's problem, but decided to brush it off - he didn't need to be adding more pain to the current situation by thinking of his braided love.
Quatre was watching him very carefully, the way his muscles were tensing, the small lines of frustration forming between his eyes - he knew Heero was trying to come up with a way to hide things from them. What made Heero think they wouldn't notice? Did he hope they wouldn't press the issue? Quatre began to have doubts; perhaps they should leave Heero be for the night, he had been through a lot ...
Trowa noticed his lover's inner struggle and laid a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. The barest hint of a smile, more of a quirking up of the ends of the lips, crossed his face and Quatre felt at ease. He loved how Trowa could make him feel so good. Quatre was assaulted suddenly by a flood of anger and hate, and was at first thrown back into a state of shock at the sudden influx of emotion in the room. At first, the blonde man couldn't tell where the emotions were coming from, but the soft sniffling noises from across the table dispelled any confusion in his mind.
Heero was crying.
The blonde Arabian rose from his seat to close his arms around his Asian friend as he sobbed harder. Quatre figured his presence had something to do with Heero's current emotions, due to the power of the emotion he had felt, but felt the most amazing urge to do anything he could to comfort his friend.
Heero felt angry and forlorn. He could see how happy his friends were together, how they enjoyed leaning on each other when they needed support. Even Wufei in his own quiet scholarly way was happy. Heero just felt alone. He felt like he was loving someone that may never be able to love him back. A flood of thoughts assaulted his mind: If Duo was pretending to love me to please the doctors, does that mean he doesn't care about me in that way at all? Would he just use me? Am I killing myself over someone who may very well be laughing at my frailty behind my back? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I have what my friends have? I've killed, I've sinned, I've lied and stolen - I'd done everything in that damn war. The same as the people here holding and comforting me. So why don't I deserve what they've found? Why don't I deserve to be normal? To be loved? To be happy?
The Japanese man sobbed harder as the other pilot's arms slipped silently around him in a comforting hug. No matter how much Heero pushed him away, one fact would always ring true: Heero's friends loved him and would do anything to help him in this most frail and angst-ridden time in his life.
[~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~]
*d abs eyes with kleenex*
That didn't end exactly has how I'd planned, but I think I like this ending better. I didn't really think Heero would be open to talking quite so soon. Crying - yes. Talking - no. ^_^;
Lemme know what you all think!