Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Numbness ❯ Chapter 1

"Just let me help," the young voice seemed to cry out in pain. Her love was going to die. And so was she.

"You don't understand. I don't want your help. There's too much pain in this world for me," the male voice seemed so strong compared to her own.

"No…please. Please, no, don't!" She watched him raise the gun to his head, but there was nothing she could do. Nothing. She got up and tried to grab it from him before he did it. "No! Don't!"

"Goodbye, Relena."

A shot rang out in the night, but it was muffled by the scream of terror that came from Relena's throat.

"HEERO! NOOOO!"

*********

`Why…why leave me in pain like this...?' She now held the teddy bear Heero had given her once. He had killed himself in front of her only a month before.

She couldn't feel him anymore. His soul and hers were ripped apart by that bullet that night. And since that night, she had gotten weaker and weaker. She was now bed ridden, which mattered nothing to her. If her brother saw her sitting up in bed, he'd probably have a heart attack.

But for the first time in a month, she got up and walked to her desk by the balcony and sat in the chair. Pulling a key from the teddy bear's ribbon and fur, she unlocked the desk drawer. Inside lay a clatter of things: small gifts, a diary, dried out flowers, and a letter.

She rested the bear on her lap and pulled the letter to the tabletop. She had read it a million times before, but never knew what it meant. She opened it and read through again, not able to hold back her tears.

Relena,

These feelings I have tell me it's over. I can't live on in such misery. You cannot help me, just make it worse. I love you. I know that now. But even that cannot save me. Promise me you won't do anything foolish. Promise me you'll go on…Earth needs you. I will only promise this last time. I promise I'll be waiting. Goodbye.

-Heero Yuy-

`Oh god…now I know why you tried to get me to go to bed early. You didn't want me to see. You didn't want me to go through with my promise. Even I can't live long enough to promote pacifism if I cannot have peace in myself.' She thought, brushing her tears from her face before they fell on the letter and smeared the ink.

Too late for the other pilots to see the letters he gave them. He gave them orders, she guessed, to keep her away from being killed and harming herself. He knew her too well. But some of the pilots, that were her friends, found too much strain with their `leader' dead.

Quatre had killed himself only a week after the incident in the garden. Trowa hadn't been the same since both of their deaths, but he went on…slowly with Catherine's worried looks. Duo dragged himself around, his laughter finally gone from his voice; Hilde worried about him a lot. Wufei seemed not to notice, but when she got a good look at him on guard duty in the main hall, she swore she saw a few tears slide down his cheek.

But now there were still 3 of the pilots left to keep her away from things that could harm herself and stay to protect her. But she didn't care; she was dead inside anyway. She hadn't gone to a meeting since Heero's death; there just wasn't any strength to hold herself up anymore.

Slowly she put away the letter and locked the desk drawer up again, slipping the key back into the fur behind the bear's head. She slowly got up and ventured into the hallway and down to the kitchen. Nodding to the nameless guard by her door as she passed.

`Another soldier by my door. I'd be safer if Trowa was there…or Heero…' Her eyes threatened to cry again, but she knew she had no tears left to cry today. All the moisture in her eyes had gone into the bear in her arms and her pillow.

Pulling out a glass of orange juice and sitting at the table and she finally noticed the distant Wufei but the stove. "Good morning," she said softly, knowing his temper and how they all felt, "What are you doing?"

"I thought you might be a hungry, onna. Here…I made you some eggs." After setting the eggs upon her plate along with a few slices of bacon, he went to go place the pan away and go back to guarding the main hall.

Wufei lately had been different. Still a spitfire or `injustice' and `weak onnas', but he was kinder. Yet, only a week ago he had broken off the engagement to a slight little thing named Kim Yatsumido. She had met her only once at a dinner party, and she seemed to make Wufei happy. Relena didn't know why he would break the engagement…then again; she had never read any of the Gundam pilots' letters from their friend.

She ate up the eggs and bacon slowly. Once done she placed the plate in the sink and slinked back to her room, finding Duo crying on her bed gave her a shock when she first opened the door.

"Relena…I…I need to talk to you."

"Sure…what is it Duo?" Sitting down next to him and laying a gentle arm around his shoulders, feeling his body shake with sobs he held back.

"I…I can't stand it any longer. Hilde is worried sick and I'm…I'm just so lost now a days. You've noticed haven't you…?" Duo looked over and she nodded her head before he went on. "How…how are you surviving so easily? How?!"

"I'm not. Duo…when I heard the gunshot go off…I felt part of me die and be ripped in two. If it wasn't for the orders he gave you…I would be dead right now. "She watched Duo nod and shake his head at the same time before she could brush away his tears.

"I have to go…there's…something I have to do. I'm sorry I bothered you `Lena." She watched him slowly slip out the door and run off, closing the door behind him.

`So much pain…just make it all go away.'

She then heard it. A loud boom and the entire ground seemed to shake. She rushed to the balcony, looking out just in time to see Deathscythe Hell get blown up at the nearby base.

`Duo…no. Not you too…' She watched as the flames took in the entire Gundam and it fell into a heap on the ground.

She tried to cry, she really did, but there was nothing left to give. She wandered back into the room, finding a slip of paper on her pillow. She opened it and read.

Lena,

I'm sorry I couldn't do as Heero told me to. There was too much pain in Hilde's and your eyes. Trowa nearly stabbed himself at last night's show. And Wuu-man…he's been planning on killing himself since a week after Heero's death. Tell Hilde I love her…and that my last thoughts were of her. Tell everyone I'm sorry. I just couldn't take it anymore.

Your friend,

Duo Maxwell

Whispering out, calling out the names that were dead of her friends she realized she was finally crying. Finally grieving. "Duo…Quatre…Sally…Heero…"The last one stun her eyes with tears. She could feel the tear in her soul where his soul was suppose to be.

She let out a scream and the officer outside came running with his gun held high. She just stared at him. Nothing. He wasn't a comfort. He wasn't Heero. He wasn't any of her friends.

"Vice Foreign Minister! Are you alright?! Why did you scream?!" The officer yelled. She hated that. She hated him. She hated Heero for causing so much pain. Yet…she loved him for giving her such happiness. She wanted to be whole again.

"Nothing! My friends are dying! I'm screaming in pain?! Can't you see that?!" She sobbed as the officer stared totally shocked. "Get out of here! NOW!"

He murmured a "yes, ma'am" before leaving and was on his way back out the door.

It was too much…too much. Relena got up; knowing what she was doing, and went to the bathroom. `Goodbye cruel world.' She thought as she closed the sound proof bathroom door and tightened her fist. She turned to the mirror and for the first time in weeks, looked at her reflection.

She was pale paper white, her eyes had lost their shine and twinkled they once held, she was skinnier, slightly shorter, and had blotches all over her skin. `God…look at me…hideous. But yet…I don't feel pain. It's time.'

She clenched her fist tighter; she remembered what Wufei had taught her when they had finally settled down in Sanq Kingdom. She let fly the fist into the mirror, aiming it to where the shards fell into the blocked up sink of hot water. Blood coated her fist; pain wracked her arm, she just ignored it. Determination was sure in her eyes. She rubbed at her opposite wrist, feeling slight pain from her thoughts.

Slipping her hand into the water and pulling out a silvery happiness she almost giggled. Making sure her footsteps her soft she turned the knob on the tub faucet to the hottest setting she could get then made sure the tool in her hands was sharp enough by cutting the tip of her finger, which she let bleed into the bath. `Perfect…It's all so…perfect.'

She set the glass shard on the tub side and got up, heading into her main chamber and then to the door, peeking out and speaking softly to the guard. "Excuse me…"

"Yes, Vice foreign Minister?"

`Changed guard…Good.' She thought.

"Yes, I'm going to take a long bath to calm my nerves, please don't let any one disturb me."

"Yes, ma'am. May I say you're looking better toda-" She cut off his compliment with a softly closed door. `Looking better? Hardly. Now I wont have to worry about anyone looking for me until morning.'

She walked to her desk and wrote a note to her brother and still living friends.

Dear friends,

By the time you get this…I'll be found dead. I just wanted you to know that I love you all. But I couldn't stand it any longer. My passion for pacifism died when I saw Heero's blood spilled on my hands and the garden patio. I know he wanted me to live on…but a few of us have already fallen too weak. I just wanted to leave some instructions before I left…

Miliardo: Go marry off Noin and she's pregnant. And please take my place.

Noin: secret's out. Don't have to act like we all can't see.

Hilde: Duo's last thoughts were of you…and yes, that was Deathscythe Hell being blow up. I'm so sorry.

Trowa: Please…live on. Cathy needs you. You need Cathy. Don't leave the world like we have.

Wufei: Please…cheer up. Don't threaten your life as well. Go back and ask Kim to forgive you. She'll make you happy. And I know you want to scream "injusitice!" but you wont. You love her.

As for everyone else…I'll miss you. This was the best possible way. Heero once told us all to "live by your emotions"…he died living by them. So did Duo, Quatre, Sally, and myself. I love you all. Please…forgive me.

Love,

Relena

She folded the letter and pressed the hot wet wax seal onto it before grabbing up her teddy bear and retreating to the restroom.

She opened the door and was met by the large amount of steam, coughing she closed the door and locked it. Tucking the letter under a loose piece of mirror and going to the tub where she undressed and picked up the glass in one hand and the bear in the other.

She pressed the pug into the drain and watched as the scalding hot water poured over her and over the white tub side. She was numb. Tucking the bear beneath her arm she leaned down, cutting both her ankles horridly and then cut her arms and wrists. Shakily she brought the glass to her face and cut her cheeks where her steaming tears spilled out of her eyes and fell into the water; her tears feeling like ice as she watched her blood spill into the water. `Finally…it's…cold…but yet numb.'

She dropped the glass into the tub between her legs and picked up the bear; staring into it's eyes. Murmuring to it.

"Heero…I'll be with you soon. I…love…you…"

Her eyes slid closed and the bear's soaking fur fell against her chest and dipped into the crimson water. Her body went limp and for the first time since his death…she was at peace.

Le Fin.