Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Wishful Thinking Book Two: All Boxed-Up ❯ Chapter 2

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing is not mine. No copyright infringement intended. I am not making money out of this. Original part of the fiction is the property and is copyrighted to the author.
Category: AU, shounen ai get-together fic
Rating: PG
Pairings: 1+2+1
WARNINGS: liberal usage of the f word, sappy poem and OOC-ness
Dedication: This is for Emmy-chan.

Title: Wishful Thinking, Book Two: All Boxed-Up (Chapter Two)
Author: AJ Maxwell ( webmaster@weluvduo.zzn.com )

I'm having difficulty sleeping tonight. Ever since I received the letter, and having Trowa's confirmation of whom it was from, I felt so...different.

I turn on my bedside lamp and slip the letter out from under my pillow. I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. It's from him. It's really from Duo! I feel foolish as I read the whole thing again and again, but I feel great...wait. "I must bid farewell to my muse--My ocean of creative juice---And this may sound silly, or corny, or both but..." No... "...But thank you for the poems." No, this can't be happening... "Good luck and goodbye."

"No..." The letter falls from my hands and lands on the floor. What happened? What had just happened? Why is this happening? Why didn't I realize it sooner? He's saying goodbye...but why? He says I'm his muse, that I've been his muse these past several years. There is a certain joy--exultation that I am feeling along with the dread of the fact that Duo just wrote me a farewell letter. I'm ecstatic, even if it's not really obvious in my face, to know that those poems, all those poems that I loved and kept in my box are all...have been...for me? "My ocean of creative juice...I'm his ocean of creative juice!" I gasp in awe as tears begin to sting the back of my eyes. I bite my lower lip in disbelief, and with all the emotions that are suddenly coursing through me like a tsunami. "I'm his fucking ocean of creative juice..." A sob escapes me. I hold it in quickly, covering my mouth with both hands. What did I miss? Has this thing been just under my nose all these years? Have I been so blind? Has he been sending me signals all along? Why didn't I notice? Why didn't I know?

I am starting to have a hard time breathing. Without my medicine my asthma really gives me trouble. I don't want my parents and all my siblings to come barging into my room at this time of the night--no I don't want them getting all concerned for me again. They've given me enough trouble with me playing basketball with their mother hen attitude. It's not that I'm not grateful. I am grateful for their concern, but they've been treating me like I'm some fucking fragile china doll...and haven't they noticed that I'm really trying my best to be normal? I just want to be one of the best...maybe even almost perfect just so people won't see me as weak and that my parents would just stop comparing me to my older brothers and sisters. I hate feeling weak and being compared. One of the things that I hate most is being pitied on because of my weaknesses.

I regulate my breathing and then take my medicine. I look at the letter on the floor one more time, thinking if I want to pick it up just yet.

Deciding to pick it up, I place it in its envelope and reach for my box. As I've said, it's where I keep all of Duo's poems--those that I could get my hands onto, that is. I bet he's got a lot of poems in that notebook I've always seen him writing on when he's sitting on one of those benches in the garden. Still, I don't really have just quite a few. I don't only cut the poems and articles that he had published in the school paper, but I also search for the poems that he'd used to enter to poetry contests on the internet. How did I know that he joins poetry contests? The school broadcasts it to the whole student body with their congratulatory assemblies for him. I also photocopied those poems that he wrote whenever he won (he's never lost a contest), sneaking the poem from the bulletin board for just a few minutes to get it photocopied. I nearly got into trouble one time, but Trowa backed me up. As for Trowa backing me up, I also benefited several poems from Trowa who is friends with Quatre.

You think I'm obsessed? Maybe I am. Now that I know that Duo had been writing those poems because of me, then I don't think it's appropriate for me to say that I sometimes dream that he writes his poems for me anymore; that whenever I read his poems, I feel like he's just in front of me, talking to me...

~Lovely, fragrant rose
Disturbing in your beauty, in your poetic darkness
Your shadows add greatly to your intense splendor
You leave me gasping for breath, as I blindly reach out
Oh, so drawn to your velvety petals, to the mists that drop from your lips--
I reach out to hold you in my arms, and feel the sharpness of
Your thousands of hideous thorns, like bandits, concealed in your fresh leaves.

I suddenly remembered a line from a book I read,
'To love you is to feel your pain'
Your thorns piercing my mortal flesh, I wince,
And feel the agony you feel inside, but I am glad
For I share the anguish in your heart--
You are the love I never had.

Blinded by the shadows of your being, something suddenly sprang to mind,
'To love you is to see what is beheld by your eyes'
And from the murkiness of my sight, I now know;
This is your world, this is what you see
Your world: sad, empty, black
I feel your thorns scraping my insides, and though nearly crying out in pain,
There's a smile on my lips...I now know you,
The love I never had.

Exquisite dark rose, do you feel your burden lighten,
Do you feel my joy in lifting your load,
Do you see the light in my eyes when I look at you,
And hear my laughter amidst the pouring rain
I've swept the thick clouds away--do you feel any warmth?

Have you peered into my world
Of sunshine, chocolates, blue heavens,
Delightful spring days and summer nights that never run out of iced tea,
Soft pillows beneath your head, and teddy bears all around?

Have you seen my world, have you seen me?
Have you known me, is there a smile on your lips?
Have you learned to love me--do you feel my pain?
Am I the love you never had?~

...like he knows every secret of my soul. Whenever I read this, it touches something inside me that I can't understand, and it feels like a weight is lifted off me.

I turn off the lamp and keep my box close to me. Yes, Duo. I'd really love to peer into your world "Of sunshine, chocolates, blue heavens," I whisper, from my heart's memory, "'delightful spring days and summer nights that never run out of iced tea'...I'd love to, Duo, and I don't want to say goodbye."

No. I won't say goodbye. Duo and I are going to talk tomorrow, on graduation day.

. t o b e c o n t i n u e d .