Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Coven of the Rose ❯ Chapter 03 ( Chapter 3 )
[ A - All Readers ]
By: CRose 
Non Anime: Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Comedy | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 08.26.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 3.7K | Visits: 2.7K | Status: Completed
Non Anime: Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Adventure / Comedy | Type: Divergence | Uploaded On: 08.26.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 3.7K | Visits: 2.7K | Status: Completed
DO NOT IN ANY WAY TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE AND CAUSE SQUIRLS TO SPONTIANIOUSLY CUMBUST.
This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.
oooooooooo
Coven of the Rose
Chapter 03
By CRose
© 2006
oooooooooo
Eyes gleaming, Harry tiptoed from shadow to shadow. He was visiting Surry and had decided that while he was here, he would stop in at his relatives. They of course didn't need to know that he was there, but he would stop by anyway. His green stood out among the boring bushes and sidewalks along Privet Drive, but he didn't mind. It was three in the morning after all.
Number four looked the way it always had, except the lawn was going to seed and the garden was in horrible shape. After two years of neglect, Harry had to wince at how bad it looked. He stared at it mournfully for several seconds before he pulled his wand and whispered a spell. A burst of green light fired out, hit the grass at his feet, and started moving across the yard.
The garden got a blue and pink spell that danced among the sad looking flowers. Harry figured that even after all this time Dudley still didn't do any chores. He wondered if his whale sized cousin was any bigger. Of course, after tonight, they wouldn't have to worry about that kind of thing anymore.
He snickered a little as he moved up to the door. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted one of the neighbors, nose little darlings, peaking out of a window. He gave her a wave and the curtain jerked back into place.
With a flick of his wand the front door opened silently, swinging inward. Stepping into the house, Harry looked around and sighed to himself. The house was in rather bad shape and starting to show signs of wear and tear. Harry recalled that a little over two years ago he had found out that the Dursley's recieved money straight from his vault to take care of him.
At the time he had cut them off and had them sued, but Dumbledore had blocked the law suit. Harry agreed because he still trusted the old bastard. Tonight that would change though. His training for the last several months, as well as the extended vacation, allowed him to forget the Dursley's existed. Now it was their time to pay.
Holding his wand out, it quickly started to expand into his staff. Once formed, he cast a quickly sleeping spell over the entire house. He started as a loud snore suddenly seemed to reverberate down the stairs. It sounded like Uncle Vernon was being as crass as normal.
Pointing his staff at various areas of the front room he started casting several dozen spells. The furniture slowly cleaned itself up and looked as new as the day he lugged it through the front door without any help. The dusty floorboards polished themselves to a shiny sheen, almost mirror like. Once the front room was done, Harry stopped at a door near the kitchen, the door that he had never opened.
The basement door. The one time he asked about it Vernon had beaten him unconscious, locked him in the cupboard for three weeks, and forgotten to feed him. Tapping the door with the staff opened it instantly. One light spell later and he could see the stairs leading down.
Harry descended the stairs and saw that it was just like he thought, a place to store Dursley's junk. More of Dudley's broken toys, though the more expensive junk like a couple of computers that looked like someone took a bat to them. Then he spun around as he heard something moving.
Scanning over the junk, he spotted something lost in the corner covered by a thick dusty blanket. Whatever was below it was shaking around trying to get is attention. One spell later and all the room was rearranged enough for him to walk over to the thing.
He could sense quite a bit of magic pouring off the shrouded object. The blanket came off easily enough and revealed a trunk, a Hogwarts trunk. Levitating the trunk out into the open, he sat it at the base of the stairs. The instant he touched it the lid sprang open. Several moths sprang into the air and made a run for it.
There were several Hogwarts robes on top. He pulled those out and sat them to the side and noted that they were a few sizes to small for him. After that he pulled out a pile of lingerie and had to take a few seconds to look at the black panties. "Someone cut the crotch out of these things."
After that he sat such items to the side and wondered who the trunk belonged to. Now he knew who he suspected, but he wanted actual proof before he could be properly embarrassed about handling such items. The trunk also contained seventh year books and a DADA course book he hadn't heard of before.
"Hmm…How to Kick Ass and Look Good Doing it." Harry marveled at some of the weird names Wizards came up with for their books. He shrunk that one down and put it in his pocket. "Ah, here we go." He muttered as he pulled a diary out of the trunk.
He could detect a couple dozen charms on the book, so he didn't open it. Still, countering them would be fun, but he smirked as he read the name on the spine of the book. "Lily Evans-Potter"
"Just as I thought." It only took him a minute to put everything back in the trunk, except the book, and shut the lid. He shrank it down and put it in his pocket. A quick check of the basement didn't reveal anymore magical items, so he headed back up stairs. His eyes started twinkling again as he entered the kitchen.
He transfigured a chair into a metal stand, reached into an inner pocket of his robe, and pulled out a small tan colored ball and returned it to normal size. The sphere was filled with some kind of white substance. He gave it a shake to loose it up a bit and smirked. Setting it on the stand, he tapped it with his staff and watched as the substance started to slowly bubble up inside the sphere.
It would be a few minutes before his little present went off. So he headed upstairs and fired several spells on the walls. Didn't want to damage them after all. The door to Dudley's second bedroom opened easily though and he took a little peak. His cousin was snoring and at least a hundred pounds heavier than the last time he saw him.
Harry started to snicker as he backed out of the room. Just as he was about to walk away his conscious kicked him in the nuts. Groaning and muttering under his breath, he turned back and hit Dudley with a spell, stepped into the next room, and got Vernon and Petunia as well. Once he as done, he conjured some ice and limped down the stairs.
His conscious took a more active role in his life these days. His little gift was percolating nicely, so he stepped out side, and made sure the door was locked. Who knew what kind of miscreant would be around Surrey at this time of night. Just as he was about to leave, he thumped his forehead and dispelled his sleeping charm.
He didn’t them to sleep through his little gift after all. A sound caught his attention and he looked down at the ground, where one of Mrs. Figg's cats was sniffing his ankle. For a second Harry thought the cat was going to piss on him, but then it turned around and headed home.
There was no way he could allow that. A beam of energy fired from his staff and hit the cat. It gave off an unholy noise and raced out of the area trailing sparks. Nodding at a job well down, Harry vanished without a sound, though he still managed to stun a nearby squirrel. One of these days he would realize that he was using to much magic to apperated, but until then, he would be the bane of all small animals that hid in trees.
oooooooooo
"Any luck yet?" Kingsley asked in a very tired voice.
The mediwitch sighed, took the mask off her face and shook her head. "I have no idea what he did to them."
The after effects of Harry Potter's visit to the Ministry was still being felt after three days. At first non one had really noticed anything wrong, but that quickly changed the next day. The walls of the entrance hall seemed to be growing, he shuddered, tons of hair. These course little hairs that were impossible to identify, though someone suggested they might be from a fly. If that wasn't bad enough, the fountain where stone statures of a Goblin, House Elf, and a Centaur periodically broke out in knock knock jokes about how dumb humans were.
The Weasley Twins had stopped by to take notes and giggle a lot. By now Harry's attack was running in every paper around the world. The twins were delighted to say the least. They didn't seem to care that Harry was a criminal, just that he appeared to be pranking the whole world.
The Department of Mysteries even had a group of men examining all the different forms of magic Potter used for his prank and they were stumped. They identified three different forms of lost magic that hadn't been seen since Merlin's time and they couldn’t figure out how the boy was pulling it off. He hadn't even finished his seventh year at Hogwarts.
"Do you have any clue about the prisoners at all?" He asked.
"I'm sorry, but the magic Potter used on them is so obscure that I can't identify it." She explained.
"The staff that runs the holding cells has threatened to quit."
"Even my mask didn't help." The witch admitted as she gagged a bit.
Every Death Eater turned over to the Ministry by Potter seemed to be afflicted with a flatulence curse, a Sonorous Charm, and something that amplified the smell. The walls in the cells were already turning rather putrid colors and Death Eaters were begging for death. They couldn’t even interrogate the poor fools.
If that wasn't bad enough, Fudge seemed to be the only wizard in the Ministry that couldn’t smell them. He kept blustering and yelling at people to do their jobs. Three Aurors had already been fired for failing to stay in the cells for longer than five minutes.
Fudge didn't even seem to notice that he had grown black and white fur, a tail with a rather distinctive pattern, and smelled worse than the Death Eaters. Harry Potter's revenge on the world was just starting and Kingsley feared what would happen next.
Suddenly a little swirl of magic appeared over the desk and something fell through. Once the magic was gone, he pulled his wand and tapped what looked like a badge. The mediwitch raced out of the room before he could tell her to leave. Nodding, he slowly picked up the badge, fearing that another prank was about to be set off.
Nothing happened.
Frowning, he held up the badge. "Potter Stinks?" He read and wondered what the hell this thing was. Suddenly an alarm went off. He was so distracted that it took him a few seconds to recognize it. Someone had just set off a large amount of magic in the muggle world.
Teams of Ovliviators started racing for the briefing rooms. Several minutes later he paled as he found himself looking at a house. A house filled to rafters with some white substance pouring from all the windows around the house, covering the lawn. The area was familiar and after glancing around for a second he paled as he realized that this was the Dursley house.
"Oh shit."
He started yelling orders to the various groups to make sure they would be careful. Everyone started looking around in fear as they suddenly understood that Harry Potter used to live in the house. Kingsley gulped as he raced over to Author Weasley, who was examining the white stuff covering the lawn. "Any idea what it is?"
Author shook his head. "Not a clue, but it's a paste of some kind that hardens after a few minutes. It also smells rather good, like a candy."
"Something Muggle?"
"I believe so."
"Kingsley!"
"What is it Tonks?"
The young Auror gulped as she pointed to the back yard. We have a problem brewing back there."
He paled a little more. How could even Potter pull something that would stump the entire Ministry. "Do I even want to know?"
"Well, we found His relatives." Tonks stressed to her boss.
"What did he do to them?" He asked as everyone started to head towards the back of the house.
Seconds later he just started staring as a rather large baboon with a mustache fight with four of his Aurors, tossing them around and screaming at the top of his lungs. "That would be Vernon Dursley wouldn't it?"
Tonks nodded and grinned. "Yep, and over there is little Dudley."
Hanging out of a large hole in wall where a window used to be was Killer Whale. It was wiggling around and appeared to be crying for its mother. Someone had painted Weight Watchers and a phone number on his head. "Why isn't Potter killing anyone. That I could understand, but this is just torture."
"Well sir, Harry has never really gone out of his way to kill anyone. The idea is alien to him. Even at their worst, Harry never wanted to kill the Dursleys even when any of us would have. It's not in his nature."
"Then what's he doing?"
"He's making some of the greatest jokes…"
"…we've ever had the pleasure to see!" Fred and George Weasley yelled.
"When did you two arrive?" Kingsley sighed.
"Dumbledore sent us. He said the ward he put around the house that would capture Harry went off." Fred explained.
That perked Kingsley up. "So Potter is captured, let's go have…"
"I'm afraid not." George said.
"Oh?" Kingsley wasn't surprised anymore.
"The Headmaster isn't a very…"
"…happy Wizard right now." They grinned.
"Why?"
"All of Mrs. Figgs cats…
"…enlarged to the size of lions…
"…appeared in his office, freaked out…
"…and tore the place apart!" The twins yelled and started snickering.
"The cats left the office, raced through the school…"
"…and are not sleeping and shedding hair all over the Slytherin Common room."
"Thank you for that report." Kingsley said. He needed a headache potion. "Anything else to report?"
Fred nodded. "Dad asked Hermione to stop by."
"I thought she quit the order?"
"She did." George confirmed. "But just the order, she still stops by the Burrow and the shop all the time."
"Ah."
They all heard a small pop as Hermione arrived and could only gape at the scene. "Oh my God!"
The twins started chuckling again. A screaming Baboon raced across the back yard dodging and weaving stunning spells, throwing gobs of white stuff at the Aurors. Hermione could only star at the chaos around and knew that Harry was behind every bit of it.
"Hermione, you aren’t part of the order anymore. You shouldn’t be here." Kingsley said.
"Harry is my friend. I disagreed with Dumbledore's plan from the beginning but I was ignored. Now all of you are reaping your punishment for trying to condemn him to hell to take down Riddle."
"That may be, but you…"
"Anyway, it looks like you need my help." Hermione stated. "What's all this white stuff anyway, it's starting to fill the yard. Pretty soon it'll reach the fence."
"We don't know." Author said from behind her. "I can't identify it."
Hermione walked over to some and poked at it with her wand, gave it a sniff, and licked her wand clean. She started giggling. "I'm not surprised you haven't come across this stuff before. It's a muggle food used in Oreo Cookies. I've never seen this much in one place before."
"You mean it's edible?"
The bushy haired girl nodded and took a little more to nibble on. "Really fattening though."
A random Auror, covered in white stuff, came over and pointed towards a house down the block. "I think we found Mrs. Dursley."
They all turned to gape at a full sized Giraffe eating the top portions of a tree. The thing actually bore quite a resemblance to Harry's Aunt. It's eyes were a little glassy, as if it was trying to ignore everything going on around her.
The twins broke down laughing at the Leaky Cauldron advertisement hanging off her sides.
oooooooooo
"…and that's everything that's happened since early this morning sir." Kingsley said.
A rather harried looking Dumbledore looked as if he had aged to his true age in the last few hours. Giant cats running through the castle, his office destroyed, the Slytherin common room would take weeks to clean out after all those cats used it as a litter box. "You say Harry turned his relatives into animals?"
"Yes sir, and filled their house and yard with this white stuff used in cookies."
"Anything else?" The old man asked.
"Um, Fudge has completely transformed into a humanoid skunk and every time he opens his mouth he, um…sprays."
"Go on." The weary voice said.
"The captured Death Eaters have now started to fill with air before they fart, making them look like large inflatable balloons. The smell is so bad that half the ministry employees have refused to come back to work. The Death Eaters are begging for death, but we can't get anywhere close to them to even do that."
"I sense more."
"Ah, well the twins have decided to start marketing scaled down versions of Harry's jokes…"
"Oh god, there's more?" Albus was starting to wonder why he got out of bed this morning.
Kingsley gulped. "Um, well the twins have placed a life like Harry Potter sign in their store after everything that happened this morning. They're calling the sign, Prank Lord Potter."
If he hadn't been Albus Dumbledore and a reputation to maintain, he would have spent the next few minutes banging his head against the wall. Where had all his perfect plans to take down Voldemort gone? Why couldn’t one stupid little boy do as he was told? Was it to much to ask?
"Um…"
"What?"
"Mrs. Figg wants her cats back in one piece or she says you'll be sorry you ever crossed her."
oooooooooo
To be Continued…
Notes: Eight months of access to some of the rarest magic volumes in the world and Harry is using the knowledge to prank everyone that ever wronged him. That's a hell of a list and Dumbledore's punishment hasn't even begun yet.
I had a completely different chapter written up for this originally, but it was some of the worst stuff I've ever written, it was that bad. Had Harry burning Knockturn ally to the ground and casting an illusion of Umbridge prostrating herself naked above the flames. I'm glad I cut the chapter, some of my worst work. I won't comment on the House elves doing the can can, gay porn, or Avery and sheep.
Er…right.
This is my version of a Harry Potter revenge fic, but after a couple of years in Azkaban he's not quite sane anymore. He has some sanity left, but it doesn't really affect him anymore.
oooooooooo
Coven of the Rose
Chapter 03
By CRose
© 2006
oooooooooo
Eyes gleaming, Harry tiptoed from shadow to shadow. He was visiting Surry and had decided that while he was here, he would stop in at his relatives. They of course didn't need to know that he was there, but he would stop by anyway. His green stood out among the boring bushes and sidewalks along Privet Drive, but he didn't mind. It was three in the morning after all.
Number four looked the way it always had, except the lawn was going to seed and the garden was in horrible shape. After two years of neglect, Harry had to wince at how bad it looked. He stared at it mournfully for several seconds before he pulled his wand and whispered a spell. A burst of green light fired out, hit the grass at his feet, and started moving across the yard.
The garden got a blue and pink spell that danced among the sad looking flowers. Harry figured that even after all this time Dudley still didn't do any chores. He wondered if his whale sized cousin was any bigger. Of course, after tonight, they wouldn't have to worry about that kind of thing anymore.
He snickered a little as he moved up to the door. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted one of the neighbors, nose little darlings, peaking out of a window. He gave her a wave and the curtain jerked back into place.
With a flick of his wand the front door opened silently, swinging inward. Stepping into the house, Harry looked around and sighed to himself. The house was in rather bad shape and starting to show signs of wear and tear. Harry recalled that a little over two years ago he had found out that the Dursley's recieved money straight from his vault to take care of him.
At the time he had cut them off and had them sued, but Dumbledore had blocked the law suit. Harry agreed because he still trusted the old bastard. Tonight that would change though. His training for the last several months, as well as the extended vacation, allowed him to forget the Dursley's existed. Now it was their time to pay.
Holding his wand out, it quickly started to expand into his staff. Once formed, he cast a quickly sleeping spell over the entire house. He started as a loud snore suddenly seemed to reverberate down the stairs. It sounded like Uncle Vernon was being as crass as normal.
Pointing his staff at various areas of the front room he started casting several dozen spells. The furniture slowly cleaned itself up and looked as new as the day he lugged it through the front door without any help. The dusty floorboards polished themselves to a shiny sheen, almost mirror like. Once the front room was done, Harry stopped at a door near the kitchen, the door that he had never opened.
The basement door. The one time he asked about it Vernon had beaten him unconscious, locked him in the cupboard for three weeks, and forgotten to feed him. Tapping the door with the staff opened it instantly. One light spell later and he could see the stairs leading down.
Harry descended the stairs and saw that it was just like he thought, a place to store Dursley's junk. More of Dudley's broken toys, though the more expensive junk like a couple of computers that looked like someone took a bat to them. Then he spun around as he heard something moving.
Scanning over the junk, he spotted something lost in the corner covered by a thick dusty blanket. Whatever was below it was shaking around trying to get is attention. One spell later and all the room was rearranged enough for him to walk over to the thing.
He could sense quite a bit of magic pouring off the shrouded object. The blanket came off easily enough and revealed a trunk, a Hogwarts trunk. Levitating the trunk out into the open, he sat it at the base of the stairs. The instant he touched it the lid sprang open. Several moths sprang into the air and made a run for it.
There were several Hogwarts robes on top. He pulled those out and sat them to the side and noted that they were a few sizes to small for him. After that he pulled out a pile of lingerie and had to take a few seconds to look at the black panties. "Someone cut the crotch out of these things."
After that he sat such items to the side and wondered who the trunk belonged to. Now he knew who he suspected, but he wanted actual proof before he could be properly embarrassed about handling such items. The trunk also contained seventh year books and a DADA course book he hadn't heard of before.
"Hmm…How to Kick Ass and Look Good Doing it." Harry marveled at some of the weird names Wizards came up with for their books. He shrunk that one down and put it in his pocket. "Ah, here we go." He muttered as he pulled a diary out of the trunk.
He could detect a couple dozen charms on the book, so he didn't open it. Still, countering them would be fun, but he smirked as he read the name on the spine of the book. "Lily Evans-Potter"
"Just as I thought." It only took him a minute to put everything back in the trunk, except the book, and shut the lid. He shrank it down and put it in his pocket. A quick check of the basement didn't reveal anymore magical items, so he headed back up stairs. His eyes started twinkling again as he entered the kitchen.
He transfigured a chair into a metal stand, reached into an inner pocket of his robe, and pulled out a small tan colored ball and returned it to normal size. The sphere was filled with some kind of white substance. He gave it a shake to loose it up a bit and smirked. Setting it on the stand, he tapped it with his staff and watched as the substance started to slowly bubble up inside the sphere.
It would be a few minutes before his little present went off. So he headed upstairs and fired several spells on the walls. Didn't want to damage them after all. The door to Dudley's second bedroom opened easily though and he took a little peak. His cousin was snoring and at least a hundred pounds heavier than the last time he saw him.
Harry started to snicker as he backed out of the room. Just as he was about to walk away his conscious kicked him in the nuts. Groaning and muttering under his breath, he turned back and hit Dudley with a spell, stepped into the next room, and got Vernon and Petunia as well. Once he as done, he conjured some ice and limped down the stairs.
His conscious took a more active role in his life these days. His little gift was percolating nicely, so he stepped out side, and made sure the door was locked. Who knew what kind of miscreant would be around Surrey at this time of night. Just as he was about to leave, he thumped his forehead and dispelled his sleeping charm.
He didn’t them to sleep through his little gift after all. A sound caught his attention and he looked down at the ground, where one of Mrs. Figg's cats was sniffing his ankle. For a second Harry thought the cat was going to piss on him, but then it turned around and headed home.
There was no way he could allow that. A beam of energy fired from his staff and hit the cat. It gave off an unholy noise and raced out of the area trailing sparks. Nodding at a job well down, Harry vanished without a sound, though he still managed to stun a nearby squirrel. One of these days he would realize that he was using to much magic to apperated, but until then, he would be the bane of all small animals that hid in trees.
oooooooooo
"Any luck yet?" Kingsley asked in a very tired voice.
The mediwitch sighed, took the mask off her face and shook her head. "I have no idea what he did to them."
The after effects of Harry Potter's visit to the Ministry was still being felt after three days. At first non one had really noticed anything wrong, but that quickly changed the next day. The walls of the entrance hall seemed to be growing, he shuddered, tons of hair. These course little hairs that were impossible to identify, though someone suggested they might be from a fly. If that wasn't bad enough, the fountain where stone statures of a Goblin, House Elf, and a Centaur periodically broke out in knock knock jokes about how dumb humans were.
The Weasley Twins had stopped by to take notes and giggle a lot. By now Harry's attack was running in every paper around the world. The twins were delighted to say the least. They didn't seem to care that Harry was a criminal, just that he appeared to be pranking the whole world.
The Department of Mysteries even had a group of men examining all the different forms of magic Potter used for his prank and they were stumped. They identified three different forms of lost magic that hadn't been seen since Merlin's time and they couldn’t figure out how the boy was pulling it off. He hadn't even finished his seventh year at Hogwarts.
"Do you have any clue about the prisoners at all?" He asked.
"I'm sorry, but the magic Potter used on them is so obscure that I can't identify it." She explained.
"The staff that runs the holding cells has threatened to quit."
"Even my mask didn't help." The witch admitted as she gagged a bit.
Every Death Eater turned over to the Ministry by Potter seemed to be afflicted with a flatulence curse, a Sonorous Charm, and something that amplified the smell. The walls in the cells were already turning rather putrid colors and Death Eaters were begging for death. They couldn’t even interrogate the poor fools.
If that wasn't bad enough, Fudge seemed to be the only wizard in the Ministry that couldn’t smell them. He kept blustering and yelling at people to do their jobs. Three Aurors had already been fired for failing to stay in the cells for longer than five minutes.
Fudge didn't even seem to notice that he had grown black and white fur, a tail with a rather distinctive pattern, and smelled worse than the Death Eaters. Harry Potter's revenge on the world was just starting and Kingsley feared what would happen next.
Suddenly a little swirl of magic appeared over the desk and something fell through. Once the magic was gone, he pulled his wand and tapped what looked like a badge. The mediwitch raced out of the room before he could tell her to leave. Nodding, he slowly picked up the badge, fearing that another prank was about to be set off.
Nothing happened.
Frowning, he held up the badge. "Potter Stinks?" He read and wondered what the hell this thing was. Suddenly an alarm went off. He was so distracted that it took him a few seconds to recognize it. Someone had just set off a large amount of magic in the muggle world.
Teams of Ovliviators started racing for the briefing rooms. Several minutes later he paled as he found himself looking at a house. A house filled to rafters with some white substance pouring from all the windows around the house, covering the lawn. The area was familiar and after glancing around for a second he paled as he realized that this was the Dursley house.
"Oh shit."
He started yelling orders to the various groups to make sure they would be careful. Everyone started looking around in fear as they suddenly understood that Harry Potter used to live in the house. Kingsley gulped as he raced over to Author Weasley, who was examining the white stuff covering the lawn. "Any idea what it is?"
Author shook his head. "Not a clue, but it's a paste of some kind that hardens after a few minutes. It also smells rather good, like a candy."
"Something Muggle?"
"I believe so."
"Kingsley!"
"What is it Tonks?"
The young Auror gulped as she pointed to the back yard. We have a problem brewing back there."
He paled a little more. How could even Potter pull something that would stump the entire Ministry. "Do I even want to know?"
"Well, we found His relatives." Tonks stressed to her boss.
"What did he do to them?" He asked as everyone started to head towards the back of the house.
Seconds later he just started staring as a rather large baboon with a mustache fight with four of his Aurors, tossing them around and screaming at the top of his lungs. "That would be Vernon Dursley wouldn't it?"
Tonks nodded and grinned. "Yep, and over there is little Dudley."
Hanging out of a large hole in wall where a window used to be was Killer Whale. It was wiggling around and appeared to be crying for its mother. Someone had painted Weight Watchers and a phone number on his head. "Why isn't Potter killing anyone. That I could understand, but this is just torture."
"Well sir, Harry has never really gone out of his way to kill anyone. The idea is alien to him. Even at their worst, Harry never wanted to kill the Dursleys even when any of us would have. It's not in his nature."
"Then what's he doing?"
"He's making some of the greatest jokes…"
"…we've ever had the pleasure to see!" Fred and George Weasley yelled.
"When did you two arrive?" Kingsley sighed.
"Dumbledore sent us. He said the ward he put around the house that would capture Harry went off." Fred explained.
That perked Kingsley up. "So Potter is captured, let's go have…"
"I'm afraid not." George said.
"Oh?" Kingsley wasn't surprised anymore.
"The Headmaster isn't a very…"
"…happy Wizard right now." They grinned.
"Why?"
"All of Mrs. Figgs cats…
"…enlarged to the size of lions…
"…appeared in his office, freaked out…
"…and tore the place apart!" The twins yelled and started snickering.
"The cats left the office, raced through the school…"
"…and are not sleeping and shedding hair all over the Slytherin Common room."
"Thank you for that report." Kingsley said. He needed a headache potion. "Anything else to report?"
Fred nodded. "Dad asked Hermione to stop by."
"I thought she quit the order?"
"She did." George confirmed. "But just the order, she still stops by the Burrow and the shop all the time."
"Ah."
They all heard a small pop as Hermione arrived and could only gape at the scene. "Oh my God!"
The twins started chuckling again. A screaming Baboon raced across the back yard dodging and weaving stunning spells, throwing gobs of white stuff at the Aurors. Hermione could only star at the chaos around and knew that Harry was behind every bit of it.
"Hermione, you aren’t part of the order anymore. You shouldn’t be here." Kingsley said.
"Harry is my friend. I disagreed with Dumbledore's plan from the beginning but I was ignored. Now all of you are reaping your punishment for trying to condemn him to hell to take down Riddle."
"That may be, but you…"
"Anyway, it looks like you need my help." Hermione stated. "What's all this white stuff anyway, it's starting to fill the yard. Pretty soon it'll reach the fence."
"We don't know." Author said from behind her. "I can't identify it."
Hermione walked over to some and poked at it with her wand, gave it a sniff, and licked her wand clean. She started giggling. "I'm not surprised you haven't come across this stuff before. It's a muggle food used in Oreo Cookies. I've never seen this much in one place before."
"You mean it's edible?"
The bushy haired girl nodded and took a little more to nibble on. "Really fattening though."
A random Auror, covered in white stuff, came over and pointed towards a house down the block. "I think we found Mrs. Dursley."
They all turned to gape at a full sized Giraffe eating the top portions of a tree. The thing actually bore quite a resemblance to Harry's Aunt. It's eyes were a little glassy, as if it was trying to ignore everything going on around her.
The twins broke down laughing at the Leaky Cauldron advertisement hanging off her sides.
oooooooooo
"…and that's everything that's happened since early this morning sir." Kingsley said.
A rather harried looking Dumbledore looked as if he had aged to his true age in the last few hours. Giant cats running through the castle, his office destroyed, the Slytherin common room would take weeks to clean out after all those cats used it as a litter box. "You say Harry turned his relatives into animals?"
"Yes sir, and filled their house and yard with this white stuff used in cookies."
"Anything else?" The old man asked.
"Um, Fudge has completely transformed into a humanoid skunk and every time he opens his mouth he, um…sprays."
"Go on." The weary voice said.
"The captured Death Eaters have now started to fill with air before they fart, making them look like large inflatable balloons. The smell is so bad that half the ministry employees have refused to come back to work. The Death Eaters are begging for death, but we can't get anywhere close to them to even do that."
"I sense more."
"Ah, well the twins have decided to start marketing scaled down versions of Harry's jokes…"
"Oh god, there's more?" Albus was starting to wonder why he got out of bed this morning.
Kingsley gulped. "Um, well the twins have placed a life like Harry Potter sign in their store after everything that happened this morning. They're calling the sign, Prank Lord Potter."
If he hadn't been Albus Dumbledore and a reputation to maintain, he would have spent the next few minutes banging his head against the wall. Where had all his perfect plans to take down Voldemort gone? Why couldn’t one stupid little boy do as he was told? Was it to much to ask?
"Um…"
"What?"
"Mrs. Figg wants her cats back in one piece or she says you'll be sorry you ever crossed her."
oooooooooo
To be Continued…
Notes: Eight months of access to some of the rarest magic volumes in the world and Harry is using the knowledge to prank everyone that ever wronged him. That's a hell of a list and Dumbledore's punishment hasn't even begun yet.
I had a completely different chapter written up for this originally, but it was some of the worst stuff I've ever written, it was that bad. Had Harry burning Knockturn ally to the ground and casting an illusion of Umbridge prostrating herself naked above the flames. I'm glad I cut the chapter, some of my worst work. I won't comment on the House elves doing the can can, gay porn, or Avery and sheep.
Er…right.