Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Fatherhood ❯ Fatherhood ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer:

 

I don't own Harry Potter - he and everybody else mentioned in this story belong to J. K. Rowling.

 

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Fatherhood

 

 

“I am your father, Harry.“

 

“Say what!?!“

 

“I. Am. Your. Father. Has your rudimentary brain capacity regressed so much that even such elementary vocabulary is beyond your reasoning?”

 

“… Have you, by any chance, watched too many muggle movies lately?”

 

“Of what relevance is this?”

 

“'I am your father!'”

 

“I truly did not think that your cerebral activities approximated a flat line, Mr. Potter. Clearly, you have managed to astound me once again through refraining to grasp even most simplistic concepts. I am your father, not you mine.”

 

“You could lay off with the insults a bit, I'm not completely daft. I know that I'm not your father! I mean, `I am your father, Harry!'. Couldn't you have stolen a less offensive quote from Star Wars?”

 

“Is that supposed to be a reference to your so-called `movies'? Rest assured Mr. Potter, I do not indulge in such foul pastime. Muggle entertainment does not hold any value whatsoever.”

 

“… Racist jerk. So, how come you are telling me now that you're my father? Just last month, you told me that you were madly, utterly beyond reasonably in love with me. I don't think that what's been happening between us two is anywhere near `paternal' unless you've got a very, very sick mind!”

 

“I assure you my objection to such mundane entertainment does not originate from any residual pure-blood notions that I might have supported during my early years. I merely do not see any reason for prematurely deadening my brain cells by allowing such utter nonsense to waste time and clutter space.”

 

“Yes, yes, alright, I get it. You've never watched Star Wars, and you don't like movies in general. Now, what about that relationship between us? The one that is kind of far from `paternal'?”

 

“I am your father.”

 

“You already said so. Does that mean that you're calling it off again, or do you merely have a kink for incest?”

 

“… `Kink for incest'? Mr. Potter, I assure you that I do not intend to participate in such depravities.”

 

“What's it with that `Mr. Potter'-crap all of a sudden? I thought you agreed to call me `Harry'. And, if I'm your son, shouldn't that be `Snape' rather than `Potter', anyways?”

 

“As you wish, Mr. Snape. Since I am unwilling to copulate with my own off-spring, our relationship will have to become less carnal.”

 

“Oh, now you want to keep having a relationship? Just `less carnal'? That's great. Excellent. Then what about that proclamation of undying love last week? That you'd never leave my side? That we'd always be together? Tell you what, Snape, you're a father.”

 

“I am not going to leave you, and I do still feel … affection for you. Our common activities will merely have to be reduced to an acceptable level. And yes, I am aware that you are my son. That is what I have been attempting to impart to you.”

 

“No, no, no. You don't understand. You. Are a father. And me, too. Or mother. Or whatever you want to call it.”

 

“-Sigh-. What did you do now, Potter?”

 

“We're back to `Potter'? I thought, since I'm supposed to be your son, it was `Snape'? And that's your fault as well.”

 

“Force of habit. Now explain your scatter-brained ramblings.”

 

“You. Are. A. Father. Or has your rudimentary brain capacity regressed so much that even such elementary vocabulary is beyond your reasoning?”

 

“Do not twist my own words against me, Potter -“

 

“Snape!”

 

“ - Harry!”

 

“We're on first names again? Well, Severus, then let me explain. Since you've missed out on all of my baby years, you can go right on and keep practicing your parental affections with your grandson, who will arrive in approximately eight and a half months.”

 

“What!?!”

 

“Now you're using my words. You do remember that I'm famous for making the impossible possible, don't you? That the more people say it can't be done, the more likely it will happen to me? Guess what: Magic has decided that, no matter what gender I am, babies can be made by being drilled into the wall of the Potions classroom!”

 

“… - … You… Are pregnant?”

 

“No shit, Sherlock!”

 

“… And I'm the father?”

 

“After all that crap you've been telling me just now, I'm not quite sure about your relation in that whole mess. I suppose you could be called father since you're not the one who ended up with it. But if I'm your son, you're grand-father as well, from the maternal side.”

 

“That is physically impossible.”

 

“Hello? What did I just tell you about the `Boy-Who-Lived'-factor? Better believe it, or you're going to be very unhappy the next eight months. Which you're going to be anyways because of that `I'm your father'-shit! Couldn't you have told me earlier before we got to this problem?”

 

“… How?”

 

“By opening your mouth!”

 

“Do you seriously intend to tell me that you are with child because I opened my mouth?”

 

“No! You should have used your mouth to tell me that you're my father. The rest is because you've used something else, and plenty of interference from magic herself.”

 

“Then where is the baby?”

 

“In here!”

 

“… Mr. Potter, -“

 

“ - Snape! - ”

 

“ - this is a snitch.”

 

“What? Not big enough for you? You do realize that babies don't pop into existence fully grown, don't you? I bet that you weren't that big in your second week.”

 

“Your meager attempts at insulting me aside, I have always known you to be intelligently challenged. But it is new to me that you have become mentally unstable as well. Has your unhealthy love for that asinine sport progressed so much that you think a ball will be our future child?”

 

“This is not a ball! That's the womb where our unborn baby is!”

 

“Then what do you propose will happen once the `baby's' size increases?”

 

“The womb will stretch. Or magic. How should I know? Since I'm a man, you didn't really believe that I'd be carrying our child inside me, did you? Not even magic can alter my plumbing enough for that! Instead, magic took our two essences, mixed and shook and spliced and did Merlin knows what to them, and voila, one brand new cell. The rest is history: Because the snitch was the closest thing of acceptable size nearby, magic put that cell inside this ball, tied it to my life and magic and blood circulation and whatnot, and until it's fully grown the baby has to stay in there!”

 

“… In short, you want to hatch a magically inseminated snitch for the next eight and a half months.”

 

Finally, Harry couldn't keep it in any longer and burst out laughing. The rest of the audience which consisted of the entire teaching staff of Hogwarts, including the Headmaster, Mr. Filch, his cat, and half of Hogwarts' ghost population, had already succumbed to laughter a long time ago.

 

Wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, Harry choked out accusatorily: “That's all your fault!”

 

Snape's corners of his mouth gave away how close he was to giving in to the overall hilarity. “Because I `drilled you into the wall of the Potions classroom' as you so eloquently put it?”

 

Then, even his formidable composure was lost, and the potions master joined into the laughter.

 

An indeterminate amount of time later, the room had calmed down so far that only occasional chuckles escaped, most of them caused by Severus Snape, the potions master, and Harry Potter, the defense teacher, mock-glaring at each other.

 

“As usual, excellent show my dear boys,” the headmaster congratulated. “What a fabulous start into the new school year. I am looking forward to what you are going to come up with next year.”

 

Harry snorted, putting an arm around Severus' shoulders. “I think we covered the vampire and heritage rumors last year, and the `I'm training for Dragon Lord' one the year before. I'd say `Voldemort II' is next, don't you?”

 

Minerva smirked. “The list says `soul mates'. And, don't worry, the list is still growing at a rate that I will be well into my third century until you have settled that debt.”

 

Harry groaned and Severus looked somewhat disgruntled. “Next time when you're betting, Potter, make sure you are sober. And never promise my involvement again!”

 

~The End~

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A/N:

 

Pure nonsense after a conversation with my friend about Harry and Snape's relationships in fanfiction. She claimed that most of the time, it was either Severitus or Snarry, and Harry seems to become pregnant with alarming frequency. Then I said, why not put all three of them into one fanfic? This is the result...

If you know of further Snape/Harry cliches, you could leave them in your review, and perhaps I will continue this story?

~The End~