Harry Potter - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Fatherhood ❯ Herbal Remedies ( Chapter 2 )

A/N: Pure insanity.

Herbal Remedies

 

„Hello. My name is Severus Snape, and I am looking for a Harry Potter.“

„Harry Who?“

„Potter. I was told he lives here.“

„Well, my name is Harry Dursley. You must have the wrong address.“

„Number 4 Privet drive?“

„That's here.“

„Harry Dursley?“

„That's my name.“

„Your … mother's name wouldn't be Petunia Dursley, by any chance?“

„How did you know?“

„… She is listed in the yellow pages as supplier of herbal remedies.“

„Quick! Come inside! What did you think when putting on such strange clothes? Do you really want to draw attention?“

„Excuse me?“

„Well, aren't you here to get some grass?“

„Why would I come to your door to get something that grows in abundance on every meadow?“

„In abundance? On every meadow? Just where do you come from? Jamaica?“

„Do I look like I could be from Jamaica?“

„No you don't. If you aren't here to buy pot, then how did you know the codeword?“

„Codeword?“

„That my mom's listed in the yellow pages as supplier of herbal remedies.“

„That was a joke, Mr. … Dursley.“

„... I always knew that. Well, now that you know that there's no Harry Potter around, can I help you with anything else? Can I interest you in any other … herbs?“

„No, thank you, I have my own supplies. Do you perchance have a scar on your forehead that looks like lightening?“

„Well, mom said it looked like lightening before I ran against the radiator while playing football indoors; now it looks more like some kind of star or sun.“

“Ah. Would you mind answering a few questions?”

“I haven't minded answering them so far, so shoot.”

“Do you feel abused or neglected by your … parents?”

“Why should I?”

“Please answer the question, Mr. Dursley.”

“No.”

“Have they always treated you properly?”

“Well, except for the one time when my dad gave me weed as a baby so that I'd stop crying, they've been pretty good to me. Mom really chewed him out for that.”

“They do not lock you in, deny you food or drink, or misuse you as cheap slave-labor?”

“Not since I've entered the Slave Union.”

“Pardon?”

“No, for goodness' sake. Are you one of those social service people? The others had the same strange uniform you're wearing.”

“Which others?”

“Those weirdos that have come up to us and asked about Harry Potter. A few of them showed me that really cool tattoo on their forearm. Do you have one, too?”

“Tattoo? Have they threatened you in any way?”

“Well, they always mumbled something about `AvKav' and looked pretty fanatic, so I thought they were desperate for a quick fix. I let them try my joint, and off they were into lala-land. Never seen anyone get high so quickly. I don't think they even realized when my dad brought them to the homeless shelter.”

“They didn't harm you?”

“Nah, they were just waving silly sticks around. One of them even spewed some nonsense that some kind of dark lord was coming to get me. Come to think of it, you look pretty much like their description. Are you that dark lord?”

“No!”

“Hey, relax man, didn't want to insult you! I'll just go back to answering your questions, okay?”

“Your parents have never touched you in an inappropriate way?”

“Well…”

“Yes?”

“… are you one of those kind of people that think that two men touching each other is a crime?”

“Since you are underage, I'd say that it would also be a crime if a woman touched you that way.”

“So you're not only homophobic, but heterophobic, too. Never met someone biphobic in my life. Do you like animals?”

“I do not like animals!”

“Then your life's got to be pretty lonely, with nobody giving you any hugs.”

“Hugs?”

“Well, yes? To hug someone, you've got to touch them.”

“… So your parents have only been hugging you?”

“My brother, too, but that's more or less it.”

“Then your earlier question was about whether your father and your brother hugging you was a crime?”

“Sure. You aren't homophobic after all?”

“…”

“Okay, okay, I get it. I'll stop asking. Any other questions, because I got to get back inside soon. Dinner's got to be ready in a few minutes.”

“No, thank you, I don't have any other questions. There seems to have been some kind of mixup.”

“No problem. Good bye, Mr. Snape!”

“Good day. Albus, the next time you suspect anyone's abusing your Boy-Who-Lived, you're going to go yourself!”

Both Severus Snape, resident Potions Master, and Harry Potter, resident Defense Against the Dark Arts Master, turned towards the assembled teachers and ghosts, bowed to thundering applause.

Minerva was wiping tears of mirth from her eyes, making a check after the next rumor. Those start-of-term-faculty-meetings had really been livened up ever since that bet. She was looking forward to what those two would come up with next year…

 

 

A/N: Another piece of full-fledged insanity. In the beginning, I wanted to take a shot at all those Snape-hates-Harry-but-when-he-sees-his-homelife-gets-sugary-friendly-storie s, but I think this one turned out as something completely different. I hope you enjoyed it!

 

Sakiku