Hunter X Hunter Fan Fiction ❯ Fear ❯ Fear ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: Can I have them, Togashi-sensei? I can? Thank you!!! *Thud* (falling from bed) A dream? Damn!

Note: actually nothing. I just felt like writing `Note' there.

Warning: Shounen ai, incest… that's pretty much all… I'm in my sap mood…

 

Fear

He wasn't sure how it started. First it was just a simple attraction turn to simple lust turn to simple affection turn to simple love… A relationship doomed from the start somehow last so long, got so far….

He didn't know when it started. In the beginning he was captivated by the smile and the innocent wide eyes, then he became addicted to the sight of the flush on the pale skin after sex and the fear on those eyes at his sight, then he longed for the sound of his name uttered in the most erotic way by those pink lips even when they weren't having sex, then he worshiped the way those eyes opened in the morning to greet him….

He used to enjoy the fear. Before, it was a symbol of his superiority, his power. Then he realized it had instead became a symbol of his weakness, his jealousy when he learned that it was he who felt the fear. And he grew to dread it, despise it, welcome it and it left him surrendering, submitting to fate….

Before, he thought he saw submission in those eyes, too. But then he remembered his lover wasn't one to submit to anything. His lover became his, only because he chose to, because he didn't want to bother himself to fight and not because he was forced to.

Sometimes it made him felt like he was the submissive one in their relationship. Just like yesterday when they had a fight and somehow his lover managed to solve their problem clearheadedly and simply kissed him in a way of apology and submission that, in fact infuriate him. At times like that he would become rougher, colder just to feel a bit of superiority that his lover willingly gave him with such elegant calmness that upset him so that he was never satisfied. Making him ask for more and more until the need maddened him, leaving him in the dark abyss of his tainted soul.

Then those eyes would open, a dark kind of light in his windowless chamber, just like it did just now, reminding him of his need and calming it at the same time. Briefly he wondered when he started to stay long enough to see the blankness, submission and challenge in those eyes. There were so many things he couldn't recall. He used to think those were unimportant matters, now he wished he cherished those little facts and preserved them in his quiet yet crowded mind.

There was no pain in those eyes, he noticed. And somehow his body became cold and his heart became warm at the observation. They remained silent for a while, thinking, musing, watching each other until he felt it was too unbearable and greeted his lover with a slightly raspy good morning.

The answer, a cheeky yet indifferent reply was anticipated but never ceased to surprise him. He guessed he half expected his lover to snap at him and left him. Chills ran down his spine at the thought that quickly pushed it aside when his lover pressed soft lips on his and he responded by pressing their naked bodies close together. The dry remnants of their passion felt sticky on their skin, but none seemed to care, being otherwise too occupied.

He felt his fear expanded when he broke their kiss, so he wrapped his arms around his lover's slender body. A small part of his mind kept telling him that his lover would not return if he let him go. Because his lover chose to be with him thus he was free to choose to leave him.

His lover made a protesting sound, his discomfort to their sticky situation was obvious, but he refused to let go. Finally his lover gave up, mumbling something about his habit to stay in bed till afternoon making him lazy. Then came the deafening silence that made him feel alone like his lover weren't there with him and he must pushed his lover further to see him to convince himself that he's still there. His lover, though, had other plan and used the opportunity to leave the bed, avoiding his reaching hand by an inch and pulled the curtain.

He must shield his eyes from the glaring light as the realization that this was not his chamber and his lover was no longer the little boy he was, dawned on him. So he watched his lover across the room mutely, quietly enjoying the view. The pale body naked to reveal some telltale marks on his neck and chest, wild silver hair a glowing halo with the sunlight behind him, eyes staring at him dark night sky.

Sometimes he thought everything about his lover was black and white. Which made the yellowish glow billowing his slender built seemed a little out of place, yet oddly fitting. He stared at the body he claimed last night and many nights before that, musing, marveling, thinking, seeing, watching, feeling the fear started to consume him again. The time had passed so quickly, giving him no time to breath. Now in front of him were a young man and not a young boy that needed his constant support. It struck him that his lover could leave him anytime now, as he was no longer in need of him, and especially after that fight yesterday.

Suddenly his lover shifted on uncomfortably and looked away. Perhaps the bitterness of his thought had shown on his face and scared his lover. He noticed slight wariness on his lover's face.

“I want to take a bath.” Care to join me?

He could felt the question hung in the air, a rude yet shy invitation, but an invitation nonetheless. He felt a strong urge to get up and carried his lover into the bathroom right away but fought it and stayed on bed, staring. His skin tingled with relief and he fought back a sigh.

“Illumi?” came a hesitant call as his lover turned toward him when he didn't answer right away, his expression bordering between challenge and insecurity.

He made an indecipherable noise and got up. When he stood before his lover, he let himself enjoying the familiar face for a moment longer before dipping down to taste the sweet lips that had serviced him for years. As he broke the kiss he felt the fear lifted partially, if not completely.

“Let's go for that bath.” He said as he held his lover's hand and pulled him to the bathroom.

Maybe his lover would leave him one day, but that day was certainly not today. Quietly, he saved his fear for another day.

O~WA~RI

A/N: As I wrote this I thought about making a fic about their fight and the making up. But we'll have to wait till my smut mood return. I ignore other character's presence mostly bcuz I want to focus on how they view each other and their relationship and especially the feeling that they had to each other that you've never considered before. So that's my attempt on showing the aspects of their relationship I've never even considered exist until recently. I hope I accomplished that mission all right. Read the sequence for this fic, which I'll probably post if you gave me good reviews. So start reviewing minna!!