InuYasha Fan Fiction / Crossover Fan Fiction / Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Anime goes to Therpy ❯ Pansies, Guns and Possible Lawsuits ( Chapter 12 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

By: Adnilem

Chapter Twelve - Pansies, Guns and Possible Lawsuits

The shrinks let out a sigh of relief as they went in to shrink their last patients of the day. Inside the room, everyone sat down. Or tried to, anyway. In an office with only four chairs, seven people was a stretch. Britty ended up sitting on the desk, and Quatre sat cross-legged on the floor beside Duo, who was stretched out on his side with a magazine that looked suspiciously like the one Hideki had had in the waiting room. Mitzy, Chrissy, Heero, and Trowa took the chairs.

Britty started. “So, what's your problem, anyhoo, guys?”

The boys looked at each other. “Our girls think we have problems. Really, we're fine,” said Duo, not looking up from the magazine.

“Well, what do the girls say is wrong with you?” Britty asked.

Quatre pointed at Duo. “They all say he has an obession with hair. And girls.”

Duo glared and shot back. “Only my hair. And Hilde. And look who's talking, Mr. Oo-lookit-a-pretty-flower!”

“He just admitted it! He has an obsession! Shrink him! Shrink him now!” Quatre yelled, leaping up and pointing an accusing finger at Duo.

Chrissy, Mitzy, and Britty glanced at each other. “Okay, okay, don't worry. We'll shrink him. Just be patient, okay?”

Quatre pouted and sat down.

“Now, what's this `pretty flower' thing Duo was talking about?” Britty asked.

“Flowers are cool,” Quatre said, muttering. Duo snorted. Quatre stuck his tongue out at him.

Chrissy marked down `Immaturity' on her list of problems.

“Flowers are nice,” said Britty understandingly. “I really like roses. What about you? What flowers do you like?”

Quatre thought a minute. “I like roses, daffodils, pansies, tulips, morning glories, daisies, pansies, water lilies, day lilies, tiger lilies, pansies, irises, geraniums, pansies, chrysanthemums, carnations, and did I say pansies? I really really like pansies.”

“Sometimes I think you're a pansy,” Duo snorted. Quatre put his hands on his hips and stuck his tongue out again. To Chrissy and Mitzy he muttered, “He only wishes I was.”

Duo jumped up. “I heard that! You're a dead pansy now!”

“I am not a PANSY, dead or otherwise!” Quatre said childishly, crossing his arms and looking quite petulant.

“There will be no dead pansies in this office!” Britty declared loudly. In the waiting room, snickering was heard again. Quatre and Duo practically fell over trying to get away from the PO'ed psycho.

“Now,” said Britty, ignoring the startled looks of Chrissy and Mitzy. “Why don't we do word association?” The pilots agreed, none to happily.

“Family?”

Quatre shuddered. “Thirty sisters…”

“All my friends!” Duo jumped up and delivered a biiig group hug. “And Hilde,” he added as an afterthought.

“Catherine, and my friends,” said Trowa. “And Heavyarms.”

“Ooh, ohh, and Deathscythe! I forgot Deathscythe!” yelled Duo. Chrissy and Mitzy looked at each other. If they had family named Heavyarms and Deathscythe, it was no wonder they had issues.

“I don't have a family,” said Heero coldly. He was immediately glomped by everyone in the room, including the shrinks. “You poor thing!” yelled Britty holding onto his arm. “We're your family,” said Quatre, clinging to his leg. “And Relena would murder you if she heard you say that,” said Duo, perched on Heero's head. “We're here for you too!” Mitzy piped in, sitting on his left knee. “Yeah, we'll listen! We're good at listening!” said Chrissy on his right knee.

“Good. Then you can listen to this:Omae o korosu!” he yelled, jumping up and reaching for his gun. Which wasn't there. “What did you do with my gun?!” he yelled, anger marks popping across his forehead.

Chrissy gave a nervous laugh and held up the gun, which she had pick-pocketed from him earlier. “You don't really need this do you? I mean, violence doesn't solve anything…”

“Better give it to him,” said Duo. “He feels naked without his gun.”

Mitzy gave a puzzled look. “He doesn't look naked…”

“I'M NAKED, ALRIGHT?!” Heero yelled. “NOW GIVE ME THE GUN!”

From the waiting room, Flueky called out, “Should I call 911? I mean, if you've got naked guys with guns in there…”

Matt called out, “If you've got naked guys with guns in there, why was I not invited? I love guns!”

Heero snatched the gun from Chrissy's hand. They tussled over the gun until one of them, no one was sure which, managed to hit the trigger and blow a hold through the ceiling. A large chunk of ceiling tile fell and hit Duo in the head.

“Look, the sky is falling,” he joked, then collapsed on Trowa, who was trying not to burst out laughing over the idea of shrinks counseling naked, gun-wielding people in their office.

“Um, next word?” suggested Britty, who was feeling very ignored. All the pilots turned to stare at her. Chrissy used the opportunity to take the bullets from Heero's gun, as well as the spare ones.

“HEY!” Heero yelled, startled. Chrissy, triumphant, pulled the box of ammo from Heero's pants. Britty and Mitzy stared, while Quatre and a still dazed Duo giggled. Trowa was curled into a ball in his chair, laughing hysterically.

Heero sputtered. “I want my lawyer! My shrink just groped me!”

“That was an accident! I was just trying to get the bullets!”

Duo snorted. “You don't have a lawyer. The last one quit after you shot him, remember. Besides, you can't be all that upset about being groped by a girl- well, unless you're a pansy,” he smirked at Quatre.

“IT WASN'T MY FAULT HE KEEPS HIS BULLETS DOWN THERE!” Chrissy yelled. Suddenly, there was silence.

From the waiting room, Matt and Flueky asked simultaneously, “Down where?”

Chrissy put her head in her hands.

“Um,” said Britty. “Maybe we should just skip the word association? Why don't each of you take turns and tell us about your life. Ok?”

Quatre started. “I had thirty older sisters who regularly used me as their dress-up doll. Not that it wasn't kinda fun, but I think they were trying to turn me into a girl.”

“Why didn't you just let them? You'd make a great girl, Quatre,” said Duo, trying to keep a straight face.

Quatre flipped him off. Everyone in the room gasped. Britty took Quatre's hand. “No, no, Quatre. A peace sign uses two fingers, see?”

Trowa giggled uncontrollably. Duo went next.

“Well, I lost my mom and dad, then I went to live in a church, which got blown up, and I became the god of death because everyone around me always dies.”

Chrissy and Britty all laughed nervously.

Since Trowa was still unable to talk coherently, Heero went next. “I had a normal childhood of assassinating people and blowing shi-stuff up. Therefore, I have no problems.”

“Uh-huh…̶ 1; said the three shrinks in unison.

“I-I…hee-hee, I was f-fine…until I got here!” Trowa managed to choke out between laughs. “My o-only problem… is the giggles!” He burst out laughing again.

“Aren't ya gonna tell them about your sister and the lion and all that stuff?” Duo asked.

“There's nothing going on with me and the lion!” Trowa said.

“That's not what the show tigers said…” Duo said, looking innocent.

Trowa promptly dissolved into laughter again.

Chrissy and Britty looked at each other.

“I think you can go back now,” said Britty. “We'll give you the results in a while.”

Chrissy leaned over to Mitzy, who had dozed off sometime earlier. “CROTCH!” she yelled. Mitzy jumped about three feet and fell out of the chair. She giggled and looked at Trowa, who was also still giggling. They got up and followed the others to the door, laughing all the way.

Chrissy gave the door a push. “It won't budge,” she said. Heero frowned. “Move,” he said. Everyone got out of the way as Heero slammed his shoulder into the door, ripping it off its hinges. The door blew outward, squishing Matt and Flueky, who had apparently been eavesdropping on the session. The other patients, who had been listening in as well, ran for cover.

Matt sat up, looking dazed. “I don't see any guns…”

“Or naked guys…” added Flueky, sounding disappointed.

Chrissy shook her head. Britty glared at the eavesdroppers. “Nothing you heard leaves this building!” she said sternly.

“Yes, ma'am!” they all chimed.

Bonus Chapter - The Infamous Crotch Incident

Chrissy: Hey, another omake!

Mitzy: Yup, and it's all about me…

Britty: I'm in here too!

Chrissy: Mitzy, why don't you tell it?

Mitzy: Well, it all started when…

(begin flashback sequence!)

(Mitzy, Chrissy, and Britty are walking down the stairs at their school on their way to lunch. For some unknown reason, they are discussing ways to fend off attackers.)

Chrissy: Yeah, I've always heard that you go for the eyes or the nose

Britty: Yeah, anywhere on the face.

Mitzy: Or the…

(cue teacher appearance at the bottom of the stairs)

Mitzy: CROTCH!

(cue teacher giving Mitzy a very funny look and the three shrinks giggling insanely)

(end flashback sequence)

Chrissy: Well, technically, Mitzy didn't yell it. But she sure did say it loud enough…

Mitzy: And we all died laughing.

Britty: I think the teacher thought you were some kind of creepy perv or something.

Mitzy: Are you suggesting I'm not?

Chrissy and Britty: o.O

Mitzy: Tee-hee, just kidding…

Chrissy: (to Britty) Remind me not to let her spend the night again.

Britty: Same here…