InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ All I Ever Will Be ❯ Chapter 1

Author's note: After reading Morbidity's "Simplicity" (I suggest reading hers first), I couldn't resist writing this. I apologize if it doesn't make a whole lot of sense or if it jumps around, but I swear, this fic wrote itself. It wasn't even supposed to be in first person. It's quite angsty with a bit of waffness at the end.

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All I Ever Will Be

Inuyasha, I understand. He was her lover fifty years ago. Even now, he just couldn't let her go.

My affections grew for Miroku with the attention he had begun to show me. I thought it was out of comfort for me because Inuyasha kept running off with her. He listened to me, encouraged me when I doubted myself. He changed from being a mere friend to something more. I fancied myself in love with him.

But that, too, changed.

It was the new moon. We thought it rather advantageous since Inuyasha's keen senses were dulled in his human form. Miroku kissed me, touched me, and damn near possessed me as he made love to me. It was something I used to dream about with Inuyasha, but they were becoming reality with the ministrations of the monk. It was the best night of my life...

... until he called out her name.

I was shattered. My heart hurt so bad it felt as though it actually ruptured. I couldn't even enjoy the rest of the night as one thought plagued my mind. Another man I had fallen for was in love with her and I was just a cheap substitute.

Why did I bother? Why did I try to fight against it?

I should have been proud of being the reincarnation of a powerful priestess, but I wasn't. I never thought it was possible for one person to feel such despair and sorrow. I felt as though I weighed twice as much from the burdens that I bore, namely finding the jewel shards and trying to fill her shoes.

I had nearly given up in believing in my own existence. I tried staying home in my time, throwing in the towel on Inuyasha's little quest, but I if I stayed away more than three days together, he always came to retrieve me and demand that I stay, at least until my obligation was complete. After all, if I hadn't been so careless as to shatter the Shikon no Tama in the first place, we all wouldn't be in the predicament we were in, and so on and so forth.

I stopped arguing with him, stopped talking with Miroku, shunning both males if they came within an arms reach of me. Both would leave at night, first one, the other, sometimes together. I didn't have to ask. I knew where they were going and who they were going to see. The moment the first one rose to leave, I would put my headsets on and blast my music, lying on my side with my back to the group to drown out my surroundings, fighting tears until I went to sleep. I really didn't talk to Sango much anymore. She wouldn't be able to tell me more than I have already told myself and Shippou-chan, the dear child, was innocently clueless.

I was at an all time low when I was looking for opportunities to get myself killed.

I would allow myself to be captured by Naraku, but even he was under her spell still. When he realized what I was intentionally throwing myself in his way, he quit coming for me, changing his tactics and capturing Sango instead, saying I was no longer a challenge and even she was much smarter than giving up, despite how he enjoyed having his prey willingly come to him but in the end, the fight was more satisfying.

I tried provoking Sesshoumaru during his sibling rivalries with Inuyasha, but he refused to kill me because the souls of Inuyasha and the dead miko were destined for each other and it was not his brother's time to die. Why didn't he just cut the crap and say that Inuyasha was still in love with her and although it would be of no consequence if I live or died he didn't want to be the cause of his brother's death for whatever reason?

Whenever I go home, I would sit before the mirror, trying to convince myself that I was my own person. When I crossed through the well, I would have a compact mirror and stare at myself when we stopped traveling.

That became the norm behind closed doors for a couple of months, but I was found out and as I think about it, I'm glad I was.

During my lunch break at school, I was sitting in an empty darkened classroom, studying myself in the compact. The light came on, but I didn't look up. I expected the intruder to get whatever they came for and leave, not acknowledging the existence that was fading before my eyes.

The despair was so heavy, my senses were numbed and I didn't know the person was still there until they put their hand on my shoulder. I jumped, abruptly brought back to reality, my mirror crashing to the floor.

"Kagome?"

I turned my gaze to the figure kneeling beside me and he gasped. I know what he saw. The lines of worry in the sallow complexion, the shadowed eyes that lacked life weighted by the bags due to sleep deprivation and utter defeat. My grandfather had invented lies about different illnesses while my time was spent elsewhere and whenever I came back, I didn't look any different. This time, he wasn't prepared for this.

"Oh, Kami! Kagome! What's wrong?"

I didn't answer. I could only stare at him, silently pleading for him to understand me, to accept me. He reached out and touched my cheek in silent response and caused the dam to erupted. The pain that had been building within could not be contained any longer.

He guided me to the nurse's office who gave him permission to take me home. Once there, I didn't want him to leave. He must have felt that I needed him because he held me as I cried, all the fear, pain, anxiety, despair, hopelessness, sorrow, and guilt being purged from my heart. I allowed him to comfort me and tell me everything would be alright and he would protect me although he didn't have any idea as to what was going on.

I had fallen asleep in his arms on the sofa. I didn't know how long I was out, but the scent of oden assaulted my senses, drawing me from my slumber, but I wasn't hungry enough to eat it. A slight panic rose as I sat up, realizing I was alone with a blanket thrown over me. A head peered from the kitchen door, greeting me with a bright infectious smile. I surprised myself when I smiled back.

He came in and sat beside me, taking me into his arms, soothing my emotional hurts with his presence. Without thinking, I kissed him with everything I had. When I pulled away, a deep blush rose to his cheeks, but he pulled me closer and held me tighter.

After that night, I didn't try to push him away. I appreciated the attention he had been bestowing on me and I became my old self again. I didn't want to tell him the source of my depression as that would mean my confessing everything, including being a reincarnation. My insecurity didn't want that. I couldn't tell him that for fear of losing him to her as well. He didn't pressure me into talking, but he was unfailingly by my side, ready to listen to anything I said. He made me smile and laugh again.

He made me love again.

I loathed going through the well, having to be with them, watching them pine over her, but all I had to do was think about the one waiting for me on the other side and I could manage.

I spent less and less time in the Sengoku Jidai and every free moment I was allowed was spent with him.

Our one year anniversary as a couple was celebrated at his house. His parents left for the weekend and we cooked dinner together. After we ate, I decided to tell him about my trips to the past, feeling used, about being her reincarnation, not being worth killing.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he said.

I knew he was hurt by the secrecy, the deception. He had his own sadness, abusing himself by being in love with me while I chased blindly behind a half-demon who was always cruel to me and a perverted monk who only wanted to get laid all the time. He was always ignored by me although he had the purest heart of all.

"I haven't had much value to anyone, being forced to live in the shadows of another woman. I wouldn't have been able to bear it if you turned your back on me, too." A tear escaped its hiding place and rolled down my cheek. "If you hadn't been there for me, if you hadn't stuck by me, if you haven't loved me, I know I would have died."

He placed two fingers over my lips, silencing me. "You know I would never have let that happen to you."

He smiled lovingly as he wiped my tear away, softly kissing my cheek where the tear had been. I couldn't stop the other tears from falling even if I wanted to. He held me as he did so many times before, but this time, I didn't cry very long. I just needed to flush the rest of the pain out of my system.

That night, entwined in each other's limbs, we fused together the shards of my broken heart I allowed him to hold. It was finally complete and with it, I felt more beauty, love, and purity than the Shikon jewel could ever dare to possess.

We laid together, greeting the sun as she rose from her slumber. I finally told him the words he'd been waiting to hear.

"I love you, Hojou," I whispered into his shoulder.

He pushed my hair behind my ear, softly stroking my cheek. "A reincarnated priestess or not, you are Kagome and she is the woman I have always loved."

I closed my eyes and sighed with contentment. "That is all I ever will be."