InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Cloud Watching ❯ Making amends for the past - part one ( Chapter 12 )

Love is patient; love is kind;
Love doesn't envy and isn't boastful;
Love doesn't delight in evil,
But rejoices with truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
Always hopes, always perseveres;

Love Never Fails.

Making amends for the past

Part one

By Melissa Spoula

Inuyasha had spent two days tracking Kikyo. It seemed she had been trying to get as far away from Kaede's village as she could. She had been traveling steadily and as far as he could tell she had not stopped for rest even once. She knew he was coming and she was running away.

Inuyasha could travel faster than she could, and even though she had a good head start he felt he was catching up with her. She didn't rest and neither did he. He ran as hard and fast as his body would allow. When he needed rest he would merely slow his pace until he caught his breath. Then he would run again. At first he was a day behind, then half a day, now only hours.

All the time he was tracking her his mind was filed with every memory he had with her. How her quiet and sad ways had made him fall in love with her. How he had wanted to help her, make her happy. He had been as ready to give up his life for her as he was to give it up now to save Kagome. Funny, fifty years ago the thought of loving another woman was unthinkable. There was only Kikyo. She was his everything, his heart rested in her hands. She was his world.

Yet they really never knew each other. In the two years he spent with her he could count on one hand the number of real conversations he had with her. It wasn't the times they spent together he found was the closest to his heart but the time he spent watching her. Just her everyday normal life, that was what touched his heart. When she was happy or sad, when she got angry and couldn't show it, when she hurt and no one else knew. He saw, he knew.

He would watch her and wish he could be with her. He wished he could be just a normal man, excepted and loved. He knew her ten times better then she could ever know him. Then again he never let her get close. He could watch her from afar but she could never watch him. She only knew what he let her know, the things he let her see.

Thinking about it now he saw just how one-sided their relationship was. They never really knew each other and so they never really trusted each other. It was that mistrust in each other that brought about their end. He couldn't help but put Kagome in the same situation as Kikyo had been. If Naraku had attacked Kagome looking like him would Kagome believed it? Would she have attacked him? He thought of the times that Kagome had been manipulated and controlled by others, when she had been forced to attack him against her will. Each time he knew something was wrong. He never thought `why is Kagome betraying me?' it was always ` what or who is making her do this and how do I free her from their control.' Each time he had faith that she would never do anything like that by her own choice. How and when had that bond formed? He had not had that faith in Kikyo. He never even gave her the benefit of the doubt.

He felt guilt, unimaginable guilt. It was his fault that she died. He should have tried to talk to her, reason with her. That never happened. When that first arrow flew by his head there wasn't a thought in his mind that wasn't against her. He knew she had betrayed him and he never gave that a second thought. She was just one more person who had lied to him, turned their back to him, betrayed him.

He should have tried. It was his fault. And now he was going to really betray her. This time it would be his hand not Naraku's that took Kikyo's life. This time the betrayal was real.

When Kagome had found her, Kikyo had thought that her life had been saved. She could take this girl's soul, kill her, and move on with her life. (or afterlife I'm not really sure?) However, she knew that would not happen when she felt Inuyasha's aura close her off from the last of the girl's soul. This meant the girl and Inuyasha where already bound to each other and probably his demon side had taken her as his mate. This also meant the girl would live and Inuyasha would try to save his precious replacement for her.

That was what Kikyo had always seen Kagome as, a copy. Watching from afar, she had seen this girl win the heart of the man she once loved. Her copy was given love from him that she herself had never received. But what angered her most was his faith in her. She had seen time and time again their trust and faith in each other put to the test and it always survived. Why had this not happened for them? Where was his faith in her?

This was all part of her anger. The small part of her soul she had received from Kagome when she first was reborn had been pure anger. Anger towards Inuyasha. It was like a fire that never stopped burning. Even after she knew that it was Naraku who killed her she still hated Inuyasha. At times she tried to stop hating him and found it was physically impossible. As soon as she tried to let that anger go she could feel her strength draining. Without the anger she would die.

So she held on to that anger for all it was worth. She knew she didn't hate him. In fact she still felt all the love she had felt for him just as strong now as when she had truly been alive. It was the anger towards her love that swayed her judgment. Yes, she had tried to kill him. This was only a way to keep him form loving anyone but her. He was always on her mind and her mind always fought between her love for him and her hate.

That is, until she took Kagome's soul. At first she felt normal. She got as far away form the girl as she could to prevent her from trying to take her soul back. The further she got away form the girl the more real life seemed to come back to her cold body. At first it was great she felt warm all over and she felt just as she had fifty years ago when she was alive. For the first time in years she felt happy. However this only lasted so long. Soon she felt guilt, guilt for leaving the girl to die. Guilt for being the one who took her life away.

But why should she feel guilty? The soul was hers first. She was merely taking back what rightfully belonged to her…. right? Memories came rushing into her head. How she forced Kagome to watch her and Inuyasha kiss. Making her watch as Inuyasha pledged his undying love to her. Standing over her and taking the Shikon no Tama form her. How many times had she tried to kill her? If she was hurt or dying and Kagome was around Kagome did her best to help her. Kagome had saved Kikyo's life time and time again. If Kagome was dying it was usually because Kikyo was trying to kill her.

What about Inuyasha? She had tried to kill him, tired to end his life and take him to hell with her. He still loved her and her actions must have hurt him badly. She never thought about things like this when all she had to feed off of was anger. Now she had Kagome's pure and loving soul to feed on. Looking back at all the thing she had done appalled her.

The sins of her former self were now weighing heavily on her new soul. After a day and a half of running her conscience got the better of her. It was time to stop running. It was time to wait for Inuyasha and whatever punishment he saw fit. Somehow she had to set things right.

When he finally found her Kikyo was sitting on a rock in the middle of a deep blue lake her back to him. He stood there on the bank just looking at her. Each knew the other was there and each said nothing. Kikyo was the first to brake the silence. "So, what took you so long." Inuyasha stared unblinking at her back. "You had an unfair head start. Why did you stop?"

From her side of the rock Kikyo ran her finger over the water. "You would have caught me eventually. I guess I just thought it was time to stop running." Kikyo turned to face him and Inuyasha couldn't hide his surprise.

This was not the Kikyo that had hunted him for the past few years. She had now taken on most of her old softness. Her eyes were no longer hard and cold but soft and had a warmth and sparkle to them. Her movements were no longer stiff and purposeful but gentle. She was now the Kikyo of fifty years ago, the Kikyo he fell in love with.