InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Dilemma ❯ Chapter 1
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: LuxKen27 
Originally inspired by two lines in Chapter 3 of Four Seasons. A cookie to those who can spot it :)
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance / Angst | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 10.14.2008 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.1K | Visits: 945 | Status: Completed
Originally inspired by two lines in Chapter 3 of Four Seasons. A cookie to those who can spot it :)
Anime/Manga: InuYasha Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Drama / Romance / Angst | Type: One Shot | Uploaded On: 10.14.2008 | Pages: 3 | Words: 4.1K | Visits: 945 | Status: Completed
Author’s Note: This was originally posted as an entry for the dokuga_contest [Sess/Kag] community @ LJ, prompt “Mixed Up”
Want to see the ultimate author’s notes for this piece? Visit me at LJ! Explanations, clarifications, spoilers available!
Disclaimer: The Inuyasha concept, story, and characters are copyright Rumiko Takahashi and Viz Media.
His actions confused her.
She had learned a painful life lesson that harsh, wintry day, and yet, she wasn’t quite sure what conclusion she was supposed to be drawing from it. The inactions of the one she loved, the surprising actions of the one who loved no one: it was a formula for deep conflict, one from which she had not yet teased an answer.
As she stood on the sidewalk, facing the school campus, her gut twisted with realization: she would have to make a choice between them. Could she forgive him for his reaction and take him back, or did she put herself out on a limb, prostrate herself before the only one who had enough of her to break her heart?
She didn’t know. She could only hope, whatever her decision, that she wasn’t making the biggest mistake of her life.
“Kagome!” A trio of breathless voices met her as she climbed the steps of the school.
Smile still in place, she turned to face her band of best girlfriends. Earnest, eager grins greeted her, and her heart began to pump a bit faster. No doubt they had all had wonderful winter vacations, spending time with their families over the holidays, or venturing off to exotic locales for expensive ski trips.
Certainly, none of them had been isolated from their parents, or spent the day after Christmas weeping in an abortion clinic.
The girls chattered aimlessly, swapping stories of time spent away, catching up on the latest gossip from school. Kagome only listened with half an ear as the now-familiar wave of discomfort settled over her, memories of that horrible day assailing her.
“Listen, Kagome… I wanted to ask you something,” Ayumi said, interrupting her reverie. She exchanged curious glances with Yuka and Eri before continuing. “Did something happen to you over break?”
Kagome’s heart seized in her chest. How could they know? she wondered, thoughts piling over each other as she stared back at them. “What do you mean?” she finally sputtered, her mask of calm dissolving a bit.
Ayumi’s eyes searched her face. “You seem so sad,” she said, squeezing her friend’s hand. “Did you have a fight with Inuyasha?”
Kagome cast her eyes downward. “Sort of,” she mumbled, not really wanting to contemplate the rift in their relationship.
Eri heaved an annoyed sigh. “Well, whatever he did, forgive him,” she advised, leaning forward in a conspiratorial manner. “A guy like that doesn’t come around very often!”
Kagome gave her friends a wan smile. Could you really forgive someone who left you hanging like that? she mused silently as she gazed at each one in turn. Don’t you know how badly he hurt me by pushing me away when I needed him the most?
Of course they didn’t: their feelings about him clouded their judgment. He wasn’t in school very often, due to his mysterious bouts of illnesses, but when he was there, he absolutely livened the room with his wit and charm. Half the female population of their class would readily confess to a crush on him, if they thought it would get them anywhere.
She didn’t begrudge her friends their feelings; she felt the exact same way about him, obviously, and was flattered beyond belief when he decided to pursue her over everyone else, considering the available candidates. The more she got to know him, the better she understood him, and the more she opened herself up to him. That was love, wasn’t it? She was in love with him, wasn’t she?
Yuka gave Eri a hard look as she reached forward to offer her own empathy. “If you two did have some sort of fight, that doesn’t mean you have to be the one doing the forgiving,” she said firmly, patting Kagome on the shoulder. “But it’s obvious something happened, by the look on your face. You should at least talk to him.”
Ayumi nodded. “It’s eating you up, and that’s not good,” she added.
If only you knew, Kagome thought with a wry smile. Instead of spending her precious school-free days with her family and friends, she’d been in bed recovering from an operation and wondering just exactly where she stood in the lives of a few very important people. Not exactly thoughts associated with holiday cheer.
She squared her shoulders. “I’m sure we’ll work it out,” she promised them, forcing her lips up into another smile. “Don’t worry about it.”
Yuka and Eri appeared satisfied with her answer, but Ayumi gave her a knowing glance and another squeeze of the hand, before they were swept into the crowd of returning students.
Luckily, the general gossip was far, far off the mark. Instead of the shameful and potentially reputation-ruining talk of sex and abortion, it was the more run-of-the-mill discussion of cheating and roving eyes. Some girls were only too happy to spread rumors of being the one responsible for breaking up the ‘unlikely’ couple –fiery admissions borne of jealousy, stemming back to the beginning of the year when he began his single-minded pursuit of her.
She had other things on her mind, at any rate: it seemed Inuyasha himself had not returned to school this semester, which only fueled the rumor mill fires. It made her position harder than she expected; on one hand, she was relieved to not have to face him in such a public arena. On the other hand…despite the absolute hell he’d put her through, she couldn’t help but worry about him. His health was so very fragile; maybe he had been just as affected by this situation as she, even though it was mostly his fault.
Her personal turmoil only heightened any time she glimpsed Sesshoumaru in the halls. He seemed completely unshaken by the events of winter vacation, walking through the sea of classmates with his usual impassive, composed self. She hadn’t really had a chance to talk to him since that awful day, when he’d accompanied her to the clinic. That would require going to his house, which would require seeing his brother…just, no.
She wasn’t ready to face Inuyasha quite yet, and she didn’t know what she could say to Sesshoumaru to justify her feelings of thankfulness and gratefulness for his quiet, non-judgmental actions.
She stood at her locker one day, staring after him as he passed her in the hall. Why did you act like that? she wondered to herself, following his silvery head as it disappeared around the corner.
It was completely out of his character, or at least of the one he presented to the world. She’d heard of his reputation long before she started dating his brother, just like everyone else: a cold, heartless, selfish bastard who could show no more emotion than a block of wood, even in the tensest of situations. Some people admired that quality in him, but most people found him arrogant and aloof, worthy of only their resentment.
She was surprised and pleased to find a different side to him as her relationship with Inuyasha began to pick up steam. She was often a guest at their house – his mother was the nicest lady alive, in Kagome’s estimation – and when she was there, she struck up conversations with Sesshoumaru on the most unlikely of topics. She got the feeling, early on, that he was merely bored, talking to her out of latent curiosity, trying to figure out what she saw in his brother. She wasn’t intimidated by him in the least, and he seemed to appreciate her candor. As time went on, their conversations grew more spontaneous and relaxed, and he was acting like a normal friend around her – at least, in this private setting.
They didn’t often see each other at school; when they did cross paths, they didn’t do much more than acknowledge each others’ existence.
So it was odd to her when he sought her out one day after class, warning her in his usual blunt fashion that his brother was up to no good, sneaking around behind her back. She blew up at him unnecessarily for confirming her worst suspicions; only later did she learn that she was already pregnant during that stressful conversation, which probably contributed to her overblown emotions.
What was not odd, however, was that he was the only person in her world who did not pass judgment on her when she revealed her pregnancy. Passing judgment on friends wasn’t his style, it seemed, a refreshing change from everyone else – her family, his family, and even Inuyasha himself – who didn’t fail to tell her, overtly or not, what a huge mistake she had made, and how she’d just ruined not only her life, but precious, fragile Inuyasha’s.
How strange, it seemed now, that he of all people was the only one she could turn to in her darkest, loneliest hour. They held mutual respect and regard for each other; he agreed without hesitation to help her deal with her pregnancy, no matter what her decision was. He was the one who took her to the clinic, who held her hand the entire time, who let her moan and sob all over him when it was over. She would be forever grateful to him for that; he hated to be embraced in any form, and yet…she clung to him for dear life for half that day, garnering no complaint from him.
She didn’t know how to feel about him now. In that moment, their lives became forever entwined. She had never felt closer to another human being, but at the same time, she’d never felt more alone in her entire life. No matter what he did, no matter how much comfort he offered her (and it was a lot, by his standards), he could never truly take away her sorrow.
And yet, it was him who supported her, who did everything she had expected of her boyfriend, considering the situation. But – he was not her boyfriend. He wasn’t even one of her best, closest, lifelong friends.
So, why? Why did he do it? Did it mean he cared for her in some way beyond friendship?
Did these mixed up emotions that his actions inspired in her mean…she felt the same way?
What then, of her fractured relationship with Inuyasha? Didn’t she love him as well? Didn’t her current state of worry and fear prove that?
The whispers of his health were only growing worse as time passed. One week…two weeks…he still wasn’t back.
That couldn’t be good.
It seemed the time had come to confront this situation – whether she was ready to face it or not.
Her gaze met golden eyes as the door was opened. “Kagome,” Sesshoumaru greeted her.
Her mouth went dry as she stared up at him, blood rushing through her veins. “Sesshoumaru,” she returned.
They stared at each other for a long moment, before he finally pulled the door open far enough for her to enter the house. “Come in,” he invited, motioning her in with a sweep of his arm. “I’m glad you came by.”
Kagome bit her lip as she shrugged out of her shoes. “You are?” she asked, struggling to control the rise of her voice. For some reason, the bland statement made her giddily happy.
“Hm,” he replied, leading her from the foyer to the front family room, which was decorated with his mother’s impeccable taste. This was one of Kagome’s favorite rooms; it was so warm and inviting, and at the same time, calming. She sank down onto the plush sofa with a grateful sigh.
“Are your parents here?” she asked, watching as he eased down into a chair opposite her.
He exhaled heavily, rubbing his face with his hands. “They’re upstairs with Inuyasha,” he replied.
That immediately put Kagome on alert. “Is he okay?” she questioned, leaning forward. Oh, God, don’t let me be too late…
Sesshoumaru eyed her with a tired but calculated stare. “As well as can be expected, I suppose,” he drawled. “He’s been pretty sick for the last few weeks.”
Kagome’s stomach turned as she looked down at the glass coffee table that separated them. “I see,” she said softly.
A long moment stretched between them before he spoke again. “He’s been asking for you,” Sesshoumaru said in a low voice.
Her heart leapt. “He has?”
She noticed the closed cast of his eyes when she looked up, and for a moment, she wondered…
“Yes,” he assured her. “He hasn’t taken your break-up in his usual confident stride.”
Kagome’s mouth quirked in a wry smile. “Did we break up?” she muttered.
Sesshoumaru leaned forward then, gazing at her intently. “Did you?”
Kagome inhaled sharply as she felt the intensity of his scrutiny, her body growing warm as her mind supplied the visceral memory of his arms wrapped around her in soft, silent comfort. She felt the traitorous flush of warmth against the back of her neck as her eyes moved across his features, redrawing the fine shape of his nose, his cheeks, the contours of his mouth. For a moment, she was arrested with curiosity, wondering what his kiss would taste like.
Oh, God, no, she silently berated herself, closing her eyes against the images in her mind. I’m not here for that. I’m here for Inuyasha. Boyfriend, remember? Boyfriend…and brother.
She released her breath in a shuddering sigh, gathering her wits about her, facing her one-time confidant again. “I guess it’s time to find out.” She paused, searching for a way to break the illicit tension that brewed between them. “Can I see him?”
Sesshoumaru nodded slightly. “Of course,” he replied, standing up. She followed suit, albeit rather abruptly, and quickly followed him from the room. As they climbed the stairs to Inuyasha’s room, she found herself staring down at his hands, the urge to touch him once again clawing up within her from some deep, primal place.
She found she didn’t have the wherewithal to resist, slipping her hand in his as they continued on. She felt him stiffen with surprise – which was to be expected, considering his general revulsion of being touched – then relax a bit, closing his fingers around hers, allowing her heart to return to its normal pace.
They approached the sick room on silent feet. Sesshoumaru gave her hand a final squeeze as he knocked softly on the door, opening it to inform the occupants of her arrival. There was a quarrel of some sort; after a moment, both of Inuyasha’s parents came out.
“He wants to speak with you alone,” his mother said, giving her an encouraging smile.
“Thanks,” Kagome whispered, gliding into the room and closing the door softly.
Inuyasha was lying in his bed, looking quite small against the mountain of blankets and cushions. His skin was pale, his silvery hair dull as it splayed across his pillow, but his smile was bright as he gazed up at her. “You came,” he said, struggling to push himself upright.
She moved forward quickly, bracing his shoulders, and he stopped moving as her hair brushed against his cheek. “Thanks,” he said softly, touching the long black locks as he settled back.
She sat next to him on the bed, curling her feet under herself as she regarded him. He looked absolutely horrible, thin and sickly, breathing heavily. His eyes, a deeper amber than his brother’s, were rimmed with red and encompassed by dark circles. What sort of illness he suffered from was truly a mystery; it seemed to take on symptoms of chronic fatigue, blood cancers, and various wasting diseases.
It broke her heart to see him like this, when it was only a few short months ago that he was so healthy and energetic…
He sighed, tipping his head back to look upward. “Kagome, I’m sorry,” he said simply. “For…everything.”
She could only stare at him, her emotions tumbling around her head and her heart. It was obvious that this strain in their relationship had taken an emotional toll on him, maybe even worse than it had on her. Her heart swelled with love for him, but at the same time, she couldn’t ignore the raw hurt of being pushed away when she needed him the most.
Could she truly forgive him for that?
Tears trickled silently over his cheeks, his gaze still cast at the ceiling. “I’ve made your life a living hell, and for that, I am truly sorry,” he choked out. “I’ve thought of nothing else since that day, and it’s just tortured me.” Slowly, his eyes lowered to hers, the bereavement obvious in his expression. “I don’t know if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, or not, but just…please know…I love you, and I’m sorry.”
“Oh, Inuyasha,” she said, sweeping her arms around his shoulders, embracing him as tightly as she dared. Her heart broke all over again to look at him like this, and a flood of compassion overwhelmed her. He was so vulnerable and sad in this moment, just as she had been that harsh, wintry day. She knew how he felt, and she knew how much he needed her.
But Sesshoumaru…
She felt Inuyasha’s hands on her back as he returned her embrace.
He was there for me when no one else was…
“Do you forgive me?” Inuyasha whispered brokenly, his breath warm on her ear.
I owe him so much…
She felt the warmth of his tears on her cheek, the shuddering, constricted heaving of his chest, and she couldn’t deny him. “Yes,” she sighed, reaching out to touch an errant strand of his hair, which lay beside her. “On one condition.”
“What’s that?” he asked, looking at her closely as she pulled away from him.
She smiled tenderly, brushing her fingers along the feverish skin of his temple. “Don’t ever do this again.”
His relief was palpable; his eyes blinked rapidly as more tears coursed over his cheeks. “Never,” he vowed, grasping her hand to his chest, covering his heart. “I’ll never hurt you again, I promise.”
Had she done the right thing?
She closed her eyes against the wayward thought, concentrating on the feel of his hand in hers. Yes. She loved him. She believed whole-heartedly in his professed self-torture about hurting her. She was an intensely loyal person. Everyone deserved a second chance.
Even so, she couldn’t help but dread his heady promises; he’d said the same sweet things to her when they first became serious. The first time he told her he loved her was the first time she slept with him, swept away in the romance and intensity of the moment…and look at where that had left her.
No doubt, he would hurt her again in the future; he could be as brash and tactless as she could be (over)sensitive. Would she be able to forgive him again, or would it be the straw that broke the camel’s back?
He was finally asleep, his grip on her hand finally loose enough that she could withdraw, stand up, leave the room quietly and not disturb him. She closed the door slowly, easing it into the frame without a sound, before turning.
“Oh!”
Sesshoumaru stood opposite her, appearing casual to the unknowing observer, his arms crossed lightly over his chest. He gazed at her impassively, no sign of his thoughts or emotions crossing his face.
“You were in there for a long time,” he remarked.
Kagome felt her heart pick up speed. She clutched the knob of the door. “Were you waiting for me?”
His shoulders dropped in a half-shrug. “No.”
Kagome swallowed convulsively as she regarded him, treacherous emotions swirling around in her heart and in her mind. If she was anything approaching logical about this whole situation, it was he that deserved her devotion, not his disingenuous brother. He didn’t judge her. He didn’t put expectations or limitations on her.
If she was honest with herself – and considering everything she’d been through with Inuyasha, as well as with Sesshoumaru – she knew, deep down, that the one standing before her now was the only one who had enough of her to completely break her heart. He had seen her at her lowest, at her absolute worst; if he was truly as cold and vindictive as he wanted everyone else to believe, he could hurt her with one turn of phrase.
The fact that he was interested in no such thing…
“So you forgave him,” he stated, breaking into her thoughts. He didn’t appear surprised, or upset, or happy.
She nodded, something akin to remorse coursing over her nerves. “Do you think I made a mistake?” she asked quietly, looking him square in the eye.
He was silent for a moment before responding. She didn’t catch the reflected light of his eyes; she wouldn’t recognize the fleeting softening of his expression or its meaning for another eight years.
“No,” he finally said with a slight shake of his head. “You did the right thing.”
Want to see the ultimate author’s notes for this piece? Visit me at LJ! Explanations, clarifications, spoilers available!
Disclaimer: The Inuyasha concept, story, and characters are copyright Rumiko Takahashi and Viz Media.
His actions confused her.
She had learned a painful life lesson that harsh, wintry day, and yet, she wasn’t quite sure what conclusion she was supposed to be drawing from it. The inactions of the one she loved, the surprising actions of the one who loved no one: it was a formula for deep conflict, one from which she had not yet teased an answer.
As she stood on the sidewalk, facing the school campus, her gut twisted with realization: she would have to make a choice between them. Could she forgive him for his reaction and take him back, or did she put herself out on a limb, prostrate herself before the only one who had enough of her to break her heart?
She didn’t know. She could only hope, whatever her decision, that she wasn’t making the biggest mistake of her life.
~*~
Kagome plastered a smile on her face as she moved forward, reaching out for the front door of the school. It was spring semester, her final few months as a junior. Cram school would start in earnest in the summer; then came the endless rounds of entrance exams and university program choices. She should enjoy these relatively stress-free months, and yet…“Kagome!” A trio of breathless voices met her as she climbed the steps of the school.
Smile still in place, she turned to face her band of best girlfriends. Earnest, eager grins greeted her, and her heart began to pump a bit faster. No doubt they had all had wonderful winter vacations, spending time with their families over the holidays, or venturing off to exotic locales for expensive ski trips.
Certainly, none of them had been isolated from their parents, or spent the day after Christmas weeping in an abortion clinic.
The girls chattered aimlessly, swapping stories of time spent away, catching up on the latest gossip from school. Kagome only listened with half an ear as the now-familiar wave of discomfort settled over her, memories of that horrible day assailing her.
“Listen, Kagome… I wanted to ask you something,” Ayumi said, interrupting her reverie. She exchanged curious glances with Yuka and Eri before continuing. “Did something happen to you over break?”
Kagome’s heart seized in her chest. How could they know? she wondered, thoughts piling over each other as she stared back at them. “What do you mean?” she finally sputtered, her mask of calm dissolving a bit.
Ayumi’s eyes searched her face. “You seem so sad,” she said, squeezing her friend’s hand. “Did you have a fight with Inuyasha?”
Kagome cast her eyes downward. “Sort of,” she mumbled, not really wanting to contemplate the rift in their relationship.
Eri heaved an annoyed sigh. “Well, whatever he did, forgive him,” she advised, leaning forward in a conspiratorial manner. “A guy like that doesn’t come around very often!”
Kagome gave her friends a wan smile. Could you really forgive someone who left you hanging like that? she mused silently as she gazed at each one in turn. Don’t you know how badly he hurt me by pushing me away when I needed him the most?
Of course they didn’t: their feelings about him clouded their judgment. He wasn’t in school very often, due to his mysterious bouts of illnesses, but when he was there, he absolutely livened the room with his wit and charm. Half the female population of their class would readily confess to a crush on him, if they thought it would get them anywhere.
She didn’t begrudge her friends their feelings; she felt the exact same way about him, obviously, and was flattered beyond belief when he decided to pursue her over everyone else, considering the available candidates. The more she got to know him, the better she understood him, and the more she opened herself up to him. That was love, wasn’t it? She was in love with him, wasn’t she?
Yuka gave Eri a hard look as she reached forward to offer her own empathy. “If you two did have some sort of fight, that doesn’t mean you have to be the one doing the forgiving,” she said firmly, patting Kagome on the shoulder. “But it’s obvious something happened, by the look on your face. You should at least talk to him.”
Ayumi nodded. “It’s eating you up, and that’s not good,” she added.
If only you knew, Kagome thought with a wry smile. Instead of spending her precious school-free days with her family and friends, she’d been in bed recovering from an operation and wondering just exactly where she stood in the lives of a few very important people. Not exactly thoughts associated with holiday cheer.
She squared her shoulders. “I’m sure we’ll work it out,” she promised them, forcing her lips up into another smile. “Don’t worry about it.”
Yuka and Eri appeared satisfied with her answer, but Ayumi gave her a knowing glance and another squeeze of the hand, before they were swept into the crowd of returning students.
~*~
Rumors assailed her in those first few days back; it was nothing if not interesting to hear her love life being discussed by her classmates. She was not comfortable, at all, being the object of so much speculation, and to that end, she avoided most of her peers. It wasn’t terribly hard; when she walked into a class, the room went silent; when she approached her friends, they quickly changed the subject.Luckily, the general gossip was far, far off the mark. Instead of the shameful and potentially reputation-ruining talk of sex and abortion, it was the more run-of-the-mill discussion of cheating and roving eyes. Some girls were only too happy to spread rumors of being the one responsible for breaking up the ‘unlikely’ couple –fiery admissions borne of jealousy, stemming back to the beginning of the year when he began his single-minded pursuit of her.
She had other things on her mind, at any rate: it seemed Inuyasha himself had not returned to school this semester, which only fueled the rumor mill fires. It made her position harder than she expected; on one hand, she was relieved to not have to face him in such a public arena. On the other hand…despite the absolute hell he’d put her through, she couldn’t help but worry about him. His health was so very fragile; maybe he had been just as affected by this situation as she, even though it was mostly his fault.
Her personal turmoil only heightened any time she glimpsed Sesshoumaru in the halls. He seemed completely unshaken by the events of winter vacation, walking through the sea of classmates with his usual impassive, composed self. She hadn’t really had a chance to talk to him since that awful day, when he’d accompanied her to the clinic. That would require going to his house, which would require seeing his brother…just, no.
She wasn’t ready to face Inuyasha quite yet, and she didn’t know what she could say to Sesshoumaru to justify her feelings of thankfulness and gratefulness for his quiet, non-judgmental actions.
She stood at her locker one day, staring after him as he passed her in the hall. Why did you act like that? she wondered to herself, following his silvery head as it disappeared around the corner.
It was completely out of his character, or at least of the one he presented to the world. She’d heard of his reputation long before she started dating his brother, just like everyone else: a cold, heartless, selfish bastard who could show no more emotion than a block of wood, even in the tensest of situations. Some people admired that quality in him, but most people found him arrogant and aloof, worthy of only their resentment.
She was surprised and pleased to find a different side to him as her relationship with Inuyasha began to pick up steam. She was often a guest at their house – his mother was the nicest lady alive, in Kagome’s estimation – and when she was there, she struck up conversations with Sesshoumaru on the most unlikely of topics. She got the feeling, early on, that he was merely bored, talking to her out of latent curiosity, trying to figure out what she saw in his brother. She wasn’t intimidated by him in the least, and he seemed to appreciate her candor. As time went on, their conversations grew more spontaneous and relaxed, and he was acting like a normal friend around her – at least, in this private setting.
They didn’t often see each other at school; when they did cross paths, they didn’t do much more than acknowledge each others’ existence.
So it was odd to her when he sought her out one day after class, warning her in his usual blunt fashion that his brother was up to no good, sneaking around behind her back. She blew up at him unnecessarily for confirming her worst suspicions; only later did she learn that she was already pregnant during that stressful conversation, which probably contributed to her overblown emotions.
What was not odd, however, was that he was the only person in her world who did not pass judgment on her when she revealed her pregnancy. Passing judgment on friends wasn’t his style, it seemed, a refreshing change from everyone else – her family, his family, and even Inuyasha himself – who didn’t fail to tell her, overtly or not, what a huge mistake she had made, and how she’d just ruined not only her life, but precious, fragile Inuyasha’s.
How strange, it seemed now, that he of all people was the only one she could turn to in her darkest, loneliest hour. They held mutual respect and regard for each other; he agreed without hesitation to help her deal with her pregnancy, no matter what her decision was. He was the one who took her to the clinic, who held her hand the entire time, who let her moan and sob all over him when it was over. She would be forever grateful to him for that; he hated to be embraced in any form, and yet…she clung to him for dear life for half that day, garnering no complaint from him.
She didn’t know how to feel about him now. In that moment, their lives became forever entwined. She had never felt closer to another human being, but at the same time, she’d never felt more alone in her entire life. No matter what he did, no matter how much comfort he offered her (and it was a lot, by his standards), he could never truly take away her sorrow.
And yet, it was him who supported her, who did everything she had expected of her boyfriend, considering the situation. But – he was not her boyfriend. He wasn’t even one of her best, closest, lifelong friends.
So, why? Why did he do it? Did it mean he cared for her in some way beyond friendship?
Did these mixed up emotions that his actions inspired in her mean…she felt the same way?
What then, of her fractured relationship with Inuyasha? Didn’t she love him as well? Didn’t her current state of worry and fear prove that?
The whispers of his health were only growing worse as time passed. One week…two weeks…he still wasn’t back.
That couldn’t be good.
It seemed the time had come to confront this situation – whether she was ready to face it or not.
~*~
Kagome pressed the doorbell, taking a step back as she waited. Please, let his mother answer the door, she pleaded as she looked straight ahead, her heart beating wildly in her chest. She could hear the muffled sound of footsteps approaching from inside the house. Please…please…let it be anybody but him…Her gaze met golden eyes as the door was opened. “Kagome,” Sesshoumaru greeted her.
Her mouth went dry as she stared up at him, blood rushing through her veins. “Sesshoumaru,” she returned.
They stared at each other for a long moment, before he finally pulled the door open far enough for her to enter the house. “Come in,” he invited, motioning her in with a sweep of his arm. “I’m glad you came by.”
Kagome bit her lip as she shrugged out of her shoes. “You are?” she asked, struggling to control the rise of her voice. For some reason, the bland statement made her giddily happy.
“Hm,” he replied, leading her from the foyer to the front family room, which was decorated with his mother’s impeccable taste. This was one of Kagome’s favorite rooms; it was so warm and inviting, and at the same time, calming. She sank down onto the plush sofa with a grateful sigh.
“Are your parents here?” she asked, watching as he eased down into a chair opposite her.
He exhaled heavily, rubbing his face with his hands. “They’re upstairs with Inuyasha,” he replied.
That immediately put Kagome on alert. “Is he okay?” she questioned, leaning forward. Oh, God, don’t let me be too late…
Sesshoumaru eyed her with a tired but calculated stare. “As well as can be expected, I suppose,” he drawled. “He’s been pretty sick for the last few weeks.”
Kagome’s stomach turned as she looked down at the glass coffee table that separated them. “I see,” she said softly.
A long moment stretched between them before he spoke again. “He’s been asking for you,” Sesshoumaru said in a low voice.
Her heart leapt. “He has?”
She noticed the closed cast of his eyes when she looked up, and for a moment, she wondered…
“Yes,” he assured her. “He hasn’t taken your break-up in his usual confident stride.”
Kagome’s mouth quirked in a wry smile. “Did we break up?” she muttered.
Sesshoumaru leaned forward then, gazing at her intently. “Did you?”
Kagome inhaled sharply as she felt the intensity of his scrutiny, her body growing warm as her mind supplied the visceral memory of his arms wrapped around her in soft, silent comfort. She felt the traitorous flush of warmth against the back of her neck as her eyes moved across his features, redrawing the fine shape of his nose, his cheeks, the contours of his mouth. For a moment, she was arrested with curiosity, wondering what his kiss would taste like.
Oh, God, no, she silently berated herself, closing her eyes against the images in her mind. I’m not here for that. I’m here for Inuyasha. Boyfriend, remember? Boyfriend…and brother.
She released her breath in a shuddering sigh, gathering her wits about her, facing her one-time confidant again. “I guess it’s time to find out.” She paused, searching for a way to break the illicit tension that brewed between them. “Can I see him?”
Sesshoumaru nodded slightly. “Of course,” he replied, standing up. She followed suit, albeit rather abruptly, and quickly followed him from the room. As they climbed the stairs to Inuyasha’s room, she found herself staring down at his hands, the urge to touch him once again clawing up within her from some deep, primal place.
She found she didn’t have the wherewithal to resist, slipping her hand in his as they continued on. She felt him stiffen with surprise – which was to be expected, considering his general revulsion of being touched – then relax a bit, closing his fingers around hers, allowing her heart to return to its normal pace.
They approached the sick room on silent feet. Sesshoumaru gave her hand a final squeeze as he knocked softly on the door, opening it to inform the occupants of her arrival. There was a quarrel of some sort; after a moment, both of Inuyasha’s parents came out.
“He wants to speak with you alone,” his mother said, giving her an encouraging smile.
“Thanks,” Kagome whispered, gliding into the room and closing the door softly.
Inuyasha was lying in his bed, looking quite small against the mountain of blankets and cushions. His skin was pale, his silvery hair dull as it splayed across his pillow, but his smile was bright as he gazed up at her. “You came,” he said, struggling to push himself upright.
She moved forward quickly, bracing his shoulders, and he stopped moving as her hair brushed against his cheek. “Thanks,” he said softly, touching the long black locks as he settled back.
She sat next to him on the bed, curling her feet under herself as she regarded him. He looked absolutely horrible, thin and sickly, breathing heavily. His eyes, a deeper amber than his brother’s, were rimmed with red and encompassed by dark circles. What sort of illness he suffered from was truly a mystery; it seemed to take on symptoms of chronic fatigue, blood cancers, and various wasting diseases.
It broke her heart to see him like this, when it was only a few short months ago that he was so healthy and energetic…
He sighed, tipping his head back to look upward. “Kagome, I’m sorry,” he said simply. “For…everything.”
She could only stare at him, her emotions tumbling around her head and her heart. It was obvious that this strain in their relationship had taken an emotional toll on him, maybe even worse than it had on her. Her heart swelled with love for him, but at the same time, she couldn’t ignore the raw hurt of being pushed away when she needed him the most.
Could she truly forgive him for that?
Tears trickled silently over his cheeks, his gaze still cast at the ceiling. “I’ve made your life a living hell, and for that, I am truly sorry,” he choked out. “I’ve thought of nothing else since that day, and it’s just tortured me.” Slowly, his eyes lowered to hers, the bereavement obvious in his expression. “I don’t know if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, or not, but just…please know…I love you, and I’m sorry.”
“Oh, Inuyasha,” she said, sweeping her arms around his shoulders, embracing him as tightly as she dared. Her heart broke all over again to look at him like this, and a flood of compassion overwhelmed her. He was so vulnerable and sad in this moment, just as she had been that harsh, wintry day. She knew how he felt, and she knew how much he needed her.
But Sesshoumaru…
She felt Inuyasha’s hands on her back as he returned her embrace.
He was there for me when no one else was…
“Do you forgive me?” Inuyasha whispered brokenly, his breath warm on her ear.
I owe him so much…
She felt the warmth of his tears on her cheek, the shuddering, constricted heaving of his chest, and she couldn’t deny him. “Yes,” she sighed, reaching out to touch an errant strand of his hair, which lay beside her. “On one condition.”
“What’s that?” he asked, looking at her closely as she pulled away from him.
She smiled tenderly, brushing her fingers along the feverish skin of his temple. “Don’t ever do this again.”
His relief was palpable; his eyes blinked rapidly as more tears coursed over his cheeks. “Never,” he vowed, grasping her hand to his chest, covering his heart. “I’ll never hurt you again, I promise.”
~*~
She stayed with him until he fell into a fitful sleep, holding his hand and gazing down at him as he drifted off.Had she done the right thing?
She closed her eyes against the wayward thought, concentrating on the feel of his hand in hers. Yes. She loved him. She believed whole-heartedly in his professed self-torture about hurting her. She was an intensely loyal person. Everyone deserved a second chance.
Even so, she couldn’t help but dread his heady promises; he’d said the same sweet things to her when they first became serious. The first time he told her he loved her was the first time she slept with him, swept away in the romance and intensity of the moment…and look at where that had left her.
No doubt, he would hurt her again in the future; he could be as brash and tactless as she could be (over)sensitive. Would she be able to forgive him again, or would it be the straw that broke the camel’s back?
He was finally asleep, his grip on her hand finally loose enough that she could withdraw, stand up, leave the room quietly and not disturb him. She closed the door slowly, easing it into the frame without a sound, before turning.
“Oh!”
Sesshoumaru stood opposite her, appearing casual to the unknowing observer, his arms crossed lightly over his chest. He gazed at her impassively, no sign of his thoughts or emotions crossing his face.
“You were in there for a long time,” he remarked.
Kagome felt her heart pick up speed. She clutched the knob of the door. “Were you waiting for me?”
His shoulders dropped in a half-shrug. “No.”
Kagome swallowed convulsively as she regarded him, treacherous emotions swirling around in her heart and in her mind. If she was anything approaching logical about this whole situation, it was he that deserved her devotion, not his disingenuous brother. He didn’t judge her. He didn’t put expectations or limitations on her.
If she was honest with herself – and considering everything she’d been through with Inuyasha, as well as with Sesshoumaru – she knew, deep down, that the one standing before her now was the only one who had enough of her to completely break her heart. He had seen her at her lowest, at her absolute worst; if he was truly as cold and vindictive as he wanted everyone else to believe, he could hurt her with one turn of phrase.
The fact that he was interested in no such thing…
“So you forgave him,” he stated, breaking into her thoughts. He didn’t appear surprised, or upset, or happy.
She nodded, something akin to remorse coursing over her nerves. “Do you think I made a mistake?” she asked quietly, looking him square in the eye.
He was silent for a moment before responding. She didn’t catch the reflected light of his eyes; she wouldn’t recognize the fleeting softening of his expression or its meaning for another eight years.
“No,” he finally said with a slight shake of his head. “You did the right thing.”