InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ I Do ❯ Chapter 10

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

“I can’t do this anymore, Inu-yasha. I can’t.”

Kagome spoke in a voice that suggested she was dangerously near breaking down entirely. She spun around to face the extremely confused hanyou at her heels. Inu-yasha stopped mere inches away from her, tempted to reach out to her. He opened his mouth, as though about to speak, but the words caught in his throat when Kagome’s eyes met his.

Inu-yasha had seen Kagome angry. He had been “sat” enough times to know when he had said or done something that wasn’t to her liking. He had even frustrated her so much that he had sent her packing to her era for days at a time. But the cold apathy that seemed to emanate from the honey brown of her eyes was something Inu-yasha had never experienced in the years she had been at his side. He felt that he would’ve rather been sat a hundred times over than to have her look at him in such a way.

“Kagome…” He found his voice, finally, and was shocked when it came out to be little more than a whisper. “I didn’t mean - I never wanted - “ And suddenly, he was fumbling over the words he’d been replaying in his head only moments ago. Kagome threw up her hands in defeat, her eyes brimming with tears. “You didn’t mean what? Stop making promises you can’t keep, Inu-yasha. Sooner or later all of it’s going to come back on you, and what then?”

Inu-yasha watched as Kagome covered her eyes for a second, regaining what little composure she had. His heart beat frantically in his chest. Just what was she getting at? Inu-yasha took a step towards Kagome, but she stepped backwards. “Don’t touch me.” She snapped, vehemently, her hand dropping to her side. Inu-yasha had never heard Kagome use such a tone, and his mind blanked. A voice screamed within, warning him, worrying him. He took another step towards her, reaching his hand out to her hesitantly - and Kagome recoiled.

It was like an invisible hand had reached deep within his chest and taken hold of his heart, squeezing, and squeezing until it was too hard to breathe, too hard to think. Before he was aware of what he was doing, he had closed the distance between them, and his arms were firmly around her. “Don’t touch me.” Kagome was nearly screaming, over and over, struggling in his grip, beating his chest violently with her little fists. Inu-yasha tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear, gently, ignoring her protests. “I can’t let you go.” He murmured.

It was then that Kagome’s reserve finally broke. She stopped, looked up into his face, and broke into sobs. Inu-yasha held onto her as she shook him and clutched at him. “Kagome…I - “ Inu-yasha began, but Kagome shook her head. He closed his mouth, and then his eyes, as he pulled her closer to him, so tight that he could hardly breathe.

After a few moments, Kagome’s shaking subsided. And though the tears still fell steadily, they did so in silence. She pulled away slightly, Inu-yasha’s grip on her breaking easily. Kagome hugged herself slightly, backing away, and looked off into the distance thoughtfully. Slowly, she turned to face him. “You told her you’d give it back to her.” she said, so softly that even Inu-yasha hardly heard the words escape her lips.

The color faded from Inu-yasha’s face, and the words died within him. Kagome had heard him speaking with Kikyo, had seen him hold up the jewel - showing Kikyo what they had accomplished. And Kagome had heard Inu-yasha promise to help, promise to make things better. “You told her - you’d help her. With the jewel. You! You told her that!” Kagome was pointing at Inu-yasha with one delicate, shaking finger, “And now you’re doing this to me?! To everyone?! This isn’t your choice to make! You selfish, arrogant son of a - “ Inu-yasha took one more step toward Kagome, and she did the first thing that came to mind. She slapped him, as hard as she possibly could, across the face.

Inu-yasha’s head snapped to his right. Slowly, he brought his hand to touch the tender area on his cheek. “What about Sango’s wishes, or Miroku’s, or - or -.” Her voice cracked and broke. Inu-yasha gazed at Kagome calmly, the sting of his face nowhere near as painful as the ache that lay beneath his skin. There it was - that empty, apathetic gleam in her eye. The unspoken words hung in the air, heavy, painful - “Or my wishes.”

“Kagome - she helped, she helped defeat him.” Inu-yasha managed to sputter out. He realized he had said the wrong thing before she even spoke. “So did Sesshomaru, but I don’t see you offering the damn jewel to him!” Kagome retorted, her face screwed up in anger and frustration, her temper getting the best of her.

Inu-yasha felt like the clearing was spinning. Behind them stood the Bone-eater’s well, decayed with age, but still standing strong. For how many years had he come here to meet Kagome? How many times had he helped her with the climb, carried her (always) over-stuffed backpack? And what now, could he say? Yes, he had offered Kikyo the chance to live again - the chance to forget the events that Naraku brought about. But that didn’t mean that he, Inu-yasha, would so easily forget the things that had happened since. But how, how, could he convince Kagome that he didn’t know what he wanted anymore? That he wanted to make things right, wanted to pay his debt - but at the same time, wanted to be there, with her, Kagome.

“Kagome I - I need to pay this debt. I need to. I don’t have a fucking choice!” He spoke, finally, his frustration building up. “You don’t know what it’s like, to see her like that. A rotting corpse. I can change that, I can give her a new life - with this jewel I can - “

“Get back the life that was stolen from you both? Go ahead, do it.“ she half-turned away from Inu-yasha, hiding the look she knew must be in her eyes. “Forget me.” Kagome said, softly, and Inu-yasha could sense how near she was to breaking down once again, though her voice did not betray her. “I don’t need you! I never needed you!” She snapped, her voice steely with anger. She spun around and began walking quickly, furiously to the well. Inu-yasha watched in horror as she threw her bag into the pit, and made to follow it.

He raced towards her, grabbing her arm before she could maneuver herself into the well. “Kagome, no - give her a new life. With a new beginning.” Kagome’s eyes stung with tears and she fought hard to keep them from falling. Inu-yasha’s gaze was pleading. “I don’t believe you.” Kagome whispered, her voice hoarse, pained. And then she yelled it, pushing him back and away from her. “I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.”

She climbed off the ledge of the well. “I never could, you two-timing DOG. You’re a liar, Inu-yasha. This whole time you’ve gone back and forth and back and forth. AND I CAN’T DO THIS. I can’t stand waiting any more. I’ve waited for all these years. How can you ask me to wait any longer?!”

Inu-yasha struggled to think of something, anything, to say. He had asked so much of her, demanded so much - and now, what could he say? He had promised Kikyo, but somewhere along the line, he had promised Kagome as well. Somewhere between the quiet nights that they sat, looking up at the stars, and the battles in which they risked everything for one another, he had made a promise to Kagome.

Promises. Although he had made so few of them in his life,, the ones he had made, had left him sorely empty. He had promised Kikyo his life, his demon blood - his very soul. And Naraku had stolen the one chance they had to share their lives together - for Inu-yasha to become human, to live a normal life. And now, he realized, even the promise to help Kikyo was one he couldn’t fulfill without guilt, or pain.

“I can’t go back to her Kagome, I can’t give her the life that she and I missed out on.” Inu-yasha said, quietly. Kagome balled up her fists, bringing them to her chest, like a child in pain. “She sniffled quietly, her expression as pained as Inu-yasha felt. He gripped the finished jewel, walking towards Kagome slowly, searching for the right words to say. It’s alright, he wanted to scream, Kikyo and I - we can never live in that memory. It’s okay, he wanted to tell her, because I know now what I should’ve known years ago. I love you, his heart cried, and his mind fought to gain control. I need you. But he could never say it, could never tell her - he couldn’t even tell himself.

Regret is a powerful, powerful force.

“Stupid.” He said quietly, and Kagome met his eyes, the tears still staining her face, “I told you before, a million times, I need you here.” Kagome stood, her fists still clenched against her chest, and inhaled sharply. “Only when she’s not here to chose from.” she said, her eyes stinging and burning with tears she refused to let fall. Inu-yasha nearly winced at the comment. It was a low blow, but it was true - and Inu-yasha couldn’t deny that Kikyo crossed his mind nearly as much as Kagome. He couldn’t deny that he still loved that woman from fifty years ago. And yet - he couldn’t deny, was the way his heart skipped a beat when Kagome’s hand brushed his. Or the heart-wrenching pain he felt when he saw her cry. Or the jealousy boiling in the pit of his stomach when Kouga touched her, when Miroku flirted with her.

He loved Kikyo 50 years ago, still remembered the love, still felt it when he looked into her face - but it was nothing but a memory. One he had to learn to let go - no matter how hard the it would be to do so. It was a memory. A fleeting glimpse of a time long passed. A painting hung with love, but a painting nonetheless. Nothing real, no taste, or smell. Just an image - just a memory. You can’t kiss a memory, you can’t spend the rest of your life with a memory.

Inu-yasha gazed at Kagome, with piercing eyes. She was real. In that moment, it hit him harder than it ever had before. She was real, and there, and loved him - for him. No need to change. Just be there, for her, with her. That’s all. No strings attached. She had said before she liked him just how he was. He had never thought about the meaning behind it all before, and now - words were not enough, and only the meaning remained.

Inu-yasha stopped when he was near enough to embrace her again, and he continued to gaze into her eyes, his outer calm never revealing the feelings that ripped at him, some conscious, some not so cognizant. And then, Kagome took a step towards him, her fists lowering, unclenching.

He flinched, when Kagome hugged him. And he felt his own heart break, when she spoke.

“I waited years, Inu-yasha - years for you to see. And now? It’s too late.” She whispered, “I’m going home. If you really care about me, if you could ever really - really love me - then don’t follow me. Please.” She was pleading, and his vision was blurry all of sudden. “Please, Inu-yasha.”

And then, she was gone.

Neither had spoke since Kagome had asked her question, and received her silent reply. Inu-yasha continued to stare out the window replaying the day she had left over and over in his mind - and using every ounce of self-restraint not to speak. He wondered if Kagome had ever even thought about him, before he had showed up at her door. He wondered if she still hated him, if she still thought she was better off with him out of his life. It was all he took to not explode with an endless assault of questions.

He had respected her wishes, for twelve agonizing months. He hadn’t followed her. He had let her go. And somehow, he felt that listening to her in those final moments had been the worst mistake he had made that day. He had cared about her, more so than she could ever know- and he should’ve followed her whether or not she had wanted him to. He could’ve changed things that day, could’ve prevented all the miserable days and nights that followed Kagome’s departure.

But, he hadn’t.

Kikyo had still been alive, then. Breathing, speaking - living. Or, rather, living whatever semblance of life she had been granted. For Inu-yasha, the realization of helplessness was the most frustrating thing of all, when it came to Kikyo. And because of her, he had let the best thing he’d ever had walk out of his life. But Kikyo was gone now, Inu-yasha reminded himself painfully. He sighed, a little too loudly, and accidentally drew Kagome’s attention.

She had been shooting him strange looks since the gas station, and Inu-yasha dutifully pretended not to notice. He wanted desperately to talk, to yell and argue - to do something other than sit there in the heavy, impregnable silence. Kagome seemed determined to act as if he didn’t exist, which only furthered his frustration. A few times, he opened his mouth - seriously considering asking her flat out why the hell she was suddenly so quiet, when she didn’t seem to ever wanna shut up before. However, he always caught himself at the last minute. He was remotely proud that in the year they’d been apart, he’d learned the value of silence - and the ability to keep his mouth shut to ensure said silence.

Luckily for him and his short temper - Kagome decided at that precise moment that he did in fact exist, and that there was no longer any point in denying it to herself. “Where are you staying tonight?” She asked, glancing at Inu-yasha in a way that suggested she was in no mood for beating around the bush. The hanyou shrugged, afraid that if he spoke - he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from asking the questions he had wanted to ask for so long.

“Well, that doesn’t exactly help.” Kagome replied, impatiently. Inu-yasha scowled at her. “Well, maybe I don’t wanna help.” He said, his impatient tone matching hers. Kagome sniffled a bit, and refused to look at Inu-yasha, despite his flow of crude comments and ominous scowl.

“Kagome! Are you even listening to me?!” Inu-yasha demanded angrily, turning his head to glare at the young woman. “Listen, Inu-yasha, wherever you’re staying now - you can’t keep staying there. It’s only a matter of time before someone discovers who - what - you are.” She snapped. Inu-yasha crossed his arms across his chest

“Well, Souta and your mom are perfectly aware of what I am.” He said, bad-temperedly. Kagome’s eye’s widened. “So you are getting help from Souta! I knew it!” Her impatience forgotten, Kagome grimaced. “Boy is that little runt gonna get it when I get home…”

Inu-yasha shook his head. “It was either he help me or I show up dressed - well, how I normally dress.” He said, a trace of embarrassment in his voice. He wasn’t one to seek help, no matter the problem at hand - and he never had been. Kagome realized just how much he had humbled himself to find her, and to look presentable when he did so. In spite of herself, she was touched by his actions, and her features softened when she glanced sidelong at him.

Inu-yasha noticed the change in her face, and was startled slightly. His frown slid from his face to be replaced with a rather baffled expression. “Well, I can’t let you stay there anyway.” Kagome said, after a moment, and Inu-yasha was even more perplexed. “Why?” He asked, dumbly. Kagome shot him a look that clearly said don’t be so thick.

“Because, Inu-yasha. You can’t keep burdening Mom and Gramps, and I don’t want Sota getting any crazy ideas.” She answered, wondering silently if she could help herself from getting any crazy ideas - let alone her younger brother. Inu-yasha watched her as she fell silent and thought to himself how strange that she should be acting as though not a day had passed between them.

“What about Kei?” Inu-yasha raised his eyebrows quizzically.

“Hm, I guess it would only make sense that Souta would tell you all about him too, right?” Kagome asked, mostly to herself, ignoring Inu-yasha‘s initial question. And then, suddenly - “It’s - it’s been a long time, Inu-yasha.” She was suddenly meek, whatever anger and irritation she had possessed gone.

The hanyou gazed at her, emotion playing across his face like the moonlight passing through the windows. The sudden urge to explain himself gripped him. He need to explain why he hadn’t followed her all those days ago, explain why he had always been forced to choose, explain - everything. He opened his mouth, about to let his self-control break - but Kagome turned away from him, gazing straight ahead distractedly. It was almost as though she expected it, but Inu-yasha didn’t care. He swallowed hard, and decided it was now or never.

“I didn’t follow you.” Inu-yasha said, slowly, as though tasting the phrase, turning it over in his mouth. Kagome blinked, glancing at him almost painfully. “I should’ve, but - I didn’t.” From the look on her face, Inu-yasha knew Kagome was caught between frustration and uncomfortable guilt. She had said not to follow, but she had expected something else.

Inu-yasha slammed his fist on the dashboard, eyes blazing. “Damn it, Kagome, you told me not to follow. And I listened. I listened!” He blurted out, annoyed by the strange gleam in her eyes, aggravated by the way the light caught her hair - frustrated by how desperately he wanted to reach out and touch her. But he couldn’t - not anymore.

“I thought you’d follow.” Kagome responded quietly, and Inu-yasha found no words, after that. He knew it, of course. But somehow, her saying it, brown eyes filled with strange memories and uncertain feelings, seemed to destroy any thought of him explaining himself further.

As Kagome stared pointedly at the road ahead of her, Inu-yasha turned back to the window. He finally knew the meaning of the phrase “when words run dry” as he gazed, in stunned silence, towards the approaching city of Tokyo.

“You‘re my cousin, you‘re from the United States. You‘re twenty-three. Got it?” Kagome reminded him, for the millionth time since they had got out of the car. The hanyou nodded with another perfectly placed scowl. “Are you sure?” she pressed him, and Inu-yasha glared at her. “Yes.” He replied, through gritted teeth. Kagome smiled innocently. Inu-yasha rolled his eyes.

The hanyou had been mentally preparing himself for meeting Kei, for spending time around him - for even seeing Kagome kiss him. But somehow all the psychological self- training didn’t prevent him from feeling the full force of his envy crash on him when they entered the apartment. Kei immediately came up to Kagome, expressing his worry that she had been gone all day without calling, and planting a kiss firmly on her mouth.

Seeing that, Inu-yasha told himself he could easily tear the human to shreds - and flexed his trimmed claws (which had already re-grown to at least two thirds of their normal size). It was all he took not to attempt it - and prove himself right.

“Kei, this is Inu-yasha.” Kagome made eye contact with Inu-yasha, silently warning him to behave himself. Inu-yasha extended a hand, politely, just as Kagome had taught him years ago (not that he often required manners in the feudal era). Kei shook it, with a grip that he obviously thought was intimidating. Inu-yasha almost snorted aloud. “Nice to meet you.” Kei said, with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Inu-yasha didn’t smile, and merely nodded.

“He’s my cousin, on my dad’s side. From America.” Kagome added, smiling encouragingly at her fiance. Kei looked from Kagome to Inu-yasha, curiously. “He doesn’t look American. And that’s a strange name.” He pointed out, as though he had come to some amazingly difficult conclusion. Kagome almost rolled her eyes at his tone. She opened her mouth to make up an excuse, but Inu-yasha beat her to it.

“I was born in Japan, I moved to the United States when I was a kid.” He shot back coolly, and Kagome was silently impressed. For someone who hadn‘t even known the country existed, he sure was nonchalant about mentioning it. Kei half-smiled, “Oh, I see. And I guess your mom had a thing for weird names?” Inu-yasha laughed as a courtesy, despite the insult to his ego. Kagome sighed inwardly, relaxing a bit now that she was certain Inu-yasha wouldn’t explode.

“So, Kagome, care to help me make some tea for our guest?” Kei said, wrapping his arm around Kagome’s waist and bringing her into the kitchenette with him. Inu-yasha took a seat on the couch, awkwardly. Ears twitching beneath the fabric of his bandana, Inu-yasha listened.

“Hand me that. Yes, I know he’s not going to be here for long, Kei. He’ll be gone before you get back.” Kagome assured Kei, frowning as he more or less chucked the box of tea-bags at her. Kei may not have ever laid a hand on her before, but he did have quite a temper nonetheless.

“Kagome, it’s Sunday night. Do you know what that means?” Kei seemed to be pleading with Kagome as he filled the pot with water, and turned on the stove. “It means tonight is our last night alone - before my business trip. And, well.” Inu-yasha’s ears pressed up, poking against the bandana, straining to hear. Kei moved towards Kagome, pinning her up against the counter.

Inu-yasha could hear Kagome’s sharp intake of breath, could sense the sudden peak of emotion as Kei kissed Kagome, fervidly. Inu-yasha was on his feet in a second. He crossed the space between the kitchenette and the living room, walking into the scene with mock surprise, determined to break it up.

“Oh!” Kagome exclaimed, and her face went several shades of red before she blanched at the expression Inu-yasha wore. His entire visage screamed “predator“. Kagome was suddenly reminded of what Inu-yasha truly was - a dog demon (albeit half of one). And for a fraction of a second - she was afraid that he would kill Kei right then and there.

Kei pulled away, but didn’t seem abashed. Obviously, he was blind to the murderous expression coloring Inu-yasha’s features - and laughed. “Sorry, long business trips, you know how it goes.” Kei said, a cocky smile hitched on his flawless face. Inu-yasha suppressed a growl deep in his chest. Kagome looked at him pleadingly.

“Kagome, when you’re finished with the tea, I‘ll be taking a shower.” Kei called over his shoulder as he made his way past Inu-yasha, down the hall and into the bedroom.

Kagome frowned at the fuming hanyou standing in her kitchenette. “Inu-yasha. Go - um, take a seat?” She suggested, a hint of begging in her tone. Inu-yasha appreciated that she hadn’t told him to go “sit” down - and test out the beads for the first time in a year. Kagome turned off the stove, poured the steaming water into the three mugs that Kei had prepared, then she looked over at Inu-yasha and nodded in the direction of the couch.

Still livid, he sat Indian-style on the couch, and attempted to tuck his hands into his sleeves - before realizing he was wearing a short-sleeved shirt. Kagome stifled a laugh as she headed for the bedroom. “Sit normal” she mouthed at him, and he scowled, dropping his arms, and adjusting his legs so that he sat as she had instructed him to do so at the café. He glanced around the fairly large apartment, curious despite his newly acquired foul mood.

Inu-yasha glanced towards the sliding glass doors, and for the first time Inu-yasha realized just how far up they were. He had been coaxed into the elevator by the Kagome, and she had kept him distracted by the ride. Silently, he knew he would‘ve been a lot more comfortable simply leaping from balcony to balcony until they reached her apartment. For a moment, Inu-yasha considered going out and looking at the view, but at that precise moment, Kagome appeared, looking flustered. There was a slight blush on the apples of her cheeks. Inu-yasha’s curious expression was gone instantly, scowl back in place as he got to his feet. “Did he touch you again?” He growled, not bothering to hide his jealousy. Kagome frowned.

“Inu-yasha, cut it out. Can’t you behave for just one night? He’ll be gone tomorrow.” She shot back, giving Inu-yasha a waning glare. He glared right back. “I’ve got really good hearing, Kagome. Don’t forget that.” He reminded her, threateningly. Kagome rolled her eyes. “Go ahead and listen.” She snapped, surprised at her own boldness.

Maybe Kei’s kiss wasn’t as deep, maybe his embraces were nowhere near as warm or comforting, but the jealousy that Kei evoked in Inu-yasha was more than flattering.

Inu-yasha fell into silent shock, plopping down on the couch. He stared at Kagome, a wounded expression on his face. Would she really - ? “Inu-yasha, I was kidding.” She said, exasperatedly. “Pfft. You go have fun with him.” He replied, moodily. Kagome surprised Inu-yasha but sitting beside him, and wrapping her arms around him. She buried her face in his shoulder and laughed a little. He could smell her hair, her skin - and in an instant, his anger and jealousy had melted away. Her laughter tickled him, and he struggled to breath correctly her arms snaked around him.

“I’ve missed you, Inu-yasha. Bad moods and all.” She said, pulling away from him, and smiling gently. Inu-yasha sighed silently at the sudden loss of her warmth. She continued to smile, and Inu-yasha reluctantly helped her lay out the sheet over the couch. She handed him a blanket and a pillow, before realizing belatedly that she had left the tea out. She headed into the kitchen, and Inu-yasha followed her silently.

“Oh, it’s cold.” She said absently. She turned around and nearly screamed when she realized that Inu-yasha was behind her. Kagome’s hands were wrapped around one of the mugs, and Inu-yasha wrapped his hands around hers. “I didn’t want it anyway.” He said, his voice quiet, and his eyes bright, almost glowing, in the pale light that spread from the lamp in the living room.

“Well, is there anything you want before I go to bed?” Kagome asked, innocent to the implications of her question. Inu-yasha removed his hands from around hers, and turned away. Eyes narrowed, and heart beating madly in his chest.

“Just one thing.” He replied so quietly that he wasn‘t sure Kagome had heard him in the first place. He came back into the living room, and laid down on the couch. He heard Kagome empty the mugs, and dispose of the tea bags. She paused when she reached the living room, and took a deep breath. “Goodnight. Inu-yasha.” She said, gently. Ad then she was making her way down the hall, to share a bed with Kei.

Inu-yasha felt the jealousy boil his insides as he lay on his back, staring up at the textured ceiling. A pang of loneliness mingled with the jealousy, and he prepared for yet another sleepless night.

Ree: Longest chapter yet. Woo. It’s been a few days since I last updated, and I can only suggest that we all band together and beat up the person who invented satellite internet - because it sucks. A lot. And prevents me from updating as quickly as I’d like to - sad face - Hope you liked the chappy, though!