InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Many Thoughts ❯ Many Thoughts ( Chapter 1 )

Kagome

So, I am new to the Inu Yasha fanfiction thing, but I'm hoping this will be an entrance with a bang. If you're reading this, be aware that I am referring to events that occur in the manga, not necessarily in the anime. Also, be aware that the events I am referring to occur in volume 32 of the manga. I know in the states it is only translated to volume 13 at this time. If you do not want spoilers, do NOT read this. If you want to get caught up, you can go to http://www.wot-club.org.uk/Inuyasha/ It is a WONDERFUL website that translates the episodes as Rumiko writes them for Shonen Sunday!! {worships the ground the translator walks upon}

This will be a three part series. I'm basically keeping true to the manga, up to the point this story takes place, from then on, I'm letting my imagination have fun.

Ok, here we go: I do not own Inu Yasha, I do not own Kagome, I definitely do not own Kikyo, nor would I WANT to. Ok, I don't hate her … but, come on, anyone can tell where the story's going!!!

Many Thoughts

Chapter 1

'God, I am such an idiot. I can't do anything right.' Kagome sat on a rock and clung to her legs. It somehow felt safer to be curled up into a little ball. Like she was hiding from the world, hiding from the reality of what she had done.

'Why didn't I just ... just ... what? Let her die? Sure Kagome, you could do that and live with yourself.' Her fingernails dug into her legs in the hopes that physical pain might somehow dim the emotional assault she was waging on herself.

It would have been so easy. All she'd had to do was walk away. No one would have blamed her. No one would have looked at her accusingly. No one would have even known probably. Except...

'Except me and her.' That was the sticking point. That's what it all came down to. She couldn't do it. It wasn't in her to leave someone suffering. No matter who that person was, or what it might mean to her future. No matter what it might mean to her heart. She was different. She couldn't let anyone suffer, couldn't let anyone die if she could prevent it. It didn't matter who they were. It didn't matter what it meant to her. The only deaths she felt were tolerable were those of the demons who attacked them.

Especially Naraku. The longer Naraku lived, the more innocent lives were lost. The sooner he was gone, the better in Kagome's mind. And yet ... 'She gave him the shikon shards. Why? Doesn't she realize by giving him that power ... how many more innocents would die? What is she thinking? How could she do it?'

She pressed her forehead tighter into her knees, hoping that maybe she could push out the headache that had decided to join the fun going on in her head.

Kagome laughed softly to herself, 'She would have left me there. I know she would have. She would have left me there to die slowly, painfully. She would have left me there so Inu Yasha would ... forget ...' A sob stuck in her throat. 'Forget what? I mean, it's not like I'm in her way. He loves her. Yeah, we're close ... but ... I know it's her. Every time I ask about her, every time he sees her, he evades me. I never get a straight answer. That's answer enough I guess.'

Kagome groaned and tried to bury herself deeper in her ball of self-pity. `Why would he even want to be around me after what I said to him? God … I can't believe I lashed out at him like that. It wasn't fair to him.'

Kagome laughed self-depreciatingly. `Well, it's not as if he didn't have it coming. I mean …'

She sighed softly. `What am I saying? He didn't deserve to be yelled at, didn't deserve me screaming that I hated him … especially when it's the farthest thing from the truth.'

The breeze toyed with her hair as she sat, feeling the warmth of the setting sun on her back. Any other day, she would have been watching the sunset with delight, but today … all she wanted to do was sink into a hole. `Course, I'm probably one of the few people in either world that can actually do that.' She laughed to herself shaking her head. Then, she shrank into herself again. `This'd probably be one of the few times Inu Yasha wouldn't give me a hard time about leaving. He might even be glad to see me go …' Kagome clenched her eyes shut tightly trying to stop the tears from falling again. `Why? Why did it have to be him? Why couldn't I …' She took a deep breath, it was still hard for her to admit it, even to herself. `Why couldn't I fall in love with someone who wasn't already attached? No, that's not fair. It wasn't his fault she was resurrected. What happened 50 years ago wasn't his fault.

Kagome turned her head to the side to watch the setting sun and shivered slightly as the sun sank below the horizon. `I can't change how I feel about him, but I also can't make him choose me, choose life. He has to choose for himself, and with each of his encounters with her, I feel like he slips away a little further, distances himself a little more. It takes me a little longer to get things right between us again. And then he confuses me again. He says he'll stay with me, but I know … I know the moment she calls, he'll go. He just doesn't see … Doesn't see her entrance him in an attempt to drag him down to hell. He doesn't see her entrance him in an attempt to drag him down to hell. He doesn't see the insanity of her giving Naraku the jewel, costing more innocent lives. Just … doesn't see! He refuses to accept the truth! Which is … what? That she's evil? She can't be, she's a miko. She died for him all those years ago. I have to believe she really does love him, or at least did.'

She wrapped her arms around herself a little tighter and buried her face back into her knees, `I just wish I understood what she wanted. If I knew she wanted Inu Yasha's happiness then … then I could be happy for him if he chose her. All I want is him to be happy. He's been alone so long, he deserves to be happy. To be free of his own personal demons that haunt him. If that means he chooses her then, that's what needs to be. If anyone deserves to be happy, it's him. I want that for him so much. I'd give my life for that.' Kagome blinked at that. Then, thought about it.

She smiled sadly, `Yeah, I would. I'd give my life for his happiness. I'd give up my world, my family if it would make him happy. Guess that's what love is. No wonder so many people are afraid of it. It isn't the most fun experience, is it?'

Kagome unconsciously shivered again as the night air turned cool, then blinked as something warm was draped over her shoulders. She looked up. Inu Yasha was sitting a few feet away, in just his white undershirt, watching her cautiously. She smiled and pulled the fire rat cloak tighter around her.

He peered up at her. "Are you still mad?"

Kagome blinked again and smiled a little. "No. I'm not mad."

Inu Yasha approached her. "Then, take it back!"

Kagome tilted her head and tried not to smile at him. He looked so cute. He was stalking her slowly, almost unsure in his movements. His ears were tilted slightly down and his eyes … she turned her head so she didn't get lost in them. Those gold eyes tended to pull her in and with her emotions the way they were right now, she couldn't risk getting lost and saying something she'd regret. "Take what back?"

Inu Yasha looked like he was going to explode. "You said you hated me!"

Kagome just smiled at the stars. "Did I?"

Inu Yasha growled. "Yes! So … take it back!"

Kagome continued to smile at the stars and whispered softly, "Sit."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, what'd ya think? R&R !!! Let me know!

E-mail: Soulsearcher_1219@hotmail.com