InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ My Immortal ❯ My Immortal ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: This song belongs to Evanescence (Amy Lee and Ben Moody) and Inu-Yasha belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. Enjoy!

A/N: This is my first song fic so, read and review people! Oh, and PLEASE READ TO THE END. I'd rather not get smacked around, so read the WHOLE thing before reviewing! Araigotu! Ja!

My Immortal

~*~*~*~*~*

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all of my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

Because your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

~*~*~*~*~*

I was walking by myself. Alone. No one was with me. It was just…me. I was used to being by myself but, strangely enough, now, I can't stand this solitary state; however, this is how I feel, and I suppose I can't deny it. I peer up at the leaves of my forest, the most chilling of breezes rushing past. I can't help but shiver at the wind that reminds me so much of death. Dark green trees, darkening sky, everything is dark. It's not night, not nearly, but it's like a thick, dusky haze over this place.

So far, I haven't even run into a single other living creature. Life…that's why I'm here…like this…. Life…or lack of….

Inside, my body is heavy and clumsy, but I continue to staunchly saunter without reason. I absolutely hate it here, but this is where I belong. I find myself now standing at the roots of the Goshinboku, the tree to which I was pinned for fifty long years, and then released by her…. As I reach out to touch the place where my heart was fastened, my fingers recoil back, and a pain pierces my heart again.

Not even Kikyo's arrow could have caused me such torture.

I bite my bottom lip, hard; my fang breaking the skin, causing rivulets of blood to form a single, garnet stripe. I keep my eyes downcast, my head bemusedly swimming anew. It pounds as I gnaw harder.

I won't do it, I won't. I must be strong; I will not show my weakness to anyone. They'll laugh...they'll laugh at me like the always did…always have, behind my back.

Tasting the blood upon my tongue, flowing faster now, that precious, life-giving liquid, I moan in agony as my head falls soundly against the trunk of the god-tree. Lungs about to burst, the viscera rising to my throat, I feel sick and scared and disgusted….

I ball my hand into a fist and pound on the shaft of the tree that had once been my only constant and familiar.

I will not do it, I will not, I will not, I will not fucking do it, damn it! Just leave me alone! Just leave me alone! Don't stay and comfort me! I deserve it! I deserve to be alone! My mind reels with its shrieking protests, but my body just can't take it anymore.

I break down and cry.

"Why…why did you have to leave me…?" I softly whisper, my voice scarcely audible even to my keen dog ears.

Claws digging deeply into the wood, grappling apathetically at the slivers of bark fluttering from my quavering grasp, I can't halt the oncoming emotional blast of helplessness and despondency. Like all hopes and happiness, ruins of this so-called 'sacred' tree plummet to the ground, my sanity disintegrating with them.

"I…I can't take it without you," I continue to speak to myself as I slide with my chest flush down the Goshinboku, my claws raking with me, curling deeper into the wood. I keep my eyes slotted, my vision blurring more as the tears mount faster, spilling onto my cheeks; I can see her face perfectly, so serene in my mind as my breathing falters. "I can't force you out of my thoughts. They haunt me wherever I go and I can't hide. You remain in and on everything of this world. If I could just forget about you, for now…avenging you wouldn't be so difficult, Kagome…."

~*~*~*~*~*

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

~*~*~*~*~*

However long I was there, knees pressed firmly in the wet soil, I don't know.

When she died, in my arms, not so long ago, I swore that Nirvana itself began to weep.

I did.

I still am.

The heavens high above poured wave after wave of heavy rain as her hand went limp, slipping out of my palm, landing noiselessly to the ground. My heart shattered.

And I screamed.

I don't remember what I screamed, but I did. The sensation was like forcing everything out of your body, expelling one's own existence from the toes up. I tried and tried, each time my cries growing louder and louder, more desperate than the last with each exhale.

Yet, I remained.

Veracity smacked me squarely in the face when Miroku faintly laid his cursed hand on my shoulder and said the three words I dreaded: "Inu-Yasha…Kagome's dead…."

I stared at her lifeless body, so beautiful and delicate; it reminded me strongly of a prematurely wilted flower. Rain continued to soak me through and through. My fingers wove in her mussed, pitch tresses, my palm cupping the back of her head, her hand resting quietly over her heart. A stab through her stomach; that's what killed her, what stole her life.

She couldn't be dead.

Kagome couldn't have passed away.

She…she couldn't have. She was too stubborn to die, stupid woman…. Didn't she know that by now? She wasn't supposed to die.

I kept telling myself that. I knew it wasn't true, but I didn't want to believe what was plainly in front of me. Her dying was more agonizing than anything; so raw, so real. It was so real, in fact, that it seemed like a twisted fantasy.

Any second, she'd get up, stretch, say she needs to study, and smile at me.

But it never came.

My hand clasped her petite one in mine. I pressed them both firmly against her flesh, searching for the softest heartbeat.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I strained my ears, hoping I was just too shocked and had overlooked it.

Nothing.

Not even the slightest flutter.

Kagome, you were stronger than that! You kept going, no matter how foreboding or dangerous the situation! You weren't so weak as to leave without saying good-bye!

And it struck me then as Sango and Miroku embraced, cradling Shippo between them, that she had said good-bye.

She'd given me the Shikon no Tama and told me to take good care of it. Kagome had opened her mouth to say one last thing; I could see the strain in her eyes as she tried to speak.

She never got to tell me…and I.... I never got to tell her my feelings.

For eternity, she'll never know. Not on this plane. Maybe she knows, now that she's made it to Nirvana; someone as honestly pure as Kagome would be allowed to rise there, crowned in high favor by the gods.

I hope so.

Because now…I can't tell her.

For the rest of my freakishly long life, I alone will hold the truth, and this sentiment of emptiness will be timeless; the realm where my heart once was will be a barren abyss, shards of it sole reminders dedicated to her memory. Strictly that.

I turn, jerking my claws out of the tree's trunk. I rest my back flat on the Goshinboku between some roots, collapsing to my ass, letting one leg stretch before me. I gaze upward, to the dull sky where the stars are but remnant lights within this ghostly fog.

"Kagome," I start, watching a shooting star zip over the inky blackness, near as dark as her hair, "I love you…and I'll never know what you'd say in return…."

~*~*~*~*~*

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I've held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

~*~*~*~*~*

I should've tried harder to protect her. I know when we first got roped into this whole mess of gathering the fragments of the Shikon Jewel, I wasn't all that fond of the idea; I only went along with it to get what I had believed I wanted more than anything. But, after all that time spent together and getting to know her, how could I not fall in love with Kagome?

She had been the first person to ever shed tears for me since my mother passed away when I was a small child. She always showed me how she was feeling, and when she tried not to, I could see the pain in her eyes. Why do I mention exclusively pain? Because, that's what it usually was. Sure, she'd hold her anger a few times, but it was pain that she primarily masqueraded. For my sake. Because of my stupidity.

Often, I longed to brush her tears away with my hand and just hold her and tell her that everything was all right; there was nothing to cry about. Yet, I chose to make it rare; I'd wipe them away and she would look so surprised, but it was a mild reaction.

So many times I made her worry about my safety. I dove into a blazing river without my cloak once; she thought I'd died. When I emerged, Kagome hugged me, sobbing, letting that worthless, wimpy wolf stand there, gawking, as I surrendered my emotions at her whim. I remember hugging her back and assuring her everything was all right. Instances where my life was in peril and Kagome would worry about me are numerous.

I treasure every recollection, every tear of hers that has touched me; in my mind, in my heart, they linger on.

I made a promise to myself, an unbeknownst oath, that I would protect Kagome from danger. Not as my shard detector, but as Kagome, the woman I'd unwittingly fallen in love with.

Every battle, every scrape with death, there was one thing she'd always scream: "Inu-Yasha!"

My name was the first thing she called, the one that she depended upon to save her. I would rush to her side, and slay whatever would dare lay a finger on her. No one was to harm her and I would willingly sacrifice myself for Kagome's safety. I was the one she pleaded to rescue her, and I would.

When I almost missed my chance, it's more than fair to say I was frightened, so convinced I lost her. And when it did happen…I still wasn't prepared.

A time when Kagome saw me embracing Kikyo, swearing to fight with her against Naraku, I will forever remember her face. It was desolation touching her delicate features, as our gazes met. Her stormy eyes misted over and she dashed to the Bone-Eater's Well, and I, being the fool I am, stood there. Later, Miroku insisted that, if I wasn't going to bring Kagome back, I, at least, get the jewel shards from her. Sango got angry, and Shippo, the little brat, he was right; Kagome was more important than Kikyo, and that I should get off my lazy ass and see her.

I was sure that I was going to have to break up with her...funny, all the times prior I'd deny any relationship of that kind with her. Yet, here I was, thinking of Kagome and me, together like that; and the thought of not being with her hurt. I had thought it only fair; how could I ask her stay with me…?

When I arrived, there she was, waiting for me at the lip of the well. She…she desired to be with me, by my side, no matter what. And Kagome grasped my hand; my senses were dulled, and the only feeling that came through was shock.

We walked along, she not saying anything, just peering at me quietly; before long, I held hers back. That was how we entered the village that day, hand-in-hand. I never wanted it to end, the softness of her palm against mine, Kagome's slender fingers curved over my hand.

Mere months since we met, there was a bit of irony in this. Initially, I hadn't cared about her leaving, just the Sacred Jewel fragments. When I seized her hand to pursue the carrion crow, there was no romantic intent behind it. To think at one point, I was willing to drop her so far from the ground, allow her to plunge to her death from a height high above the treetops.

Yet, within those few months, I'd grown so close to her that it seemed more like years had passed; I was so accustomed to having her with me, the giver of my renewed life. She guided me in times of trouble, always encouraging me to never give up, and fought alongside me, no matter the risk. I loved Kagome dearly, and I savored every day we shared, even the days when we argued, though I probably caused all of them in some way. For each clash, I learned more about her, and another chunk of my heart was claimed by her.

I belong to Kagome, and when she died, I died.

"Karma, you've done quite a job on my life. But this…this is by far your most incensing work. You've reached the pinnacle of vindictive accomplishment. What did you leave me with?" I clutched the other necklace that Kagome gave me that hung around my neck, a glowing, pink pendant dangling from it. "A thick shard of a bead that grants insurmountable power? Totally worthless to me. The thing that was most precious to me was stripped from my life. Kagome…returned to me…is what I want…more than anything…."

~*~*~*~*~*

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

But now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

~*~*~*~*~*

The most powerful and intoxicating thing, as I would have said, was the Shikon no Tama…. Now, however, as I think harder, the glow of that jewel was nothing compared to Kagome's smile or her pure heart and soul; those were much more lasting and beautiful; her immense compassion was a thousand fold compared. Though the Sacred Jewel was shattered, her spirit-her love-was never to be broken. We started off to gather the shards and it never occurred to me that, maybe, karma was trying to do something for me. A favor…a revelation of some sort...that I didn't see till later…till now….

Yes, I will admit that I loved Kikyo…. When she shot me with her enchanted arrow and sealed me away, my heart was shattered by the hatred in her cold eyes. I had truly believed I'd loved her, and, perhaps, I did. Yet, more and more, I see it as an infatuation with the first person I believed had begun to treat me as such. If she had truly cared, she would not have tried so hard to transform me to a complete human, denying me of my demon heritage. She should've accepted me for who I was no matter what.

Like Kagome did.

For so long, I felt as if Kikyo and my downfall were directly my fault and I must be the one to repent and remember….

If we had been truly in love, we would have never suspected the other to be ready to stab in the back. It was more like an agreement. I had lost Kikyo because of lack of trust, and I lost Kagome because she was protecting me.

I often thought about Kikyo and I always felt so guilty and worthless…empty. Yet, with Kagome, I was rapt by different reasons. When I was with her, when I thought of her, I felt alive, warm…and happy.

If I had still loved Kikyo, why did all of my affections for her seem like afterthoughts in comparison to Kagome?

I continue to stare without purpose at the heavens and I hope that she is looking down on me. Maybe she now knows the truth behind my actions. Maybe she knows the reason I don't want to go anywhere is because my heart is far gone. Although she didn't shoot me with an arrow, I'm bound here by Kagome. Her life was my new life; it was here that I was resurrected.

I want to just disappear again, be sealed away for fifty years and find Kagome here at the base of the tree, staring at me…that, when I reawaken, I get to relive our journey again; that the whole time I was dreaming of what is to come

I can't do that.

I will not rest, I will not die until I destroy Naraku and purify the Shikon no Tama. That is what Kagome wanted. I must finish it for her…for both of us.

I remember…

"Well, I want to kill Naraku once and for all. He's ruined so many lives because of his own selfish ambitions. But, also, I want the Sacred Jewel to go away so the cycle is ended…." Her voice drifted off and I asked her what was wrong. She simply looked up with a tiny smile, eyes rather sad. "The only thing is…I don't want to leave you…."

And I didn't want her to leave either.

In life, Kagome fascinated me in every thing she did. And now, all those reminiscences are put into chaotic reveries….

I drifted to unconsciousness after she passed away in my arms; if she hadn't shot her arrow and distracted Naraku's minion, I would have been the one to take the brunt of the blow. In my fitful slumber, adorned with images of her, trinkets of her memory, I was consumed with overwhelming emotion. No longer were my dreams impassioned hopes of Kagome and me, living a content life with pups of our own. No more blissful laughter. No stupid fights that meant nothing at all. No more singing. No more smiles.

All I heard was her voice…screaming my name. All times before blurred together, letting her muffled shriek ring loudest, budding its potency in my mind.

It all burned and the pressure mounted in my head. Heart pounding, blood rushing, breathing rapid, every sense at its fullest potential, my fingers grasping strongly onto my hair, the dreams unbearable, I finally cried out, annihilating the crystal-like air.

I sit here, quiet as can be beneath the Goshinboku, the remembrance of my nightmare still fresh; her soft, soothing voice whispering in my ears upon the breeze. Leaves flutter around me as I remain in my own fairytale world. Alone. Hauntingly alone.

"I'll finish our mission; I promise you that, Kagome." Chuckling cynically, my vision blurs. "I must be going crazy…. I still hear you, but you've moved on to a place that is unreachable to me." I loll my head upon my chest for a moment before peering back at the shadow cast sky though half lidded eyes. I know the tears have started their mute descent. "Yet, somehow…I don't seem to mind or care."

~*~*~*~*~*

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

~*~*~*~*~*

Emotional grievances are by far the most severe in the world. I've lived my whole life being prejudiced against. As much I tried to forget it, or hide it, it's always found and it still aches. Even after all these years, I still can feel the spit upon my face, the burn of fresh lacerations, and the many obscenities.

One tragedy after another…all pale when I think of the one person I'd be willing to spend my life with, do anything for, gone in an instant.

I carefully, gingerly, rise to my feet. The air has gone cold and the scent of another storm reaches my keen nose. Yet, as soon as I stand, I fall forward.

Not like I care.

Catching myself on all fours, I return to my earlier position. Tetsusaiga's scabbard has some of the mud caked onto the bottom of it. Following the bottom of it, I see a moderate, curved line leading up to my left hip.

I stare at the ground for a moment again, staring at that arc….

Arcs…like Sankon Tetsusou or Hijin Ketsusou…or like when Kagome's funny shoe does that when she's nervous….

"Everything goes back to you…. I didn't have the strength to watch the others prepare you for your funeral pyre…. Kagome, I'm sorry if that makes me a coward…."

~*~*~*~*~*

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I've held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

~*~*~*~*~*

Maybe…maybe I'll meet up with you again in that strange realm of yours…. That would be nice…. I'd at least know what the hell you're talking about.

I promise I'll still protect you.

I promise I'll be with you forever.

…I promise that I'll be the one you can rely on.

"Because I'm yours…for always."

~*~*~*~*~*

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

And though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

~*~*~*~*~*

Looking into the endless sky, I hear a twig snap and I turn my gaze down to see her standing there, a gentle grin on her face. I hear her speak my name as she nears me, and my heart catches in my throat. She asks, "Inu-Yasha…? Why are you crying?" She plops down in front of me on her knees, raising her hands to the sides of my face. "I'm right here."

I smirk faintly for Kagome, the tears perpetuating in my eyes as I stare longingly into the pools of cobalt. I place my hands on her waist and draw her closer, her hair dancing over my face. "I'm not sure if you know but…you were the only one I've ever truly cried for…."

She merely smiles at me, our lips a breath apart.

Then the rain begins to pour.

Kagome is no longer there.

I realize that maybe for an instant she was with me but…I know I'm the only one here.

She lives on in my heart….

~*~*~*~*~*

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I've held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

~*~*~*~*~*

Rain washes the whole forest, shimmering like bright, distant dreams as they descend from the leaf tips. …Simple hopes strewn amidst dark circumstances. It's a cold shower though, but I don't mind as I close my eyes…I need to rest…I need to….

"May I sleep and never awaken…."

~*~*~*~*~*

Dream on…

~*~*~*~*~*

I feel something warm sliding over my cheek, and I open my eyes to see what it is. A tear, a single tear drop…. I blink vigorously, glancing around; it must be a few hours before dawn.

I see Miroku sleeping against a log by the dying fire, the reddish glow faintly visible. Sango is curled up with Kirara beside her head….

Shifting on my branch a bit, I take a good look down. Directly beneath me is Shippo…who is nestled under the covers with Kagome. Leaping as quietly as I can, I land beside the girl. I move the brat, trying not to wake him, and I set him a bit further away but closer to the fire as he continues to snore unsuspectingly. Crouching back, I can see her blameless, serene face. I smile to myself as I hear her gentle, even breathing.

Kagome was here all along. I'm not alone.

Placing one arm across her stomach warily, my hand on her other side, bracing my weight while I settle to my knees and lean over. My forelocks slide off her rosy cheeks noiselessly as I linger a beat above her….

~*~*~*~*~*

Dream on…

~*~*~*~*~*

And my lips meet hers and I melt into the kiss. They're soft and warm…. A sense of energy shoots through my mouth to the rest of me, even to the toes, as I feel a pressure against me….

I pull away leisurely, allowing our lips to brush. I gaze into the depthless, benevolent eyes of Kagome. Her ebony tresses fan out over the blue sleeping thing of hers, and she stares at me curiously, although she doesn't look mad….

"Sorry…" I feebly mumble as I abruptly wobble my way back to my feet, beginning to turn around. It was an accident." Gods, no wonder she thinks I'm a terrible liar. Even I don't believe myself….

Kagome sits up, pushing the covers off of her. I feel her grab my pants as I try to get away. "Wait. Please…" I hear her plead from behind.

I say nothing as I obey, folding my legs underneath me and sitting by her. "I must've been sleepwalking or something…." I can't bring myself to face at her.

She sighs. "You just randomly get up and kiss people?"

"I never said it was random…." I peer at her from the corner of my eye, and I see this look of…longing-wishful ness-there. "I wanted to kiss you, Kagome…." I start to get move away, but my legs are like weights, so all I can do is keep facing the ground.

Softly, Kagome says to me, "I wanted to kiss you, too, Inu-Yasha…I've wanted to kiss you somewhere peaceful like this for a while…."

I look to her again and find her blushing. "If we're going to be admitting things…I can tell you anything, right?"

Her heartbeat gets louder and faster as she nods. "Of course, Inu-Yasha. Anything."

Focusing on her orbs of silvery-blue, I whisper, just loudly enough for her, "I love you." Almost instantaneously, I find her small body flung into my chest and I wrap my arms around her.

"I love you, too. I love you, too…." Kagome sniffles a little, but she nestles deeper into my clothes.

I kiss the top of her head lightly. "Just you, Kagome, just you…because I want only you…." And it took me a dream, a horrific nightmare to give me the nerve to do it and fully realize it…. "I've loved you for so long, and I will always love you…. I'll always be yours…all of me…."

~*~*~*~*~*

Dream on…

~*~*~*~*~*

A/N: Did you all take my advice and read to the end? Anyways, read and review! I'll probably never write something this depressing again, but I just kind of did. All right? No torture today. I think this was enough. My e-mail is: hanyou_miko_dreamer@hotmail.com

For the record, I could NEVER kill Kagome. She's my favorite, and the character I'm most alike. I hate Kikyo/Inu-Yasha pairings.

Ja ne,

~Moonlight Shadow

Japanese used:

Hanyou-half-demon

Ja ne-later