InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Of Broken Hearts and Renewal ❯ Holding On ( Chapter 13 )

Disclaimer: The next few couple of chapters maybe a bit angsty and OOC but if your Father died wouldn't you be angsty? Trust me there will be fluff though!! I don't own Inuyasha. Don't Kill ME!

A/N: Like I said the next few chapters might be angsty and a little OOC. Yes, Suki has come back! Yay! Well it's been a while. Back to this fic. I got the other chapter ready. About 90% done! ^_^ Well extra long chappy! You can't refuse that…..CAN YOU?!

Well I just found out a way to review. You have to go to the review page and scroll slowly towards the right. You'll find the box and you can review. Okay so any ways. Here's my fic!

~Of Broken Hearts and Renewal~

Chapter 13: Holding On

Kagome woke up the next morning. She brushed her teeth, washed her face, changed her clothes, and continued normally. She walked downstairs to find no one there. A note was left of the kitchen table with the inscriptions:

Dear Kagome,

Your grandfather and I are out. Please stay home with Souta until we'll be back. We'll talk alter about you know what.

Love,

Your Mother

Kagome put the note down as she grabbed a glass cup and poured some orange juice in it. Why would I even want to talk about that? Kagome thought bitterly. Kagome took her orange juice upstairs with her to check up on Souta. She walked up to his room and heard some sniffling. Poor Souta, He's still sad. Kagome thought with sympathy. He was their father after all even if Kagome resented him.

Kagome sat on her on her made bed and took a sip of orange juice. She stared blankly at the mirror. She was in a trance that she did not want. She snapped out of it but it kept coming back. Maybe some music would put me out of it.

She flicked on her radio and pressed the number five. It was her favorite station. Except the music didn't work. It talked about loss, betrayals, stuff she didn't need right then.

I'm just out of it, that's all. Kagome thought to herself. He was my father after all.

She put in her CD and turned the music halfway to maximum. She closed her eyes, resting the juice on her lap, long forgotten.

"Kagome, you're-you're father. He's…he's…gone…"

Her eyes shot wide opened.

He's gone… That…That good for nothing…..gone.

"You're-you're father. He's…he's…gone…"

After all those years of hoping for his arrival, of hoping for acceptance. Wasted. He never cared for me. He never did, did he?

"Father. He's…he's…gone…"

It didn't mean I have to be sad. It doesn't mean I have to be mad. But I can't be happy either. He was my father after all.

"Father. He's…"

But I can't help it if I was so naïve. It's not my fault I'd want a perfect family. With a father who's there when your mom and you get into fights. Someone with free time on their hands who would play games with you. A father who would hide behind the corner and as you walk by himtickles you when you were small. A Father who loved you. Who wouldn't forsake you for a damn job.

Kagome's hands fisted her pink bed spread.

"He's…gone…"

I just wanted you here with me. For you to love me. But you forsake me. I imagined sunny family picnics. I imagined warm fires where we would roast chestnuts. Holidays that you missed, Dad. All for your damn job? I loved you. I still love you. But, you forsaked us all.

"…gone…"

Kagome could feel tears rimming her eyes. What the hell? Kagome thought. Why was she crying for him? That guy never did anything for her. But why did her head feel so clouded? Why was her chest feeling as if it was about to heave? Why did her throat feel strict? She glanced at her mirror and she saw a figure staring back at her with red-rimmed eyes. Depression bore through those chocolate brown eyes.

Why am I crying for him? A single crystal clear tear glided down her face. I gave up my hope for him long ago didn't I? He betrayed me. He left me! He left Mom, Souta, and me. He visited, barely. He broke my mother's heart! I hate him! I loathe him! But why do I feel so alone, forgotten, empty? My own Father did this to me! To me, his child, His only daughter. After all those years of broken promises, hearts, and all those lies? Why do I still cry for him?

Kagome put her glass of orange juice down on her beside table. She lay down and buried her head into her pillow once more. She sobbed. She cried. Except no hot tears fell down her pale face. She felt like a lost child. She had lost her father but she still resented him. She had given up her love for him long ago. But it hurt to know that her lost forgotten love for her father was still there.

Daddy, why did you leave me? Why did you leave all of us, all alone? You visited, rarely, when I was a child. Then you stopped all together. You sent money in occasions. But that's all I got from you. You promised you'd come back all those years ago. But you lied. I was your only daughter. Souta was your only son. You left me full of pain and suffering.

But I missed you all those years. I miss you so much. But now you're gone. I hated you so much. I loathed you till no end. But I still love you. Why do I still love you?

Kagome cried, she cried so hard. But still no tears came trickling down her face. She cried for herself, for her father, and for all the hardships she had ever gone through. She even cried herself to sleep.

^__^

Ayumi Higurashi walked with her father along the grocery aisle. She was trying to find a way to tell her father about Kagome and her ways of having grudges permanently. She needed advice. She decided to jut outright tell her father the problems.

"Dad, about Kagome. You know how she gets those long time grudges. I was wondering if you could talk to her. It seems that she's so unfazed by her own father's death." Ayumi asked as she picked out some oranges.

"And I wouldn't blame her. He was scum. The stupid bastard." He spat bitterly.

"Now dad."

"Ayumi, we all know our Kagome. She may seem a bit cold in the outside but we all know that she's a storm in the inside. She keeps things bottled inside her so much it hurts her. I think you should talk to her. I'm her grandfather. To her she thinks I'm a nutcase."

"Yes, but I expected her to show the slightest sign of sadness. But I got nothing from her. We know she's emotional and usually she shows it." Ayumi said frowning.

"Yes, but we know when she's mad, sad, depressed, or having any negative feelings she doesn't show it. Remember those times when she and that demon boy got into fights? She never told us anything. Sure she'd snap at us, sure she'd act cold and distant but never a word came out of her mouth. Never to me atleast. She may act all snippy or mad or cover it up with a smile but we all know that she's just bottling up inside." Huroto Higurashi said sagely.

"You know, sometimes I think I was the one who was suppose to be the most angry at him," Ayumi mused to herself.

"I'm still angry at him. For all the lies, deceits, and harm he's done to you. I swore that I'd-"

"Dad, it's sad, though. That I still love him." Ayumi mourned quietly to herself.

"And I don't know why either Ayumi. I just don't know why. I told you that he wasn't a good husband. I told you but you didn't listen. And look where love has gotten you?"

"What about you and Mom? Both of your love joined together had me."

"But Ayumi, our love was different. I could tell that you loved him more than he loved you. Maybe at first the feelings were mutual, but you both had different paths." Her father said not unkindly.

"I miss him though. And I could tell Kagome misses him also. I wish she and him had the same relationship as Souta did with him."

"Souta's still too young and naïve."

"But still atleast he has no pent up anger against him."

"But I will never forgive that man for ever hurting you." Huroto said stubbornly.

"But I loved him dad. I loved him so much that I gave him up so he could be happy." Ayumi said sadly.

"But right now Kagome is what matters. Come on. We don't need to get all sad and depressed now, dear. You have all of your children and us. So one less person didn't stay with you. Atleast I'm still here." Her father said cheerfully as he got the milk.

Ayumi smiled at her loving father and continued their stroll down the aisles. It seemed that THAT was the only conversation that her father had ever given good advice.

^__^

Kagome's eyes opened slowly, then blinked, and then blinked again. The sound of the telephone woke her up and her brain felt so heavy. Her head felt clouded and it was hard to think at that moment of waking up for Kagome. But then the memories of last night and just this morning came crashing back down on her.

A sound between a cry and whimper escaped her lips. The pain was still there. Even after her crying the pain was still there. The hate and loathing were only an ebb compared to the pain, the lost, and the emptiness. The phone kept ringing incessantly still and it didn't help stop the throbbing as blood rushed into her head form the changing of position. She picked up the phone and croaked out a, "Hello?"

"Hey Kagome." Was the respond from the other line.

"Oh, Hey Inuyasha," Kagome said her voice brightening just a speck.

"Well I was bored and I decided to ruin the rest of the day for you," Inuyasha smirked.

"Too late, it's already ruined…." Kagome murmured.

"What?"

"Oh nothing. So…. you just wanted to ruin my horrible day?" Kagome dodged his question.

"Yea, well I did come by your window earlier but you were sleeping. See, I was THAT bored."

"Wow, you must be," Kagome, said wryly. "Um….Inuyasha? You kind of caught me at a bad time. I don't think I can speak right now." Kagome said while fingering the phone cord.

Well Inuyasha being the idiot he is had to just venture into it more. "Why? Something big happened?"

"Oh well not really." Yea my father just died and I don't know why I'm crying for him. But Kagome's voice hitched a bit as she felt the burn signaling the beginning of crying swelling in her eyes once more. But she probably knew there would be no tears once again. She had cried so much that there were no more tears left, afterall. She sniffed slightly but Inuyasha with his keen hearing heard the stress, depression, and sniffle from Kagome.

"Are you crying?"

Darn his sensitive hearing, Kagome cursed to herself. "No Inuyasha, I'm just tired. I think I caught a cold."

"Don't lie to me, Kagome. What happened now?"

"Nothing. You know Inuyasha? I'm a bit tired. I think I'm going to bed. Or get some fresh air." Kagome said a bit too dryly.

"Kagome, tell me." Inuyasha said bluntly and seriously.

Kagome was getting a bit frustrated and angered at Inuyasha's questioning and prying. Couldn't he get it? She just wanted to be left ALONE. "Inuyasha. It's nothing. Jeez, can yea just give me some air? Where was the rule that you had to know everything about me, for all I know, I don't even know everything about you. So can you just leave me alone for once?"

Inuyasha obviously took this the wrong way and replied back with arrogance and annoyance. "You know Kagome? Sometimes you can lie and sometimes you can't. If you don't want to open up then fine. I thought we bonded last night and actually got closer. I thought we could trust each other. But you know what? You proved me wrong. So you either tell me your sorry ass story or just stop talking to me all together."

"My sorry ass story? First you make it such a big deal and suddenly you categorize it in such a lowly name? You don't know what I go through, and I don't think you'll ever. If you don't think we should talk anymore then fine. Be that way. I don't care. I don't care anymore. You go your way and I go mine. You wouldn't know half the things and feelings I go through! You're half human after all! You have no clue! No clue at all! So why won't you hang up you damn phone because all I know is I'm forsaken in this hell of a world!" Kagome's rage rose with each sentence and so did her voice crack. How could he? How could he think such a thing!

There was silence on the phone. Inuyasha trying to piece together what just happened. But there wasn't anything to piece together. There wasn't much to piece together now. Kagome didn't need him anymore. She didn't want him.

She was lost in her own world and he had just lost her. He had lost his truest friend and his only love. And it hurt him. He couldn't save her from what she was going through. No, not this time. She had to find it for herself. It hurt himself to say the next few words. Maybe they were the last words he would ever tell her again. He might as well go tell Sesshoumaru that he changed his mind…..

"I'm actually worried about you Kagome." Inuyasha voice shook as he could barely talk. His mouth seemed so dry suddenly. "It shows how much I truly care for you and it scares me. But I guess that's not enough. I guess that's not enough……I just wished you'd understand and feel the same way as I do to you."

His words stung her. They were so icy but sad at the same time. There was a short pause as the phone click.

"Fine…..Inuyasha." Kagome shakily whispered. She then fell on her bed once more with new pain. She had lost her Father and Inuyasha once more. It was all her fault wasn't it? She drove Inuyasha away, once again.

^__^

"No Inuyasha! Stay back…the jewel …the jewel….keep it away!" Kagome yelled with all her strength slamming herself against the cavern walls. " It…it hurts …so…bad…"

The image came to her as she walked towards the well. Even as she slammed her back against the cold hard stonewalls of the cave she could remember the look in Inuyasha's eyes. It was mixed with a look of insanity and wildness but she could still see it. He was shocked and hurt. Even then she could not help him. She drove him away. All because she was in pain. But it proved to her that it was nothing compared to what happened to him after.

Except that look of hurt, fear of betrayal, and shock made her cringed. She made Inuyasha feel as if she forsakened him. She crossed her arms and hugged herself as she held her head low. The wind tousled her hair around but she did not care. Her yellow pack weighed her already slow steps down. It was autumn and the weather was getting chilly. Multicolored leaves blew around her as if trying to comfort her. But there was no comfort.

She threw her pack over the well as she hopped in after it. She then felt gravity suddenly let go of its hold on her and then it once more took control. She landed softly on the ground.

She put the pack around her shoulders once more and started to climb up the vines. I just came here to let my mind settle. I just need sometime off. Kagome tried to convince herself.

Kagome dragged herself along the forest floor. Her thought kept wandering towards Inuyasha and her father no matter what she tried to prevent it. Life sucked….Kagome knew that. She entered the village and received greetings. She waved back cheerfully but didn't stop to make some chit chat. She headed straight to Kaede's hut. Maybe she could seek some guidance.

^__^

"Hi Kaede!" Kagome said cheerfully. "I saw some traveling supplies in the front. Who's here?" But instead of meeting the sagely old lady she met no other than-

"Kagome! We just came back from jewel hunting." Sango said gleefully as she rushed to her long time friend. "Kami! We were about to march right to the future to drag your behind here to say hello to your friends."

"Well, did you guys get any jewels?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact we did. Atleast this time that pervert over there didn't almost get his head chopped off by a demon disguising as a beautiful maiden again."

"Speaking of the pervert? Where is he? Also where's Kaede?"

"Oh, reading the palms of young maidens once more." Sango sighed exasperated by the houshi. "And Kaede's off helping a villager."

"I see, so how many fragments did you get this time?"

"Oh let's see. We only got two. At this rate by the time we find the whole jewel our grandchildren will take over."

"Well to make you feel so much better Sango. I've come back for a while to join the gang." Kagome smiled at the look of gratitude and shock on her friends face.

"Well Kagome. I don't want to burden you…."

"Not at all."

"Well if you insist."

"Come let's go for a walk and maybe pull that houshi away from his "work" for a while. We could get the things we need and start our journey tomorrow by sunup."

They stood up laughing and joking walking to the door and looking for Miroku.

^__^

"You know Kagome? You've changed a lot recently." Sango said nonchalantly as they sat around a fire. Firefly's danced around them as the embers flickered and glowed on their faces. The stars were bright; it was a glorious and peaceful night.

Miroku had gone out hunting for something. Seemed that Kagome had forgotten her food. They were on their journey but they started late instead of sunup. Miroku had grudgingly gone out to hunt since he was a little piss that they took away his life's duty and work twice. (His words, not mine) He had tried to sneak in the morning but was taken away after being caught. Hence the reason he was pissed.

"Really, Sango? How so?" Kagome glanced uncertainly over at Sango prodding the fire with Miroku's staff. The monk for once forgot about it, since the jingling would disturb the animal.

"It's just…..You seem different. Like your eyes, they seem so…. different." Sango hesitated.

"Well I have been through a lot." Kagome said as she hugged her knees closer to herself.

"What's wrong, Kagome?" Sango said sensing the distress in her friend's voice and actions.

"Nothings wrong Sango. It's just the usual."

"Kagome, I've known you for quite a while. I also know that when something's wrong you tend to bottle up it inside you. So now tell me. What has got you so depressed?"

"Nothing" Kagome said trying to end this discussions. It's too hard to explain. I've pretty much ruined my relationship with Inuyasha and I'm still kinda feeling the pain of losing someone who wasn't actually there all my life. Why am I so weak? Why have I've been crying and feeling all these emotions this weak? What's wrong with me? Why is it happening to me?

"Kagome, why are you hiding things?" Sango asked gently.

"It's hard to explain Sango. And I don't feel like explaining."

Sango scooted closer to her friend. "Kagome, you can tell me. I'm your friend. You can trust. I swear, whatever it is I'll help you through it."

"Sango, I'm afraid." Kagome barely whispered.

"What do you mean?" Sango said concern reflecting in her eyes.

"I'm scared Sango." Kagome said in a shaky breath. "I'm suddenly lost and confused. I don't even know where I stand anymore. I feel so…. Empty. Like I don't know how to control my feelings and anything in my life anymore. It's like I don't know anything any more."

"Kagome, what happened to you?" Sango asked as she put an arm around Kagome, trying to comfort her. This girl who was her best friend. A girl who was just a few years younger. The strong fiercely brave emotional girl Sango knew was suddenly a child seeking comfort.

"Sango, it hurts. The pain hurts. I've forgotten all these years how it feels. And I don't know……" Kagome trailed off as a sob was beginning. Her eyes were suddenly blurry. Will I actually cry tears this time?

"Kagome, it's okay to cry. You don't have to be strong anymore. You don't have to be strong for you or anyone right now. Just let it out. You don't have to tell me." Sango said as she tried to comfort Kagome.

Then and only then did a tears fall down. But it didn't stop. They kept coming and Kagome began to sob. She cried her heart out. "Sango, it just hurts so much. I'm so lost."

"It's just pain and lost. Kagome, let it out. Just let it all out."

"He was never there for me Sango. Never. He was barely ever there for me. He barely visited. I don't even remember his face anymore. And now, after everything. All the lies and hate. All this loathing and hurt. After everything I've been through. He was never there for me. He didn't love me. He didn't. And he. He was my father. "

"Kagome, no one could hate you."

"But he did. He left us all. He left his family all broken up. But why do I still love him?" Kagome almost screeched up to the night sky.

"He's your father Kagome."

"Was it my fault Sango? Was it my fault all of this happened? Is it my fault that my father left? That Inuyasha disappeared? That everyone dies?"

"No, Kagome. You're not a bad person at all. It was their time, their destiny. It was never, and ever shall be your fault. They made a mistake, not you. You're not the mistake."

"Will the pain ever stop? Will the hurt and fear?"

"No, Kagome. Not for a long time. When Inuyasha was gone did you hurt?" Kagome nodded. "It just never goes away. But you live on and it just becomes a dull throb whenever you think of it. Like when I lost my village, father, brother, everything. The pain still hurts but I have hope. Kohaku being alive gives me hope, Kagome. And now that you've found someone new…. maybe you'll be happy again."

"But I might have lost him."

"Is that another reason Kagome?" Another cry and nod escaped Kagome.

"Kagome, you just have to move on. Stop bottling everything inside you. Stop denying yourself of stopping whatever pain you feel. You have to move on. You have to cry. Your human, after all."

"But Sango, I don't know anymore."

"You have to move on. Love your father for every kind thing he did for you. Don't forget. Don't forget who you are and what you are. You're a wonderful person with the greatest personality. Ever. If you ever forget. Remember. Remember you friends and family who love you."

Kagome buried her head in her knees and curled up into a ball. She shed tears. But Sango was there. Sango was there to help her. She was going to be all right. But what about Inuyasha? No, she'll think of that later. She still needed to get over the pain. Then she'll face Inuyasha, and maybe get him to meet her wonderful friends. She still needed to tell them about her new find. But they were still at end wits at each other. Will there ever finally be peace with them?

^__^

a/n: sorry for all this. But it's been quite emotional for me and I can't help it from writing such things. If it's not so emotional then….phf. …Well I hope you all like it. Sorry for the angst and sadness. Sorry for the OOCness. But longer chappy right? Also I'M SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING IN SUCH A LONG TIME!

Well bare with me. Kagome and Inuyasha will make up. Also I know I could end the story any time but…. I can't. Also I want more fluff between them and so they get to know each other again. When Inuyasha left Kagome didn't know everything about him, did she now? Well I'm going to show her how Inuyasha can tell her many things. Everything. Also a bit of my thoughts before Inuyasha was pinned to a tree. Heh. Goodnessesities! Please R/R!

Furi-ki: Blast! We have to wake up form our sleep to start a conversation once more!

Fuka-ki: STFU! Besides its funny revealing things to people about Suki….ehehe…like how she's watching digimon……..

Hey I'm proud! YOU STFU!

Furi-ki: Dammit, the autocorrect once again put my name as frisky….

HAHAHAHA

Fuka-ki: Well mine gives me this name that starts with a D. Like Daiquiris or something. Whatever the hell that is…

Furi-ki: You should have seen her. Crying like a baby on one of her retreats…

STFU!!!

Fuka-ki: She snuck us in with her…..her socks smelt bad….

Why I thought you up….I have on clue.

~Suki`