InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ One Summer ❯ Equally Incompetent ( Chapter 7 )

Disclaimer: All brand names, stores, and angry water chestnuts in the following belong exclusively to their respective owners. No profit was made or will be made from this. No water chestnuts were killed in the making of this `fic, though several were maimed beyond recognition. Flowers were begrudgingly sent to their families as tokens of sympathy (and, more importantly, in lieu of worker's compensation.)

 

Chapter 7: Equally Incompetent

 

In one unpredictably anticlimactic gesture, Inu-Yasha parted the evil bush and came face to face with destiny.

 

Destiny, as it turned out, was a frumpy, jittery little man. His hair was tied into four pigtails which branched off from his skull, rather in the way that an untalented actor branches off and pursues an equally incompetent singing career, only with fewer law suits and drug busts. To each pigtail was affixed a small silver bell. He was bent over a small bottle, deep in concentration. A medium sized cactus in a terra cotta pot sat by his side.

 

“Bwuh?” said Inu-Yasha. Unsurprisingly, this is often the response one has after coming face to face with destiny.

 

“Aiieee!” yelled the man. He leapt to his feat, smacked Inu-Yasha with the bottle and then promptly sat back down.

 

“Hey! What was that for, old man?!” Inu-Yasha rolled up his sleeves, preparing to mete out his own smart-mouthed hanyou brand of justice on the old man's unsuspecting noggin.

 

“Inu-Yasha!” Kagome warned.

 

“It's an evil bush,” said the man, apologetically.

 

Blank stares all around.

 

“Pardon us,” said Miroku, “but what are you doing here?”

 

“And what are those bells for?” asked Kagome.

 

“Ah-ha!” The man said grandly, “These are to scare away the leprechauns!”

 

“Okayyy” The man is clearly nuts thought Kagome

The wheel is turning, but the hamster's dead thought Miroku

He's not playing with a full deck thought Sango

The lights are on but nobody's home thought Shippo, between the harsh, uncultured cries of mental anguish that reamed through his skull like a discount cheese wheel salesman on happy pills. Curse you stool! Curse you!

The…shit I'm out of euphemisms! Why does this always happen to me? thought poor, slighted Inu-Yasha. Why did he always get the crap end of this pony ride? Wait … what? Gaa! It's happening again! Damn!

 

“I,” continued the man “am concocting a potion to get rid of the zombies.”

 

“So you've seen them, too?” asked Kagome.

 

“They're not even brain eating zombies! Still gotta put `em down, though. Ho-ho, these crazy modern zombies and their banjos! Nothing like that back in the day, you know. Back when I was a boy…”

 

“Hold on,” Miroku intervened, seeing that the conversation was taking a long boring turn for memory lane (In case anyone is wondering, this is located just past the Dairy Queen, across the street from `Big Bill's Bidet Emporium'.) “Is that plant there part of your potion? I've never seen anything like it.” He pointed to the cactus.

 

“A cactus?” said Kagome.

 

“Yes.” said the man, “her name is Agnes.”

 

“But …” said Sango, confused,” why is it wearing that hat?”

 

“Oh … well,” here he blushed deeply, “it's apparently very fashionable … “

 

The hat was a bright fuchsia crushed velvet bowler, if there ever was such a thing. Several large, ugly flowers were tucked in its formidable brim. One even had a tacky plastic bee glued onto its petals.

 

Plastic? Another anachronism …thought Kagome. Strange. Though, it must be said, not quite as strange as Kikyou and the banjo.

 

“So how do you plan on stopping the zombies? With that bottle?” asked Miroku.

 

“Yes.”

 

“What's in it?”

 

“So far, an acorn, three twigs and some green stuff that I found on the ground.”

 

“And that will stop the zombies?”

 

“Couldn't hurt,” he shrugged.

 

“Oh … yes…heh” Miroku leaned back and whispered to Sango. “Er…He's not all there, then … maybe we should leave?”

 

“Wait, let's see if he knows anything more about the zombies” whispered Sango.

 

“Oh yes … good thinking,” said he, somewhat distractedly. Miroku, after all, was a monk with things to do. Big important things.

 

“And one more thing …” One of those important things that Miroku had to do was happening too close to Sango again.

 

“Hmm? “ Miroku tilted his head innocently.

 

WHACK!

 

“Hands off, monk,” Sango grumped over to Kagome.

 

“Please!” begged Miroku, “I am but a humble monk!” With so many things to do … yes. So many things.

 

“So about these zombies, old man—“ Inu-Yasha started.

 

“Wait!” The man held a finger to his lips. “Not here.” He scooped up Agnes, hat and all, and pocketed the bottle.

 

He beckoned for them to follow him. Sadly, instead of screaming and running away like sensible folk, they tagged along.

 

They followed the strange man up a hill and down a small river. They walked and walked and walked. In reality, this Odyssey, this mighty Trek of the Noble Heroes only lasted about seventeen minutes. (Which, as opposed to seventeen years, was pretty good.)

 

At last they reached a small mushroom at the base of a large hill. The man tapped on it twice, the hill creaked, and a door swung open. A set of wooden steps was revealed.

 

“Uh…” said Kagome. Alright, now this was getting strange.

 

“I found this place around the time Agnes came to me. It seemed a good location to set up my anti-zombie rebel base!”

 

“Wait … just how long ago was that?” asked Miroku.

 

“About three hours ago … but I've spent my life studying the zombie way! Why, when I was a boy, you got real zombies, those were the days my, my…”

 

“So … you just found Agnes?” said Kagome. Odd. Cacti were, as far as she knew, not native to Japan.

“Yep, pot and all. Then she showed me this place and I moved all my zombie-hunting stuff here. Then I saw those zombies. Their leader had a strange instrument … said it was a `banjo'.”

 

Sweet Lord. It was a banjo. What's going on here? Kagome shuddered.

 

She gazed down the steps. They definitely wouldn't pass safety inspection. Rickety and worm eaten, the steps were a formidable foe indeed. And what could they lead to? This man … he talked to a cactus … that's not a good sign. Not a good sign at all.

 

“Well c'mon! You crazy kids and your fear of clearly dangerous staircases… Man-alive! Back in the day, we didn't even have staircases, just big ol'—“

 

Boom!

 

Some sort of explosion went off in the depths of the hill. A flaming ball of fire shot from the hill, singing Miroku's eyebrows as it went. Extinguishing a small ember resting on his clothes with his thumb, Miroku stared in shock at the pitiful remains of the staircase.

 

“Aw, phooey! Now we'll have to rappel down from the hole!” The man reached into his pants pulled out a long rope attached to a grappling hook.

 

“C'mon!” he said.

 

“I am not touching that rope.” said Inu-Yasha with such conviction that no one dared argue with him. Not that they wanted to. Pants-rope was really not their thing.

 

“Fire just shot out of there!” exclaimed Miroku, still dazed. “Fire!”

 

“I am not touching that rope!” Inu-Yasha again. He was preaching to the choir.

 

“Fire!” said Miroku.

 

“No pants-rope!”

 

“Shippo, my eyes!” yelled Kagome. The poor fox demon had realized that he could just make out the outline of a stool down that hole. As if the ball of fire wasn't enough. He had rushed to Kagome for protection. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he'd jumped onto her head.

 

Sango tried to pull him off while Miroku kept pointing to the hole in shock.

 

“Did you see that?” said he.

 

“I tell you, old man, I'm not touching that rope!”

 

“My eyes!”

 

“Calm down Shippo! It's okay!”

 

“C'mon!

 

Just as the chaos came to a head, the ground began to shake.

 

“Huh?” said Inu-Yasha.

 

“Bbbadd ssighn!” said a very jiggly Miroku.

 

Then the earth was rent in two and they all tumbled down into the darkness.