InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ The Stranger In My Heart ❯ The Stranger in My Heart ( Chapter 1 )

TITLE: The Stranger In My Heart
CHAPTER: oneshot
AUTHOR: Ankh Ascendant ( setosgirl0 / neferseti0 )
DATE: 9-3-09
FANDOM: Inuaysha
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Inuyasha, or make any money from it.
PAIRINGS: would-be Rin/Sesshou
TYPE: Angst
RATING: PG
WARNINGS: angst
OCs: none
BETA: none
WORDS: 1608
SUMMARY: Sesshoumaru has to answer the hardest question that's ever been put to him... “Will you take me as your wife now?” [Would-be Rin/Sesshou]
NOTES: This was written from a list of writing prompts here. The prompt for this one was supposed to be “I must not see her”, but I misremembered it as “I cannot see her”.

* * *

The Stranger In My Heart
I can no longer see Rin.

Even standing in the same clearing and looking at each other across mere feet of empty air, I cannot see her. I see a woman who has grown over the years. How many years? Fifteen? Twenty? It is the same to me.

But not to her. She is older now that I am, physically. As humans go, she is a beautiful woman, and tall for a female. Her hair is neat and falls softly over her shoulders, almost to her waist. She is wearing a dress I gave to her... I cannot remember how long ago. In it she looks very sophisticated, and she holds her head high, displaying her confidence and her strong will.

I do not see Rin. I only see this stranger who uses her name, who has been growing stranger with every year that passes.

Over the years I have tried to continue to see Rin. I have visited her in Inuyasha's village, if sporadically, only to find a different stranger there every time. She has learned the arts of the miko and the wife from her people and lost all of who she was, or who I saw in her. My Rin was always strong, and so is this one... My Rin was a friendly and open girl who was always happy and helpful. So is this one. But they are not the same.

I do not know why. How could she have changed so much in so short a time? Where is the happy, innocent little girl who would smile at an injured youkai so fearlessly?

That smile... She has changed and disappeared, but one thing has not changed. That smile hasn't changed at all.

She shows me that smile, as she does whenever she sees me. That smile is still bright and innocent. That smile is my Rin's.

“Will you take me as your wife now, Sesshoumaru-sama?” she asks.

This question has been hanging between us for years. It has never been asked before... she has been waiting for me. It seems she's gotten tired of waiting... I would she would have waited a while longer, even if she is no longer my Rin.

“No.”

I know it hurts her, but... she should not have asked. There are no words to couch a refusal in that would hurt her any less... and I am not responsible for her feelings. I won't be. Not this stranger. She asked a question and she gets an honest answer, as much consideration as I give anyone.

"Sesshoumaru-sama!" She is shocked, literally taken aback, drawing away a touch. She thinks she knows me, but she always expected I would say yes. Naïve.

I don't answer. I have nothing to qualify it with. It is only a 'no'. I see her expectation, that I will say 'not yet' or 'not until...' or 'because', but there are none of those to say.

“What... What do you mean, 'no'...?” I can see her dark eyes from this far away, searching me, reconciling me with her image of me.

“I mean I will not.”

“Sesshoumaru-sama, why?” She picks up her dress and runs toward me; I would that I could step away from her. But that would hurt her more, unnecessarily. “What do I have to do?”

“Nothing.”

“Sess...”

“Nothing,” I repeat simply, looking at her as she looks at me, trying to see who she once was. We both are trying to reconcile memory and truth, but the two are not the same and cannot coexist. The Rin of my memory is gone, lost inside this woman... “I will not have you as my wife.”

“What? Sesshoumaru...!” It's hard not to notice that she did away with the “-sama”. Very angry or tired of pretending? “You... you can't do this! We're supposed to be... I've turned down so many men for you! We're suppose to be together, you and me... I'm supposed to be with you, forever!”

And if I did as she wants and stayed with her, how long would we be that way, how long would “forever” last? Twenty-five years? Fifty if she is particularly hardy? I have had moods that lasted longer than that.

“No.”

“No?” Her voices rises in pain. I don't need that reminder... I am perfectly aware of what I'm doing to her. I am not ignorant of emotional pain... She doesn't deserve this. But neither do I deserve the pain I've been forced to endure for her. By her. She took my Rin...

“I can't,” I tell her simply again. She wants more explanation but I don't have it. I just can't.

“You 'can't'? You bastard...!” It's easy to catch her hand in the air before she can hit me, but she still tries, further shattering my image of her. My Rin would never strike out at anyone, nor be so close to tears of pain and anger. Could she even feel anger? “They're right about you, you're ice, a monster, you don't even care... I've given up so much for you...”

My Rin knew me better than that.

“Go back to your own kind.” I try to say it gently, but I only sound cold. I can't be gentle. It's hard enough to hold her hand still without hurting her, kind words are beyond me. “Take back one of the men you denied.”

“No one would want me! I'm too old! I spent my whole life waiting for you!”

“How old are you?”

Her breath hisses audibly in, and she jerks her head up to look at me, and her eyes have narrowed. For whatever reason I can see her already mentally pulling back at the question, further hurt, and this time I didn't mean to do it.

“Twenty-three,” she says quietly, and yanks her hand away. I let it go without a fight; her hysteria seems to be calming. I don't know why my question hurt her feelings. She's asked me the same. The answer was much different... I only know the centuries and the approximate number of and decades.

A breeze blows through the silence. I only watch her, knowing this is probably the last time I will be able to. I am still trying to figure out who she is and how she can be Rin. I don't see it...

I do not understand the love of humans, and I do not want to. They are transitory and constantly changing things, never the same twice, as impossible to hold onto as a handful of water. My father was either a fool or a better man than I – but he never had to see his human lover wither and change before his eyes, and suddenly find a stranger in her place in his life. The gods favor fools... Maybe he was just lucky, to die before he did.

I could not be so lucky.

“Sesshoumaru-sama...” Her hand gently takes hold of the chest of my kimono just above the top of my armor, and the fingers of the other touch my fur and run through it. That feels strange, but though I don't respond I don't deny her. I can't.

With my silence, she stays that way a moment more, with her eyes somewhere on the ground between us. I can't read her thoughts. I don't know her well enough to even guess.


When finally she gathers her courage, or her thoughts, or just her voice, she raises her head.

"Did you ever love me?" she asks quietly, looking up at me. Her eyes are large and dark but very wet with unshed tears, and are completely foreign to me. I have finally broken that innocent smile as I broke her heart.

But she will eventually find both her smile and heart again.

For now, it is partially because I am not a monster and I do care that I have to completely crush it. She cannot cling to what will never happen. She has to forget me.

And it is partially because I hate her for changing... I will not be responsible for her, for any part of her, any longer, will not be tied even by feelings to a stranger who kills my memories any longer...

"Not in the way you want me to."

A brief wince of pain causes her eyes to close, and she nods just a little. Her hands tighten, however, as though she doesn't mean to let me go. Then she shifts onto her toes and suddenly kisses me.

It is easy to feel her passion in her kiss, in the way she presses against my body; she either loves me or thinks she does. She wants me to know it. She's desperate. The way her hands cling and her body begs and she pleads for me to respond to her kiss... She's trying to capture me. She's trying to force me to give in and hold me prisoner with her need.

I step back, pulling from her grasp.

A choked noise comes from her throat and she turns away before I can catch more than a glimpse of her face. Then she is running away, stumbling through the trees, hands already pulling at the dress I gave her as though it burns her. I smell the salt of her tears lingering in the air.

And I turn my back, taking to the air and abandoning the forest and the village. I will not be back.

Maybe this pain will fade...


~end~

NOTES: I know that I'm shooting my review count in the foot with this, since a lot of the ones I usually get are “Can't wait for the next part!” ones, but I don't at this time see a second part or sequel, and especially not one where Sesshoumaru and Rin get together. I'm not rabidly anti-Sesshou/Rin, and think it may or may not have been the canon intent, but I don't really see it working... not with his personality, and not with his age and lifespan... I should really let this story stand on its own, but I want to add a word of explanation: the longer you live, the less you live in the moment, and the more of a grip nostalgia has on you; we see it even in our own lives. Like his irrational attachment to his father and the swords, he'd still be attached to the innocent little girl when she was grown up. I doubt any mortal/immortal (technically long-lived, I know) relationship could survive that.